ok, I printed off the policy of undivided attention so we can read through it together. We have read others from DrH's concepts list, but we never really had a problem with this one until recently. Mostly bc of the kids. He sometimes feels that he needs to put his daughters needs first and mine after that. It is bc he feels guilty about their mom not being a part of their life anymore and now that he has custody he feels he needs to be there for them. I understand that completely, but he just doesn't seem to get when I say that they don't always need to be around us. I have family who will babysit, I am very lucky. He has family as well who would stay with the girls or take them for a night. It is just a matter of him making this happen. He feels like he is choosing me over them and that they will get upset if we don't include them. He is willing to listen to me, and we are going to discuss it tonight. I think once we read the policy of UA and re-read the POJA, that he will see it differently. I know he feels bad about his girls, they have been through a lot, but even the oldest girl who is 13 has said that she thinks her dad and I need more alone time together. So she wants to help make it happen as well. I know this is vital for our love for eachother to last and to grow.

What about parallel parenting?
Parallel Parenting while in Plan B

Also some fantastic articles by Dr. H.
Blended Families #1
Blended Families #2


Some excellent radio clips.
Blended Families
Blended Families #2

BH, thanks for the links! I hadn't read parallel parenting while in plan B, but I have read the blended families articles. Thanks!

You're welcome.

Did you listen to the radio clips also?

I haven't gotten a chance to listen to the radio clips yet, I plan on doing that tomorrow when the kiddos are taking a nap.

Some more fantastic radio clips on blended families.

Blended Families #1
Blended Families #2
Blended Families #3
Blended Families #4

THank you! I have been working a lot this past week and I finally have some downtime So I am listening to the clips now!

So what did you think?

I tried to get it to play and it wouldn't, it wouldn't even buffer or anything. Idk what happened.....

Can you go to the archives and try? It's the 4-12-12 show all 4.

I disagree with some of the above posters. It doesn't sound to me like your WXH brings anything positive to the lives of your children. Why does he need to see them at all? They'd be better off without him, and so would you. Maybe you have a legal agreement that requires otherwise, and I guess you have to work around it if you do. I wouldn't even listen to the send the kids to CA thing - no address? And bimbos spending the night? No way. It is ridiculous that he pays no child support, and maybe you can go after him on that. Personally, I think I would cut the SOB a deal - keep your hundred bucks and leave me and the kids alone. Have a nice life.

I found that my kids were only pawns to their father - he doesn't really want to see them or take any responsibility, just prove that he can hold that over my head. When I stood up to him and told him I wouldn't force them to go with him, he didn't bother to put forth the effort to make them. They are older so it's a little easier because they can stand up and say they don't want to see him. But in some ways I wish this had happened when they were little. If he had disappeared entirely then, they might not be so scarred.

I love the sheriff meeting him on the doorstep. There goes the room and board and transportation problems all at once:)

Hi RS, thanks for the response. I was thinking some of the exact same things you posted. I really do not think that he needs to see the kids at all after being gone for over 2 years and not doing anything to stay in contact with them or support them. I am getting to the point of telling him what you said, keep your money and leave us alone. I told him that once before and he said that he would never give up his kids. ha. whatever that means. he already did and he did it the second he allowed himself to begin an A. He just texted me the other day and was talking about taking the boys for the month of july. I told him I don't think so bc of all that he did and is still doing. He responded by saying that he will stick by every decision he has made the past two years and that he is just fine with everything he has done. WTH? I just can't get over the wayward mind. He really is OK with having an A and emotionally abusing me, neglecting me and the kids, refusing to put our family back together and getting mad at me for finding happiness and a new life. He is so sick in the head. It just makes me want to hurl.

Why are you still communicating directly with him? (the text to you)

You don't need to respond to his notions....have your lawyer handle any visitation issues that come up.

Any time you communicate with him it is a broken record of old back and forth.

Not positive or educational at all.

Hi reading. I don't know why I keep allowing myself to respond to him. I hate changing my number and part of me wants to respond bc of the ridiculous things he says to me, he pushes my buttons and I just wanna rip him a new one. I know it isn't the right way to handle this, and it isn't healthy at all. I have not communicated with him since that last response, a few days ago. I need to just change my number, but I know once I do all hell will break loose when he tries to contact me. Then he will tell everyone that I am not allowing him to communicate with the kids and that I am "controlling".

My family would possibly mediate for me, to discuss visitations. I do not have enough $ to pay a lawyer to communicate with him.

