Honestly, not good... we have had a few discussions and things are becoming very clear to me now. Don't have a lot of time right now so I will have to be quick.

I know MrsRecon got on me calling me out for being verbally abusive towards her, and I do not deny that I have said hurtful things to her in the past but what husband has not said negative things to his wife once in a while, I'm not condoning it I'm just saying we are all human. Anyway I know what I have done wrong in the past and have learned from my mistakes.

Anyway many of her friends who have never been close with me have contacted me over the past weeks expressing their sadness for our situation. They said that when my wife told them the reasons for divorce they all told her something like "well I can see how you would be hurt by that... but I really don't think its enough to get divorced over"! When they told her that my wife got furious and said "you are just like him... always judging me... I just want to be free and do whatever I want... I don't want to have to worry about anyone else" Her friends contacted me to essentially let me know that they too have always felt used by my wife in one way or another. They were not saying it was not my fault, but they were saying that they were disappointed in my wife for giving up on her family so easily.

I have also been reading many posts on here and have found so many similarities between other WW and mine. As they say there is nothing unique about a wayward, its the same story just different words. Last weekend she went out with her friend for dinner and she had a few glasses of wine, when she got home she was a little tipsy so I asked her a few questions (booze is the best truth cerium with her, works every time). First I asked if she had cheated on me, she said no... then I asked what she was doing texting the other guy, was she planning to cheat? She said no she didn't want to sleep with him, so I asked "were you going to start dating him" she said no... she didn't want to date anyone, so I asked well then what did you want? She said she didn't really know, she just wanted to feel pretty, she just wanted someone to chase her. I told her "what do you think I have been doing for the past months" she said "you don't count your my husband, I need to be chased by other men"!

I have to go now, I'll finish the story later but the conclusion is that I realized that I have not been a controlling abusive husband but I have been a husband who holds his wife accountable. It just so happens that my wife perceives accountability as hostility and controlling.

RCX, I'm sorry you had to find out that your wayward wife is a wayward wife, not just an anomaly or exception. Common wayward. She has tasted this life a bit and now cannot get rid of it. Im sorry..

Its almost midnight here, not much time to post more, just wanted to offer my support. Maybe this wil help you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit.html

RCX, about a week or two ago you said you had no intention of making any decisions or taking any extreme actions for a few months (I believe). I remember being in that mindset. What happened to me was that for whatever reasons my time frame kept getting shorter and shorter, in a way without me even knowing it. Little things like the quote above "you don't count your my husband, I need to be chased by other men" would shrink my resolve and wear on my patience. Eventually I couldn't take another minute of her behavior. It seemed to happen all at once, but in retrospect I was crumbling by the day.

Perhaps you have more strength than I did. I'm inclined to believe so, for some reason. But I don't think anyone can endure the type of environment you're living in indefinitely. In fact I think most of us are much more confident in our abilities than we should be - we're human and do have our self-worth afterall.

Looking back, the only way I could have averted my falling off the deep end and actually agreeing to the divorce would have been to do what everyone was trying to tell me to do and I just couldn't muster the courage to do: Plan B.

I don't know if it would have saved my marriage. I do know that it would have bought me more time, and gave me a chance to regain/gain some perspective. It's very difficult to think straight when your wife is saying things like the above to you; it's like living with an insane person.

From what I can see, you are in a good position to implement a very good Plan B. Effective would not even begin to describe the benefits to you, your family, your daughter, and those you love if you could get yourself into Plan B. Imagine being able to set the example for your daughter: "we don't spend time around those who intentionally or unintentionally hurt us and refuse to stop. We don't give up on them right away, we make it clear what we expect, we give them a chance...but we remove ourselves from the abuse as a form of self-protection; because WE matter, too."

Things are going to be okay for you, rcx. I know that from reading your posts. The question you have to ask yourself remains the same: How badly do I want to save this marriage and make it better than I ever dreamed it could be, for me, for my child, and for my wife?

It's not an easy decision, and it's also one that can't be rushed. Especially by a lunatic wayward.

opt

RCX, the link I gave you yesterday, talks about unconditional love and what it may create, one of them which is abuse. If you read further then Part 2 says that if that is the case then separation would be in order. I think that these letters help you decide what to do next. MB doesn't propagate marriage at all cost. And at this moment you do not have a marriage anymore, at least not the one that would be fulfilling and protecting.

Your WW needs a serious reality bite and you need to protect yourself and your daughter from her until she sobers up if she ever chooses to. Plan B would be one thing to think about seriously.

Here's what Dr Harley has said about Plan B: What are Plan A and Plan B?.

Here's a Collection of Plan B sample letters.


