Rooting for you!!

You're very welcome. It's my pleasure.

When he calls tonight be very pleasant and upbeat.

Rooting for you.

Thanks.

I have a major fear that he will be wanting to talk to let me know that he's decided not to pursue reconcillation. But then i wonder why would he agree to going to the movies? Argghhhh my brain is going crazy. I guess i'll know in a few hours.

Ok so i'm no closer to a definitive answer about reconciliation. But i guess thats just the way it has to be for now.

We actually just spoke on the phone for over an hour which is the longest time we've talked for ages. Reminds me of long phone talks before we got married which is kinda nice.

But... he was talking about getting his own place before he makes any decisions. And doing that is still a couple of months away. I knew he wasn't just gonna want to move back in together straight away but part of me hoped he would. I'm petrified of us spending any more time apart because i think it might do more damage - more girls seeing him as single means more vultures...?

Aghhh i'm so frustrated...

What does Dr. Harley say about seperation?

Has anyone on here experienced living seperatley for 6+ months but still managed to recover?

Did you ask him about moving back in?

Dr. Harley says it's a risky chance but must happen if they will not stop affair and/or abuse.

Your situation is different because your BS wants the separation.

We do have some success stories of reconciliation after longer separations even one couple who remarried after their divorce (johnstwin). Mortarman is a poster whom were separated and now recovered.

Did you ever end up writing the Harleys?

I didn't ask him. He was talking about applying for another home loan and said he'd quite like to live by himself for awhile because he's never done that (straight from home to marriage).

I guess it's just frustrating for me cause if he's thinking that he probably does want to get back together but still wants 'space'... well i just don't understand why we can't get on and recover together.

Yes, i did write to them quite awhile ago. Never got a response though... But i figure they are really busy and can't respond to everyone that sends them an email.

Email them again. They have very high spam filters. Notify the mods and they will pass it on.

Make sure you put something in the subject line.

How would you say he responded last time when you admitted to feeling jealous? I think it makes most people feel attractive and desired.

It might be worth trying that again. Say you dont want to rush him but you're afraid living apart will make other women think he is available. You could ask him how he lets women know that he isnt dateable. Not having 'single' on his FB page, but rather keeping it blank, is one thing he is doing. It all has to be respectfully phrased of course. He can choose to respond to your feelings, or not.



BV, even though I know recovery goes more rapidly and more smoothly when living together, I would probably do the same thing your BH is doing.

My WH could show up and do every remorseful action MB requires, and I would still be wary for quite a while. I would want to watch, wait and judge.

Everything might seem good - but everything seemed good before the affair. Then the rug is jolted out from under your feet.

Your recollection of the affair is very different to his. To you it was a gradual slide. To him it was a jolt from good to bad. A jolt he is always waiting for, even when things are good. He will hold you at arms length for a while to see how you do.

Your job is to fill is his lovebank enough so he overcomes those reservations. Also to minimise them by dispalyng safety. Show him there is no ice on the road for him to skid on this time. The road will stay where it's supposed to be, the tyres wont skid and he doesnt need to fear another crash.

As you know, the lovebank is dependant on time. Be patient.

Hi BV,

My instinct as a BH is telling me a few things:

1. On one level your H is testing you? As in "let's see how she takes the news that I want to step out on my own."

2. He is also throwing the idea of being on his own as a way of getting back at you? Here you are a repentant wayward, who he rightfully cannot bring himself to trust quite yet (remember you were once "in love" with another man that wasn't your H), now remorseful and looking to start anew. Your H in his way is angry at you and is possibly subconsciously rooting around for a way to get back at you. What better way than to say "I want to be on my own. Take that." It's a way of sending the message that he potentially "rejects" you (which i do not believe he does actually, bc i really think he is confused. on a level he loves you still else he would not be spending time with you quite simply).

3. Your H may also genuinely be curious about striking out on his own bc he did indeed go from his parents house to you, and is asking himself if that wasn't a mistake? Because look at how things turned out. I married this woman bc i loved her, we had a child together and then look at what happened. Maybe he is thinking that marrying you was a mistake on a level? I'm not saying that that's what I think bc I would trade places in a nanosecond to have a repentant WW like you BV. Really. So perhaps having his own place will allow him the chance to achieve some peace or trial out doing things on his own bc he didn't have that chance before.