Does anyone know what men like my WXH end up doing as the kids get older and are finally grown? I want to protect my kids and bc of the fact that he does have visitation rights, I know that he can see the boys whenever he wants to, as long as he is in the state of Iowa. I am concerned about the future, when the boys are preteens or teenagers and wanting to see their dad. You see, if I could have it my way I just want the child support bc of all the financial difficulty he has caused, and for him to stay the h*ll out of our lives. I know that doesn't sound fair, but after all he has done and is still doing, I don't think he deserves them and he definitely needs to be paying child support. Regardless if he sees them or not.

How old are your kids? Can't he talk to them directlly? Why won't you let him talk to him?

I know he was a bad H. Is he a bad dad? Is he abusive to them?

If you had an IM you wouldn't have to deal with his drama.

I think if I were you, I would have an intermediary communicate with him.
I'd set up one who would use email to communicate with him in order to keep a record of his communication and it would show that you were willing to let him see them in the state you are in. It would document that you have not alienated the relationship.
Make sure emails are kept.

Perhaps you could send a certified letter to him saying that he may communicate via IM (whoever you pick) and then you could change your cell number. In the letter, let him know that you will not be available by cell phone but he can call or email IM for communication. That should suffice. Double check with an attorney on that.

Then, make sure any IM keeps emails in a folder for future reference.

I suspect that a teeny bit of you still loves the father of your children, though he has disappointed you majorly and you are remarried. That is okay. Just focus on your new H now. Know that ExWH was someone you had your kids with and it sucks he blew it into smithereens.

Of course, you can choose to communicate with him but it will be upsetting. He will probably disapoint you galore.

I DO let him talk to them. I have told him to call them any time. I have always let him talk to them! The kids are 6,5, and 2. D-day was over 2 years ago. March of 2010. He has called them I will say about 10 times (very well could be less) in 2 and a half years and has visited them 3 times, only for 3 or 4 days each visit. I say he is a bad father now bc he rarely calls them and rarely visits. He refuses to pay cs. Is that a good dad? He was never abusive, although I believe that his overall attitude about life will greatly affect the boys. He is a wayward and is one of the most arrogant and egotistical people in this world, and I am not saying that just bc he cheated on me. Many people in my family and who used to work with him have said the same thing. They think he is very arrogant and always has been. I do not want him teaching my kids that they can leave a woman for someone else and abandon the kids bc they want to continue their affair. Also, he has a live in gf now, or rather....he lives with her and mooches off of her. I do not want my kids staying with him and having her playing mommy to my boys.

R- Thank you, that sounds like a possible plan for me. I just need to find someone willing to be the IM. Most people in my family despise my exWH and they want nothing to do with him. I will have to think about this and come to a decision bc the communication we have now is either non existent or him being a big jerk bc he isn't getting his way.

About the still loving him a little bit, no...I don't think I do. I get enraged with him bc he would text me stuff from the past and give me the big list of how I destroyed the M and that I did it alone, that he was a "great" H and did everything he could to save it. Then in the end he had to leave bc I hadn't "changed" and that the OW had nothing to do with the ultimate downfall of our M. He pisses me off when he still says that stuff to me bc I know it is a bunch of lies! And if you could see the stuff he texted and what he would say to me you would wonder if he was on drugs! He refuses to give an address of where he lives and says he will not pay cs bc he doesn't get to see his kids everyday, and that I deserve whatever hardships come my way. When I would respond to him he would try to psychoanalyze me and say that I am legally nuts and that I hear evil voices in my head telling me lies about him. (meaning his A and abandoning his kids financially and emotionally and physcially) I did respond to this [censored] he said to me bc it pissed me off so much. I hate pride, it is a disgusting trait and he has so much of it. He did it to me throughout our M, made me feel crazy and always demeaned me and made me lesser than him. Then he would call me satan woman and say I was nuts if I got upset about how he treated me. He continually used the Bible as a way to make me "submit" to him and to allow him to text and email as many of his female clients that he wanted to, even if it wasn't about work. He continually emotionally abused me and even hit me a couple times. He is a disgrace and I am so livid bc he is getting away with everything. And he sits on his high horse, on a throne of self righteousness all the while not caring for his own children. I don't care if he hates me or doesn't care about me, but he proves he doesn't care about the kids bc he doesn't call or send $.

And life with my new H is really good, we have our stress from all the kids and work, but the way we handle things are so opposite from how my exWH and I would handle situations.

My new H is not perfect of course, but he is not at all like the man I used to be married to. I have learned so much from my previous M and from people here on MB that I know now not to break out with LB's any time I feel my H is not meeting a need that I have. I just simply talk to him and we hash it out. We are doing well, only major drama we have comes from my exWH and his exWW.

If you Plan B both your ex's and have an IM for both and Parallel parent you won't have the drama. This I know. Especially with your ex out of state.