She left 3 days ago, and I'm going down there in just a few more. It was logistics more than anything else due to our circumstances right now in the transitions. I'll be there this weekend ready to begin the online course with her.

You said this on 5/26 and today you tell me you are separated. How do you explain that you didn't bother mention you are separated?

That's all true. I guess I define separation as a split to determine the relationship. this is a split of logistics, it simply had to be and it's VERY short term 7-10 days. She's committed to the relationship now and wants me down there with her ASAP. We're making plans for the rest of the summer to be together. I am just here to finish school and finish getting the house on the market to sell. Her motivation to go was to get as far removed from the OM as possible.

Nowhere do I see any indication that your WW is enthusiastic about recovery. NOWHERE. She's being a good little girl and doing 'what is asked of her' - and that's it.

Yes, you're scared. We get that. Your fear is damaging your recovery efforts. So...how long are you planning to be scared and continue screwing up your recovery efforts?

And when do you plan to DNA test 'your' twins?

O.M.G. Are you saying that you're in the military and are leaving your family this summer?

Between this and your blind devotion to your wayward wife - I am very concerned for you. Do you not see the train wreck ahead of you???

I'll be gone for 5 weeks(worst timing ever) in August(I might be able to see her on weekend leave after week 3 or 4...I dunno). I'm hoping to be far enough into recovery to withstand it. I have no choice.

Well I talked to my wife tonight about the course and she's refusing to do it right now. She feels like we're on an individual journey right now to get right spiritually first. Then we can work on our marriage. She said that after I finish school and my exam later this summer, then we can work on the marriage course. She stated there's no time limit and that she's not going to make any decisions any time soon. She's said she's still ambivalent on what she wants and isn't sure if she can be happy in our relationship, even though prior to the 'deeper' conversation we were laughing and joking about some funny things we found on the internet. I expressed that I have a hard time separating the individual progression from the couple progression. And she said she disagreed. She had quite a few AO, and DJ throughout the conversation, and she's tired of me 'wanting' to be what I'm working towards becoming, a better student, husband and father and that only time can prove that to her.

She said she was looking at pictures today and saw some of our honeymoon and wedding and they depressed her, that she doesn't have very many 'happy' memories from that time. She feels like she's lost who she was, sacrificed herself to become who she thought I wanted her to be. And now she's lost. She wants to get back to her past and rekindle her inner self and become that person again before she's ready to move forward again.

I don't think I committed any love busters. I was very calm and understanding and tried to just listen to how she felt. I requested the course, but she asked me to drop it. She wants me to focus on the tasks at hand and quit with the studying of marriage books and internet searches. She doesn't feel like she can work on 'us' until she feels right with herself.

I'm really okay, disappointed, because I felt we'd made more progress, but in her mind progress can only be made individually right now. This was the complete opposite reaction I was expecting from her, but what gives me hope is that we were in a state of conflict and not withdrawal...right?

Wow it sounds to me like a WW who is still in contact with her OM. You aren't home and I'm sure she's still in contact with him.

She wants to work on herself because she is trying to figure out how she can be with OM and keep her BH on the hook. She's confused with herself because the OM won't leave his BW and she has kicked her BH to the curb so she is thinking "why can't you see that I'm ready to spend my life with you OM?" But she feels he's stalling and so she has to keep you on the line so she can have something if OM doesn't pan out.

Dang this is too common. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh but I want you to see the signs so you can fight for and save this marriage.

Kind of hard to save a marriage when you're not at home to fight for it and to fend of POSOM. I would contact the BW of OM and I bet she knows something more.

That, sir, is what you call one huge pile of foggy-WW horsecrap.



She can't "feel right with herself" because she was a married woman banging some other dude. All of her confusion is her trying to convince herself that somehow what she did is somehow OK - or if you wish to be empathetic, she is trying to see it being forgivable.

At their core, an adulterer KNOWS they have done wrong! Their foggy thinking is an attempt to convince themselves that they are not horrible people, and they wouldn't have been unfaithful without good reason.

THERE IS NEVER A "GOOD" REASON TO BE UNFAITHFUL!


So, why then doesn't she have any "good memories" about the marriage?

Guilt.

Her emotional association to the marriage right now is all about pain/depression/justification. She is BLINDED by her current state and mood. She can't bring up "good" memories because she is associating with her current emotional state - WHICH SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR! Good memories of the marriage would counter her current attempt at reasoning away her poor decisions, so even IF she did have good memories, she will ignore them in favor of justifying her behavior.

She's selling crap cupcakes, and you are buying, eating, and smiling.

Definitely not smiling about this. I agree she's still foggy. But I don't see how contact was possibly made right now. I have her phone and computer are on lock down, her parents(confirmed this) have never left her alone since she's been there and she's in a completely different state from the OM. I do agree guilt is affecting her judgement, but I can't change her, her feelings or her behavior. What I can do is continue to work on myself, do what I need to do, and love her the best I know how until she's ready to move forward together. What else can I do? I'm really not interested or willing to go down any plan D routes with her, but being 'roommates', just be cordial with her isn't cutting it for me either, feeling 2nd rate while she sorts out herself isn't working for me.

HH-

You are in 'analysis paralysis'.

And, I dont see a lot of remorse from this woman.