4. Your H is trying to insulate and protect himself from further hurt. What better way to do that then to get his own place without you completely in the picture? He has been gravely wounded. Trust me. It is the ultimate blow to a man's mojo (i.e., ego). Your wife fell in love with someone else, had sexual relations with that person and was prepared to throw me and our family away for what? NOW she's changed her mind? Really? "It must be a mirage of some sort. It's just not believable. Why did this happen to me? Am I missing something? Was i meant to be on my own and that is why this happened?"

Underlying all of this with him telling you what he has is his indecision. Honestly your H is not sure what he wants quite frankly. He is rooting around. He is vacillating betw wanting you back and not wanting to be hurt. Bringing you closer and keeping the distance. Getting his own place is symbolic of him trying to protect himself. Why chance that you will not do this to him again. What is that expression? Once bitten, twice shy. Or the first time something happens, shame on you. The second time it happens shame on me. And i entirely agree with indiegirl who basically says what i just did.



And her prescription is dead on! Just bc your H is saying that he might or probably wants his own place does not make it a fait accompli. It hasn't happened yet. You absolutely need to stay engaged in this, realize (another cliche coming) that it is a marathon and not a sprint. Your BH has to realize that he WILL be safe. That you will protect him this time around. He is feeling verrryyy vulnerable. Cant say i blame him. Yet i know that you are in this for the long haul. hang in there! I believe you can do this!!

And I generally do not post too much on other threads unless i feel something reasonating for me. I am no vet able to wield MB advice with aplomb or ease. what i do pride myself on is being able to empathize or "feel" what someone else is going thru. I feel for your H but I also feel for you. A part of me used to feel such anger towards WW now seeking to make amends, bc i would ask "what makes them want to do that? how dare they consider it?" but that was a very selfish part of my brain speaking then. and maybe my jealousy was shining through? as in why couldnt my WW do that? now i have come to realize that your very change of heart is nothing short of miraculous. you have been touched by God in a way. it is something to be cherished, respected and not belittled. Nurtured and encouraged as well. i am rooting for you many times over BV. Be strong!!

SaveMM... thanks so much. It means heaps to have someone believe in me, particulary a BH.

I have woken this morning feeling that i just have to be patient and trust in God in this... trust in His timing. God should be in the driving seat here and i need to allow Him to do the work that needs to be done in both of us so that our marriage doesn't just survive this but OVERCOMES it.

I had major anxiety dreams about my H last night... dreaming that he called me from another city telling me he'd moved there and he was drunk or high!! Crazy stuff.

Anyways, thanks BH, IndieG and SaveMM for your input.

H is picking me up from the airport when I fly in later today and we are going to his parents (where he is still living) for tea and then to the movies!

Excellent opportunity to make deposits in his lovebank.
Keep at it and enjoy the opportunity he has given you.

You're doing fine and you know the drill. Have a good time with your DH and DD.

...i just have to be patient and trust in God in this...

Well, yeah, but it was Bonaparte who pointed out that:

"In war, God favors those countries with the largest armies."

You will be (are?) with BH in person. Work the principles hard. Work the program. Flatter his Mom's cooking; compliment his Dad on the weight he lost. Convince BH that you, Black Violet, are the best possible partner for his future. Do not be too proud to point out the life-long benefit to his daughter of having the bio-parents raise her as a team.

Sell, sell, sell, kiddo. Good luck!

To add here is a radio clip of Dr. Harley explaining how we have to be like a good salesman.
Radio clip on be like a salesperson

Quick update.

Movie date was great! And i ended up staying the night again :-) Feeling very positive. Just a shame he's on crappy shifts while i'm here this time!

Good job. Sounds like you made some more deposits. Slow and steady.

Good job BV! I am happy for you!

Just a shame he's on crappy shifts while i'm here this time!

So you spent some time without him, with your daughter and in-laws? Seems like a great opportunity to display the new BV to all concerned, all having serious influence on FBH.

Wish him a Happy Father's Day.

DITTO !

Thanks NG,

You guys must have a different fathers day date in the US, ours is in September.

Yes, have spend alot of time with his family over last few days. It's been really great. And yea, they are an important tool in our rebuilding.

He came and stayed last night after his shift finished at 1am.

I haven't had a reply to my email which let him know that although i'll respect his wishes to get his own place i'm scared it will push us further apart..

Hope to have lots mroe time together this week.