It is based on a number scale. Go through the questionnaire and rank the questions by numbers.

Keep repeating if you aren't sure.

At first just do it without thinking to see what you get.

It takes time to tailor ... so you will continue to repeat this process until you feel you have them tailored correctly.

Tough~

I think part of my problem is that I've felt empty for so many years, I can't even recognize what my EN's are. Not having a pity party...just trying to put it in perspective.

CR8,

My EN's have changed several times since the first time my H and I filled it out. The first time we filled it out was right after we got the book SAA. We both just quickly filled it out without really understanding the point. Now that we really understand EN's especially our own, both of us have changed our lists a few times.

It's okay to be unsure, just start to understand EN's and yourself and you will figure it out. Make sure you let your H know as you discover what you want and need out of your marriage.

If I were you, I would start by trying to identify just what exactly the OM (purposely or not) did to get you to the point of taking this tragic leap. You're all over the place right now emotionally, and understandably so, so try and keep it simple. Figure out what needs HE met that your BH didn't. That might give you a clue and a starting point, then you can build from there.

Just a thought

You don't need to re-invent the wheel here.
Dr Harley has provided a list for you.


Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Pick ONE as a priority, for now.
My guess is, you will pick affection.
Let me know what you decide as a priority.
If you can't decide because you honestly have no intimate ENs, let me know.

Question:
Do you frequently feel life has not been fair to you, but other people have had an easier life? A better life? A luckier life?

It's okay to be unsure, just start to understand EN's and yourself and you will figure it out. Make sure you let your H know as you discover what you want and need out of your marriage. [/quote]

We talked through it last night and then this morning, he took my questionnaire and read through it. And he got upset with me and told me there is nothing I like about him. I didn't even have a chance to explain any of my responses to the questionnaire. Now I just feel lost all over again.

No, actually not affection...I picked Family Commitment.

Life has absolutely been fair to me, beyond my imagination. No, I do not feel others have a better life or been given more opportunity or are luckier. Why do you ask?

I read in your signature you were a WW. The easiest way in your case to recognize your emotional needs is to recognize what needs the OM met. Those have a proven track record of causing you to fall in love. They are your emotional needs. You might be in the state of withdrawal, which would explain why you don't feel the needs right now; withdrawal means you are not open to having your needs met, and you may perceive them differently (e.g., sex drive may go down, a person whose real top needs might be sex and affection might instead identify "domestic support" and "financial support" as top needs). That will change as love bank deposits start being made.

What bothers you? What complaints do you have in your marriage? Those are your ENs.

Of course, it's all a moot point. Recognizing that reluctant spouses are often in withdrawal and will identify minor ENs as their top emotional needs, and recognizing that the four intimate emotional needs make the biggest love bank deposits, Dr. Harley's approach when he counsels couples is to tell ALL couples, regardless of what emotional needs they identify, to concentrate on meeting the four intimate emotional needs. His plan is to schedule 15 hours a week (25-30 hours if the marriage is bad) with husband and wife meeting all four intimate emotional needs.

The intimate emotional needs are:
recreational companionship
intimate conversation
affection
sexual fulfillment

Schedule 25 hours over the next seven days to do all four of those with your husband in a way you both enjoy. Repeat for a couple of weeks, and you will notice a difference.

There's no need to spend too much time on looking for insight into yourself or whatever to figure out your emotional needs. Just follow Dr. Harley's program.

You and your husband should definitely spend fifteen hours together a week with your children, then. Spend the time as quality time with your children, following the policy of joint agreement and imparting your values to your children as you enjoy life with them. i.e., teach your children thoughtfulness toward other people.

When you do this, you will notice a change. Your husband will be making love bank deposits, and you will begin to move from Withdrawal to Conflict. You will become more interested in having the four intimate emotional needs met.

However, do this AND what I suggested in my other post. In addition to your fifteen hours of family commitment time, schedule twenty-five hours of alone time with your husband in which the two of you will meet the four intimate emotional needs. Do this for a couple of weeks, while also meeting the FC need, and you will be amazed at the change in how you feel!!!!!

If this is this traumatic, you are on your way to creating an aversion to SF.

You need your husband to start meeting the other emotional needs so that you will feel more open to SF. Give him every opportunity.

You might also work through Dr. Harley's plan for eliminating a sexual aversion.

One typical problem with the first time through ENQs is that the things we write down may be worded as demands or disrespectful judgments. Steve Harley has some great rules for reading ENQs to each other (a poster here named CWMI has done a great job writing up those rules several times on the board, if you can find them) to try to avoid this, and that can help make the situation safer.

And a typical husband reaction is to feel that it would be easier if his wife just didn't feel the need she feels! i.e., I don't need to do a better job, I need better PR on the job I do. A typical man feels a strong need for admiration and anything that suggests he isn't doing as well as he could can come off wrong.

BUT

one fundamental Marriage Builders principle is that it is easier to change behavior than to change our feelings about behavior. i.e., it is easier for us to change our behavior that affects our spouse than it is for our spouse to just try to not feel that way. So it is absolutely important that complaints be heard, respectfully.

Does your husband post here on this board?

I already have an aversion. No question about that.

I will re-read his plan. The first time I read it, I'm not sure I found it to be a very clear plan. Maybe it was my fogged up brain. I will re-read.

Edited to add: I should say that his plan was all about relaxing. It seems as thought it should really be that simple. Working through the aversion, though, does not seem that simple. Continue trying, that's my motto.

Here How To Overcome Sexual Aversion

He does not post here that I am aware of. He has visited the site many times and ready articles. I have told him of the forums. He may be lurking. Not sure. Should I ask him directly?

Brain - you are so good at linking the pertinent articles/information. TYVM!

What sections of this website have you read? The Basic Concepts section explains what causes emptiness in a marriage, and what causes the opposite.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read it, cover to cover?

Absolutely. Please ask him to come here so we can help support him.

Here is an article from Dr. Harley that I believe can help you:

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

Take special note of this part:

Because I am very sneaky

what about his ENs worksheets? did he fill them in? did you discuss them? sorry if i missed that.