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So am I to assume that if she does "wake up" and decide to come back to work on our marriage, this will be a constant battle within herself or for me the rest of our marriage?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So am I to assume that if she does "wake up" and decide to come back to work on our marriage, this will be a constant battle within herself or for me the rest of our marriage?
If she has boundaries and implements EP's then she won't have as much of a "constant battle, but like Dr. H says "we are all wired for an affair"
Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
We are all wired for affairs. The only people who are exempt are those who are utterly incapable of meeting someone else's emotional needs. If you can't meet anyone's needs, no one will ever fall in love with you. But if your spouse has anything to offer others, and you are not meeting an important emotional need, commitment to "forsake all others" can become words without meaning.


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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So basically if I do my job she won't think about doing this again?

Does it not work like "she had a taste and will always crave it?"

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Kinda makes me feel like all the pressure and responsibility is gonna be on me. That's not hardly fair.

Am I just misunderstanding?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Kinda makes me feel like all the pressure and responsibility is gonna be on me. That's not hardly fair.

Am I just misunderstanding?
The BS definitely has to do the hard work. That's why a lot of people say "adultery is the get out of jail free card". Some WS are so remorseful that they do all the hardworking, but those are the minority. Only you know how much you can handle.

We are all here to help support those that want to put the hard work in.

If you're looking for a guarantee that she won't ever cheat again. I answer that with "if she follows Dr. Harley's plan EXACTLY then yes she will never cheat again".

We have BS on here that their WS cheated on them a d their


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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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And their BS was meeting their needs perfectly, but the WS had no boundaries.

Melodylane is a perfect example of that. Her H's needs were meet perfectly and he still had an affair.

The Harleys say " there are reasons for having an affair BUT never excuses"

We have had posters leave their marriages with even a repentant WS and they still choose to leave. Stay here and read long enough and you'll see the stories. We have one on the recovery board as we speak. Read wulffpack_girl for an example.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So am I to assume that if she does "wake up" and decide to come back to work on our marriage, this will be a constant battle within herself or for me the rest of our marriage?
For most people, the addiction is to the particular affair partner, not to affairs per se. There are some people who are addicted to affairs, but they tend to show up as serial adulterers. When one affair is discovered, a whole string of others pops up at the same time.

For your wife and most waywards, there is a lifelong addiction - but that is to the individual with whom they had the affair. And this means that yes, she will forever be vulnerable to him and that the affair could be reignited by chance contact - or just by one of them missing the other badly after years have passed, and initiating contact. This can happen even when the marriage is going well.

Dr Harley suggests that this is more likely to be the case for wayward husbands. Men seem to be easily capable of loving more than one woman at a time, and can have a fulfilling, recovered marriage and still retain feelings of love for OW. Somewhere he writes that when he asks a happy, seemingly recovered FWH why he contacted OW again after years, he is told that the man misses OW dreadfully and did it simply because he wanted to. Dr H writes that he believes a FWH needs extra help to keep away from his OW for life, and that he likes those he has worked with to keep in touch with him (Dr H) so that he can keep the FWH accountable. When asked by BWs what is the point of being married if the H will always love someone else, he has to tell them that these are the facts. Presumable they want to be married for good reasons, and the fact that the H retains these feelings does not mean that the marriage will not be very happy; it can be.

Wives are less likely to yearn for OM if their marriage recovers, because women are far less able to love more than one man at a time, so in that way, things are more hopeful for you than they are for me and other wives here. If she falls back in love with you, she won't have active feelings of love for OM. However, just as an alcoholic is always vulnerable to even one drink if they are exposed to it, a FWS is always vulnerable to their particular affair partner, and must stay well away from accidental contact.


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One reason I ask the question about whether she might be addicted to the "fantasy" of any affair or single life is because even though the OM told me and her that he would not be waiting around on her if we divorced, she made the comment that even if he wasn't waiting around on her there would be somebody out there for her.

Although she said this in a pretty heated discussion we had it still resonated with me. I know I have a terrible tendency to analyze EVERYTHING, I don't know if this was just fogbabble or if there is any significance to it.

