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This is why Plan B is so important for you. See what it does to you just seeing his call? You will need to change your number and emails and all contact information.
You have all the links I posted to you, correct?
You need to set a Plan B launch date.
Get an IM.
Work on that Plan B letter. We can help you with it, just post it here.
I cant express the urgency enough for you. You will begin to truly heal from his abuse.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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One thing - the IM is a concern. He's made things so ugly that friends are pretty divided. His friends who do not know me well (mostly work friends - he doesn't have a lot of real close friends) have all apparently been swayed that I'm a monster and the poor man had no choice but to run away from me into the rescuing arms of his soulmate. No help there, obviously.
I really try not to talk about him much with my friends, but they know what's going on, as do our mutual friends. Friends who are close enough that I could ask them to be IMs are upset enough or baffled enough by his behavior that I don't know that any of them could do it and be non-partisan.
I mentioned in here earlier my husband's brother and his wife - they seem the logical choice to me. But everyone says no family. I can see why that recommendation, but I don't feel like I have a lot of options. He has made this a very emotionally charged thing, and virtually forced people to "choose sides," something I tried very hard to avoid doing to anyone.
I have always been very close to my sister-in-law (his brother's wife) and their family. I really feel like they are mature and emotionally stable people who could work as a united front to keep things neutral and screen and relay pertinent information between us in a non-emotional way. They love me and the kids, and are supportive of us. They both think what my husband is doing is wrong, and have actually cut off a lot of contact with the rest of the family in support of us (NOT at my request, just to clarify, but simply because they disagree so strongly with my husband's own divorced parents, and partly his sisters too, accepting or even condoning this affair), but they have also tried to maintain a relationship with my husband and offer him love and personal support, though not support in what he is doing.
Maybe it's not fair to them, or not a good idea to ask them. They could possibly tell me they feel too uncomfortable to do it. I could see my husband being furious that I put a member of his family in the middle of it, and that causing more problems for everyone.
My only other option is to maybe reduce communication to 1 form - tell him to please only send a simple text or email (I would choose one and block him from the other) with regard to any pertinent financial info (I don't think I'm even going to say kid info at this point - they don't want to see him and I see no need to invite it unless he pushes it legally), and to avoid contacting me at all unless absolutely necessary.
One other thought is that while he was with OW this weekend, he did send me a text saying that he would write up a divorce offer giving me more CS if I would go sign it - he would have it to my lawyer by today, he just wants out. I'm sure the text was at her insistence (although bizarre she would agree to give up more of his money - either her need to control is greater than her thirst for cash, or she has a solid plan to milk her husband dry), no idea if he will follow through. My lawyer hasn't seen anything. Could have been blowing smoke, just pacifying her and not intending to do it, or maybe that's what he called about tonight. But I could wait a few days while I get everything else ready for Plan B and see if he actually produces said agreement. If he does, and I sign it, that should cement financial matters so that I can ask him not to contact me at all.
Just to avoid confusion - we do have a legal separation agreement, and he does pay me child support. But most of it goes away in 2 years with our current agreement, leaving me with virtually no support for our youngest child, who will still have 4 years left at home at that point. This child has Asperger's and some additional needs - somewhat minor, but above the needs of the average kid. I can't work 2 jobs and just leave him on his own, even in high school. It would relieve a great deal of my anxiety if I knew I would have enough money to keep him in his house until he graduates from high school. I have told WH many times that his youngest son is also his son, and that he deserves to have a house before the OW gets to lie by the pool for the rest of her life. He knows if she has to get off her tush and get a job it's all over. (Seriously, how can this thing not blow up once I'm out of the picture and she has him all to herself? When they can quit focusing on making me into a monster they're going to have to see some reality of what they each got themselves into, and that's got to be a rude awakening).
Any thoughts on all this?
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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Yes, BH, I have all the links and have read them all. I will refer to them again as needed in the coming days. Thank you.
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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My thoughts.....
having an IM is crucial. Texting and emails, even few and far between are too painful for you.
If you can not think of any one else in the next few days, using your BIL/SIL might work. It might work if you let them know that you are suffering from any direct contact with WH and need to protect your health by having a third party communicate factual financial/child issues for you. Ideally, you can find another IM.
