My story

Background

*Please excuse lack of use of acronyms� not used to them and can�t find a document here to tell me what each one is.

I am 33yrs old, husband is 30yrs old, we have a 3 year old daughter. Married for 11 years, together for almost 15. Relationship was pretty amazing for first 4-5 years (including 1-2 years into marriage). Life stress, lack of meeting each others emotional needs made last 6-7 years unfufilling/lacking.

10 months ago (June 2011) I began an affair (physical and emotional) with a co worker. The affair last approximately 5-6 weeks until we were confronted by my husband (Mid August 2011). At that time I committed to ending the affair and initiated no contact with OM. We both committed to counselling and working on recovering. I made it to about week 7 with no contact with OM (although my husband did not believe this). Unfortunately I was still completely deceived (I think you call this �fog�) and thought I was in love with this person � something I am pretty embarrassed about now. So contact was re initiated by me in October 2011. Physical contact was reinitiated in November 2011 when my husband went away for a week. On November 30th, after rediscovering the affair, my husband confronted me and threw me out of the house.

The following day he relocated himself and our daughter (without my permission) to our hometown. In the following few days we communicated and agreed that a move for us all would be the next best step in terms of being in a city where we had family support. However he was also very clear that we were now separated.

I spent the next few weeks staying at friends and family and occansionally the OM�s house, in a state of shock, confusion and grief. I very stupidly continued my relationship with the OM, thinking that this was the best thing. I thought that my husband was better off without me and was deluded in thinking that I would be �settling down� with OM.

In early February I �saw the light�. Not entirely sure how this happened but I know it was partly because through some miracle I was drawing closer to God, praying, reading my bible and really seeking him. All of a sudden I knew that OM was not the person I should be with and the relationship was a very destructive one. I ended things with him and have blocked his email address from all of mine, and his phone number from my cell. This time I have made it very clear that I want nothing to do with him, and have taken every precaution possible to avoid any contact. I have some things that I�d left at his house which I was originally going to go with a friend to pick up, however the thought of having to see him makes me want to vomit so I�ve decided that my �things� are not important at all.

Where am I at now?

I�m still pressing into God and trying to hand everything over to him daily. In march I decided that my marriage/family were worth fighting for and I would do anything to save it. I made that clear to my husband. Unfortunately in the time I spent being deluded with this OM my husband let go of me and has grieved and made considerable gains in �moving on�. He has even told me he is looking forward to dating. The pain and grief I feel about this is the worst so far in my entire life (I spent 30mins literally screaming in the car on the drive home after he told me this). And ironically I feel more in love with him that I did the last 6-7 years. I realised that perhaps it wasn�t irony at work though. When this first happened last year I tried to turn to God, and my main prayer was that I would fall back in love with my husband. So perhaps He has answered my prayers in that regard.

What I need from you?

Please help me navigate my way through this mess. I�m desperate for reconciliation even though my husband has categorically told me to �move on� and he sees no hope for our future. I�m unwilling to give up fighting for this� I know that this may end in divorce, but I also know he cannot file for divorce for another 18 months, so until then, I will do everything possible.

Can you please provide any advice on how to �fight� for this. It�s all very good for me to say it, but what exactly do I do when my husband is so despondent and has hardened his heart to me. Any stories from other people in similar situations would be appreciated. Particularly those where the women was the �offender�. I�m feeling very alone right now and it�s very hard being the women who has hard the affair because all of the material in books and on the internet seems to be geared towards the man as the offender.

I have incredible support from my husbands parents (pastors of local church), who are praying for us and also believing for reconciliation. They have advised that I should keep working on healing myself � from the things that led me to having the affair and to just encourage small interactions with him, perhaps dinner as a family with our daughter.

However, with him dating being on the near horizon (he has already met a single mum who he has been spending time with), I am feelng very desperate.

Thoughts?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Here read this Acronyms and Abbreviations

Now I'll go back and read your story.

thanks for the link to acronyms BrainHurts

So you were here in Sept 2011. What have you implemented from MB?

Can you please ask the mods to merge your two threads?
What just compensation and EP's have you done?

Read this Recovery Guide for Wayward wives

There was no real compensation in the first instance because i was completely deluded. And now, as outlined above, we are seperated and he is unwilling to accept any compensation from me.

EP's? Can you explain? examples?

Listen to these radio clip of a WW who is a serial cheater.
Radio clip on WW serial cheater
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

What boundaries have you put in place?

Extraordinary Precautions by HerPapaBear

Things you will write down and promise to your BH what you will do to protect him from any future abuse to him by you.

Why should he give you another chance since you trampled his heart once and then did it again?

What's different about you now then before? You found MB back in September and you learned what?

Not words, but ACTIONS. There's a ton of experienced people that will sniff you out. If you try and fool them how do you expect your BH to believe you?

Have you drank anymore? That radio clip the WW also has a problem with alcohol and Dr. H told her to get to an all female AA group.

Please answer the questions if you truly want help.

What have you implemented from Sept when you found MB?

Did you take Melodylane's advice and read SAA?

I hope your silence means you're reading all the wonderful information on here?

BlackViolet,

When he left with your daughter, you didn't go to court to order her back to the marital home, you went and stayed with OM (!). You not only didn't fight for your husband, but you didn't fight for your young child, you chose your work boyfriend over your FAMILY. You have a giant hill to climb here.

You are in a rush now. Why? Ah, because he is on the verge of dating another woman (which I would 2x4 him for as well but he's not here). Your fantasy hasn't panned out and now you realize that you can't just waltz back in again.

At a bare minimum, you can prove your sincerity by quitting your job where this man works.

Are you here to reunite your family

I don't believe she took any advice from her 1st thread as it was written in September and she resumed the affair shortly after.

That's why I keep asking her.

Hmmm, another drive-by WS? If only THEY were on here as much as us BS's!

When was the last time you saw or spoke or emailed with the OM?

What happened in his marriage? Isn't he married?

Thanks to those who have replied. Brainhurts - the silence is because i am on the other side of the world and was asleep :-)

Ahhh another 'drive-by ws'?!?! Very welcoming :P But yes, i can see how some people would do this sort of thing. However, i don't plan to be one of those as I am committed to saving my marriage.

I will have to go back through the posts and answer the questions when I get to work but...

MelodyLane - Last time I spoke/emailed OM was approx 5 weeks ago. He wasn't married, his long term relationship split up over this.

He doesn't work at my work anymore, and had moved on just after the affair begun.

Thanks, will post again soon.

Yay, BlackViolet, glad to see you here again! Don't take it personally. I have seen quite a few WS come here, post a couple times and then they are gone LOL. And yes, I personally know one.
Welcome and congrats on wanting to commit.

Thanks Rocketqueen... appreciate your post.

Now to go back and reply to the previous posts...

Thanks I will listen to these tonight.

Boundries... as oulined above, blocking OM from emails/phone. Boundries for this occuring with another man? - No male friendships, No alcohol.