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You can read my posts on some of the stuff I did to my wife and how badly I hurt her. I have 3 kids with her and 1 with another person. (Jacked up family/life to a new level). Neither my wife nor I can afford to have an apartment. I don't want to lose my family but I have suffered from an addiction that hurt my wife too many times and she needs this to be safe/happy again. It sucks... We are keeping the bank accounts together and I am staying at my mom's 6 nights a week while she is at her moms the other night. I thought I was strong enough to beat my addiction but it won. We aren't hiring a divorce attorny, but she is getting a job. I am not sure if I should try and look out for myself now or should I just go along with whatever she says in the event that things work out? (She has been very fair and kind and tells me she is losing her best friend and is heart broken).


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
Joined: Apr 2006
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Nothing is going to help until you get into recovery. I don't know what your addiction is, but there are groups for everything-AA (alcohol) NA (narcotics and other drugs) SA (sex addiction). You can look them up online or in a phone book.

Find as many groups as you can, and go as often as you can.

I have seen these groups work wonders with lots of people.



johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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I met with my counselor yesterday and restarted from ground zero. So much work and progress were thrown out the window. After 4 months of amazing clean living I let stress take over. I am working through a SA. (Inappropriate thoughts / communicating them with others)

I have given 100% to my family every day of my life. I gave up a ton of extra activities so that I could be home after work and tuck my kids into bed every night and wake up and make them breakfast. My wife "told" me what the parenting schedule should be: I see them Wednesday from 5:30 to 8:30ish so I can put them in bed. (Last night I was so happy seeing them). Then I am at the house Friday at 5:30 to Saturday at 8:30ish (bedtime) then on Sunday from 12-3. I am starting to go through the grieving process of not seeing them daily. It sucks. We havn't told them whats going on yet other than I am staying at Grandma's house to help her. We "formally" are seperated I guess...and will re-evaluate after the summer is over. I don't see how my wife could ever trust or love me again. I just don't want to be a part time dad...even though thats what I am. I just want someone to tell me my kids will be ok and they will always love me....i just miss them so much it hurts...


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
Joined: Jan 2012
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So I have been trying to do things to take care of myself and take my mind of the situation. (I've texted my wife every morning telling her how much I miss her which I am trying to stop doing)

Went to the tanning bed today and my wife sends me an email "Going tanning? Getting ready to start dating?"

Not sure how to respond. Yes I went tanning and all i want is to be with her. Im tempted to just ignore it. I know I need help but I know if I pursue her it will just push her away. Not sure how to respond to her email.


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
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There isn't a woman in the world that doesn't love a gentle flirtation. Tell her you are trying to improve yourself in the hope that the most beautiful woman in the world <insert wife's name> will like the look of you.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Dont respond to her antics and games .... Tell her your just tired of who you currently are and want to change you FOR YOU. Leave it at that .... let her wonder. MEanwhile .. you just continue to become a better YOU .. and display it to her once in a while in a confident way but without EXPECTATIONS.

MNG

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Originally Posted by Phoenix20
So I have been trying to do things to take care of myself and take my mind of the situation. (I've texted my wife every morning telling her how much I miss her which I am trying to stop doing)

Went to the tanning bed today and my wife sends me an email "Going tanning? Getting ready to start dating?"

Not sure how to respond. Yes I went tanning and all i want is to be with her. Im tempted to just ignore it. I know I need help but I know if I pursue her it will just push her away. Not sure how to respond to her email.

Is tanning a trigger for her? When you were cheating were you tanning?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I never physically cheated on her. She got hurt a few years ago and wasn't emotionally available for me. The stress of how she treated me based on stuff that happened resulted in me "having inappropriate conversations".

I am going through a 12 step program to focus on me and trying to do those things that help me feel better I really need to be a better me. She has made it quite clear that she doesn't want to be married but won't file for divorce until the end of summer so that she can save up money. Right now she is very mad at me because she finally said she had to put her foot down on my behavior. (She is 100% right on this!!!!!) I have to get better for me, the firs ttime through this I got better for the marriage, so when things started geting better I wasn't in a good enough place to be strong for her. Now the only person I am doing this is for me. Its just really really hard because I don't know how to be alone without her support.

I have become obsessed with trying to make her happy and want to stay with me and I have to let that go so I can focus on me and the times I have the kids.

