Thank you fifeteen years. Thats very encouraging.

I'm going to start re-reading SAA again tonight. Just finished reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda J MacDonald too which is very good.

I can't particularly remember which article it is in, but an interesting observation Dr. Harley has made is that when SF becomes mutually enjoyable, a woman's desire (strength/frequency) will go UP, while a man's will go DOWN. Living it, I can testify to this.


There were some watershed moments while turning it around. I can tell you that SF is NOT easy as a BH. Obviously, if it... er.... ain't working... we can't really fake it. Let me tell you, betrayal does wonders for longevity that baseball stats could never accomplish. But it isn't in a pleasant manner.


The truth is that despite all the social mythology on men and sex, we DO require vulnerability to even participate, it's simply physiological. It's also why early in recovery a session of SF can often be followed by some tough times. You are both literally and emotionally "laid bare."


And remember, when you are having SF, you aren't just meeting an EN, you are meeting an intimate EN. One of the core goals of the program.

You are not just "giving yourself to him," but you are also accepting him into you.

Repeat that to yourself;


"I am accepting him into myself."

agree w/ both 15y and HHH. he has held out for his wife. that's awesome. that says volumes about your husband. i have a good feeling about your situation BV. there is hope. this is a first step. Your BH is reaching out to you in one of the important ways a husband can to his wife. dont think of it as anything but that. he is not some random guy you met in a bar. he is the father of your daughter. he is the man you love. i'm envious in every way bc i am at the opposite end w/ my WW. this is your chance to reconnect. i root for you and all other aspiring FWW's bc i wish my WW couldve been the same and will never be. she does not have your strength, fortitude and sense of remorse.

i especially like HHH's: "I am accepting him into myself." wow. that epitomizes the intimacy you have an opportunity to share with your husband. he will be feeling especially vulnerable afterwards as well. he will be asking himself how does he compare to OM. that cannot be helped. your W, your suppposed life partner cheating on you with someone else opens up a whole can of worms. it engenders the ultimate insecurity that one can experience as a man. you really do ask yourself, am i good enough? was he better than me? it is a huge blow to one's ego. your mojo is in question. he will be doubting himself and doubting you. be ready. do not be suprised by him either getting quite emotional or even angry. do not react. just be present. hold him in your arms. and do not be afraid to show your emotions either. this is where your love for your husband will need to shine thru. once the SF is complete it will hit you. you WILL find yourself welling up with emotion as well BV. this "re-connection" with him is what you have been working towards all along. good luck BV.

Cheers, SMM

And yes, I did get emotional... it only took the first hug! I really had to hold back so it wouldn't take over the moment/s.

I know he may go through a period of questioning and reluctance now. Have invited him for dinner tonight but he's not committed yet.

But i'm feeling very positive and praising God for what he is doing.

Two points, BV, from my perspective:

1. In Plan A, you must control your expectations. I struggled with this - still do, to be honest. You fill your BH's ENs without any expectation in return. It's easy to say that you don't have expectations, but difficult to practice. Simplest way for me to put it is...just...don't get your hopes up (HHH would tell me not to "Tommy Boy" my biscuit ). SF is not necessarily any kind of magic bullet (for my H, at least, SF was not a way back "in", it was just...sex)...but it *IS* an opportunity for you to meet your BH's needs and make deposits in his LB$, if he is willing to accept them.

2. That said, be honest with your BH. If the SF continues, and you consistently are feeling used, be honest with him about your feelings. Dr. H said on my thread that SF should be mutually enjoyable - it should not be withdrawing love units.

I make both of these points because they were extremely difficult for me to put into practice during my attempts at Plan A-ing my BH. I struggled particularly with being honest about having SF with H, b/c I was trying to maximize the opportunity to make any deposits in his LB$ (particularly by meeting the only intimate EN he allowed me to meet).

I can't speak from a place of success, b/c my Plan A efforts had little effect, but I can at least point to where I was weakest and where I could have done better.

Another poster here (DNM) gave me the analogy of chucking buckets of sand into a lake. You're on one side of the lake, your BH is on the other. Eventually, you'll have chucked enough sand to where it'll have reached the surface...eventually enough to create an island...eventually, enough to build a bridge to each other (which will happen quicker if he responds and begins chucking buckets of sand into YOUR LB$ lake!). Each time you meet a need, you're chucking a bit of sand into that lake. Think of lovebusters as the erosion of your island/bridge - so along with getting that sand out there, you've got to protect what builds up. The more of your BH's ENs you identify and try to meet, the more sand that gets into the lake.

