my friend. Keep us updated.

How are your daily talks with him going? When's your next visit to him?

Thanks BH,

Daily txts are fine and we've skyped with our DD a couple of times. Next visit in 3 sleeps! Just did the last of the long stretches in between being there so am really missing my baby girl!

Will keep updating

Good, have a safe trip and lots of to your DD.

I am so impressed with you, BV! Keep up the great work.

Hello BV,

Was looking at your story now and I know I caused a few of the fireworks a couple of weeks ago. But, ya know what, your willingness to handwrite a no-contact letter is a giant step forward.

You haven't posted much in the last several days so it is hard to tell where you are at and what to post to you, except just keep proceding as you are. I hope that any absence of your updates means that your steps to M recovery are going well.

Tom

I think it's because she was making a trip this weekend to see DD and BH.

Goodness me do i have an update and a half!!!

So my letter as described above got sent last week. However my H was housesitting at his sisters so hasn't received it yet.

So yesterday I had offered for H to have our D for the day/night as he was off work which is a rariety for the weekend. So i went to drop her off and ended up having lunch with him and his parents at a cafe. Which was fine/great. Then i went out for my training session and arrived back to a text from him asking if i wanted to go back around for pizza and DVD. So of course i did. We had a nice dinner and watched a kids movie with our D. Put her to bed and then put on another movie. He had brought a bottle of wine as well and started to drink that. I was starting to feel very wary about what was going on. I had 1/2 glass and he polished the bottle. As i was going to leave he said 'we should have sex', 'just for fun'. I was completely shocked and didn't know what to say. I knew he was a little bit drunk and told him i wasn't sure because of that. He said he didn't want to make a big deal out of it... just that he'd missed 'that' (not me, sex). I got quite emotional... part of me wanted it so bad (to be close to him, not sex) but part of me felt used.

Anyway long story kinda short - i ended up staying the night. No talking, just the physical intimacy. He slept in the lounge and I slept with our D in the only bed in the house! He did come in for a cuddle this morning which was nice... but no talking about what the heck had just happened. We went to church together and then lunch at my parents.

Church again tonight together but i had to leave early to get D into bed. He txtd not long after i'd left to say he didn't know whether to say thanks or sorry for last night. Wowser... I've felt like wh*re on and off for the last 10 months and that just made me feel like it again.

I txtd back saying that I really love him and enjoyed being close to him. But... that i wanted to give this EVERYTHING, and needed him to do the same. So not JUST want me for sex. I said that i knew he couldn't trust me but he could trust God and what He is doing in my life. I also said i don't want to confuse our D anymore than she already is.

He said he doesn't know what he wants at the moment.

What the heck do i make of all of this!

I don't want to be used for sex for the next 18 months and then have him file for divorce... but part of me (the part that's still low self esteem) feels that i owe it to him :-(

Well...that is a big update!

I think a lot depends on the circumstances of your previous experiences and also your PA...but this might be a big step for him, too. I know men are different, but for me, when my X had a PA, I just never felt comfortable having sex with him again. HE felt used to me. So, this may really be a big step for him to say, hey, I want to be intimate with you. And also, for men, that is a HUGE emotional need, so if you're in plan A, if you're committed to trying everything for the marriage, then why are you thinking about divorce when you have a chance to meet an EN? It's also a big part of a connection between a couple...so it seems to me anyway like you're over analyzing it and not really committing to plan A like a rock star.

Remember...feelings follow actions...and YOU are in charge of your own feelings.

It seems like you are on a bit of a high horse now to say that sex is some part of the package deal of marriage after having broken those vows yourself...if I were your BH, I'd question your willingness to be part of a marriage if what is getting in the way is your mental reserves rather than your desire. It'd be one thing if you didn't want to make love to your husband, but it's entirely another if you don't just because you're thinking about the possibility of divorce from your husband. Aren't you just using sex as a bargaining chip with your own husband?

Also...don't want to confuse DD more than she already is? Really? I mean, hopefully she doesn't know anything about your sex life, so any confusion came from you spending the night there...which you did. Having sex with your husband? How does your DD play into that?

Sorry to sound skeptical here...but it just doesn't seem like a full commitment to your actual, current marriage to not have sex when both you and your husband desire it and you're in Plan A.

Thanks fair enough JV and i understand what you are saying. I guess it just felt so weird when there was no discussion at all... no suggestion from him that he wanted to give it another go... just the sex.

I know the it's meeting his ENs by doing that so perhaps i should just carry on if he wants to - regardless of weather he says he wants me back...?

DD was confused because mummy and daddy have not spent a night in the same house for 6 months. Confused and very happy.

I think the fact that your H wanted to have SF is a fantastic development! He is reconnecting with you on a huge level. That is an important EN for him, and you met it. Embrace the joy of reconnecting on this level!

Thanks Martial Bliss. Most of me think that too... just that little niggling fear that tells me otherwise.

I think i will invite him for dinner tomorrow night.

Am here for another week and have 3 more job applications to put in. Thinks are looking up finally.

Hmmmmmm.....

As for the whole 'used for sex' thing...

Used implies a) he's tricking/manipulating you or b) he's not committed to you. Neither of which is true as he was honest about what he wanted and he is married to you. The fact he might choose to divorce in the future doesn't make him any less your husband now.

The whole concept of being used boils down to your walking on egg shells with him about the level of commitment. You feel powerless and that has the side effect of making people feel manipulated and used. So take power. You're his wife until he divorces.