Right now I am setting up a bedroom in our house. (Still havn't told the kids, she doesn't want them to know anything is "wrong") But last night we went up stairs to lay down and I was in my room just trying to decompress and put clothes in a drawer and she kept telling me to top doing it, I was being weird, and that I just needed to go to bed. (She has always been very controlling). I just feel like I need to be me so I can focus on me but its hard when she can't just let me do things for me. I don't know....this post is more about me venting and putting my feelings out there in a productive way versus me doing something I would regret.


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,351
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When are you going to call the coaching center?

Didn't you say your wife is in an EA?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My wife was in an EA in December and since then I didn't really feel like she ever "came back to me". As soon as the stuff hit the fan last week she ran to talk to him. (They don't message on Facebook, and his number is blocked on the phone) I know there are other ways to communicate but I don't think he is the problem.

She is 200% done in the marriage. I am going to a counselor to talk about my issues, but she said there were no more chances and that if I ever hurt her again she was done. She has no interest or desire to go to a joint session because she doesn't want to talk about it.

I would do anything to save my marriage, but alot of this is because I am the problem and didn't stay with my counselor long enough to work through some stuff.

Last edited by Phoenix20; 05/22/12 11:21 AM.

Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 94
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I just can't seem to let her go...and I feel so Guilty.


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,351
Likes: 3
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Originally Posted by Phoenix20
My wife was in an EA in December and since then I didn't really feel like she ever "came back to me". As soon as the stuff hit the fan last week she ran to talk to him. (They don't message on Facebook, and his number is blocked on the phone) I know there are other ways to communicate but I don't think he is the problem.

She is 200% done in the marriage. I am going to a counselor to talk about my issues, but she said there were no more chances and that if I ever hurt her again she was done. She has no interest or desire to go to a joint session because she doesn't want to talk about it.

I would do anything to save my marriage, but alot of this is because I am the problem and didn't stay with my counselor long enough to work through some stuff.

If there is another man in the picture this is why she is 200% done with the marriage.

Yes you need to fix you, but you also need to kill her affair with exposure.

I'm sure she is still in contact with him.

You need to snoop and expose. Exposure 101
I would also move this to SAA and stay to one thread ask the MODs to merge all your threads.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I exposed her affiar back in December around the 12th...she continued to hide it off and on till January. She never really came back to me after she cut off contact from him. For the past 5 months it was essentially me pursuing and chasing her while her mom, her friend, and my wife blamed me for her affair. So I basically had to become her servant to convince her to stay. She had a strong sense of entitlement and I got really really lonely and I screwed up and "talked" to another girl briefly about the situation in a disrespectful way to my wife. She is 200% done with the marriage...and I think had been since early this year. She didn't want to invest in me at all and I cracked under the pressure. I can't make someone want to stay married; and I gave her the excuse she wanted to leave. Not sure if I have a choice now or not.


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,351
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Originally Posted by Phoenix20
I exposed her affiar back in December around the 12th...she continued to hide it off and on till January. She never really came back to me after she cut off contact from him. For the past 5 months it was essentially me pursuing and chasing her while her mom, her friend, and my wife blamed me for her affair. So I basically had to become her servant to convince her to stay. She had a strong sense of entitlement and I got really really lonely and I screwed up and "talked" to another girl briefly about the situation in a disrespectful way to my wife. She is 200% done with the marriage...and I think had been since early this year. She didn't want to invest in me at all and I cracked under the pressure. I can't make someone want to stay married; and I gave her the excuse she wanted to leave. Not sure if I have a choice now or not.


Please hit notify and ask the MODS to merge all your threads and stick to one thread.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My brain has been all over the place and I am only gonig to post on this thread. Wife took off her wedding ring 2 days ago and told me she never wanted to be married again. I am 99% sure there are no other guys in the picture, just her being sad because I am a screw up and talked to a girl online. At this point if I were a friend of hers I would tell her that your husband has issues and you probably need a divorce. I am working on me and it sucks because I see her everyday and hurt from the pain I've caused her. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her...unfortunatly she is too hurt to want to stay. Her plan is to save money then when she has enough I find a house and we get a dissalution. Part of me wants to scream out "HELP" but there is a part that says she needs to protect herself. If I don't get better for me it won't work period. If I do get better I have no idea what to do try and convince her this is something worth saving.


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
Joined: Oct 2000
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Originally Posted by Phoenix20
If I do get better I have no idea what to do try and convince her this is something worth saving.

"If" you get better?

BTW, you are not convinced your marriage is worth saving. Which is why you can't 'convince' your wife.

