Update 12 hours after exposure:

*Out of the 600 messages I sent, I have already received two supportive reply messages.
*I have also received 10+ phone calls from an "unknown phone number" (not displayed), and so I have not picked up. Because this person does not leave a message or display their number, I assume that it is the OM.
*After the exposure, I was a little restless and unable to sleep (as you can imagine since it took me so long to build up the nerve). I tried to avoid the topic, but my WW pursued it, and I finally told her the truth about the exposure, but I explained that it was necessary, and that the OM had probably never ever dealt with the consequences of his actions ... until now. She was upset, called me "cold and calculating" and "vengeful". I justified it, but I also told her that I would not do it again.

She is afraid that he will try something vengeful in response. We'll see.....

Well I'd say exposure was a bullseye so far. The angrier the WS becomes the better the exposure.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?"
And I will do whatever it takes to protect my M.

Don't make promises like this because it can erode some of the trust and honesty you need to build on, going forward. You don't have to promise you'll never do it again - just promise her that you will ALWAYS do whatever it takes to protect your marriage. She needs to understand that she's good to go as long as she is a faithful wife. She also needs to know that you will not stand by idly if she chooses to be unfaithful; that there will be consequences and repercussions for her adultery.

Cold and calculating? A wayward would call it that. When she comes out of her fog she'll understand that you are a warrior for your marriage! What wife wouldn't want that in her husband??

Good job, JD.

ANSWER THIS CALL. It might be the OMW!!!


That is a very bad message to give to a wayward. By telling her you think you did something wrong, you have handed her a bullet with which to shoot you with! Don't tell her you regret doing it! OWN your actions.

Exposing an affair is not "cold and calculating." Having an affair with a man's wife is cruel, cold and calculating.

She is afraid that he will try something vengeful in response. We'll see..... [/quote]

JapanDude are you going to take control over what goes on in your own home or what? Why are you afraid to answer the phone?

She was upset, called me "cold and calculating" and "vengeful".

Did you ask her why she cares more for POSOM's sensitivities than yours? She's almost gone, J-Dude. You'd better step up your Plan A actions.

Update (5/3/2012)

OVERALL
I think that we have finally turned the corner. The exposure on April 29 lit a fire and caused quite a bit of tension, but things have quieted down, and we are now moving forward. She has started accepting the responsibility for her actions, and we are both trying to meet each other's emotional needs better. This has made Plan A a lot easier. I don't know how long I could have done Plan A without a least some positive results from her.

SURVEILLANCE
I am still doing surveillance, but my WW suspects this and has avoided computer use, she said. The only other ways of contact are using her cellphone (I have already registered for a detailed call log) and her iPod (Internet enabled).

CONTACT WITH OW'S WIFE
Because of the big splash that my FB exposure made, two days ago, the OW contacted me. Word of the affair DID get to her because of my actions, but she wanted to keep it quiet. I explained that I needed to do this to ensure that her husband would observe the "NO CONTACT", which brings me to....

WHY EXPOSURE WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO
OK, everyone here was right about the FB exposure. It was 100% the right thing to do. Still, it DID create tension between me and my WW. Also, like everyone here said, timing is important. The exposure can also be construed as "revenge" if it is not done close to the discovery date.
It was right for my case because the OM thinks that he can fly into town and hook up with former girlfriends. He weasels his way into this by saying that he "just wants to keep in touch", is "just friends", and "just wants to see you" -- my WW fell into this trap. Even if my WW promises no contact, I have NO guarantee that he would. THAT IS WHY EXPOSURE WAS NECESSARY for me. It enables me to ensure that he knows that there are consequences to his actions. I messaged about 600 of his 911 FB friends (particularly targeting his family, women, people with family, and his work contacts -- he did this while on a 3-month work stint).
He knows that I am watching my WW's computer. He knows if he contacts her by FB, I can view his friends. He knows if he e-mails her, I will expose to his family and friends.

As I explained to my WW, if I did not expose, who would stop him? His friends? His mother? His wife? NO ONE!!
That's why exposure was necessary. And if it affects his work and family -- so much the better. Actions have consequences!

Thanks again to everyone. Although I cannot speak for everyone's case, exposure was 110% the right thing for me!
Also, instead of sending the 600 FB messages at 1 minute intervals (=15+ hours), I sent bunches of 4 to 5 messages at once, waited 1 to 2 minutes, and then sent another bunch of 4 to 5 messages. (This took about 6 hours with breaks.) No problems!

Thank you everyone, and wish us luck!

Thanks for that update. She may have bought a phone solely to conduct damage control/continue her affair, so be on the lookout for that sort of thing.

And it's good to know about FB! That can really help when we tell other people to expose via FB.

JD you're a MB warrior.

Too bad for OM's BW being in denial, but glad you got the message to her.

Wow 600!!! I think that may be a MB record!! Woo Hoo! Anyone??

I hope other BS read your thread and see the importance of Dr. Harley's plan and exposure.

Hats off to you.

WOW 600 I take my hat off to you. I'm glad you listened to the advice given here. The vets and those with more experience than us newbies know MB principles and their intentions are to help save our marriages and help us recover personally.... they've walked in our shoes they know what we feel and understand the rollercoaster.

Exposure is never done for 'revenge'. Exposure is done to enable you to recover your marriage. Don't confuse the two.

The critical question is "what is your WW doing to recover this marriage?"

Well, although I contacted 600 of the 911 FB friends on the OM's personal FB page, he also has a work-related Photography FB page with 750 friends. Assuming that about half of them are already the same as his personal page or unavailable for messaging, should I go for the 1000 mark? (600 + 375)

Personally, I think that I am ready to move to the next step (Plan A at full power), but I have been pleasantly surprised at the positive effects of this exposure. This morning, my WW said that my exposure will probably keep him from contacting her again and grudgingly admitted that it was probably a good thing.

Good job at affair killing!! The next step is not Plan A, but Recovery. The end of the affair should be demonstrated by a no contact letter to scumboy that is written by her, approved by you and sent together.

The next steps for recovery are here: Requirements for Recovery

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

JapanDude. Great update.

How exactly is WW starting to accept responsibility?

Has she committed to NC for LIFE and handwritten a no contact letter to OM which she gives to you to approve and send? Here are some examples:NC Letters Make sure she does not have any foggy closure type wording. Sticking to the template is best.


Has WW agreed to EP's to affair proof your marriage?

1. no opposite sex friendships
2. complete transparency of her life including phones, computers, passwords, etc ( don't let on about your secret snooping methods) But she needs to agree to 100% transparency.
3. no more social networks unless it is a joint account.
4. no overnights apart
5. Policy of joint agreement
6. commitment to a MB recovery program
7. NC for LIFE with OM and she will inform you if he tries to make contact.
8. whatever else your situation may need to protect your marriage

Are you getting 20 hrs per week of UA time to rebuild the romantic love in your marriage?

Dang. ML beats me every time.

I need to learn to type with more than one finger.

We hafta watch that rascal, Brainhurts........She beats me all the time!

Haha. I learned from the best.