Here's what one of the seasoned people on MB has written about Plan B. How to Plan B correctly

Should you want support and help from fellow Plan B'ers, then Scotland is one of the toughest one and she can definitely help you, Indiegirl too.

Should you want to entertain yourself a bit then read this - Female wayward fog disassembled....

You will find a way.

RCX,
You're coaching with Steve, correct? When is your next apt with him?

rcx, how was your weekend?
I hope you had a chance to do some reading -- very good links provided by recon above.

I know you have a lot to think about, and I pray for you to continue to have patience as recovery OR divorce can be a long road.

Were you thinking of talking to Steve again? What about calling the radio show?

opt

Remember that ww words are only used as manipulation tools. "hostility and cotrolling" are translated as "that mean ol' husband of mine won't let me go out and act like a reprehensible little hootchymomma, *sniff*, *snizzle*"

Recovered waywards Always thank their spouses for being strong enough to stand up to the abuse and irresponsible behavior. They find that the life they were in was nothing compared to having a spouse willing to defend their family, even against threats from within.

You were going to "finish the story later".....

opt

Hi sorry I haven't been so active here lately, lots going on and lots to think about. I had a great weekend, lots of time with my daughter it was really wonderful. If there is any good that has come out of this mess it is that it has brought me and my daughter closer together.

This weekend was also very good for my wife, she is getting a taste of what it will be like to be divorced. Up until now she has thought my family felt sorry for her and were on her side (because they were still being respectful to her) this weekend it was made very clear that they were not on her side and were quite disappointed in the example she was showing to our daughter by flirting with other men and stating that she didn't care if we were divorced or not she would start dating whenever she felt like it. She then accused me of "making her look bad" to my family for telling them about the above. I asked her "did I lie to them" she said no, so I said well how can I make you look bad if I tell my family who you really are? She got mad and said she could never win with me. Then she went on to say how the second texting fling didn't even count because it never went anywhere... I said "it didn't go anywhere because the other man did not respond, he killed it not you". It didn't go anywhere because of him, and it made you sad that it didn't go anywhere. You saying you are innocent because it didn't go anywhere is the same as someone who loads a gun points to someones head pulls the trigger but because the bullet doesn't fire then claims they are innocent because they didn't actually kill anyone. She told me I was being ridiculous and when will I ever let the past die.

What I was going to say when I finished my story was that I have very clearly been going through the stages of grief/loss/divorce... whatever you want to call it. It has caused me to have mass reflection on myself and my life and who I want to be in the future. I was really concerned that maybe I was an abusive and controlling person, but I thought back to several other long term relationships I had in college and those girls would have never described me that way, this is when I realized that my wife's perception of controlling and abusive is holding her accountable for her actions (I think the above story is a good example of how she dodges accountability). I then thought back to when my wife has ever been held accountable for her actions or decisions in her life and I could only think of a few. This led to many more reflections on our relationship and our history together... its amazing how clear things become when you remove emotion!

About the making any rash decisions I haven't made any yet but I guess you could say that we are two acquaintances sleeping in the same house. Any discussion I have with her is polite but business like, I simply do not and can not trust her. I discussed plan B with my lawyer and he strongly advised not to, the county I live in (and the judge assigned to our case) are extremely pro female in divorce cases and it would be disastrous to my custody case if I left the house. There have been cases where moms who were convicted drug addicts were awarded full custody of the children because the father tried to keep the children from seeing their their junkie mothers all strung out, the court said the father was depriving the children of motherly love (what have we created in our court system today)!!!

In summary the status of our marriage is that it is DEAD. Most days I have almost no feelings towards her, I don't hate her but I certainly do not have any positive feelings towards her, I respect her as the mother of my daughter and as a human but not so much more. When she talks about her feelings towards me she says she thinks of me like I am one of her best friends? As for me I would not describe her even as a friend, I like to be around my friends... I trust my friends... I feel comfortable around my friends. Also last week I got really sad on Thursday when I realized that it will take me a LONG time to trust another woman. I talked to my family about this and they all said they thought it is exactly how I should feel given my situation. They said they would be worried if I just went out and found a new girlfriend right away without healing myself first. My wife on the other hand has no worries about meeting a new man, no fears he will "mentally abuse" her like I did for so many years. She is excited to date new people and have them chase her. The thing I take away from this is that I have not "hurt" her as much as she says, if I had she would be very gun shy of men like I am of women right now.

I'll let you know how it goes over the next few days, her fantasy "snow globe scene" of a divorce is developing massive cracks lately. She cant build or buy a house up to her standards, no boyfriend in waiting, she knows I have told our families about her texting, and I have been having a great life with my daughter without her. Plus any discussion we have is free of SDs or AOs. It has to be sinking in that the life she is leaving is so much better than the life she will live. But as of now the burden is on her to win me back, she will have to earn my trust and that will not come easily.

