CR8,

You have some amazing people on your forum today helping you out. I just wanted to thank Markos especially. You have posted a lot of things that hopefully helped CR8 but also helped me Thank you!!

I did read the BC section. I will re-read.
Just checked out LB and SAA from the library today. Will get lots of reading done this weekend.

I did ask him about the website and he did not respond to me. Hasn't actually talked to me for 24 hours now because he's still upset at my answers to the ENQ.

His work shift is a bit later than the normal 8 - 5 so scheduling 4 hours of UA time is a little difficult with two school agers. In trying to think of a way to achieve this, and knowing that FC is my top need, I offered that we could perhaps do 2 hours of Conversation and Recreational Activity together as a family. We could play a family game or go to the park and after an hour, we could then sit it out and talk for an hour. Then head home, put kiddos to bed, and the other 2 hours, focus on the other two needs.

If anyone has suggestions on how they work 4 hours 4 times a week into their schedule, I'd love some feedback.

He did complete it.
We discussed his responses. Realistically, he's always been super at expressing his feelings/thoughts, so the answers were pretty much what I already knew. Nothing too revealing in his responses.

I have not read your thread .. but wanted to chime in what my wife and I do to at least get the 15 hrs minimum. Hard to get 20+ i know ..

Anyhow .. my wife and I usually get about 2 hours after the kids are in bed between 8:30 and 9pm the youngest one is asleep right away and my 14yo i just send her to her room. This is of course after all their martial arts they are BOTH involved in. Then we break out the crib board .. or the new game we got Citadels (amazing game btw) and start some general topics of conversation during game play. We often chit chat while we prepare lunches for the next day in the kitchen and share the chores .. and that makes great UA time too. If we dont like to do crib or citadels that particular night we catch up on some of our favorite shows that our PVR records and make out during commercials! (the new rule is only make out during commercials .. and soon as the show starts again we have to stop. Builds great anticipation!) We are often in bed by 11pm or so. Dr. Harleys rule about UA time is after 11pm doesnt count for UA but we dismiss that becasue we are often awake til midnight after heading to bed at 11 or so and chit chat some more .. or provide affection (back rubs etc).

Weekends is where our UA time shines. SInce we both work full time we get the best quality time in the mornings on saturday and sunday. We often dont leave our room til darn near 11am lol .. we wake about 8:00 or so. Our kids are old enough to fend for themselves and dont bug us so that is a plus.

Whats that add up to aprox?

10 hours during the week .. Give or take
6-8 hours in the mornings on weekends. (we value this time the most since during the week we are pretty run down from work etc.)

There is nothing wrong with setting up a movie for the kids and sneaking away for some UA time ... just put a lock on your bedroom door so they cant barge in! and have a radio playing in there so they cant hear your affection, conversation, or sexual fulfillment.

There was a funny episode of Modern family (they are all funny actually) were the kids barge in on the parents on fathers day? i think ... and after that they got a lock (the kids got it for dad as a late fathers day present). At the end of the show ... it showed the kids cringe every time they hear the door lock to the bedroom .. lol ..

MNG

He packed a suitcase, went to work this morning, did not say goodbye to me. Sends me an email that he wants all my passwords, access to phone, and if I can give him a commitment, he will come back home. (Let me say that even though this is a MB concept, due to issues with him having my p/w's early on, there is some serious PTSD surrounding it and my IC suggested a while back that to ease the pain on both sides, we share viewing emails, texts, phone logs, etc. together to help open communication back up along with build trust. I'm guessing you feel that is a bunch of BS, but it does really help the anxiety when we go through it together...)

Why does that feel like a SD even though I know what MB says about transparency and openness? Is it because he took a suitcase with him?

People say the pain of D is worse. Tell me that's true because right now, separation from all of this feels like it might be a healthy step to take. My body hurts, my skin is all broken out, I have a headache constantly, and all the while trying to keep my mental thoughts from going south.

And no, I am not still in contact with OM so please don't even go there. That is not what this is about anymore for me. I wrote the NC letter and I meant it. NC for life!

So, what type of commitment do I give my BH at this point that will settle his fears?

he's told you what kind of commitment he needs. he needs complete transparency.


requoted for emphasis. he will probably want more, but this is his get-started point for you to commit.

And is it acceptable to ask for the same in return?

Let's make this brutally plain:

The betrayed spouse drives the recovery bus, amiga. His fidelity is not in question here. Neither is your, btw, since it's a fact yours was faulty.

How DARE you conduct healing actions as a negotiation?

And take this off your epilogue - "working on the FWW status". Your attitude belies that statement.

