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Well you can bet your last bit of ice cream money that the papers are already in the works.

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smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Does anyone know in a "normal" divorce with kids where the wife is the one divorcing, is it normal for the wife to continue to maintain contact about the kids when she has them? Contact in the form of texts and emails that might have pics of the kids doing little things that are not things that are necessary for communication?

I don't mean to sound like I don't want to see that kind of stuff but I feel like she kind of uses the kids to maintain communication with me. I guess I'm trying to figure out why she doesn't want anything to do with me and wants a divorce but she continues to stay in contact with me by using the kids.

I know we will always have to communicate about the kids but the stuff that she want to communicate about is sometimes meaningless stuff or things that seem like she wants to "direct me" or "tell me" what to do in regards to them.

Is this just another way of her trying to continue to control me? I know I shouldn't be trying to continuously analyze her actions because they are not analyzable so I'll understand if y'all tell me to not worry about this.

It just helps to post on here even if I don't get answers sometimes.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Does anyone know in a "normal" divorce with kids where the wife is the one divorcing, is it normal for the wife to continue to maintain contact about the kids when she has them? Contact in the form of texts and emails that might have pics of the kids doing little things that are not things that are necessary for communication?

I don't mean to sound like I don't want to see that kind of stuff but I feel like she kind of uses the kids to maintain communication with me. I guess I'm trying to figure out why she doesn't want anything to do with me and wants a divorce but she continues to stay in contact with me by using the kids.

I know we will always have to communicate about the kids but the stuff that she want to communicate about is sometimes meaningless stuff or things that seem like she wants to "direct me" or "tell me" what to do in regards to them.

Is this just another way of her trying to continue to control me? I know I shouldn't be trying to continuously analyze her actions because they are not analyzable so I'll understand if y'all tell me to not worry about this.

It just helps to post on here even if I don't get answers sometimes.

Very, very typical of WW's but in general WS. They think it helps reduce their guilt of tearing the family apart.

"See look I'm a good mom/dad because I send pictures of my kids".

Yes and you need to stop continuing analyizing because it will just give you a headache. Find something to do when these thoughts come upon you. Stay busy.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks BrainHurts,

That makes perfect sense because I don't know how many times during our "conversations" she would just out of the blue say "well, I know I'm a good person and a good mom" all said while she was crying.

I know I shouldn't be trying to analyze everything she's doing. I just can't help it. I guess I keep thinking that maybe I can stumble on something that will help me help bring her out of the fog enough to see the reality of the situation.

I also know that thought process is futile. I hear what y'all are saying. It's just tough to not be able to do more than I've done or in the process of doing to help fix the situation. Not being able to understand or do much of anything is very difficult for me because I'm supposed to be able to take care of my family. Yet, in this situation, things are mostly out of my control...mostly (I guess that's the part that is driving me crazy).

I know I'm doing what I can by following the directions on the forum so I'll try to redirect my thinking when I start doing this next time. Thanks for humoring me by answering.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Thanks BrainHurts,

That makes perfect sense because I don't know how many times during our "conversations" she would just out of the blue say "well, I know I'm a good person and a good mom" all said while she was crying.

I know I shouldn't be trying to analyze everything she's doing. I just can't help it. I guess I keep thinking that maybe I can stumble on something that will help me help bring her out of the fog enough to see the reality of the situation.

I also know that thought process is futile. I hear what y'all are saying. It's just tough to not be able to do more than I've done or in the process of doing to help fix the situation. Not being able to understand or do much of anything is very difficult for me because I'm supposed to be able to take care of my family. Yet, in this situation, things are mostly out of my control...mostly (I guess that's the part that is driving me crazy).

I know I'm doing what I can by following the directions on the forum so I'll try to redirect my thinking when I start doing this next time. Thanks for humoring me by answering.


We've all been there and know what's it like to try and figure out the insanity.

Sometimes more than not there is no answer.

All we can do is make us the best we can be.



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I want to throw something else out there for opinion. I know the final decision is mine but I want to know what the general thought is on here.

In my counter claim I may be able to ask for Permanent AND Temporary custody. If I am allowed to do that, should I ask for both or just the Permanent?

I've been debating on whether to do the Temp and just do the Perm. That will allow her to see what's coming and think about what she will be risking.