Are you participating in and working with a drug treatment program?

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Originally Posted by Phoenix20
... I am working through a SA. (Inappropriate thoughts / communicating them with others)...
Phoenix20 ~
It appears that you are a "Sex Addict".
Is that right?
If you are, you need to say those words.
Right here ~ Right now!
What is the FIRST thing an addict must do in order to take the FIRST step to recovery?
Yes! You know what it is...
"Hello. My name is Phoenix20 and I am a sex addict".
When did your sex addiction start?
That is how long your W has lived with a sex addict.
BTW ~ Your addiction in no way justifies or rationalizes her affair(s). Does not matter if they are EA's or PA's.
How have you betrayed your W in your addiction?
Porn?
Dating Sites?
Chat Rooms?
Prostitutes?
Affairs?

If you want to do the hard work to restore love in your marriage, you need to listen to each and every word of each and every MB Veteran.
And, yes, I mean EACH and EVERY word of these incredible people!
They will tell you to START by addressing your sex addiction!
Marriage Builders principles can only work as long as a person is WORKING their "recovery"!
It also sounds like your wife is ready to move on.
If she chooses to leave, you still need to work on you!
The reason you are so desperate right now is because you have been keying off of her!
Stop it!!!
Your addiction prevents you from thinking rationally and cognitively!
WORK the twelve steps.
Go to your meetings EVERY DAY for at least 12 months!
Be proactive / aggressive in seeking accountability from your sponsor!
THREE TIMES A DAY ~ EVERY DAY ~ FOR THE NEXT 12 MONTHS!
You still have that "stinkin' thinkin'"!!!!!
And, yes, you know exactly how, what & where that "stinkin' think'" comes from and the triggers that lead to it!!!!!
I hope you will take the bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground and tie it up and walk away from it!
Only then will Marriage Builders be a tool that you can use in order to restore love in your marriage...
That is, if your W agrees to do the hard work she needs to do as well!





"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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Originally Posted by LoveIsaChoice4Me
Originally Posted by Phoenix20
... I am working through a SA. (Inappropriate thoughts / communicating them with others)...
Phoenix20 ~
It appears that you are a "Sex Addict".
Is that right?
If you are, you need to say those words.
Right here ~ Right now!
What is the FIRST thing an addict must do in order to take the FIRST step to recovery?
Yes! You know what it is...
"Hello. My name is Phoenix20 and I am a sex addict".

I agree.

I told you on another thread to name your addiction in your signature. If you try to minimize the problem you will never do anything about it.

Please go through your threads and make a list of the things people have suggested that you do, and then start DOING instead of TALKING. Otherwise your life is never going to change.

Then you can talk about what you are DOING instead of how bad things are.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by LoveIsaChoice4Me
Originally Posted by Phoenix20
... I am working through a SA. (Inappropriate thoughts / communicating them with others)...
Phoenix20 ~
It appears that you are a "Sex Addict".
Is that right?
If you are, you need to say those words.
Right here ~ Right now!
What is the FIRST thing an addict must do in order to take the FIRST step to recovery?
Yes! You know what it is...
"Hello. My name is Phoenix20 and I am a sex addict".

I agree.

I told you on another thread to name your addiction in your signature. If you try to minimize the problem you will never do anything about it.

Please go through your threads and make a list of the things people have suggested that you do, and then start DOING instead of TALKING. Otherwise your life is never going to change.

Then you can talk about what you are DOING instead of how bad things are.
YES! YES!! YES!!!
Phoenix ~ Listen to Markos!
Are you LISTENING?!?
The best gift you can give yourself is the one that sets you "free"...
What is the "gift"?
HONESTY, OPENNESS, WILLINGNESS to come completely "clean"!
It starts from within your heart and soul...
Yes, it hurts to "confess" our sin...
HOWEVER,
The "Truth" shall set you "FREE"!



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My name is Phoenix20 and I am a sex addict. My sexual addiction consists of use of pornography and talking to girls on the internet. I am choosing to change this destructive pattern of behavior and am working with a counselor and will begin a 20 week program in June. I will overcome this addiction so that I am the man God created me to be. Throughout this process I will show my wife the Love and Respect she deserves. I am 100% committed to regaining my life and through this process I will make every effort and attempt to prove I am trustworthy and show my wife I am committed to making my marriage to work.

These actions have ruined the trust my wife had in me and hurt her in ways that she did not deserve.

Last edited by Phoenix20; 05/31/12 11:22 AM.

Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
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