The electronic stuff along with social media seems to be a HUGE and I mean HUGE trigger for your BH. It all needs to go (get rid of it all)... you share an email account with him from this day forward and you close down and cancel all social media.

For the phone have him get you a new number. He is the only one who knows it and it is only given to people he feels safe. He puts the password on it and it can only be used by you to call 911 for emergencies. For all other phone calls you use your home LAN line and you have all your friends and family call his number to talk to you.

It is the only way to build trust with him. If it is causing that much anxiety then get rid of it all. In some cases phones can be set up with emergency calling only. You may have to go that route. You have a phone ... he puts a password on it ... you can only use it for emergencies. He can check it only since he is the only one that knows the password.

That is the way it has to be until your trust is built.

For the love of Pete ... get out of your "me" mode... the selfishness and arrogance is maddening. If we can feel it from media that has no feelings then I can only imagine how your BH can feel it in real life. You are either all in or divorce him and let him be free of you. The fact you say separation feels like a healthy step means you are already a quitter. Either give him 100000% or get out and let the man be to heal from this horror.

so what are they and how are you meeting them?

Would asking your BH to do "the same in return" be a love bank deposit????
Methinks notsomuch.

Remember, you are essentially working Plan A - Your goal is to ease your H's pain while you demonstrate to him what a fantastic woman/wife you can be. Trustworthy. Thoughtful. Honest. Loving. Empathetic. Appreciative.

Make huge love bank deposits. Make no love buster/love bank withdrawals. <~~~ Your current goals.

If you feel like doing something outside those 2 simple goals, you better come here to ask.

So, how are you doing?

I cannot say your feelings are "wrong". Because feelings just "are".
You must appreciate that having a feeling of any sort is normal, transitional, not permanent, and does not always relate to reality/ethics/integrity/logic/or (again for emphasis) reality.

If you seriously never again want to feel physical pleasure, then eat dry bland unsalted foods. Drink only tap water. Use rough toilet paper. Buy cheap thin bed sheets and rough nubby towels. Purchase scratchy clothing. Take only cold showers. Use unpleasant smelling soap. Never shave your legs. All of these things could bring unwanted physical pleasure.

Wait awhile. Feelings change. They do.
Feelings are not facts.

Truth is, you'd said something earlier that made me wonder if you might be thinking you were a victim of life circumstances.
Your response (above) assures me you are not.
The "victims" are difficult for me to post to, because I expect MBers to take personal responsibility.

I think you are coming around & you are looking for answers. "Victims" are looking for sympathy.

i have to admit, i've been worried about crzy8s being more concerned about what her BW needs to do to keep HER in the M, rather than what she needs to do to keep HIM!

pep, i hope your surgery isn't too awful. we have lovely hospitals here with real nurses and even tea ladies! almost better than home, because you can get "service" right away, lol. hope you feel better soon. we'll miss you!

Well put!
EGG ZAK LEE


Thanks, dear Letty. Last time, there was one afternoon with a harp player in the hallway. It's a great hospital, but it's a hospital not a Hilton.

I'm not sure what I wrote that made you believe I have all sorts of social media accounts. In fact, I closed Facebook down immediately the day he jumped on my account and updated my status with a "she will die" comment which sparked a concerned friend to call 911. Due to that, I contacted Facebook and they took my profile down. I have not re-created an account.

The only account I have is one email account for family, children's school, and scouting.

My friends call me if they need to reach me. I rarely text. I rarely make calls. And BH has always had account access to my cell phone because he is the account holder. It's not even in my name.

I gave him the p/w for my email account. All I did was come here and ask if the same should be reciprocated based on our circumstances. However, I will not come to this board and ask such questions given this response.

And no, I will NOT take working on "F"WW status out of my sig line because it is TRUE despite your accusations. TYVM! I'll figure it out on my own if I need to. Sorry I felt confusion and came here to help clear my WW thinking up. Obviously I misunderstood the purpose of this board. I'm learning to take the selfishness out of my posts and I work on this every day, even to the point my BH has noticed and given me praise for doing so. He has known me for 15 years and knows this isn't typical behavior for me...I got "sidetracked". I still believe anyone can recover from this with the proper support and guidance. I came here looking for that. Sorry it seemed otherwise to you. I'll figure it out.

I feel like I try to make deposits, but we start discussing our relationship on his queue and I end up making withdrawals. We both do in fact.

The good thing is though that we are both starting to recognize it a lot quicker and try to stop right then and there.

We are both reading SAA and I've also got the LB book going simultaneously.

Progress today was that he had the day off and I asked him if he'd come have lunch with me. He chose the restaurant and offered to pick me up. We survived. And we choose to build on that. It was a positive experience today. That's where I'm at. TY for asking, Pep!