Make sure you have finances squirreled away in case you need to use them and for a security zone so you don't panic and break plan B to talk about dire straits with WH.
Also.....do not discuss divorce directly with WH. Any time he tries to discuss it, tell him your lawyer is the correct venue for discussions about it. You do have a lawyer of you own? If not, get one. He/She will be your representative in legal matters with your WH.
Once you are in Plan B, your WH can enjoy his freedom and keep the D going.
You can heal and do not need to make any decisions about anything until you choose to. Your lawyer can tell you when things need to be signed for legal reasons and you can ruminate what conditions you need to have noted in settlements. You can do what is best for you and the children and WH will need to fend for himself.
Hopefully, you will feel better and WH will leave you alone to recover.
And, you never know what the future will bring.
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One other thought is that while he was with OW this weekend, he did send me a text saying that he would write up a divorce offer giving me more CS if I would go sign it - he would have it to my lawyer by today, he just wants out. I'm sure the text was at her insistence (although bizarre she would agree to give up more of his money - either her need to control is greater than her thirst for cash, or she has a solid plan to milk her husband dry), no idea if he will follow through. My lawyer hasn't seen anything. Could have been blowing smoke, just pacifying her and not intending to do it, or maybe that's what he called about tonight. But I could wait a few days while I get everything else ready for Plan B and see if he actually produces said agreement. If he does, and I sign it, that should cement financial matters so that I can ask him not to contact me at all. It is typical for a WS to say he wants the D ASAP and then nada. Or when he gets an agreement/decree from your attorney...he is now suddenly in not such a hurry, confused, is re-thinking what he said he would agree to, etc. A divorce will not happen overnight or in a few days so don't let WH pressure you to sign anything. Legal agreements are binding and should be review carefully to make sure you did not overlook something that can come back to bite you. In two years, you should either be divorced, in the process, or in recovery so I would not worry about the current separation agreement. Your WH will be ordered to support a minor child...period. Stay focused on what needs to happen today!
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Sounds good. Thanks. This is a first draft of my Plan B letter, if any of you knowledgeable people have time to take a look and offer advice. I want to come from a place of strength, but I also want to come from a place of love in this last communication. Despite all the garbage, there is light in his soul, somewhere. If I didn't believe that, I would have been gone long ago. I mean what I am saying, but I want to convey love to him, no matter what the future holds. If this is the last communication I ever have with him, I want him to know that I ended it with love. If nothing else, it is more likely to inspire future peace than something more harsh would be:
May 8, 2012
My Dear Husband,
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write, something I have mentally worked on for months and hoped I would not have to do it. Perhaps I should have done it sooner, when your heart was still full of love for me and for our children. I couldn�t bring myself to. But it has finally come to the point where I have to do it, for my own sanity and emotional health. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, and know that it is from the heart.
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I am deeply sorry for this. I know I helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.
I have said this before and I want to say it again: I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I have learned a great deal through all of this. I feel that I am learning a lot about how to be the type of woman that I hope you would feel proud to call your wife. I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.
The past 3� years, and especially the 1� years since you left our home, have been a very difficult passage of time for me, by far the most emotionally traumatic of my life. I remember the pure love, hope, and happiness I felt when, after nearly a year of doing everything I could to just love you after I first discovered this affair, I watched your mind, heart, and soul change and turn to me and our family. You were the most amazing husband and father. I felt so deeply connected to you, so full of love for you, so happy with our marriage and family. I began to feel a deep connection to you again in November and December. I remember long talks, dinners, discussing our lives and our children, touching on the mistakes we had made, expressing love and caring for each other, and bits of hope for our future.
The past 4 months have been the worst of my life. I have felt so much hurt and pain, disbelief, and despair. I let myself slip into a very dark place, and I�m ashamed of much of my own behavior during this time. I have to pull out of this.
