Actually if you read back, most of the advice is not MB-specific, but pretty pedestrian and advises us to do things that are quite obvious, which we (and anyone else would have) already done. I probably am not being as patient or grateful for that type of advice, as I should, since I did come here asking.

BrainHurts gave me some excellent help that I'm following up on, which I've thanked her for, but of course you haven't mentioned that here because maybe it doesn't fit in with *your* preconceived notions about *me*.

The other posters just ask a bunch of questions... and I'm not sure if it's just a morbid curiosity or what. But I answer and then get judged or attacked, or whatever, and that's fine, it shows who they are and who I am. Apparently the rules for this community are that new people can be attacked, and then everyone calls it something else. Also ok - maybe the whole story will help someone else.

I've had to ask one poster to quit attacking me, publicly on this thread. No "advice" was given by that person, and of course you haven't mentioned that here either. That's fine, people can read back over the posts and see what's what.


That is incorrect. The whole issue is extremely difficult for me to talk about, and I'm very uncomfortable with it. I'm not seeking validation of anything at all.


Actually, I've already stated that this is where he and I plan to start, along with the emotional needs questionnaire.


Not sure how your getting that I'm in the habit of doing this or anything else... but for this one situation you are correct, I did do that. Hopefully when I get started with POJA I can adjust the way I've been dealing with this. So far, I had no tools to use to get through this situation, now I have them.

Partners4life, like I said in my post, you are not here to listen but to get validation for your pre-formed opinions. And you did it again in your response to my post. I view you as unteachable after reading through this whole thread. You continually ignore and dismiss everything. Someone like that can't be helped.

That is why you are having trouble with the other posters. It is very poor etiquette to come on a board, ask for help, and then rudely dismiss those who take the time to help.

One question that kept persisting as I read through all of your dismissive and argumentative posts was this: Does she argue like this with her husband? Does she exude this same know-it-all, dismissive attitude with him?

And lastly, we have so many people here who really do want help, it is a shame to see you waste people's time like this when you and I both know you are not here to learn.

He was not married, he was legally separated, had filed for divorce, and moved out of the home when we started dating.

(Unless you want to call that married, which at this point nothing would surprise me - anything seems to be fair game when folks are looking to judge or attack here, including typos and grammar).

She has not judged you at all. She asked you a very important question. Do you want to know why she asked that or did you just want to run with your pre-formed judgement of her question?

I'd love to know why she asked me that.

By the way, it might be helpful to say something like "In the MB program we do this and this... and one question we use to determine that is this: _____" <--- insert question here

So these questions don't sound like attacks to someone who's been consistently attacked on the boards.

Just a suggestion.

Perhaps posters should submit their posts to you first so you can tell them how to word their posts to suit your personal taste?

And if you have been attacked, I would certainly notify the moderators. I haven't seen any such attacks but I have to admit this is the only thread I have read.

I guess I'll find the answer myself as I go through the program.

When I do I'll come back and post it on this thread so new people can see what it is.

Are you going to call the coaching center or do the online program?

That is probably a good idea. Hopefully you can get the help you need from the MB online course.

We're starting with POJA (badly needed) and the emotional needs questionnaire on Tuesday. We were both actually just talking about where to go from there... I told DH about the coaching, and we are discussing. We are able to get traditional marriage counseling through our insurance, but like I said, I'm not too confident that it will help.

I like this program a LOT, (which is why I'm sticking around through everything that people are throwing at me so far).

I'm not sure on the coaching yet, but I'd like to do it instead of, or even along with, our insurance-paid counseling.

I will keep you updated BrainHurts, thanks.

I would strongly suggest the MB coaching. They are wonderful in giving each one a plan and coaching you, instead of regular counseling that can be devastating to marriages.

If you do choose reqular counseling at the very least Dr. Harley suggests this. How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor

Just to let you know, Melodylane and CWMI are two of our best posters that know the program inside and out. They can make you think, which has been a wonderful help to me.

If you do decide to go with the MB coaching keep us updated, ok?

P4L, the reason we are asking questions is in order to have a complete understanding of your situation. Many times posters don't include critical pieces of information because they either don't realize its importance, or they don't want us to know something that may be crucial to their issue. And that last part may be the case here, since our questions have confirmed that your husband was still married when he began dating you. That's important for us to know.

You are out of line for presuming for even a moment that the posters who have heard the same kind of story many, many times have even an ounce of 'morbid curiosity' regarding your sitch.

I disagree that much of what has been asked or offered here has not been MB based. People have just been asking you to reveal more details and information to get a clear picture of your situation to help YOU.

I can't speak for the others here, only for myself, but I suspected something deeper was going on here then just the situation with your adult child, because I too have an adult child with mental health issues, but this has never been the root problem in my marriage.

You have been very defensive from the very beginning. You stated in your original post that you were "*very* open to suggestions or advice" this has not been the case. You have accused the people trying to help you of "morbid curiosity" seriously? You think your situation is that unique on this forum? I can assure you it is not.

The people on this forum that have or are trying to help you are either working and making great progress to restore a happy marriage, or have already recovered using the MB program, and probably just want to give back by helping others to recover.

You seem to feel that most of the help that has been offered here has been too basic and obvious, and that any idiot would have already tried all of this, so of course you have been there, done that. It has been MB based, and the program DOES work, when applied correctly.

The anger and resentment you still feel towards the A, will destroy your M if not dealt with...period. I tried to use my own program to restore my M and it was a disaster.

Good luck to you, the MB program does work. Believe it or not their are many people here that have faced similar situations, and FAR worse but have successfully recovered.

Good post, tismeagain. Let's wait to see what she's got to say.

And I think it might be good to spell out why. MB believes in no unfaithfulness in marriage. That includes "married but separated" people. The fact that you began your relationship with your now-husand while he was still someone else's husband does not bode well for you. He had unfinished business to attend to, healing and recovery and growth, as well as a moral and legal obligation to a family he was leaving behind. All of that has ramifications on your marriage...because it taints your marriage with those same problems, having begun through his affair, now you know he is capable of doing the same to you, just as he knows you'll be capable of becoming involved with a married person if you feel that technically, it is okay. There are a lot of threads here about "affairages" and you might want to check them out.

I know this poster does not wish my advice so I won't bother to continue, but I'd like to point out that the questions made with "morbid curiosity" are actually questions to answer specific information that is very relevant to Harley's specific affair-recovery and marriage-recovery program. The OP does not believe that Harley's steps, particularly the basic #1 step, apply to her, so I really have anything else to offer.

Our OP knows better how to fix marriages than Dr. Harley, so what can lil' ole me offer? Nuthin. Good luck to you OP, please try and contact the Harleys directly. You will need it.