I guess sometimes I just wonder if she just really doesn't love me any more and I am fighting a losing battle. I'm not giving up but sometimes I get depressed about things when I start thinking about them. It's really hard to stay positive all the time.

I miss the "real" her and I miss my kids. I didn't ask for this and I don't deserve to be missing ANY time with my kids.

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Sorry your feeling down LFH... do you work out on a regular basis? If not I would suggest you do .. start pumping Iron .. running .. etc ... build up your physique. NOt only will it improve your self esteem, it will get your wife looking at ya too! I myself have been working out now stead 4x a week for the past 12 weeks ... what a HUGE difference. I walk with alor more pride than I used to .. and my wife has a hard time keeping her hands off me and shes been noticing that other ladies are now checking me out haha .. shes been alot more attentive too!

I know your not with your wife right now and thats tough especially not being with your kids .. but if you start working out and work on YOU ... give her some bedroom eyes next time you see her but without a look of desperation behind it. Moods are infectious. If you emit a downer mood ... then your wife picks up on it so project a mood that doesnt allow that desperate side to leak out. Women dont like men who act desperate its a turn off.

Dont ACT desperate... act confident that no matter the outcome you will be FINE. OF course you continue with PLAN A .. but only as long as YOU want to. You can not force your wife to do anyhting .. but you can begin to work on yourself to be a better man.

You are ABSOLUTELY right .. you didnt ask for or deserve this .. but it is what it is. Keep trucking ... PLAN A ... etc.. but get a better self image while your working PLan A.

MNG

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MrNiceGuy,

Thanks for the encouragement. I do OK until the days I don't have the kids. I mean I still miss my "real" wife terribly, but when my kids are gone too it makes for a pretty depressing time.

I actually have been working out. It has been tough because I have the kids every 2 days and I was taking 2 college classes online not to mention the full-time job. I just finished my classes for this semester and have decided to not take any during the summer semester. I'm gonna take that time to work on this marriage, the house, Plan A, spend all the time I can with my kids and work on myself.

I understand what you mean about working on myself but that doesn't come very easily for me. I am such a devoted family man (which I know the rest of you are too or you wouldn't be here) I just have a VERY hard time being alone or without my family in tact. It's tough for me to think about and do things without thinking about or including my family, but I understand that I don't really have a cohesive family unit right now.

These emotional times come and go. I have been trying to work out, eat better and make myself a more "desirable" man. I have unfortunately and unwillingly lost about 24lbs because of all the stress. People that I work with have all been complimenting me but I don't tell them why I have lost weight. They all think I've been on a diet. I have never been a heavy guy anyway but losing 24lbs is very noticeable on anyone.

I understand what you're saying and agree. I just have a terribly hard time sometimes doing things in life without being able to share them with my family. And I seriously miss my kids. I would do anything and give up anything for those girls.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
And their BS was meeting their needs perfectly, but the WS had no boundaries.

Melodylane is a perfect example of that. Her H's needs were meet perfectly and he still had an affair.

The Harleys say " there are reasons for having an affair BUT never excuses"

We have had posters leave their marriages with even a repentant WS and they still choose to leave. Stay here and read long enough and you'll see the stories. We have one on the recovery board as we speak. Read wulffpack_girl for an example.

If I remember right Melodylane said she had a mean independent behavior attitude.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
And their BS was meeting their needs perfectly, but the WS had no boundaries.

Melodylane is a perfect example of that. Her H's needs were meet perfectly and he still had an affair.

The Harleys say " there are reasons for having an affair BUT never excuses"

We have had posters leave their marriages with even a repentant WS and they still choose to leave. Stay here and read long enough and you'll see the stories. We have one on the recovery board as we speak. Read wulffpack_girl for an example.

If I remember right Melodylane said she had a mean independent behavior attitude.

Which didn't enter my marriage until years LATER. His affair had nothing to do with unmet needs or lovebusters.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So am I to assume that if she does "wake up" and decide to come back to work on our marriage, this will be a constant battle within herself or for me the rest of our marriage?


nonononoo, it won't. Not if you follow these steps for recovery. It is just like a recovering alcoholic. He learns to not place himself in temptations way. He stays out of bars, keeps booze out of his house, etc. In order for you to agree to accept your wife back, she will have to commit to a program of recovery that involves establishing appropriate boundaries around men. She has very inappropriate boundaries around men.

