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So other than Plan A, how in the world do I combat the affair in this situation? Hopefully counter filing the way I'm going to will have some effect but I don't know what else I can do to fight the affair.

And, how do I make myself sit back and "wait" while my wife carries on an affair basically right in front of my eyes until she gets over it? This is very tough for me.

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Would another call/letter/email to the OM do any good? How about if I ask my lawyers to send him something? I don't mean to sound desperate in regards to the affair but I don't know how much I can learn to deal with if she continues to have the affair/sleep with another man.

That may sound very immature but that bothers me tremendously.

She has probably told him that we are not working things out and he is believing her. Although from what he told me before, he doesn't want a relationship with her.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 05/03/12 06:54 AM.
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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I don't think she was expecting me to lawyer up and counter file. I feel like she expected me to roll over and accept her terms in the filing.

Here is what I think is happening, lf. Wayward wives envision a fantasy divorce where the husband steps aside and the OM replaces him with ease. By countersuing and going tough, you burst that bubble. That gives her second thoughts about pursuing her affair and causes conflict in the affair. Your wife is very focused on hiding her affair and that won't be an easy way to live.

That is the stick of Plan A.

While that is going on, you look for every opportunity to present yourself as an attractive place to land. I know that is hard with her living apart, but you can focus on being as attractive and upbeat as possible. Be sure and be pleasant and look and smell great when she sees you.

You are in competition with the OM and you have the competitive advantage by far. You just have to be patient and strategic.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would have the lawyer contact him and have him hauled into court to give testimony of his affair with your wife.

And the OM is a liar so his telling you he didn't want a relationship with her is not credible. Just ask yourself what kind of rat has an affair with a married woman?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You're definitely right that she's hiding something. She has changed some of her passwords and the biggest giveaway that she's hiding something is the fact that she talks to no one about what's going on with her...not even her sister whom she has always talked to about things. I have had a feeling that she's been hiding something all along, but have been trying to figure out how she would have time. I guess it's easy to find time when no one is there to watch you or question you.

Hopefully, when she gets the paperwork from my lawyers stating that she and the POSOM will be testifying under oath and that all relevant records will be subpoenaed it will scare her enough to realize that she can't hide it. I wish I could find out for sure and blast it open AGAIN!

The only way I know is to maybe hire a PI, but that costs money.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
The only way I know is to maybe hire a PI, but that costs money.

Any way you could swing paying for a PI to follow her for a couple of days? A PI can usually get the goods real fast, along with pictures, etc. Do you know where the OM lives?

Could you slip a GPS unit on her car?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I don't think I could pull the GPS off. She already knows I bought one to put on her truck before she traded it. I never got a chance to put it on the truck but she found the paperwork. She was very angry that I had bought one and STILL doesn't believe me when I tell her that it never got put on her truck.

I'll look into the PI and see how much they are. Now that I think about it, what will I do if I do find out they are still in contact?

I do know where he lives and works. Honestly, it would be VERY difficult for her to be meeting him somewhere...but I have been wrong before haven't I. She really doesn't have much "free time" in her schedule. Now as far as being in contact...plenty of time and opportunities. That's the part that will be hard to fight.

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As regards, and is support of, HTLD's post:

There comes a time during a massive natural (weather) event when electrical utilities go into "cut and clear" mode. In effect they acknowledge that there is zero chance of keeping/restoring electrical power to impacted areas, and swing into the action of capping damaged distribution lines to prevent injury to the population (shock, fire). They'll accept the immediate loss of their preferred stasis in the view of long-term viabilioty of their system.

You, my friend, are in exactly that situation now. Your marriage is dead. Concentrate on saving your rights/perquisites involving your children. If GPS'ing her vehicle helps you demonstrate her unfitness as a mother, proceed. If, however, it's likely to be used by the scumbag lawyer she eventually hires to illustrate your "obsession" with control, forgo it.

And YES, your WW can be having an affair with the idea of being "free". Ask Stretch123 how that can work. She might not have an active AP right now, but the easily entranced female brain can latch on to the "fantasy" of an AP-in-waiting, and do whatever is necessary to be available to him when he arrives. This includes shedding her now-inadequate husband.

Strap up and start to fight carefully, intelligently, and forcefully. Remember, the courts don't care about your situation, except in how to get it off their calendars.

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How did Stretch123 fight that? Did the MB way work?

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Yes, the allure of single life can be powerful. It drew my WXW away but I played a huge role in that by making it easy.

Don't make it easy. Fight for your rights. Make the cost of divorce very high.

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Y'all know how I have a bad habit of analyzing stuff so I have come up with another question. We know the MB program and plans work but why would a WS not get angry at the BS for snooping and exposing and manipulating and just curse the BS out then leave for good?