I never thought I could survive something like this. I have found strength inside me that I never knew I possessed. I have made many mistakes during this trying time, but I have tried to do what I thought was right and what I felt like God wanted me to do. I have never wanted a divorce, I have believed in you, in our marriage and our family, and in the importance of keeping it together. I have told you many times that I have been amazed at times at the depth of love I have felt for you, even in all of this, that I know God has blessed me to see you the way that He does, as a person of infinite worth. I am sorry for the times in our marriage, both in the past and recently, that I have done things to make you feel anything less than that.
It has been heartbreaking for me to see the damage to each of us as individuals, and to our relationship in all of this, especially during the last 4 months. It is to the point where I even feel very afraid of you, something I do not want to feel. I want to hold onto the love that I still have for you. I also need to hold onto myself. Too much of my focus has been on you. I need to focus on me - my own personal growth, health, and well-being. I also need to focus on my children, helping to rebuild their lives, and love and support and strengthen them.
In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you. This is not in any way meant to punish you. This is about me, what I need to do for myself, in order to move forward in my own life and recover my strength. I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it through ( ).
I want us to work together to restore our marriage and family. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.
I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years. I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart. You know what I am willing to do. You saw it. You saw what our marriage could be, what we could do together. You saw all my efforts, even in the midst of the worst pain possible. You know that I love you, and that I have done everything I can to show you.
I think the mistake we made the first time you chose our marriage was that we didn�t have a plan. If we�d had a plan then, I think we could have avoided the pain of the past year and a half. When you find yourself ready to end this affair completely, once and for all; willing to work out a plan for recovery; and willing to commit to our family, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. I know you do not want to feel controlled or dictated to, and it is not my desire to do either. I want us to work together on this. I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married. I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.
I know things are no longer in my hands. You remember everything I do, you know how I feel, you know what�s in my heart. I have done everything that I can do.
I am leaving you in God�s hands, my sweet _____________.
All my love,
Your wife
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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It's not plagiarizing to steal large chunks from the sample letters, right? That's what they're for? Just making sure:)
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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It's not plagiarizing to steal large chunks from the sample letters, right? That's what they're for? Just making sure:) That's what they're there for. For you to use. I don't think anyone has put a patent on them, yet. 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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And yes, I have a lawyer - my lawyer. He drafted the separation agreement. Thanks for the advice on how to handle all that. You're right, the present agreement takes care of me and the kids for now. I can relax and let him do his crazy circus act all on his own. I have time, and maybe even approaching sanity, on my side:)
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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Thank you for sharing that email from your sweet husband. I wonder if he copied and pasted it from my WH, or the other way around?  So made me laugh, and made me feel better that they all say these horrible things, and that you can let it roll off you, recognize it for what it is. Also read this and you will see that all waywards speak from the same crazy script. Craziest things to come out of a Wayward's Piehole
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Funny:) Too bad we can't make all the WS read all this. They all say the same things over and over, and they all think they're so special and unique. Might be kinda funny to see a hundred other people saying the same thing you said today and thought you were a genius for coming up with it.
My favorite was when after a THREE YEAR affair, so much damage to my children that I won't begin, I finally sent a letter to OW - not even a nasty letter like she deserved, but actually a copy of a letter I wrote to my WH, going over some of our recent shared experiences, sweet things, with a note telling her I was not giving up on my marriage or going anywhere. When he freaked out about it he said, "How could you do this to me? What kind of person writes a letter like that? What gives you the right to mess with my life? I have NEVER done anything to "eff" with your life like that!" Hmmm . . .
Married: 22 years Me: BW 41 Him: WH 43 Sons: 19, 17, 12 Daughter: 16 DD 8/09 EA started 8/08 PA started 7/09 Brief recovery of a few months in there. Separated 10/10 Legal Separation 8/11 Plan B 5/17/12 Plan D 5/31/12 My Story
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RS, I'm a little concerned about using his brother to intermediary.
Have you read the intermediary training thread?
The intermediary has to be q short and succint to the WS. I IM for a few people and I doubt I could handle the wayward as well if they were a sibling. Few of us are nuetral and entirely businesslike to our siblings
If this couple support you and see you as the best thing for their relative (blood is usually thicker than water) then they won't be neutral with WH.
They will get too bogged down in discussions with him. Remember waywards are master manipulators of anybody who cares for them.