And if she won't make those changes, then you won't have a marriage anyway and will be better off divorced.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Just so I'm prepared, what are the steps or what should I prepare for once I counter file?

Is there a response or anything that I need to be aware of for when she gets served my counter paperwork?

I'm filing for permanent Sole custody on the grounds of adultery and abandonment. She will be furious with the abandonment because she has maintained the stance throughout this whole time that she has never abandoned her kids.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
And their BS was meeting their needs perfectly, but the WS had no boundaries.

Melodylane is a perfect example of that. Her H's needs were meet perfectly and he still had an affair.

The Harleys say " there are reasons for having an affair BUT never excuses"

We have had posters leave their marriages with even a repentant WS and they still choose to leave. Stay here and read long enough and you'll see the stories. We have one on the recovery board as we speak. Read wulffpack_girl for an example.

If I remember right Melodylane said she had a mean independent behavior attitude.

Which didn't enter my marriage until years LATER. His affair had nothing to do with unmet needs or lovebusters.

Wouldn't you say it was because of his lack of boundaries Mel?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Don't over react to anything she files. It is easy to do when you're on the receiving end. The best response is calm when she flies off the handle.

What should you expect? Expect her to get dirty and fling false accusations of abuse at you either about her or about the kids.

If you don't think she'd do that, then you'd be committing a classic mistake. That's the most common mistake most men make. They assume she'd never stoop so low.

Well, she stooped low enough to have an affair. You never imagined that either, right?

Just be careful.

Filing something doesn't make it so. Just keep that in mind. I use to freak out at stuff my ex use to file. It's an expensive mistake. Unless there is actual evidence, then there is nothing to defend against. The smartest thing you can do is stay quiet about legal matters and don't let her bait you into debates over legal things. Any attempt to do so should be met with, "My lawyer talks divorce stuff. I'm happy to discuss marriage and how we can rebuild."

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I kind of hesitate to ask this because I'm afraid I know what everyone will say and I'm not sure I am ready to hear it or do it.

When I counter file, i know I'm filing for permanent sole custody but do y'all think I should file for temporary sole custody as well or just leave it as it is with temporary joint custody in the meantime.

The main reason I have even been considering leaving it as temp joint is because I dont know if it would be a good idea for the kids right now. Now I do understand that if she goes through with this there is the possibility that I will come out with sole custody anyway permanently which would take them from her the majority of the time anyway. But if she chose to do that then she probably doesnt need to be around them anyway.

Opinions? I'm meeting with the lawyers at 5pm tomorrow

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I kind of hesitate to ask this because I'm afraid I know what everyone will say and I'm not sure I am ready to hear it or do it.

When I counter file, i know I'm filing for permanent sole custody but do y'all think I should file for temporary sole custody as well or just leave it as it is with temporary joint custody in the meantime.

The main reason I have even been considering leaving it as temp joint is because I dont know if it would be a good idea for the kids right now. Now I do understand that if she goes through with this there is the possibility that I will come out with sole custody anyway permanently which would take them from her the majority of the time anyway. But if she chose to do that then she probably doesnt need to be around them anyway.

Opinions? I'm meeting with the lawyers at 5pm tomorrow
I would fight for everything. I think it sends two very STRONG messages.

One that you're fighting for the best interests of your children.

Two it is sending a message that your're fighting against infidelity and her affair.

I would put a clause that she can't bring any OM around your kids.

Fight!!!!! That's my message.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I know it sounds way too compationate but would it not be beneficial at all to do the temp joint custody so she still can see her kids while she thinks about the fact that I filed for perm sole custody if she doesnt wake up?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I know it sounds way too compationate but would it not be beneficial at all to do the temp joint custody so she still can see her kids while she thinks about the fact that I filed for perm sole custody if she doesnt wake up?
Some WW's need the wake up of losing her kids to jolt her.

Women do not respect doormats.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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