Just wanted to see what the forum thought about this.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I don't mean to sound like I don't want to see that kind of stuff but I feel like she kind of uses the kids to maintain communication with me. I guess I'm trying to figure out why she doesn't want anything to do with me and wants a divorce but she continues to stay in contact with me by using the kids.

It makes her feel less guilty about tearing up their family. This is why she wants to be your "friend."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Does anyone know in a "normal" divorce with kids where the wife is the one divorcing, is it normal for the wife to continue to maintain contact about the kids when she has them? Contact in the form of texts and emails that might have pics of the kids doing little things that are not things that are necessary for communication?

What is a "normal" divorce?

I send info and pics to my ex of kids' activities. He sends me the same when he has them. It is not necessary and there is no ulterior motive other than keeping the other parent involved. But we are divorced and there is no illusion of what such communication means. He also does not live in the same state. Contact with the children is very limited during the school year. Your WW may be doing it to ease her guilt. I think that scenario is more likely.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I don't send my ex anything. I figure that if she wanted pictures she'd show up and take her own.

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Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
I don't send my ex anything. I figure that if she wanted pictures she'd show up and take her own.

hurray

Awesome.

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See, that's what I was thinking. My WW is just using it to stay in contact with me or like Mel said, to make herself feel less guilty.

These waywards are so confusing!!

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All along I have had a hard time with trying to think about myself and trying to be happy by and with myself without thinking about her all the time.

I have been reluctant to do that because I felt like thinking about living without her meant that I was admitting that she was actually gone or not going to be my wife anymore. This has been very difficult for me to do. I have been consciously NOT allowing myself to get to that point of thinking.

Well, it appears that within the past couple weeks since she filed for divorce I am finding myself not being so consumed ALL the time with the thoughts of her not coming back. That is not to say that I don't still think about it quite often, I just don't seem to be consumed with those thoughts.

I am actually getting more and more to where I can laugh with friends, stay late at work and function without having to push those thoughts aside. They seem to be "fading"...so to speak.

That makes me happy in a way but it also makes me feel like I'm giving up...which I am not YET. I know the feeling of thinking that I'm giving up is being created by me, so I understand that I'm causing myself this extra pain and heartache.

I think some of you have been telling me that I've needed to get top this point WAY before now but it's not been easy for me to do. Loyalty and dedication to my "real" wife have been major barriers blocking me from doing so. I have had a hard time admitting quite a few things that y'all have gladly beat me until I admitted. I do appreciate those beatings.

It still bothers me that I am starting to think this way toward her but, it is what it is. She is NOT the woman I married and until the woman I married returns I HAVE to try to think about her as the enemy...in a way. So forgive me for this long post but I needed to write that down so I can go back and read it when I start NOT thinking this way.

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One more thought....

It appears that with each person I tell "my story" and bring into my support circle, I find that her "excuse" for doing what she's doing and filing for divorce becomes more and more lame and unbelievable.

EVERY person that I have told has said pretty much the same thing..."what? She's leaving because of what? That's not the real reason."

Now, I have not told every one of the people in my support circle about the affair. I have told them everything else though. But even the ones that know everything still say that her actions and reasoning for what she's doing does not make sense.

I say all this to say that I am beginning to see (finally, right?) that I did have some fault (who doesn't) but my faults were not the cause of all that's happening.

I actually told her that very thing this past weekend. I told her that the "load of crap" she's been feeding me about my "emotional neglect" of her being the reason why she's doing all this is just that...a load of crap. She said "so you are saying now that you didn't do anything wrong?" I told her very quickly that I was NOT saying that. I told her that I have acknowledged that I was not perfect and have changed those things, but the affair and her filing for divorce were done on her own accord and decision.

She didn't have much to say in rebuttal to any of that.

She just keeps saying "this is what I want" and "I've made my decision".

Again, please forgive me for posting these novel-length posts. Y'all are the best part of my small support circle. Thanks for listening and replying to anything you read if you feel like it.

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Just found out that she has posted a link to a song on her Facebook page with the following lyrics that basically tell on herself:

"I know I gotta put in the hours,
Make the money while the sunlight shines
But anything I gotta get done,
It can get done some other time

Time is love, gotta run,
Love to hang longer,
But I got someone who waits,
Waits for me and right now
She's where I need to be,
Time is love, gotta run

I only get so many minutes,
Don't wanna spend 'em all on the clock
In the time that we spent talkin',
How many kisses have I lost?

