Hi (optimism),

The biggest problem that spouses have in blended families is conflicts over how to treat the children. The POJA should be followed, but there are situations where one spouse will feel that something should be done with the other spouse�s child or with their own child, and when an agreement is not reached they make a unilateral decision. I would suggest that you create various situations, some that you�ve already witnessed and others that you might have in the future, and discuss remedies that you can agree on enthusiastically. How old are your children, and how often do you have custody of them?

Dr. Harley

From: opt
Date: Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:23:51 -0500
To: <mbradio@marriagebuilders.com>
Subject: We Love Your Show!!!

Dear Joyce and Dr. Harley,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year. We are very interested in MB concepts and have both read several books including LoveBusters, His Needs Her Needs, and Falling in Love Staying in Love.

I just ordered "I Promise You" and "HNHN for Parents," because I understand there is a chapter in there about blending families.

We are both divorced. Her husband was an alcoholic and mine was cheating. I also have infidelity in my past and Marriage Builders has become a way of life for me in recovering from all that and raising my kids -sans- LB's like AO's, Dishonesty, and DJ's (thanks Lovebusters for teaching me the destructiveness of these habits to people around me).

I was so happy when (NatureGirl), my GF, expressed an interest in Marriage Builders. She has become a huge fan and we talk about the concepts all the time. We both listen to the show on our phones during the day then talk about various subjects in the evenings we're together. She's incredible and I adore her. She's attractive, sensitive and sweet and very considerate. I kept thinking it was too good to be true, but even a year later I'm more in love with her every day and we grow closer with each conversation.


We are confused sometimes at which concepts we should apply to our dating life, in anticipation of becoming engaged and possibly marrying in the next year or so. Obviously, the idea of not having overnights alone is not possible and we will not live together. We use POJA a lot, but there are also times with my kids when I feel I need to make them the priority (since we're not married yet and the divorce is still relatively new to them - 16 months).

Her kids are 22 and 20; part of the picture, but often doing their own thing.

Also, we are wondering about UA and RC. We tend to spend a lot of time together every week. However, we are both busy with various pursuits that many would not consider "recreational." We wind up doing things around the house (like fixing the oven), laundry, and grocery shopping. Part of the problem is that we are pretty busy with our jobs and when I have my kids, it's not really UA. So the question is really how adherent we should be about applying these concepts to our dating life.

We are interested in doing some workbook activities. Which questionnaires or other material would you suggest at this stage in our relationship?

~opt

I bet you rose a LOT in the eyes of NG's dad by asking his permission. It's going to be a great thing in his golden years to have some young man ask something like that.

And yes...42 is young.

Opt,

Love hearing the awesome update. Have you ever thought about Plan B your XWW? To have an IM and so you don't have to communicate at all? I'm sure NG would appreciate it tons.

How are things with her EX?

I'm sure you've heard Dr. Harley on blended families? I've learned so much on blended families and it's made our blended family so much better.

Brainy, I have though many times about Plan B but never pulled the trigger on it.

The big change in the last month or so is that I now sit and wait in the car for the kids to come out when I pick them up. It used to be I'd go in and be casual -- if exww was there it would be short small talk and if she wasn't around it was all well and good. Now, in response to NG's request I don't go in at all. And it's been really good. I can feel a certain pressure lifting because of the decrease in encounters; can't explain it at all because I never thought that there was any consistent discomfort.

Now it's been so long since the separation. Also, I'm so intent on not having ANY personal conversations (or sharing anything personal) that I'm not sure what I would say in a Plan B letter.

I am also not sure I could do a full-out Plan B with an intermediary. I honestly think it could affect my relationship with my kids and the ease with which exchages are happening. Having to shield my eyes in case exww happens to be walking the dog when I drop off the kids is really not the extreme I want to go to. Sometimes the kids forget their phones or the cahrge goes out so they wind up calling me on exww's phone. If I call back, sometimes she answers. Avoiding all that with a true Plan B would be, in my estimation, simply inconvenient.

My kids are aware that we are not friends, that there is no relationship there, and that we are simply parents of the same kids. Things are pretty low-key right now and I feel like I'm on the right track.

HOWEVER, I still would like to continue to limit my interactions with exww. Would you suggest a Plan B letter for that? And what would be the general content if I didn't want to get into anything personal? All I can think of is "Dear exww, seeing you and interacting with you brings up too much of the pain of the past and ...." See-- I'm already into the emotional aspect of this thing.
Do you see my conundrum? Can you offer any guidance?

opt

To your questions Brain, She has all but cut off communication with her ex. He still tries to get in contact with the kids, but she understands it has nothing to do with her anymore; they are big enough to deal with him themselves.
Also, yes I have spent much time analysing Dr. Harley's teachings on Blended Families. So has NG, and it's why I feel we're trying to be attentive to the MB principles[ we know the odds are not in our favor without strong tools.

Opt,

Great to hear an update from you and congratulations!

You and I continue to live parallel lives. Things are going very well on my end with Preacher Girl and we have been ring shopping!
Now I just have to make the purchase and come up with a romantic way of presenting it to her. This should all happen in then next few weeks...Stay tuned.

Congrats schtoop

On Sunday I popped the question. During a bike ride we were sitting on a rocky hill overlooking the ocean. The view was from where she grew up and I could see the town in which I now live (and the kids were there). Everything seemed right, so out came the ring.

I'm looking to enjoy the next phase of our relationship for a few months (at least 6, as we've discussed). So far it's been great. Everyone is so happy for us and some have even said they knew we would be married the first time they ever saw us together. I don't know if it's just the newness of it, but there is something different when I look at NG and see the person who has promised to spend the rest of her life with me. It's quite special. I can only imagine how it will be to have the actual marriage.


opt

@BH and anyone new to this thread:
You folks really have no idea how uncanny Schtoop's and my stories have run along side one-another. Just about every milesone (good, bad, or ugly) he and I experienced since the beginning when we discovered our wives were cheating have been within a few weeks of each other. No planning or anything, just pure coincidence; it's bizarre. For the last 3 years we could have written a lot of each other's posts, and we've never even met.
opt

Dear Dr. Harley and Joyce,
I am engaged to a lovely woman. We have dated about 18 months. She has two older kids (20, and 22) and I have 2 younger (10 and 16). My marriage ended due to my ex's infidelity (in spite of my best MB attempts to save the mariage) and the divorce was final 21 months ago. Hers ended 10 years ago and she has raised her kids alone and without child support from an alcoholic ex.

We understand the barriers and the negative statistics on blended families and second marriages. Fortunately for me she has enthusiastically embraced MB concepts - I have been a strong student for several years now since discovering MB.com in 2009. We adhere as best we can to POJA, and strive to get 15-20 hours of UA each week in spite of busy schedules, my custody arrangement (50%), and her aging parents who she assists at times.

I'm reading Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, and read that some concepts are not for dating /engagement relationships - for instance the "buyer's" mentality which my fiance definitely has at this stage and from early on. Sometimes I wonder if we are trying too hard to adhere stictly to MB concepts at this stage in our relationship. For instance I have abandoned my love of playing pool because it's not something we both enjoy (I don't mind at all, we also have many things we do together that we enjoy- gardening, bike riding). My fiance has not done any kayaking since I met her and I know she loved it.

Are there any negative ramifications to doing MB too fervently too early in a relationship, or prior to marriage? Is there a strain level which is setting us up for problems once we get married and start living together.
(optimsm)

Oh, Brainy...I forgot to thank you for the links. They were very helpful.
I have a feeling he's just going to emphasize POJA, but who knows, maybe other things will come up in the course of discussion.

opt