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I can do the conversation. I've been "pep-talking" myself all day today.

I do ok until I get "triggered". Once that happens it becomes more difficult. When I say "triggered" I mean come across something that either brings me down or angers me. I seem to be becoming more and more easily discouraged lately. I guess that's normal after such a long and non-productive battle.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 05/31/12 08:06 PM.
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What if you focused on doing just one sweet thing for her every day? One simple thing to show her you love her - a 60 second phone call where you share a joke or something the children did, something that reminded you of her, or you send her a photo or an inspiring poem - anything. Not big. Small.

Could you do one thing, and then let go and worry about yourself and your children for the rest of the day? If she gives you another opportunity to show love - like asking for help - and it works for you, great. If not, that's okay.

Picture her as a 2-year-old, or drunk off her butt, or anything that helps you realize you don't need to make sense of her. There's no sense to be made. Then just go on with your life, your day - interject one loving thing in there, and that's it. At the end of the day you can say, "What did I do to show love to my wife today?" Regardless of her behavior.

Just a thought.


Married: 22 years
Me: BW 41
Him: WH 43
Sons: 19, 17, 12
Daughter: 16
DD 8/09
EA started 8/08
PA started 7/09
Brief recovery of a few months in there.
Separated 10/10
Legal Separation 8/11
Plan B 5/17/12
Plan D 5/31/12

My Story
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Rainy,

That doesn't sound like a bad idea or too difficult to do. I may try to do that for a few days to a week and see how it goes.

Great suggestion. Thank you.

I will have to say that I'm kind of anxious (in a curious way though) to see how she is going to react when she does get my counter file.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Well, that wasn't so out of the ordinary. A couple hours after I got home and was feeding the kids she called. She needed help again with filling out her financial aid for college. That's something I've always done for her when I would do mine. Well I helped her gather all the info she needed and get everything entered....(Plan A'ing). She thanked me and I told her she was very welcome and we hung up.

That was PERFECT Plan-Aing! When she asks for help like that, you can step up to the plate and do something for her the OM can't. You look good in comparison. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I do ok until I get "triggered". Once that happens it becomes more difficult. When I say "triggered" I mean come across something that either brings me down or angers me. I seem to be becoming more and more easily discouraged lately. I guess that's normal after such a long and non-productive battle.

You need to manage yourself when you feel like that by saying: "if I give into my anger, I am making the OM look good!"

Do you usually have problems managing your anger?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Mel,

No not at all. It seems that the way she is behaving toward me and the hurt she has caused has created the anger I have toward her right now. I REALLY feel like it's ALL caused by the tremendous and overwhelming hurt.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Mel,

No not at all. It seems that the way she is behaving toward me and the hurt she has caused has created the anger I have toward her right now. I REALLY feel like it's ALL caused by the tremendous and overwhelming hurt.

ok, just keep in mind that you have full control over your anger. And now is the time to practice that control. You need to keep your emotions under control and be STRATEGIC.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What is so dang ironically funny is that part of the "issue" that led to her so-called "unhappiness" which of course led to her affair, is the fact that I have never been a very outward emotional person...according to her.

I have always lived by logical and rational thinking over emotional "thinking". Well now, it seems that I can't seem to control my emotional side and can't find my logical and rational side.

This situation is making me crazy!

Nonetheless, I can concentrate on doing better with these things. I need to get back to my pre-affair mindset where I rule my actions with logic and rational thinking.

On the other side of that though...I believe WW is letting her emotionally side COMPLETELY rule her life right now and she just absolutely will not allow her logical or rational sides to even see the light of day.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
On the other side of that though...I believe WW is letting her emotionally side COMPLETELY rule her life right now and she just absolutely will not allow her logical or rational sides to even see the light of day.

Yes, you are exactly right. That is why trying to reason with a wayward is like reasoning with a falling down drunk! It goes nowhere... crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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One more thought before bed...

This process feels so unnatural. What I mean is that I'm gonna be pleasant and nice to her by doing or saying something every opportunity I get but in the background I'm gonna be putting my lawyers to work on her and the POSOM.

I understand the general idea but it does seem a little weird to be nice and sweet to her face yet be lawyering up behind the scenes.

Anyway, just my final thought for the night. I haven't been sleeping but about 4 to 5 hours per night so I need to get to bed.

I never thought I would be going to bed with the weight of filing for divorce against this woman. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would be where I am right now with her....never in a million years.

Good night friends.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I will have to say that I'm kind of anxious (in a curious way though) to see how she is going to react when she does get my counter file.
If it were me I would be more curious and anxious about what POSOM's reaction will be. When he sees the truth crapstorm you're getting ready to lay in his lap it should get awfully interesting.

I'm betting he wasn't counting on all this.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
[quote=looking_for_help]

Yes, you are exactly right. That is why trying to reason with a wayward is like reasoning with a falling down drunk! It goes nowhere... crazy

Gosh, I've definitely learned that one the hard way!

