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Apparently I am completely and absolutely incapable of Plan A'ing.

She emails and starts talking about splitting up the finances. Then, this morning she calls about the same thing and is talking like it's just another normal conversation.

Well, I go into telling her that the reasons she is giving for walking away from everything are a load of crap. I tell her that she knows good and well that's not the reason and that she will realize it but when she does, I WILL NOT be there waiting for her. I told her that I was fine before she came along and I will be fine after she's gone.

She tries to go into her same speech that "we both made mistakes and she has accepted her mistakes and if I don't want to admit my part in bringing this marriage to the point it's at then that's my choice."

I told her that she can continue to tell herself whatever she wants that will make herself feel better, but I know the truth and I know she does too. I think she STILL thinks that this is going to be an easy and pleasant process that will come out in her favor.....INCREDULOUS!!!!

I think I may actually be getting to the point where I'm not sure I WANT this saved anymore....right now anyway.

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I also reminded her of the FACT that if this goes all the way, I WILL NOT in any form or fashion be her friend/pal/buddy and that she needs to get that fantasy out of her head because it won't happen....period!

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lfh, I would avoid those type of conversations and instead just say you will leave that all up to the lawyers. BUT...your lawyer has to have her served. Has he done that?

If you can get him to serve her, then you can brush aside those discussions and focus on being pleasant. See what I mean?

And don't worry about flubbing up on Plan A! Just regroup and be better prepared in the future. I know how hard it is not get dragged into a debate!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I also reminded her of the FACT that if this goes all the way, I WILL NOT in any form or fashion be her friend/pal/buddy and that she needs to get that fantasy out of her head because it won't happen....period!

Now that was a PERFECT thing to say. What was her response?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know ML. I'm sorry. I'm really trying but I think I'm getting to the "just being mad at her" stage.

I'll put all my efforts into avoiding those conversations at all costs. It's very tough because she seems to not be bothers by any of this...not even the thought of missing 50% of her babies life for the next 16 years!!! Can't believe any person much less a MOTHER could be ok with that.

In regards to how she responded to my "no friendship" after this is over statement: she just got kind of quiet and didn't really have anything else to say after that. I ended the conversation and told her I would talk to her later and said goodbye.

She has has not been served yet. I met with my lawyer Friday and we are working on getting that done for her and the POSOM.

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See, she wants to "start paying her own bills" plus her part of any joint bills. This is all fine and dandy but she is neglecting to mention the bills that are in my name that we incurred along the way.

I mentioned coming to an agreement between ourselves without involving lawyers and she latched onto that idea before I even finished the sentence. I think she thought I meant settling EVERYTHING (finances, material things, kids, etc) without lawyers. Well, I put that to rest very abruptly as well.

I told her that we should agree on the finances and the stuff (because I didn't want anything from her that's not mine) and we would let the lawyers and the court settle the rest. She didn't have anything else to say about that.

I'm just angry with her and the fact that her family doesn't seem to want to "get in her business" or "make her mad" by basically telling her what it is that she's really doing...which is throwing away a lot of stuff just because "it's what she wants".

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
In regards to how she responded to my "no friendship" after this is over statement: she just got kind of quiet and didn't really have anything else to say after that. I ended the conversation and told her I would talk to her later and said goodbye.

This is giving her second thoughts. But you just need to reign in that anger because she uses that against you. It is real important that you put your emotions aside and be more strategic. See, she does not have a plan! you do!! laugh That gives you a huge advantage. She doesn't really think you are serious yet, but with what you said today, your email with your conditions, and getting served, she will GET how serious you are. So when the she is served with that sledgehammer, you need to be sitting there looking pretty.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm just angry with her and the fact that her family doesn't seem to want to "get in her business" or "make her mad" by basically telling her what it is that she's really doing...which is throwing away a lot of stuff just because "it's what she wants".

Don't lecture her anymore! you can see that those kind of conversations only make things worse. And they frustrate you terribly!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm just angry with her and the fact that her family doesn't seem to want to "get in her business" or "make her mad" by basically telling her what it is that she's really doing...which is throwing away a lot of stuff just because "it's what she wants".

Don't lecture her anymore! you can see that those kind of conversations only make things worse. And they frustrate you terribly!