The response to the 'just for fun' comment would be something like: 'Oh it will be. I've been longing to be in my husbands arms again' reiterate YOUR commitment and your rightful position as much as possible. That's the truth of the matter until actions make it otherwise. Marriage is marriage until divorce. There is no limbo. There is also no need to text him for commitment, as you already have it. Neediness is a love buster and there is no need to feel 'used' in the future if he chooses to D. You slept with him as his wife.

The other crux of the problem is that sex doesn't appear to be a high EN for you. When he wants needs like affection or RC you don't feel used, - but when its meeting a need for him, and he uses the term 'fun' you're offended because sex isn't a high need. If he referred to meeting one of your high needs as 'fun' I doubt you would have the same reaction. So he may not fully appreciate your perspective.

You're fully within your rights to say no to sex that makes you uncomfortable, but I predict if you were to seize the power of the situation, you wouldn't feel used.

If you were to say, 'I'm your wife, I'm yours whenever' rather than asking HIM to say that, you'd feel more powerful.

Even if he were to disagree, just smile and say you hope he feels differently soon, but until you see divorce papers, you feel you belong in the bed where your husband sleeps whenever he wants you there.

I think BV's H's desire for SF is an overture for recovery. Keep responding to his needs, BV. You're doing well.

I think BV's H's desire for SF is an overture for recovery.

The only "issue" here is, as usual, the treatment accorded SF as somehow "holy", "profound", and "sacrosanct", by most females.

Spin the sexes and situation around. WH invited to spend some time by dubious, tentative BW. After a pleasant evening, BW makes overtures to XWH, suggesting that to establish the beginning of a rapprochement, maybe FWH would attend to an EN she has been missing...and change the oil in her car! He does so. It would be extremely doubtful that he's going to spend as much time as already spent on this thread wondering if she was only using him to service her (vehicle's) needs, and wasn't really interested in possibly getting back together.

And just to forestall the usual, "But sex is different..." nonsense, let me point out that in comparison to sexual congress, changing a car's oil probably takes longer, requires getting in more difficult positions, and demands a more thorough clean-up!

BV, your BH wanted you. Rejoice in that, and don't look for problems. If they're there, they'll find you soon enough!

I understand why u feel the way u do BV about the SF. But let me chime in as a guy and a BH. Your BH wanting to engage in SF with you is a milestone. Yes there's the purely physical aspect of it. But as a guy after dday SF was my way of connecting with my WW. For me that didn't last long LOL bc she's gone never to return. But me trying with her was my way also of "marking my territory" so to speak. Or resuming my role as husband. Your BH tried to downplay it by saying it's "just sex" but rest assured it was more than that.

You cannot expect him to all of a sudden say "ok, all's forgiven. I love you too." right now he doesn't really trust you but is looking for ways to. And you cannot blame him for bring wary. The SF represents the 1st step to re-connecting with him. Yes I know for many women the SF is an expression of their emotional connection to their partner, whereas for men the act of SF itself is what engenders feelings of closeness. The answer for you and your BH with the SF lies somewhere in between. You are correct to be wary about just giving in to the SF bc WPG's BH would call it "just sex." But it is potentially the first step back in the road to recovery. Cuddle, hug, caress & kiss. Try it. Pull back a little and see his reaction. He may grow emotional. Cry? Bc here is his hopefully former WW re-connecting with him on a physical level. Initiating SF whereas before you did that very thing with another man not your husband.

So again agree with MB. This is a potentially HUGE step. Don't know if you've figured out your BH's most important EN's. SF is probably there but am sure O&H has to be there too. Only you can judge your BH's motives re: initiating SF. But just the fact that he's interested speaks volumes about how he is still attracted to you. For me as the months have gone by with my WW firmly wayward, I can say that the idea of engaging in SF with her does not appeal to me like it used to when I first started down this road (am almost done with D process. Maybe 2-3 months more). I used to be able to arouse myself sexually with thoughts of her, but now? Nope. Not really bc I know she has given herself over to other men (plural) several times. Sorry but the good old LB is beyond empty. It's in the deep negative, chapter 11 in the U.S.A. bankruptcy laws. As a guy, I do have standards. I know some really attractive women but SF? No. Bc there are things about these women which turns my stomach. My WW is someone like that. Gross. Not attractive.

I'm not saying your BH is now firmly back in love with you but he's at least still attracted to you. And I take it that he hasn't engaged in SF with others bc "it's been a long time" as you stated?

BV,

This action is very similar to what took place with my H and myself only a few short months ago. At first I felt the same way you did, used. You can not however look at it like that at all. He is giving you a huge part of himself by allowing you to be part of his SF and possibly one of his top ENs.

This is such a HUGE deal! Just look at where you were a month ago and where you are now. Try to let your giver take control vs. Your taker. I know it is hard and I still struggle with it. But this is such a huge step for both you and your H.
Embrace it, look at the positives in it and continue to go with it.

This is his way of letting you back in, one little step at a time. The whole being used thing really sounds silly when you think of what you allowed yourself to do to get yourself into the situation your in now. I know that sounds harsh but remember I am a wayward too and whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I .remind myself of what I did to get myself in this situation.

P.S. I now look at each SF experience with my H as the last time we may have together. Because you never know if it will be. It makes it much more intimate and wonderful for me. I truly cherish it more than I ever have before.

Thanks everyone.

You have given me a better perspective on the situation. And you are all right... again!

I do very much want to meet his EN... yes, it's possibly the lowest one on my list and the highest one on his, so it's always been a struggle, but I will do EVERYTHING i can do save this.

Thank you for you insight. Really appreciate it. As far as i know he hasn't been with anyone else. No confirmation on that but i don't believe he has. And i think part of him doesn't want to do that... maybe realises that it would be an affair... He actually said he misses SF so much but didn't want to be with anyone else.