That is great news!! Baby steps! Find reasons and things you can do to spend time together and show him that you care. Again, you have a long road with lots of hills. When the hills seem impossible, come to thus site and learn from both waywards and battereds how to help you help yourself.

My thought and prayers are with you BV

Continue to show him your actions that you truly are a changed WW and are a FWW.

Any luck on finding a job there closer to your BH and DD?

No not yet :-(

Applied for another one on friday so we'll see where that goes. I start doing week about from the start of june though which means only 5 nights a fortnight away from them. Slightly better than current situation.

I've been thinking though that part of accepting the consequences of my actions is sacrificing in terms of the jobs i'm looking for. I may need to make a bigger sacrifice salary wise than i initially thought.

That's one of the toughest things to cross is accepting responsiblity for our own actions. Also you will know that you're truly a FWW when you have shown that you've changed and continue to live your life the right way.

I would expand my job search to everything that can get me back to my DD.

Do you know if WH is still talking with that OW? Do you think their relationship is more?

Yes, I've already applied for a couple of administration jobs. However they are just telling me i'm over qualified and they'd rather give the position to someone who doesn't have a job already and is more suitably qualified rather than someone who just wants to relocate. GRRRRRR. It's extremely frustrating because if i wanted a new job in the city i'm currently working in - there are about a dozen suitable jobs advertised a week. Compare that to one a month in the place i'm trying to get to :-(

I don't know about OW. I'm too scared to ask. And feel that i don't have any right to after what i've done. Even though i know i have some sort of 'right' to, because legally he's still my H...

BV,


It is OK to ask him whether he is still in touch or meeting with this woman. While you are making amends yourself it is also necessary to let him know that it is not OK to have extramarital relationships his own. No matter how conflicting it may feel this is a matter of one's proper behaviour. The one that you are now trying to fix in yourself. When you have this next possibility to have dinner together or just meet him, let him know that you care about what happens to him and this marriage and having an affair himself is not OK for you. One may even call them "dating" but affairs are never ok.

I agree. You're still married to him and I would let him know that it does not give him permission to run off and have his own affair. Without committing any lovebusters of course.

"I will do whatever it takes to fight for my marriage"

Thanks you 2 :-)

I agree, It's important to let him know these things. I'm not sure if i can do that in person or not... maybe an email.

Thinking about what my next step is. Perhaps sending him the link to this thread. Or the NC letter for him to send if he wants. Will give it a few days/week though as i feel that the apology letter and him coming to tea were big steps for us and it's important to have a breather in between.

Do not wait for weeks! NC letter would be the next thing. Along with the letter send him the list of passwords to all of your accounts you are using online. Have you deleted your FB account?

Read this. Thread of Extraordinary Precautions

There are 2 categories of EPs. The first one has to be done before the second one. This is one-time list and makes sure you will not have any more opportunities to revive your affair. NC letter, providing him the access to all accounts, etc is the first category thing. This takes maybe 1-2 days, not weeks. Remember - this has to be done first! Given thread gives you examples, you also have to think very carefully what were the things that made your affair possible and plug those holes forever.

The second category is the plan for your new lifestyle. This is for life. And you cannot offer that kind of CARE when your first category has holes in it.

I'm not that sure about those "baby steps". I understand you would not want to pressure your BH, coming back to you would be his own decision to make. But he would want to SEE what he is coming back TO. Now, if you are taking weeks to complete your emergency package, I would think twice if I were him. If something that has to be done immediately would take weeks from your part, then I don't know - you may never become a safe woman to anyone.

I will help you here a bit.

I posted this to you back on 05-02-12 and I think this should be at the top of your list.

I used to be a WW and I know what dragging your feet means, my friend.

Occasionally reading this thread (though I shouldn�t).

I�m confused.

This BH has already played his Get Out of Jail Free card. He has, in the words of the adulteress herself, �categorically� moved on.

He wants to be left alone.

He is being very polite but firm about it.

Would it not be the compassionate thing for this adulteress to just leave the BH alone?

Yet this thread reads like everyone desires him to be tricked or otherwise manipulated into reconciling. Yet again!

