Most betrayed spouses (BS) refuse to expose and often run from MB. Please keep in mind that (firstly) exposure and other things (no contact letters, extraordinary precautions) are the only way MB is successful in marriage recovery after an affair.

Whether or not you believe his affair is over, it is recent and it shows that he is ready to go outside your marriage to meet his needs. On this path, it WILL happen again. And again. Until divorce. You not meeting his needs for sex and him not meeting your emotional needs in regards to your son is literally chipping your marriage into pieces.

You can't keep going like this.

He has said that you are putting your child ahead of your marriage. At this point, you are. Likewise, as his affair was only a year ago and you guys are 'lovebusting' constantly, you don't see anything wrong with this either (yes, I'm aware your son has major problems but asides from that).

It sounds as if your son has the same condition as his father (no surprise there as it is often genetic as well as environmental). Since his condition will probably not fully change (managed perhaps but nobody is 'cured' of this), do you think it is possible to see a happy marriage in your future if you will always put your son ahead of your husband? This is not a judgment as to whether you are right or wrong, but just a practicality of it.

Thanks!


Yes, he's been diagnosed, and yes it is OCD. His particular variety features social anxiety (can't function around anyone but family - and this is the one that usually costs him his job), severe depression (suicidal), and psychotic symptoms (hearing voices etc)

UPDATE ON THIS is that his latest mix of meds is working much better, and he got a job just last week which he's gone to twice, and was able to complete 8 hours of work each time with no issues. I asked him about how he's dealing with his more serious symptoms now and he said it's getting a little easier.

Because OCD tends to be a waxing / waning disease I'm trying to not get too excited about this. But for today, for this week, he seems to be getting better.


At first it was because I developed a hormonal imbalance that caused me to not stop menstrual bleeding, where I bled for over 90 days straight and my Dr. was suggesting the surgery to stop it. A second Dr's opinion was to start hormone therapy, which I did and which worked. This was about a year and a half ago (?) roughly. Anyway, after that 90 days, we were sort of used to not having sex, I guess, and it was rather difficult before that anyway due to ED issues. We were growing apart anyway, and I was glad that we couldn't continue with trying to have sex.

I've stopped the hormones twice in the last year and a half, and the issue comes back, so for now I'm just stuck on hormones I'm assuming until I finish with menopause (5-6 years).

I *can* have sex with him, if we choose other methods than penetrative... due to ED. Drs have tried to treat the ED, no success. So I'm just sort of sick and tired of those methods. It's a ton of work for me, I'm really not interested in "receiving" (hormones and/or anger) and I miss the connection we had during lovemaking. The no penetrative thing has been happening for several years. So trust me I'm sick of the alternate methods. I'm over it. Big time.


He's done all he can to repair it, he encourages me in my snooping, I have all his email and computer passwords, I know about all credit card activity, phone activity, I know how much cash he has and where it goes. He leaves me his phone quite frequently, and takes mine instead. (I never could figure out why he was doing that, now I'm thinking it's so he can let me know I can monitor his phone anytime and/or he wants to make sure I'm not going to have a RA).

So he really goes over and above to make me feel secure in what his activity is. He is relentless in telling me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, how attracted he is to me, how he'll do anything to make our relationship better, and how sorry he is. He also demonstrates commitment to me and our marriage by helping me with my son even though obviously he would rather not be supporting this kid right now.

I run a business from home, I'm home all day, so I get all mail, I get all home phone calls. If he's going to be late with a customer at work he calls every single time, I mean.. there's just no way anything further is happening.

In an earlier post I said I really don't want to go into any other details about the affair, but it lasted a few months, I was "surprised" with it - physically witnessed them together, and no he does not see her at all now.

Her BF threw her out of their home after the affair, for other reasons (she refuses to work) and she was working on finding another BF to pay the bills last I heard. I don't know where she lives now.

Hi Alis, I'll start by saying that unfortunately I disagree with most of your post. Here's why:


This does not pertain to me. There is no exposure needed now, and instead of running from MB, I did the opposite. I came here and found it, and am continuing with it. Sorry but I really am not concerned with what "most" couples do. We are currently doing extraordinary measures, as well as the program online. We will likely do coaching as well.


I totally disagree here also; and to clarify: He WAS ready to go outside the marriage a year ago (and did), not IS ready (and will), today.


Maybe you missed the several posts I've made regarding the MB measures we are taking now. No one is continuing on without changing anything.


Correct.


I disagree with your statement that we are "lovebusting constantly", and you are also incorrect in saying that I don't see anything wrong with our situation. Again, I'm here seeking help and we are both moving forward with doing the MB program.


It's not going to be "always" - as nothing ever is "always." Right now it's the best solution. And some good news, as of last week my son has made some progress, so I'm hopeful that he will continue to get better.

Where are your former spouses? Did the two of you begin your relationship before you were divorced?

No, you are incorrect. Disrespectful Judgments on this site refer to statements between husband and wife - not from poster to poster.

Are you kidding me, CWMI? You're really going to get into a pissing contest over language?? How silly of you.

Tell us what you're doing during these 12/15 hours per week.

I'm an English major. If someone is going to insult me, I prefer it be done with proper grammar.

I don't give a [censored] if you're a drum major. Being obnoxious makes you look ugly and, well..obnoxious.

Unless your goal is to look ugly and obnoxious. Let me know and I'll leave you to your posting.