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Because the BS's demeanour in explaining why the exposure was performed is critical in enlightening the WS as to the seriousness with which the BS is addressing the issue.

"Dear, I will do anything to break up the illicit relationship you are engaged in, because recovering my marriage is THAT important to me. Besides which, if you are willing to engage in adulterous affairs with POSOM, why would you not want the world to share in the joy you've discovered? Now, can I make you some chamomile tea?"

Additionally, the exposure closes off any opportunity for WW to pre-empt the imminent uncovering of her actions by telling whoever will listen that her BH is an overly jealous kook who foolishly thinks she's cheating on him. Remember, the modern public being incredibly uncritical, the first story they hear is the one that sticks. Works in affair-fighting the same way it does in politics.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Y'all know how I have a bad habit of analyzing stuff so I have come up with another question. We know the MB program and plans work but why would a WS not get angry at the BS for snooping and exposing and manipulating and just curse the BS out then leave for good?

Because typically the exposure kills the affair which removes the reason for being angry about the exposure. Anger over exposure is due to the fog; the fog is caused by the affair. Kill the affair to save your marriage. Your marriage can recover from her anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know your plate is full and someone probably has already given you this advice(if they have I apologize in advance) please read and heed this.

DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT!


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have come upon 2 interesting observations this evening that I would like to share.

1. She filed for divorce but she has made no efforts to take much of her stuff from the house since she first left. I think that's interesting but don't know if it's significant.

2. This one is a bit more "philisophical" I guess. I started thinking about how WW is acting right now and it made me think of those stories that you hear about soul mates that love each other so much but one of them finds out that they are terminally ill. They don't want to tell their soul mate husband/wife that they are terminal and are dying because they don't want to hurt him/her. So they distance themselves from their soul mate and lie to them about why they're leaving. They do this to keep from subjecting the other to all the pain they will feel watching them slowly die from their terminal illness. They justify their leaving by "saving" the other person from enduring that.

Well, lately I have wondered if something crazy like that could be a possibility because my WW is acting so distant/secretive/elusive/etc and continues to send mixed signal that make me believe that she still loves me but has something terrible that she doesn't want to admit or tell me. It almost makes me feel sorry for her.

Now I know everyone is thinking "my lord, he has went off the deep end". I haven't. I just know that there must some kind of powerful force that is causing her to be like this. There is no way that a person can "lose" all the love for the person they chose to spend the rest of their life with that easily. There is also no way that my WW is going to make me believe that this is the person she has always been but had "lost" during our marriage.

If we never have the chance to repair our marriage, I hope that one day I can get her to tell me the whole God's honest truth about what's going on with her and/or in her head. If it is still the affair that caused and is continuing to cause this, I have to say that an affair is more addictive and life-destroying than ANY kind of substance that has ever touched this earth.

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Oh good grief. faint


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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We all KNOW why your wife is acting like this, you silly man!!! The "powerful force" is an AFFAIR!

She is ADDICTED to the OM. Addicted. Let that soak in for a minute.

She is acting the SAME WAY every WW acts!




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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LOL! Now Mel. I didnt say that's what I believed. I was just making an analogy to the way my WW was acting. It's just so unbelieveable that she honestly believes she has completely lost all love for me and that I am the worst thing that has happened to her (by the way she acts anyway).

So dont think I have lost sight of the plan or goal. I'm still with you.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
It's just so unbelieveable that she honestly believes she has completely lost all love for me and that I am the worst thing that has happened to her (by the way she acts anyway).

Yes, they ALL believe that. Go read the other husband's threads, their wives said the same things!

The reason is because her new point of comparison is a FANTASY ADDICTION. Let's say you get addicted to heroin. You love the high and become addicted. You have a new point of comparison and judge your past as bland, boring, a dead life. BUT....eventually the drug addiction turns UGLY on you and reality intrudes. You get busted for having drugs and are forced to sober up. When you sober up, you realize how crazy and irrational you have been! Your addiction looks very different with a SOBER EYE.

Do not worry for one second that she says she doesn't love you anymore. She can love you again once the affair is killed. We have so many recovered marriages here that were actually worse off than yours.

Just stick with us and don't take her words any more seriously than a falling down drunk. Does a falling down drunk know how they feel while they are drunk? No, they don't!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
LOL! Now Mel. I didnt say that's what I believed. I was just making an analogy to the way my WW was acting.



That is not your wife. That is an ALIEN. And the odds are in your favor that she will wake up and come back to the marriage. No guarantees, but there is hope! There is more hope for your marriage than there is the affair.

So, hang in there, my friend! This is far from over.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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