This BH not only has the right to D he has stated his strong desire to do so. He is only forced, trapped actually, into waiting 18 months by some medieval socialistic D law. But he definitely wants out. He has stated so in no uncertain terms. This thread is giving the adulteress advice which will most likely result in no more than extending and extenuating the amount of time his heart is breaking.

He has stated what he wants. Out! The MB advice should be to leave him be. She should leave him alone. Shall I quote Dr H on the matter?

And before anyone posts that if he wanted help he would post on MB, well obviously. But he does not want to and he isn�t is he? He neither wants any help nor wants an adulterated M. He specifically doesn�t want help reconciling, and that includes MB help.

She should leave him alone.

Aphelion,

BV came here for help. No one here is teaching her how to "trick" or "manipulate" her BH back to her. I'm sorry you see this advice as manipulation. We are teaching her how to affair-proof herself. People here are trying to teach her how to become a safe wife again, so once her H decides about this marriage, he has solid proof that BV may deserve a second chance. Her H hasn't filed for divorce yet, and she is fully aware that things might end this way. I don't see her as a hopeless case.

Again - focus -

"This thread is giving the adulteress advice which will most likely result in no more than extending and extenuating (as in justifying) the amount of time his heart is breaking."

In this case there appears to be no benefit whatsoever to her BH in any sort of reconciliation other than efficient joint parenting of their daughter. Whose wellbeing in an intact family, I might add, this adulteress might have thought about even once and momentarily during her adultery.

eta: Oh, and as to "so once her H decides about this marriage..." He already has decided! He's out. Out. Already gone.

Aphelion,

He has also stated (as indicated in a previous post of mine) "I would NOT say I NEVER want to be with you again'.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Thank you so much Mrs_Recon. I don't see myself as hopeless anymore either. With God's grace I am changing every day. And no matter what the outcome, God comes first now, which for me is the actually the most important outcome from all of this.

Yep, I think/know you are right. It's stupid to wait weeks. I have a NC letter ready (see earlier in my thread) and will post it to my husband tomorrow along with a list of EPs. I will look at this thread and re-look at my EP's today.

Here is a revised list to give to my H.

1. Change cellphone number � my new number from the (date) is ***
2. Change gmail address
3. No one on one meetings/social activities with male friends
4. No discussion on marriage/separation issues with males
5. I will email you my passwords for my gmail account, work account and bank a/c. I will inform you when they change.
6. Abstinence from alcohol � start on the 1st June. ***EDIT***


I think i would include in this something like "obviously it's your decision what you do with these passwords and I realise that you probably dont want to be checking up on me, but i want to show you how much i've changed (am changing) and that I have nothing to hide"... or something like that!

I am confused, BV. Did you close your FB? Did you already change your email and all phone numbers?

No, at the moment the only precaution i have taken is having OM's email address/s and phone numbers/fb blocked. I can't change my work number but have it set to screen calls - i never just pick up the phone at work now.

I had suspended my FB a/c for a time at the start of the year. I want to do this but it's actually one of the biggest ways that my H and I keep in contact being as we now live in seperate cities. I didn't want to give up the opportunity to be able to talk to him when he's online... but i guess i need to scarifice that to show change.

I guess i'm 'dragging my heels' on changing my personal cell and email because i haven't had any contact from OM for almost a month - so i guess have a sense of safety. But, as someone else pointed out to me, he could just email/phone me from a different number. So yes, this is something i need to get onto asap.

Hello Velvet,

First time I have looked in here in a few days and I have to say I am thrilled by the steps you have taken and your attitude.

***EDIT***

I liked your NC letter - short, succinct, and honest. No wavering. Your letter and the dinner are excellent gestures - you have no control over the result as you obviously know, but I don't think you could do a helluva lot more at this point except to continue to accept advice here and continue to read.

As far as your H posting here, I would encourage at this point, but not push at all.

Right now I have to get out and water about 20 geranium, marigold and parsley plants. I'm behind on things due to retreat but catching up.

You are doing very well in my opinion!

Tom