WPG, I don't always comment on your posts, but I do read them. I just wanted to jump in here to thank you for your commitment in encouraging and helping WW's, and your posts in general. Keep up the good work Sorry for the t/j, BV.

Ok so i know he (finally) got my last letter yesterday. Included the NC letter to OM, list of EP's and all my passwords. NERVOUS nelly right now.

I'm a bit nervous that bringing it all up after the SF on the weekend might be kinda a turn off.

Wrong mindset......
Ok so i know he (finally) got my last letter yesterday

Right mindset......
Ok so i know he got my most recent letter yesterday, and I'm today mailing him another telling him how glorious was the opportunity to spend time as a family, and alone with him, this weekend.

A top saleswoman keeps selling the offer until the deal is closed, BV.

Thanks NG.

Have invited him for dinner again saturday night. I did let him know how wonderful it was... but can see how important it will be to keep doing this. There's no room for complacency here!

Nice, NG.

I'm trying to find the radio clip where Dr. Harley said this very thing.

"Need to be a good salesman"

oooh that'd be interesting.

I'm trying to understand how the WS does the 'plan A' thing. All the explanations on here seem to be from the persepective of the BS doing the plan.

Besides from the SF on sat night i still feel like i'm doing this on my own...

Objection!


Your marriage may not have succeeded in recovering... but YOU, sister, are a one-in-a-million success story.

I ain't gonna take this from you!

You get it, and your BH chose not to recover.

That was his choice.

BV,


This is the illustration of going "Tommy Boy" on your marriage;




The idea is that you let your expectations go overboard, and explode... setting back your efforts.


Patience is key when dealing with we betrayed. We can't buy into your enthusiasm, and are protective from believing/trusting/loving the WS.

Slow, steady, and patient.

OK?

Ok, thanks.

Crazy clip!!!

Hmmm. Its not Plan A, because Plan A is deceptive (waywards cant be trusted with true time scales and snooping methods etc) and it designed for doer to ignore the wayward spouse a lot (they're crazy) and also inflict 'stick' alongside the carrot (exposure, standing up for onesself)

Basically what a repentant wayward does is not a true Plan A, but uses the carrot of Plan A, removes the stick (unless an RA is on the cards). Obviously they also have to be radically honest, so no deception as in Plan A.

While a BS in Plan A can insist on the WS 'doing the right thing' and insisting on efforts to try to save the marriage (or else theyre gone), the WS has to be a lot more freeing, and zen, leaving the choice entirely to the BS and appreciating their pain is a barrier. They also promise not to go anywhere even when it gets tough - to demonstrate sincerity

It's not for the faint hearted. But as DR H says - wild horses wont drag away a truly repentant wayward.

Thanks IndieGirl

I'll read back through the carrot of Plan A.

I don't think a RA is happening... but i can't rule it out because of this contact with certian other single women.

There's one thing i haven't done yet - the only thing - delete my FB a/c... and it's my way of keeping tabs on what might be happening between him and this/these OW. Just yesteterday he 'friended' a new W... don't know her, can't see how he knows her... and it's driving me crazy. But that coupled with his saying two months ago that he was ready to date makes me very nervous.

I know what you guys will say - delete the a/c. But he now has my password for it so can access whenever he wants. I have also listed as one of my EP's that if we were to reconcile i'd have a joint FB a/c. In fact, i would now insist on it. Even though i shouldn't be the one calling the shots ... i just think that's the only way to go. Bl**dy internet is just too dangerous.

Here you go. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Thanks.

i need to brush up on love busters this weekend i think.

Do you have the book?

Which ones are you guilty of, so we may help you?

hi bv. i see we're in the same country, and that you had a question about the post-nup. you can't get one here. well, you can get a lawyer to *write* one (maybe), but it will not mean anything at all in court. the law here does not accept them, because it's no-fault, 50/50 regardless of circumstances/intent/agreement. i got this straight from the horse's mouth (my own lawyer, whom i trust).

i wish you good luck with your BH.