I know. I mean, I really do know that. I tell myself that all the time..."stop doing it". But I guess the emotions take over. I'm gonna have to do some Yoga or meditation or something.

I have never experienced anything that has put me on this kind of emotional roller coaster.

I'll put everything I have into reigning my emotions in. Sorry I keep screwing up. I really am trying...much more so thatn it appears.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm just angry with her and the fact that her family doesn't seem to want to "get in her business" or "make her mad" by basically telling her what it is that she's really doing...which is throwing away a lot of stuff just because "it's what she wants".

Don't lecture her anymore! you can see that those kind of conversations only make things worse. And they frustrate you terribly!

I know. I mean, I really do know that. I tell myself that all the time..."stop doing it". But I guess the emotions take over. I'm gonna have to do some Yoga or meditation or something.

I have never experienced anything that has put me on this kind of emotional roller coaster.

I'll put everything I have into reigning my emotions in. Sorry I keep screwing up. I really am trying...much more so thatn it appears.

I know it is SO VERY HARD!! I was not able to do it myself. Try telling yourself that this is a STRATEGY and every time you lose your temper or lecture her, you are wrecking your PLAN and handing her ammunition to use against you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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It's very hard, my friend, but you've done a good job in reminding her that you won't be friends if this does end in D.

That is more true than you can imagine. The friendly divorce only exists in Hollywood.

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I have to say that I don't know if she even cares anymore. Or at least that's how it appears to me.

She also doesn't seem to be bothered at all that she's losing time with her kids. Losing time with my kids absolutely kills me. I'm pretty much a basket case when I don't have them.

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It's more important to her right now to go out on the lake on her sister's boat and to be "free" than it is to uphold her family obligations.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I have to say that I don't know if she even cares anymore. Or at least that's how it appears to me.

Yes, we already knew this.

Quote
She also doesn't seem to be bothered at all that she's losing time with her kids. Losing time with my kids absolutely kills me. I'm pretty much a basket case when I don't have them.

She is not bothered NOW because she is high on her addiction to the OM. When the affair ends, boy oh boy, she will endure the greatest regret of her life. There will come a time - hopefully in the near future - when she realizes she is making the biggest mistake of her life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
It's more important to her right now to go out on the lake on her sister's boat and to be "free" than it is to uphold her family obligations.

That is right. But don't say that to her, ok?

Trying to make her feel guilty [and she has lots to feel guilty about!] works against you, not for you. So don't give into that temptation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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ML,

I won't but I'm hurting more than I ever have in my life. I'm having a very bad low point this morning. I've been going to church by myself and I just start thinking about all we have done together and been through and I just hurt so bad.

I'm not showing her any of this but this pain is worse than ANY I have ever felt. I know Dr. Harley says it's worse than a death in the family and that is an understatement.

I'm sticking with the plan but I am losing hope quickly. I'm trying to stay positive, but just can't some days (or hours). The plan is still going. I'll be ok today....in a little while. I think I'm gonna go over to my parents' house for a while.

It just hurts so bad that the one person you thought you could trust and were gonna spend the rest of your life with can turn on you like this. I seriously want to "talk" to the POSOM...but I won't...I won't. I promise.

I still have such disbelief that this is even real and that it can't be happening. But it is....unfortunately.

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Please forgive any mis-spelling or jumbled thought...I wrote these posts through the tears.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm sticking with the plan but I am losing hope quickly. I'm trying to stay positive, but just can't some days (or hours). The plan is still going. I'll be ok today....in a little while. I think I'm gonna go over to my parents' house for a while.

hugs to you, my friend. I know how deeply you are hurting. But I promise you it won't always be like this. No matter how this goes, you will come out of this and be happy again. I PROMISE YOU.

It is real important that you push through this depression for the sake of your kids. Get on anti-depressants, exercise, get out and do things. DRAG your body out the door and go do something.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lookingforhelp}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Do some waywards NOT come out of the fog?

Last edited by looking_for_help; 05/20/12 02:27 PM.
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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Do some waywards NOT come out of the fog?

That is correct. Some do not come out of the fog. Others do. In your case, i am certain that your wife is still in an active affair, which is why she is so withdrawn and foggy. I am hopeful that the divorce papers calling the OM into court might be a wake up call for the affairees.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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