Nerve wracking? Yes the self improvement you are doing is for you no matter what happens. But since it is also a way to make you a better wife, that makes it amends for him too, that he could accept. Its crazy for you to make amends but hide those amends from him!

I agree neediness is to be avoided at all costs, but I would argue that walking on eggshells is needy.

Trying to manouvre him by hiding stuff is needy.

Making full, unafraid heartfelt amends - where he has the choice to walk away with your blessing is not needy.

Stregnth and independence look like this:
1) I have nothing to hide, I'm an open book
2) I want you back and I'm not afraid to say so
3) The decision is yours, I will respect it
4) An RA with single mum is NOT cool and I don't want you to make the same mistake I made.

If the last one makes you quail, don't let it. You are his wife and men like a wife to show a natural level of jealousy.

Neediness involves fear and lack of standards.

You show no fear and let it be known you won't be around if he goes wayward. You love him but you still have standards

Thanks IndieGirl,

I agree with everything you just said. Um what do you mean by RA?

Walking on eggshells is needy, it's selfish because it says "I (empahsis on the I, gotta learn how to bold things!) can't handle what you may or may not say so i'll hide what might provide healing for you"

It's a selfish world we live in that tells us to protect ourselves all the time.

Hello Velvet, have posted on another forum tonight and just simply wishing you well that you are staying the course and are still here. Nothing more in terms of advice, but just simply prayers for you and your marriage.

Tom

Thank you so much Tom. Definitely still here :-)

BV,

Listen to Indie, she is one smart cookie. I am in a similar boat as you and her advice up top was what I needed as well. Thanks Indie!!!

Whenever I am feeling helpless and sorry for myself I just remind myself that I gave up on my marriage once by having an A. Because of that I owe it to my marriage to fight now until the bitter end. Until my H hands me divorce papers I won't give up on us.

RA=Revenge affair

Fifteen Years,

Thanks for that encouragment. I feel the same. I won't give up until divorce is filed for. Whats the deal in the states? Do you have to wait 2 years after seperation like here?

I don't think he would see making friends with a single mum as having an EA. And i suspect that since we are seperated, advice from others and what he thinks himself is that it will not be an affair.

If he is still legally married to you, it is an affair. I guess it depends on who you talk to but IMO, I think it is an affair.

It is different in every state and honestly I don't even completely know all the ends and outs in my own state. I have never had to worry about it before.

I'm praying like mad that it doesn't come to this. I don't know what contact he's had with her in the last few weeks but my brain goes crazy at times wondering.

On a more positive note - I had to pop in to where he and our DD share a room at his parents to pick something up. He wasn't home but said that the cough medicine was on his bedside table. It was, along with a framed picture of me and him from 6 or 7 years ago. My instant reaction is that it was in the room for our DD. But part of me holds out hope that it was there because he was remembering what we used to be like.

Still no word that he's received my apology letter, and i'm not holding my breath for any acknowledgement.

Putting his opinions in front of your own - and the bare fact that it could well turn into an A - is needy.

He has free will. You don't 'need' him to see it your way. He can choose OS friendships and poor boundaries if he wants.

The point is that YOU display an unneedy and strong stance of 'I want a strong marriage with no OS friendships. I'm offering that. Up to you.'

Am considering doing this, even though there has been no contact. This would be more an action for my BH.

This is my NC draft, please feel free to comment;

OM,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless, cruel and wrong. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time. I have no desire to recover the items that were left at your house so please dispose of them as you wish.


Sincerely,

I like it.

So now what? Send it to your BH and ask your BH to send it?

Yes. Thats the plan. It's just about the timing. I don't want to overwelm him with things and he's only just received my apology letter.

I have invited him (and his brother) to dinner tomorrow night. He said he's not sure what his brother is doing and didn't say yes or no, just 'ok'. I guess that's better than a straight out 'no'!

I think following up with the NC after the apology is perfect. He will see your actions.
"
"Say great I'm glad we are going to dinner together we will have a blast"

I think it should just be you and your BH anyway. No brother the better for UA.

Hi Velvet,

I did not get this impression that much, but sort of, in that you or your H may have your eye on length of time to divorce. I realize that the amount of time varies between the various states in the US, and UK an other countries - but know what - that is like a wide receiver in the NFL taking his eye off the ball for a split second for what could have been a certain TD catch in the Super Bowl, but it just results in an incomplte catch! I think sometimes here I see too much posted about the divorce strategy, and that simply takes your eye off the ball Velvet - your M. I see that you are trying to do your best and I realise that divorce is a concern and a possibility, but don't be distracted from your goal.

" We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible."...Vince Lombardi.

The above is a quote from a great football coach, and I think it applies to life as well as to football. I don't offer you this at all in terms of MB concept, but just in terms if some inspiration.

Do well,

Tom

Thanks Tom. Well said and taken on board.

BTW - for those following...

HE CAME TO DINNER!!!

Ok so did his brother but he left fairly soon after dinner and left us 3. Was a nice night. Unfortunatley we didn't get a chance to 'talk' as our DD was being difficult going to sleep and H had to leave for work (night shift last night). I think DD might have been excited we were all together :-)

So it was nice, and perhaps we just need some time like that, even if we don't 'talk'.

No mention of the letter, i can only assume he received it!

So i got a txt this morning saying thanks for the apology letter. Nice that i got acknowledgement of it.

Now i have to figure out what my next steps are...