He has been VA to the kids, mainly when they push his buttons and he's on his last nerve. We've all been there. Yelled when we would rather not yell. He feels extreme remorse the next day and then cries and apologizes.

At one point, our oldest son was having an anxiety attack because of DH's yelling (the look on his face during AO's are very scary - it is a look in his eye that just makes you want to run and hide, even though it has never been physical. I am just trying to explain how he appears during an AO.) Son was crying uncontrollably and clinging to me saying "please take me out of here, I don't feel safe". And I stayed and kept him in that environment because I felt that both boys need to understand life is tough and you have to work through it, but I still wonder if that did more damage than good that night. He still remembers that he asked me to take him elsewhere and I didn't. This is one of the things we are dealing with in his counseling sessions.

I'm a BH. One thing I really needed from my WW is for her to (1) understand what the requirements for recovery were, and (2) take action.

In other words, it sounds like you have an idea of what needs to be done, but you're asking your BH to make the decisions for you, rather than taking action. Why not take this approach - look for a new job, start the process of moving, and advise your BH accordingly.

"His response was that it's all about me again and what I want and that I am trying to run from the problem. He said maybe this website advice is wrong."

If he has been to a crapwit counselor who didn't understand why he was angry over an affair, then it is understandable why he wouldn't trust us. Wll he come here and and talk to us?

Also, if he wont stop his verbal abuse, this really is hopeless. You have to make it clear to him that abuse is a deal breaker. Don't tolerate that anymore, ok? If he wants to stay married to you, that has to stop.

Thank you for sharing from your perspective as a BH. I really appreciate that feedback.

I am downright nervous to look for a new job. This company took me back after a 7 year hiatus from here and they have always kept the door open to me because they are confident in my skills and personal work ethic. My DH did say he does not want me to look for another job. And I guess in some ways, I feel like this is "home" so to speak in the work world for me. This company has provided me with training, great pay, great benefits, etc. and they offered me assistance after D-day in the form of taking time as needed to deal with family stuff, got me out of the contract position I was in with our client so that I did not have to have contact/see OM, numbers for resources (EAP), etc. In some way, I feel I owe it to them to show them I am still a very good employee despite my actions. I do not have to travel for them and I have a work schedule that best fits my family's needs.

However, I will continue to consider the change.

Selling our home and purchasing a new one would require my DH's agreement. And currently, he is saying that he is not willing to move and that is a selfish gesture on my part.

Did you tell your WW that you needed her to take action on these things, and did she?

I will ask him to come here ML.
The psychologist he saw actually specializes in marriage counseling, affairs, and divorce. I never went to her personally so I do not have a read on her myself, but he quit after only 2 sessions with her. She encouraged him to keep coming. She did state that I went off the deep end "as many weight loss surgery patients do". I hate when people say that because a lot gets blamed on our post op mental state because many gain a self-confidence they never had previously and others that knew them as a insecure person and such have a hard time adjusting to the new self-confident person. Right or wrong, there are many changes that occur when one is MO and becomes socially size acceptable. That is unfortunate in our society. But I digress. Sorry.

So, if he has an AO and is VA, I should go to Plan B?
Do I tell him this will happen if he becomes VA again so there is no surprise?

Whether you hate it or not, having a dramatic change from being MO to socially acceptable does play a dynamic and many have gone down the road of betrayal afterwards.
Many do not, but are you saying that you losing the weight didn't play a part in why you strayed?

My FWW and I had a difficult recovery, and even now our M has some issues. There are number of things I asked her to do (I don't think she ever offered to do anything), and she chose not to do them.

If your A was with a coworker or client, then I see no other option - it's time to find another job. In my case, pur M's recovery was significantly impacted because my FWW chose to continue working (albeit for only six months) and never exposed to her boss why she was leaving (in fact, the OM ended up getting her managerial position, rather than getting fired).

I agree with Melody his Verbal abuse has to stop. If your oldest son is having panic attacks because of his father's anger this is very bad.

Read and listen and have your BH listen and he can hear for himself how awesome Dr. Harley is. Please have your BH come here so we can help.
Anger Mgmt 101

What are your BH's top EN? The Most Important Emotional Needs

Thank you for your honesty. It is helpful.

I never thought that question through until you posed it. In some ways, I suppose the weight loss did attribute to it in some way. I am minus 170 pounds, I was working out and feeling healthy, men noticed, and the OM went a step beyond noticing. He was very complimentary and it boosted my self-esteem even more. That's where I went wrong. I let that get into my head.