There is a certain set of steps to be followed to make you post-adultery marriage successful and happy as clearly outlined by the books and people here.

Hope has nothing to do with it. You are counting on hope to help.

You are not feeling safe in this marriage and her adultery has caused this. Now, its unfathomable that you are still feeling this way after getting caught.

Some cheaters see their world unfold in front of them and invest everything in making the marriage right upon dday. We've seen others who abandon their families in pursuit of an adulterous life. And, then, we see plenty who maintain a wishy-washy existence making their betrayed spouse miserable. You are living with the latter. Either she gets on-board with you or she doesnt.

You set the terms for your happiness.

This is why i presented the plan to her to do the course, she feels my time should be better spent on finishing school and studying to take my big last exam this summer rather than worry about 'us'. that shes trying to work towards making herself 'right' before she can consider working on 'us'. i presented my case, expressed how i felt and she wasn't willing to do it...right now. she asked me to drop it. she's harboring many ill feelings towards me from our past injustices and wrongs that I have committed in our marriage that im trying to remedy. she doesn't want me to make changes for her, but rather for God. i told her again i can't seperate the two in this instance as i feel there is a oneness in marriage that can't be ignored when battling these problems.

Well she could have a secret phone with her at her parent's house.

I knew of this lady that went to stay with her parents "to find herself" and since her parents were older they took naps. This is when she would go for "walks" or run to the store to call her OM.

I'm just saying you're not with her and she seems like she's still in contact with OM. I think she's keeping you on the side until she finds out if OM will leave his BW for her. She's keeping you on the back burner.

If she has a pay as you go phone you would never know.

If you're so sure she's NC with OM why don't you call BW of OM and see if there's been contact? If she hasn't it can't hurt.

Just got off the phone with my FIL where my W is. He was stating that my W had actually talked quite a bit about our future together and making plans and he was quite optimistic about our future if we kept working on making the proper changes in ourselves.

Not saying any of you are wrong here, but could it just be that my W is just struggling with her feelings still. It's only been 2.5 weeks since she found out the news that the OM was reconciling with his spouse. I mean I know she's still in the fog and in withdrawal from the addiction of the affair. She stated that part of her problem was that she always felt like he'd be there waiting for her, like a safety net and now that it is gone, she feels hurt and used by him. A lot of my plan thus far was to just serve her and try to fill her lovebank while she was here(what Dr. Harley calls plan A), which I did and she recognized it she expressed the changes she's seen in me and was appreciative for my patience and understanding during this time. But that she's just not able to let go of some of those feelings of the affair, and even worse let go of the problems that our marriage faced leading up to the affair?

I'm asking, because maybe this is another possibility of our situation. What she's communicating to me is that she's trying to make the changes in her life that make her the person she wants to be. She's not against me being there, but I can't get down there until early next week. And she admits that it will be better when that happens.

So I'm just confused, so many mixed messages.

Eff the OM, dude.

He's not a part of this situation. She is to tell him to drop dead and commit to your life together, unambiguously.

Anything less is unacceptible. Youre setting yourself up for continued abated misery. Life is way too short for her fence walking.

agreed now how do you do that in a non lovebusting way...thats easier said than done.

You tell her that unless she sends a no contact letter and commits to a program of recovery that this will lead to divorce. The biggest problem I see here is you, HH. Since you have absolutely no standards and are not serious about recovery, neither is she.

I already told you what to say to her so I won't say it again. Are you in frequent contact with the OM's wife?

I can safely admit my wife was completely on-board with what it takes to keep us together about 3 seconds after I broke the news to her that I found out about her infidelity. (You can read all about it on my threads.)

But, it did not stop me from laying out just what it going to take on her part to keep keeping me around as I wrestled with all the emotion and junk we all battle. I did this before I found MB, by the way. I told her I want to know everything about the relationship. No matter how ugly. I told her she is to tell him to get lost. I told her our non-existent sex life is to immediately become the stuff of legends. I told her she is to find real employment and to be a contributor to this household. And a whole bunch of other stuff. Or'se its sayonara me. No ambiguity. No hemming and hawing.

Go ahead and read my stuff and you'll see it wasnt no cakewalk for me mentally but she has been a model MB practitioner since day 1. I needed everyone on this board to smack me around every so often but without her focused attention to those top 4 or 5 things I be a single dad today.

She needs to get on board with your wants and needs and really has no say in what you want. Shes the philanderer. She needs to compensate. She needs to make you safe. She is telling you things that are unacceptible.

Did I read you are going away for a month or 2? She needs to be brought into the program before you do so.

What in the world do you mean by this?

My problem is that i can't threaten divorce, because I am simply unwilling to go through with it and right there that makes the threat empty and hollow. i also believe using divorce as a threat is manipulative and that's what got me into this mess in a lot of ways.

i guess I'm torn because i don't know how to give tough love to her, i honestly believe that will drive her away faster than it will bring us closer, but I'm open to other opinions if they're well justified and backed up with evidence to the contrary.

i guess i wrestle with this because I'm not innocent in this either. i hurt her with my admission of many years of a porn addiction that i am actively ending. so the dynamic isn't its all her fault, i don't blame myself, but i played a contributing role to the deterioration of the marriage relationship.