All you need is a friend who is willing to be a 'spam filter'
She doesn't get involved or respond to his comments, she merely says 'I will let her know about x bill and y childcare arrangement' while she ignores anything else he says re fog/love/hate.
She doesn't have to FEEL neutral about him or be able to talk to him (its best she doesn't)
She merely has to be level headed enough to treat him neutrally and not get sucked in. To only give the standard responses.
Have you read the intermediary training school thread?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Unfortunately as much as we would like to educate or shake them, we can't. Regardless of any good intentions they view it as we think we are superior and it becomes a LB.
If you haven't already read the link BrainHurts posted about babble from waywards mouth. It is good for a laugh and confirms how irrational and wayward their behaviour really is.
Hang in there, try to stay strong, you can do this and you have an amazing wealth of experience and support here on MB. It really does make a difference.
Look after yourself and the children. Maybe focus on doing 1 thing for yourself each day. That might be sitting with a cup of tea/coffee, reading a book, listening to music, watching a movie ... comedy is always good, having a bubble bath, painting your nails. Just do soemthing for yourself where you can take time out recharge and start to feel good again.
Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14
"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
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Sounds good. Thanks. This is a first draft of my Plan B letter, if any of you knowledgeable people have time to take a look and offer advice. I want to come from a place of strength, but I also want to come from a place of love in this last communication. Despite all the garbage, there is light in his soul, somewhere. If I didn't believe that, I would have been gone long ago. I mean what I am saying, but I want to convey love to him, no matter what the future holds. If this is the last communication I ever have with him, I want him to know that I ended it with love. If nothing else, it is more likely to inspire future peace than something more harsh would be:
May 8, 2012
My Dear Husband,
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write, something I have mentally worked on for months and hoped I would not have to do it. Perhaps I should have done it sooner, when your heart was still full of love for me and for our children. I couldn�t bring myself to. But it has finally come to the point where I have to do it, for my own sanity and emotional health. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, and know that it is from the heart.
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I am deeply sorry for this. I know I helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.
I have said this before and I want to say it again: I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I have learned a great deal through all of this. I feel that I am learning a lot about how to be the type of woman that I hope you would feel proud to call your wife. I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.
The past 3� years, and especially the 1� years since you left our home, have been a very difficult passage of time for me, by far the most emotionally traumatic of my life. I remember the pure love, hope, and happiness I felt when, after nearly a year of doing everything I could to just love you after I first discovered this affair, I watched your mind, heart, and soul change and turn to me and our family. You were the most amazing husband and father. I felt so deeply connected to you, so full of love for you, so happy with our marriage and family. I began to feel a deep connection to you again in November and December. I remember long talks, dinners, discussing our lives and our children, touching on the mistakes we had made, expressing love and caring for each other, and bits of hope for our future.
The past 4 months have been the worst of my life. I have felt so much hurt and pain, disbelief, and despair. I let myself slip into a very dark place, and I�m ashamed of much of my own behavior during this time. I have to pull out of this.
I never thought I could survive something like this. I have found strength inside me that I never knew I possessed. I have made many mistakes during this trying time, but I have tried to do what I thought was right and what I felt like God wanted me to do. I have never wanted a divorce, I have believed in you, in our marriage and our family, and in the importance of keeping it together. I have told you many times that I have been amazed at times at the depth of love I have felt for you, even in all of this, that I know God has blessed me to see you the way that He does, as a person of infinite worth. I am sorry for the times in our marriage, both in the past and recently, that I have done things to make you feel anything less than that.
It has been heartbreaking for me to see the damage to each of us as individuals, and to our relationship in all of this, especially during the last 4 months. It is to the point where I even feel very afraid of you, something I do not want to feel. I want to hold onto the love that I still have for you. I also need to hold onto myself. Too much of my focus has been on you. I need to focus on me - my own personal growth, health, and well-being. I also need to focus on my children, helping to rebuild their lives, and love and support and strengthen them.
In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you. This is not in any way meant to punish you. This is about me, what I need to do for myself, in order to move forward in my own life and recover my strength. I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it through ( ).
I want us to work together to restore our marriage and family. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.