DH told me last night that he has a meeting with a lawyer scheduled and if he in the interim found someone better, he'd be out of here. Then asked me if I wanted to read an email exchange between him and some online female in which he had a date set up this past weekend with but claims they never actually met up. He wanted to show me the email to prove it. I did not choose to look at the email. I do not want to read flowery words between the two and feel jealousy. That is his intention I'm sure and I do not want to play that game.

He does not feel my efforts of coming here and wanting to work through this is enough. Last night he brought up the A, the contact made two weeks ago, things I said in the past, etc.

That is the part that I wonder if it ever goes away. Even if you rebuild successfully, does that question or pain ever truly go away.

Hearing him say he has a meeting scheduled with the lawyer made me crawl back into my shell and want to pack up my stuff to be honest.

He said his #1 EN right now is affection. #2 is sexual fulfillment.

Fake it 'til you make it isn't going to cut it for me. I have done that previously and it makes me feel resentment and bitterness.

How can I provide these two EN's right now under the circumstances?

Oh I thought you wanted to save your marriage AFTER your affair? I'm sorry I thought you wanted to earn your ( F)WW?

Maybe he wants to use his "get out of marriage" free card?

I guess put salt on his wounds. Didn't you just contact your OM two weeks ago? That resets his Dday clock to day 1.

Actions are what he needs to see from you. He's hurting.

So you don't want to be with him? Maybe that's why he is on the verge of having a RA?

Now who's brain hurts? Just kidding.
Okay. I'm trying to decipher what you wrote.

I feel I am physically unable to connect with him due to the EA statements he has made to me during the past 6 months. When your BS says "you have the body of a 60 year old and I'm sick of it and I'm going to find someone better", that pretty much leaves you feeling even worse than you did before. And I am trying to take those comments and toss 'em out along with all the other negative comments because he is hurting. It is difficult.

I came here to understand how I lost it and how to gain it back (meaning my M).

So, I will take action and be affectionate tonight and I will let you know how that goes tomorrow.

Have I deciphered correctly?

Your way of dealing with your hurt/pain was (is?) to become a liar/cheat/adulteress.
Your BH's way of dealing with his hurt/pain is acting out instead of crying.
Which of you holds the knowledge of the better way to deal with hurt/pain? Neither of you.
Your comment/observation about your BH's reaction sounds as if you think you have some sort of superior knowledge of how to behave. Can't you see how ridiculous you sound when you criticize BH's pain?
You "try to be understanding" reeks of a lack of empathy.
ALL waywards/infidels/adulterers have little to no empathy towards their betrayed spouses feelings. You are no exception.




Look up EMPATHY in your dictionary.
Write down the definition on a piece of paper and tape it to your bathroom mirror.
When your BH asks you what it's all about, you tell him it is all about YOUR LACK OF EMPATHY, not his. Tell him you have been faithless/heartless/cruel and neglectful of his feelings.
You tell him you are taking 100% responsibility for your lack of empathy, and you want him to tell you when you are showing him a lack of empathy, so you can change for the better.

He is guilty of DJ's and AO and he needs to change that.

But you're here and he isn't and so you need to clean up your side of the street. If you find yourself at a truly FWW and he is still being a bunghole then you may have to go to Plan B.

For now you need to change/fix you. We can only control ourselves.

Have you figured out the ways to tell him you don't like it when he says those things to you?

I bow down to Queen Pep she said it much better than me.

Crzy8s you need to take heed and listen with your listening ears to her.

It's " difficult" because YOU lack empathy.

"BH, I can understand where you are coming from. I have hurt you in the worst way possible. I find you physically attractive and I'd love to make love with you,nwhenever you want.Tell me, is there anything I can do for you today?".

Your lack of empathy is the major stumbling block in your recovery.
The very second you find yourself making judgments about how BH is dealing with his hurt/pain .... Put yourself in a 'time out' in the bathroom, and read aloud the definition of empathy. Then, go to BH and apologize for not showing him you care for him.

YOU must aggressively be the one to show empathy .... Consistently for several months.
Unless you do this, the marriage will never improve.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happily married?
Just because you think or feel a certain way does not make you correct.
Right now you are incorrect in many ways.
The most damaging way is lack of empathy which is why I am hammering you about this.
Until you change your bad habit in this regard, you are hurting your marriage/spouse/family' your very life .... I'm as serious as a heart attack.