I won't be posting on this particular thread, the OP asked me not to because she found my writing style annoying. I was fixing the grammar in her complaint about my writing. I have a *weird* sense of humor about such things. Good luck, marital!

But you are not doing the MB program. You are picking and choosing what *you* think matters. You are a biased participant.

You are downplaying infidelity (was it even mentioned in your first post?) in your marriage and not following the basic step #1 of Harley's marriage recovery (exposure).

I'd find it annoying, too, if you had your highlighter out, ready to 'mark up' her grammatical errors! How annoying of you, CWMI. This site isn't a grammar site - it's a marriage building site. Not every poster is a master of speaking perfect English. (And for all of your mastery of the language, I'll bet I could nail you hard if we went one-to-one, CWMI. So don't be thinking you're all that, K? Stop grading the posters.

She was annoyed before that post, marital. Who is thinking who is all what??? How about if you HELP this poster, and leave me out of it?

I believe I've already addressed your concerns about your annoyances. Now, SCOOT! SCOOT!

Hi Marital.


They are currently each wallowing (deservedly) in their respective disasters of a life.

My ex is a full-on hoarder, and his children are too disgusted to visit him due to the living in garbage situation that he has going on. His refusal to pay bills, along with cheating on his taxes has left him with garnishments out of his check that leave him with apparently not enough to live on.

I know about the taxes because the IRS had me prove that I had my kids living with me, and was supporting them, and had a court order for custody. He was illegally claiming my kids every year for 4-5 years until they caught up with it. I know about the garnishments because my kids found out and told me. By the way, he also managed to successfully avoid paying child support, but that's another story. I was actually just glad to be rid of him.

My hubby's ex is an ex-cocaine addict, and I use the term "ex-addict" loosely, as family members have told us she's been lurking around her old dealers, looking for drugs as recently as 4 months ago.

Both ex spouses seem unable to maintain any sort of romantic relationship, both are alone. Both have disasters for financial situations also, as both my H and I were the only ones working or paying any bills when we each were married.

I'm not exactly sure why this question is coming up... but there you have it.

Oh yeah, question 2..... We began our relationship with me having been divorced over 3 years, and hubby having just recently moved out and filed for his divorce. Neither of our spouses was victimized or cheated on, other than their gravy trains left, if that is what you are asking?

Not sure about all the whys of these questions I'm getting.. please keep in mind that I'm brand new here, getting used to talking about stuff I'd really rather not.

I'm trying.

Hmmm. I added it up and I guess it's more than I thought. Looks like UA is 21 hours a week or so.

On his days off, we hang out together doing whatever we decide... farmer's market, go out to eat and see a movie, go into the city, go to the beach, go to the park.. whatever we feel like. We rarely *don't* go do something fun to relax on his days off, unless we have a household emergency we have to deal with. (about 8 hours a week)

In the evenings when he gets home from work (I plan my day around his schedule.. so I work when he works), we have dinner together and usually unwind and watch TV. (dinner - about 6 hours a week)

We record stuff we both like to watch when he gets home. We love to watch old black and white movies on Turner Classic Movies.. that's our fav. And it's weird that we both love them, we each were fans of old old movies before we even met. (TV - about 12 hours a week doesn't count)

And we do household stuff sometimes like paint a room, or deep cleaning, or fixing stuff, or gardening or yardwork where we work on a big project together. We enjoy hanging out and doing stuff together. (about 3 hours a week)

Late at night in bed we talk about our day, or what's going on with us, or the kids, or whatever we feel like talking about. The talking helps us feel closer, in the absence of sex. We generally hold hands or I'm laying in his arms while we are talking. We joke and laugh a lot too during when we are in bed talking. (about 4 hours a week)

You are correct, I'm not doing the exposure, there's no need for it. Exposure is asking others to help you straighten out your spouse and get him to quit seeing the affair partner. I don't need to do that.

I agree with you that I've been downplaying the infidelity... I'm actually just realizing via this thread that it was such a huge issue for me still, and that it's likely the cause of most of our problems. I still don't need exposure. But thank you Alis, I appreciate your opinion on it.

Actually not. Exposure is required so others can hold your husband accountable. It is a key part of recovery. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. If you are in the MB online program, then surely your coach has explained this?

For what possible reason would he want to keep it a secret?

here

Partners4life, I am very confused about why you are here. You came here asking for advice and got lots of advice. You have routinely rejected and dismissed most of the advice. [you always know better, of course]

Most is from people who have fully recovered marriages. It doesn't sound to me like you really want advice at all, but rather are seeking validation of your pre-formed opinions. IF that is the case, why are you bothering posters here by asking for advice you know you aren't going to take?

I don't expect you to take this advice either, but the big miss in your marriage is the Policy of Joint Agreement. You are in the habit of making unilateral decisions and beating win/lose agreements out of your husband. ["negotiation chips"] If you read much on this forum, you will realize that is a renters strategy that leads to resentment and incompatibility. The fact that your husband makes sacrifices is not a sign of committment but the foolish strategy of a renter. People who sacrifice keep score and when the score is not even, resentment and eventually selfish demands are employed to even the score.

Have you read about the POJA?

So, P4L - your husband wasn't divorced when you started dating? But, had 'just moved out' and 'filed for divorce'?

So, you were not both divorced when you met? But, he was still married when he met and started dating you?