I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years. I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart. You know what I am willing to do. You saw it. You saw what our marriage could be, what we could do together. You saw all my efforts, even in the midst of the worst pain possible. You know that I love you, and that I have done everything I can to show you.
I think the mistake we made the first time you chose our marriage was that we didn�t have a plan. If we�d had a plan then, I think we could have avoided the pain of the past year and a half. When you find yourself ready to end this affair completely, once and for all; willing to work out a plan for recovery; and willing to commit to our family, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. I know you do not want to feel controlled or dictated to, and it is not my desire to do either. I want us to work together on this. I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married. I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.
I know things are no longer in my hands. You remember everything I do, you know how I feel, you know what�s in my heart. I have done everything that I can do.
I am leaving you in God�s hands, my sweet _____________.
All my love,
Your wife
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I've cut your letter down some, Its far too complicated and in depth, for a foggy brain. It also apologises for Plan B and reveals way too much neediness. Plan B should look strong It also contains way too much about your thoughts and feelings when a wayward simply doesn't care. If you refer to your pain it must be short or he simply won't read it. May 8, 2012
My Dear Husband,
((((( DELETE - This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write, something I have mentally worked on for months and hoped I would not have to do it. Perhaps I should have done it sooner, when your heart was still full of love for me and for our children. I couldn�t bring myself to. But it has finally come to the point where I have to do it, for my own sanity and emotional health. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, and know that it is from the heart. ))))))))
[This whole first paragraph is an apology for Plan B and entirely removes the strength and justice of doing what you must to save yourself. He won't take you seriously - I would start with a loving memory or sentence here. Something admiring and specific about the past, but short]
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, ((((delete this - and failed to give you what you needed many times. I am deeply sorry for this.)))))) I know I helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.
(((((( Delete - I have said this before and I want to say it again)))) I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. ((((((Delete this, [sounds needy] - I have learned a great deal through all of this. I feel that I am learning a lot about how to be the type of woman that I hope you would feel proud to call your wife. )))))))) I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.
(((((( Delete - The past 3� years, and especially the 1� years since you left our home, have been a very difficult passage of time for me,)))))
[Replace with "Your affair during our marriage has caused"] the most emotionally traumatic of my life. ((((((( Delete - I remember the pure love, hope, and happiness I felt when, after nearly a year of doing everything I could to just love you after I first discovered this affair, I watched your mind, heart, and soul change and turn to me and our family. You were the most amazing husband and father. I felt so deeply connected to you, so full of love for you, so happy with our marriage and family. I began to feel a deep connection to you again in November and December.))))))))
((((((( I would delete this, [although maybe use it for your opening paragraph]: I remember long talks, dinners, discussing our lives and our children, touching on the mistakes we had made, expressing love and caring for each other, and hope for our future.))))))
((((((( Delete, too in depth - The past 4 months have been the worst of my life. I have felt so much hurt and pain, disbelief, and despair. I let myself slip into a very dark place, and I�m ashamed of much of my own behavior during this time. I have to pull out of this.
I never thought I could survive something like this. I have found strength inside me that I never knew I possessed. I have made many mistakes during this trying time, but I have tried to do what I thought was right and what I felt like God wanted me to do. I have never wanted a divorce, I have believed in you, in our marriage and our family, and in the importance of keeping it together. I have told you many times that I have been amazed at times at the depth of love I have felt for you, even in all of this, that I know God has blessed me to see you the way that He does, as a person of infinite worth. I am sorry for the times in our marriage, both in the past and recently, that I have done things to make you feel anything less than that.
It has been heartbreaking for me to see the damage to each of us as individuals, and to our relationship in all of this, especially during the last 4 months. It is to the point where I even feel very afraid of you, something I do not want to feel. I want to hold onto the love that I still have for you. I also need to hold onto myself. Too much of my focus has been on you. I need to focus on me - my own personal growth, health, and well-being. I also need to focus on my children, helping to rebuild their lives, and love and support and strengthen them. ))))))))))))
[Replace with: 'You must know how painful your affair has been for me. I cannot be in any contact with you, while you are with OW]
(((((((((((((Delete
In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you. This is not in any way meant to punish you. This is about me, what I need to do for myself, in order to move forward in my own life and recover my strength.)))) I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it through ( ).