Seems that some people (me) just won't listen to what they're being told sometimes huh?

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Tiger,

I do have to say that I am sooooooo looking forward to seeing or hearing his reaction. I think that will probably be the highlight of the past 4 months or so of my life....besides watching my 5 month old learn to sit up by herself!!

I'm also sooooo hoping that he will tell WW that "it ain't worth all this" or in any other terms would be fine as well.

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I have this eerie sort of calm or rejuvenation or empowerment or something this morning. Now, that could dissipate in an hour but right now I feel kind of weird in that I don't feel like all is lost or maybe that if all is lost, that I have some control back in my life.

Again, I know my emotions have been from one extreme to the other within a matter of hours lately so hopefully this will stay.

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Making a plan, following the plan, and seeing the results play out as expected....

If you "google" that, I think you'll find it as defining having some control back in one's life.

Whatever the end result, LFH, this is exactly what you should be doing.

As for the conflict you occasionally feel: This is where the big boys stand tallest. Plan A when she's an angel; Plan A when she's a [censored]. When she's something in-between, Plan A. You Plan A with no expectations, and no "measurements". You Plan A without consideration of fairness or equality. (The only relief to scream, vent, or rant, is here!)

Can you do that?

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Another EN that you have an advantage on is FAMILY COMMITMENT!

So -- can you include her in some family outings?
Invite her to go to the zoo as a family this weekend?
Any graduation parties to attend as a family?
Just reach out.

Did you have your 5 month old baptized yet? Maybe start planning and discussing that event? -- would really make some deposits!

You have a PLAN sir! You are depositing as many lovebank deposits as you can. And you have Plan B in your back pocket whenever it all gets to be too much. You should feel good about what is coming!

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I'm getting MUCH better with the emotional roller coaster but it hasn't subsided completely, which I know that may take quite a while if ever.

I get these "waves" of total despair, hurt and heartache that just bring me to rock bottom for a spell. Something triggers the thoughts of the void that is now in my life and I just go downhill to the point of tears within probably an hour of onset.

Are there any combative tactics that anyone can share that might help with this. I felt pretty good and more in control than I have in a while this morning. But about an hour before lunch I started "feeling" it coming on. I went to lunch and had to go to the park and eat because I was so upset I started crying again.

I know nothing is going to cure this but time and I am getting much better with these "attacks", but how did any of you deal with this besides medication (which I am contemplating)?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Are there any combative tactics that anyone can share that might help with this. I felt pretty good and more in control than I have in a while this morning. But about an hour before lunch I started "feeling" it coming on. I went to lunch and had to go to the park and eat because I was so upset I started crying again.

What helped me the most was strenuous exercise every day along with Omega 3 supplements. Anti-depressants are helpful to many people, but I got no relief from them. I got great relief from exercise and O3, though.

If this gets too tough, you really should consider going into Plan B. Plan B is a complete and total separation where you have no contact with her at all. It is hard for about 10 days to 2 weeks but after that, you will start feeling enormous relief because the trigger is removed. I suspect you might be better off going into Plan B sooner than most.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know Plan A is two-fold.

One fold is to attract her back to me and make myself look more desirable than the POSOM.

The other fold is to help me basically learn to be happy and live without her.

The second fold is giving me a whole lot more trouble than I ever thought it would. I know a person shouldn't NEED to have someone else in their life to be happy but I guess I happen to be more dependent on that companionship than the average guy. I know this may be viewed as a weakness, but I am what I am. I have always been the type of person that wants to share life with someone.

Now, my best friend could really care less if he encounters another human being in regards to companionship (life-long...not nightly...if you know what I mean) for the rest of his life. I'm just not like that.

I think this is another reason why I am having such a very tough time with this emotional roller coaster.

I'm still on track. Plan A'ing every opportunity I get and honestly looking forward to the paperwork delivery date. I am very interested in the reaction. Lawyer and I are also planning to subpoena her and the POSOM's "everything". THAT's what I can't wait for. Since I can't contact him myself, I'm gonna let the legal system do it for me.

Nothing like POSOM hunting!

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Mel,

I do have that book. I've already read it once but have been trying to read it again.

Plan B is an option but I think it will be VERY difficult for us to do with a 2yr old and a 5 month old. We are in communication almost daily with them about something. I want to hold out on that as long as I can. At least until after she gets my counter file and maybe even after we subpoena her and the POSOM.

As for the triggers....I know you know this but my triggers are not only contact with her. They range from a song to a thought about the past to a thought about the future to the thought of trying to find someone else to be with. Honestly, everything in my daily life in some way makes me think about her because she (the real she) and my kids have been what I have lived for.

She has no idea about how the changes that I have made with myself have made me more of the person she has always wanted because she has not given me a chance. She just made the executive decision to leave.

But, if she never decides to come back and do the right thing by giving her marriage and family the second chance it should have, some other lady will be the recipient of everything they have always wanted. I will make sure of that!

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