BV,

I would change all your emails so he can't get through. Blocking doesn't always work.

Here's some more help with the letter. Unfaithful lurker a gift

Goodness, how much do I LOVE this response!! And, HHH, I do see what you are saying. I simply took offense to having to need help writing an apology letter for something that ripped her husband's heart to shreds. That , IMO, should come from the heart and from the soul.

The way I look at things, that shouldn't need a whole lot of assistance.

That's all I meant

Thanks TigerWes :-)

Thanks BrainHurts,

I will look into changing my email addresses. I have been told that this will not be easy for my work one though, and virtually impossible to change my phone number! Stupid. Since I am desperately seeking another job hopefuly that issue will resolve itself soon.

Did you not see that I addressed this when I posted to you?



Blocking is a bare minimum. It isn't enough.

Oh gosh SusieQ!!! Apologies i've only just realised exactly what you meant!! OMGosh very true. Right, new emails/phone numbers will be initiated over the next few days.

I'm so exhausted today (walked into a clear glass door this morning) no wonder that went completely over my head!

Here's another excellent article from Dr. Harley.
Recovery After an Affair
I know you have a lot of homework from all of us.

Are you going to write Dr. Harley?

Thats ok, I'm very open and willing to do all the 'homework' that's been suggested :-)

Yes, I think I will. I'm not sure if he responds to people and what he could offer though? I'm certainly not in a financial position to pay for any counselling via phone or the internet options.

I'm currently paying to see a great female Christian counsellor who is very experienced with marriages etc. She has recently counselled a couple where the wife had the affair, and now their marriage is better than before the affair.

Email them at the radio show.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

And thanks, thats an excellent article, id read it before. Pity i didn't adhere strictly to it last year.

Which has put me in the unfortunate position of now not being able to give undivided attention, be honest etc.

Can you ask him out on dates? Take him lunch to his job? Take dinner to him and your DD?

Got to go catch a plane, will reply later tonight or tomorrow :-)

Hmpf. Certain aspects of a recovered marriage might be better yes, but I'll bet that if you asked the betrayed spouses in those recovered marriages if they prefer the adultery did not happen in the first place, the answer would be a resounding YES, each and every time.

Adultery is quite possibly the worst, worst, WORST possible abuse that one spouse can do to another in a committed relationship.

Recovered marriages (truly recovered) appear to me to be better than most marriages where an affair never took place.

I can count on one hand marriages which get it right first time without ever making the mistake. Actually, I can only think of my parents and the Harleys.

I dont know any other marriages which use 'trust but verify' POJA and RH and making time for dates as a matter of course.

However the gifts of a good recovery never take away the scar of infidelity, which is what i think you mean MiM.

Does your Christian counsellor use these MB concepts BV? What does she think of no opposite sex friendships, Just Compensation, RH, POJA and never fully trusting your spouse but applying 'trust but verify'?

This will help.
How To Find a Good Marriage Counselor

I asked him out to dinner several weeks ago and he declined :-(

We have shared dinners together at his parents house with the family, but not just the 3 of us yet.

I'm not sure if she's heard of Marriage builders but will ask when i see her next of the 11th. Arggh seems so blinkin far away!

I'm trying to understand a bit about your situation. You said your H moved back to your home town with your child...how far away is that? Do you have family you could live with there? What are you doing in order to provide for your daughter and have a relationship with her? Could you just leave your job, go back to the hometown, and with family help rebuild there? You have already sold your home, correct? It seems like staying where you are it is going to be very difficult to show your H you are repentant and (more important to me in some ways, at this point since you've doubly betrayed and he may not be interested), to have a strong, mature relationship with your daughter, even if she is not in your custody.

BV, getting back to the apology letter(s), may I make a few suggestions, as the recipient of several of the most effective notes of this type I've ever heard of? (I kept them, and have just re-read them.)

Firstly, do NOT make it one massive, all-encompassing tome of regret. In your first note, which will cover the biggest item, you can casually reference the fact that this is the initial one of many. The reason is based on concepts related to Stalin's cynical observation that "One death is a tragedy; one million deaths is mere statistics." Your BH's mind will not focus on ten, twenty, thirty regrets from you in a single note. And you WANT him to focus on what's in your heart, as relayed through what's on the paper. So write (send) a letter a day for weeks, if necessary. Into each one dissect and expostulate on ONE element of your sorrow.

And here's the real key focus to maintain: You're not going to be as effective apologizing just for your actions, but for the impact on HIM. As an example, in one of her notes, my bride apologized for leading me to believe, through her actions, that she, and our children, were not grateful for the things I had done to provide for them, for a quarter-century; that I would forever regret devoting the time and toil to making their life enjoyable. (As a beneficial by-product, this BH-orientation virtually precludes any "justification" slips.)

Think about these, okay?

Ask him again and again and do not make the gap grow to several weeks. Call him daily, ask about how he is doing, what's his day been like. Make your calls to him about him. You have every right to call him, ask him, etc, you are still his wife.

You said his parents are also hoping for your reconsiliation, right? First, apologise to them as well and ask for their help to arrange a dinner for your family only.



Try to move closer to your family, I do not understand this arrangement.

I would encourage you to think about the conditions that led you to this affair, EP's are also designed to eliminate the opportunity to have a secret second life.
If you had an affair at your work, consider seriously to change your work environment to all-female environment.

As for FB account - since you do not have a joint account with your H, one way to show him you are serious about your EP's is to delete your own account entirely and not to visit this wall at all. You can still send him an apology and written list of EP's, there are many things you can do from the distance to show him you are serious, like this FB thing.

What you can do along with the list of EPs is to actually give him an access to your accounts and to information that has been hidden from him - passwords to emails (work, private); access to your banking account; initiate a polygraph; etc. Read HerPapaBear's thread carefully and think it over. There are a LOT you can actually do.