You have to read more about Plan B. You will not leave the house and abandon your child. She will leave. You pack her belongings, write a plan B letter, put it with her belongings and let her know where she can pick them. Then you change the locks and contact information and go dark NC with your WW.

Here's an excellent thread - your situation being a bit different, but basically still the same because you are dealing with a WW - Men, do not leave your home

That's scary. I also think some of these stories tend to get exaggerated. Especially by lawyers. They like the drama, I believe. It's good for business.
[*IA with recon: you don't have a full understanding of Plan B]

As long as we're on the subject however, I wanted to mention something you said a while back about going for 40/60 custody. This is not good enough, my friend. You are the one to be setting the example for your daughter, most, if not ALL the time. Start with 60/40 at least.

You say things like that you're impressed with her mothering abilities. Her mothering abilities are NOT impressive. She is selfish and inconsiderate. This is not good mothering. She's ready to abandon her family. There's nothing motherly about that. No wayward, fogged-out person is a good mother.

Your daugter needs you, RCX. She needs to see what integrity looks like. Don't acquiesce to your WW and deprive your DD of that opportunity; right?

I'm glad you are not giving her a picture of the fantasy divorce. I'm glad her world is not rosy and that she is uncomfortable. Good for your family to be holding her accountable. She will either "get it" or not. Either way, you have reinforced some very important boundaries. That is how to set a good example for your child.

Oh, and did you say you were off the anti-anxiety meds? I'm no pshychiatrist, but you do have them for a reason, so consider utilizing them in this time of tremendous stress. I have heard Dr. Harley advocate the use of meds for the BS many times; just to get through and help you see clearly since the emotions can totally take over and promote irrational decisions.

opt

Yes you're correct Dr. Harley does.

thanks BH. johnny on the spot!
very helpful.

opt

Thank YOU fellow MB warrior!

I just remembered. This stuck out to me. It appears your love bank is either empty or close to it. This is another indicator that Plan B would be an effective way to protect yourself and perhaps give the marriage one more glimmering chance. Consider this for your daughter and the long term goal.

opt

Hey RCX. What's up?
I hope you're okay.
opt

Hello again,

Well the divorce is coming along nicely, I have realized that this is the best thing for us. There is no way she will ever be trustworthy to me and without trust there can be no relationship. She has too many character flaws and has no interest in improving upon them. She is not even interested in a relationship just someone to "talk to me nicely, who accepts me for who I am"... A cheating floozy is who she is!!

So anyway things have been pleasant between us up until this weekend. She wanted to go on a trip with a friend from work... well I had suspicion about this and after a little snooping the truth came out. She went on the trip with a man and a group of people. No one on the trip thinks there was any sex (some of them didn't realize she was still married) but it doesn't matter to me at this point she is dead to me.

My only question is that I told her if she pulls any funny business during the divorce that I will expose her to everyone she and he knows. Should I expose them anyway? I want the divorce so it is no use breaking up the affair, but should I expose anyway or is it just being nasty at this point. Would it serve as a good example to my 4yo daughter to show her this is what happens to skanks or would it make me look like a nasty person?

She has really screwed me up... it will take a LONG time for me to be able to trust another woman. Is there any thing I can do to help with the resentment?

I would expose it in a heartbeat. Don't do it nasty, just say the truth.

I'm sorry for that.

What exactly your snooping has revealed? Is this the man she is having an affair with?

If those people are all friends then they watch carefully that the truth won't come out. So, I would expose. Don't just threaten to expose, do it. When she is having an affair then you should expose immediately. The idea of exposure is to reveal the truth and share information, and that you won't tolerate and enable this affair.

Plan B would help. Not seeing her every day would help you quite a bit. There are many people here who have started plan B their waywards and are continuing it during the divorce time and beyond.

I would expose. I exposed in Plan B after months of the A going on and being separated from WH, and am glad I did. It has helped with my recovery in the long-term, as I wanted to speak the truth. Actually, I think I needed to speak the truth. Regardless of the effect on the A.

Also, Plan B will help with the resentment. I still have moments of it, usually because there has been a crack in my Plan B with indirect contact. Sometimes I still feel the hurt of what the wayward did to me, but it is more about the traumatic effect on me by their actions than about him and OW.

Most importantly, Plan B allows you to see the wayward for who they are, and to realise your life is better off without them. To build a life without the toxicity of a wayward. To even the roller coaster out, to allow you to think about you rather than about them.

Err, maybe you shouldn't read my last post on my thread as I have just hit a bump in the coaster. Despite this, IRL everyone who knows me has noticed a difference since I exposed and stayed in Plan B. I am healing.