I want us to work together to restore our marriage and family. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.
I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years. I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart. ((((((Delete You know what I am willing to do. You saw it. You saw what our marriage could be, what we could do together. You saw all my efforts, even in the midst of the worst pain possible. You know that I love you, and that I have done everything I can to show you.
I think the mistake we made the first time you chose our marriage was that we didn�t have a plan. If we�d had a plan then, I think we could have avoided the pain of the past year and a half. When you find yourself ready to end this affair completely, once and for all; willing to work out a plan for recovery; and willing to commit to our family, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. I know you do not want to feel controlled or dictated to, and it is not my desire to do either. I want us to work together on this.))))))))
I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married. I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.
((((((((((((Delete
I know things are no longer in my hands. You remember everything I do, you know how I feel, you know what�s in my heart.)))))
I have done everything that I can do.
I am leaving you in God�s hands, my sweet _____________.
All my love,
Your wife
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I would go with something like this:
Dear WH
I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years.
I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs,and helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.
I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.
Your affair during our marriage has caused the most emotionally traumatic time of my life. You must know how painful your affair has been for me. I cannot be in any contact with you, while you are with OW. I must protect myself from this pain.
In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you.
I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it through ( ).
(I would add: I will only be ready to see you when you have made the commitment to separate entirely from OW. When you are ready to permanently end your affair, only then can we begin to rebuild our marriage.)
I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.
I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart.
I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married.
I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.
I have done everything that I can do.
I am leaving you in God�s hands, my sweet _____________.
All my love,
Your wife
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Rainey, I agree with what BR said about signing any legal docs before you're ready. If you have to, just wave your hand and say something like, oh that... I don't understand all that legal mumbo jumbo so I'll have a lawyer take a look and let him get back to you on that. But then you'll be in Plan B by then and he won't hear zip back from you directly.
Warning to what I post next. Don't do what I did!
My then WH came by one day and said we need to get this divorce filed ASAP. He knew I was a paralegal so I could draft it myself. So I did, but I made myself the petitioner and he took it to the courthouse, paid the filing fee and filed it. It broke my heart to do it but I was desperate to please him.
Later I found out that it was because OW was pressuring him. She didn't want to be seen as the OW because of her own custody battle so she basically gave him an ultimatum. File for divorce and bring me the proof or we're done,
It all worked out in my favor in the end however because I was able to dismiss the divorce later because I was petitioner. Long story. I was an idiot for going along and very nearly ended up divorced. I dismissed the petition three days before it was final. He would have had to start over, filing fee and all.
We did recover our marriage but it was a long bumpy road. I didn't have MB or a clue and i went to hell and back. You have MB, use it fully and stick to the plans. With Plan B, you get to skip all the additional drama and grow stronger. You'll regain your confidence and be able to think clearly. YOU will get to decide what's what instead of being lead around by your emotions.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I'd get legal advice RS
You'll need financial support during separation anyway - the wayward is not to be trusted to behave.
It may benefit you to file and become the petitioner, because you would control the pace of divorce that way, rather than letting him file.
Plus if you file on grounds of adultery, naming OW and have her appear in court to explain herself that will put a nice crimp in their plans to use divorce to legitimse their A.
A really good pitbull lawyer will tell you how to protect your finances and whether you should divorce for your own interests or keep things to a separation agreement.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I've read Dr. Harley's books, and some things on this site. But where does he say specifically that women should only do Plan A for 3 weeks, and should not "pursue" their husbands? Those things? I would like to read more of that specific advice from him, but not sure where it is. Thanks. rainy, Dr. Harley has said this several times. He says it frequently on his radio show, and he's on the record saying it on this website multiple times. I'll see if I can dig up a link, but I'll bet MelodyLane will have one faster than I can get one. MelodyLane has been on this site longer than (almost) any other active member, and has made tens of thousands of posts, been on Dr. Harley's radio show several times, and has listened to every broadcast hour of his show. I'm sorry I didn't get to come back and post a link. But I see others have. And then this morning I heard the 3 weeks of Plan A for women figure on an old Marriage Builders radio show: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2793
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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