Time Is love, gotta run,
Love to hang longer,
But I got someone who waits,
Waits for me and right now
She's where I need to be,
Time is love, gotta run.

Gotta fly
Fly
Before one moment
Gets by...

Time Is love, gotta run,
Love to hang longer,
But I got someone who waits,
Waits for me and right now
She's where I need to be

Time is love, gotta run,
Love to hang longer,
But I got someone who waits,
Waits for me and right now
She's where I need to be,
Time is love, gotta run.

Time is Love, gotta run..."

This hurts to see and read, but it basically tells me what's going on in her head.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 05/22/12 11:15 AM.
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I dont know if she has been in contact with him or vice versa or if she's just hoping that he will be there if she divorces me. The truth about that will come out soon enough.

My question to y'all is this: what other things can I do to at least try to run him off the rest of the way or get him to show/tell her once and for all that he's not interested in her and does not want to be with her? Now, I dont mean should I ask him to help me out. I mean are there any other things that I can do to get him out of the picture?

I feel like if he's out of the picture in the sense that he tells or shows her that there is no future with him because he doesn't want to deal with all her baggage (ex-hubby, 2 kids, lawyers, court, etc), it would take that half of her fantasy away. I know he told her before that he didnt want a relationship with anyone and that he wouldnt be there waiting but I think she is so fogged up with him that what he told her did't register.

Before you drag out that 2x4 and yell "FILE...FILE...FILE...already"...know that I am compiling all the info needed to do just that when my lawyer gets back in town next week. I just didnt know if there were other things that could be done in the meantime.

My lawyer told me not to communicate with him in any form or fashion and I understand why. I wouldn't do anything to jeapordize my chances of any level of custody just to go have a man to man with him. Although I REALLY believe we could definitely come to a mutual agreement after a heart-to-heart discussion.

I'm just getting a little more anxious to think that filing may be one of the last tools in my arsenal that can help. I'm also having a very hard time with the fact that I'm watching "the woman formerly known as my wife" drop everything we have built over the past 12 total years to basically run off with another man while I can do almost nothing to influence or stop it.

I know I have MB and I'm using it the best I can, but I still wish there was more I could do. The hardest part is knowing with near 100% certainty that she WILL come out of the fog one day and realize what she has done, but that may be too late for me.

Please forgive yet another long and boring post.

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LFH, the hardest thing for anyone going through this mess is the acceptance that the only thing they truly control is their own actions and behaviors.

Waywards can be led to water....

You know the rest.

Nobody here is saying, "file, file!"

Do not talk to OM.

Calm the heck down and focus on you and your kids.

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helpthelostdads,

I didn't mean to sound upset when I made the statement about filing. I understand the fact that counter filing is my next logical step and possibly one of the last potentially influential steps that I can take.

I'm trying to stay calm but as you can see, the farther along this situation progresses the harder staying calm becomes because I can see the "potential" end getting closer and closer. I don't mean to sound pessimistic because that is not my personality, but optimism is very difficult to maintain some days.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I feel like if he's out of the picture in the sense that he tells or shows her that there is no future with him because he doesn't want to deal with all her baggage (ex-hubby, 2 kids, lawyers, court, etc), it would take that half of her fantasy away. I know he told her before that he didnt want a relationship with anyone and that he wouldnt be there waiting but I think she is so fogged up with him that what he told her did't register.

I don't believe the affair is over. They might have told YOU he ended it, but he didn't. Her behavior has ALL the earmarks of an ongoing affair. My suspicion is that they have just gone further underground for the time being.

The only other thing you could do to run him off would be to prove they are still in contact and expose it. I don't know of any other way to run him off.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is killing me. Thinking about her knowingly doing this to me and our kids when she KNOWS how it feels to be done this way because he cheated on her when they were married for that one brief MONTH!

I know y'all get tired of hearing me whine, complain, etc., and I'm sorry to subject everyone to that.

I guess we will see who's gonna be whining, complaining, etc., next week when he and her get served papers for all their records and she gets my counter claim papers!

Yes, I do go from being so angry and hurt one minute to being so completely and devastatingly heart broken the next. And I do see and understand that those times are very frustrating to my support circle.

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