Shorten it up. Strengthen it up. Take out your personal stuff. The letter is a demand for him to cease and desist; don't put in anything in there about your relationship other than the fact that you love your wife. Don't ask him; tell him.

I read through the messages you had sent to my wife on Facebook. I have done things I am not proud of and she has been hurt because of that. I am committed to working on myself to be a better husband to her. I am committed to my marriage and my family. My wife is still married and the conversations you two have had are not appropriate under any circumstances. I am asking you to not talk with her while we go through this difficult time in our lives. I love my wife, and I intend to be the man in her life, because I intend to be better for her than anyone else ever could be. Therefore, I insist that you not talk with her or have contact with her again in any way.

I Agree 100% with markos
Opt
And dont ask permission. This is one area where dr h recommends IB is okay

Phoenix, I believe you do need to try to break up your wife's affair. The best way to do that is to cause trouble in it. Let this guy know that you don't want him around your wife. Most waywards are cowards, so if you make things unpleasant for him, he will probably run the other way.

While all that is going on, you still need to be doing the best job you can to win your wife by acting and being attractive, i.e., meeting the emotional needs Dr. Harley talks about, never having any of the Love Busters Dr. Harley talks about, etc.

You will find a thread on this site about Plan A describing it as "the carrot, and the stick." I think you have a good chance of winning your wife back with Plan A, if you do a SUPER job on the carrot, while still wielding the stick. You may have indeed made a mess of things in the past with behavior your wife hated, but like MANY, MANY husbands on this site, you have now seen the light and have here in Marriage Builders the information you need to build a marriage better than ever before, exactly how it was supposed to be from the beginning. You can't demand that your wife give you a chance to do that, but you CAN work to disrupt and end her affair, which is the main thing right now keeping her "fogged out" like a drug addict and uninterested in your marriage.

I agree with markos and opt. You need to send a message to OM.

Here's what Dr. Harley has to say about it.
"I encourage BHs to confront OM" by Dr. Harley

Also this Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Pheonix I wanted to point something out yesterday and didn't get to it. Melody once said something to the effect that she tried to do marriage without a plan and it didn't work, that's why she came here.

I think that's true for all of us to some extent. We don't know how to do marriage. We need a plan. Since we are all striving to have the best, most satisfying, and most rewarding marriages, we have sought out some instruction. Fortunately, Dr. Harley has devised a plan that has proven to work to help couples remain "in love" -- which is nothing more than a way to induce certain chemicals in the brain, but it's oh so good when it's done right. :-)

Anyway, how was the photo shoot? I was going to advise you not to show up for fear of punching the guy's lights out, but I couldn't get to that either. Hope all's well.

opt

I talked to my wife on Friday telling her I wanted her to cancel her photoshoot. She told me that her business was too important and she couldn�t cancel because she had to protect herself and her business. I had told her Dad that she was talking to OM�back on Monday. He stopped by today to tell my W that she need to stay and work on things. He brought up the fact that she was getting advice from another guy on Facebook. She didn�t say anything but yelled at me after he left. The fact that I bring up her crap to other people and if she wants her crap brought up she should be the one to do it and I am in no place to do it. She yelled at me again for the last time I called her best friend to tell her about my W�s EA back in the winter and how I ruined some of her friendships and then told me how she couldn�t see our marriage working because I always bring up her crap to other people. It really really frustrated me. She tells me that I talk to people when I get emotionally stressed out and it�s not the right thing to do and I shouldn�t be spreading her crap trying to make her out to be the bad guy and if she did things out of emotional breakdown she probably would have had a PA with the first guy and the second guy.

I didn't see any messages after the photoshoot I honestly think this has been killed off. I'll keep watcing the situation. Hopefully now I can focus on deposits as opposed to having to blow stuff up on the EA front.

So I just got rid of my FB account. Need to stop in the cell phone store this week so I can downgrade away from a smart phone and just have a phone that calls...not sure if there is a way to put a protection on it so I can't text anyone or just her or her and a select # of friends.

Good job and telling your FIL. Commend him for saying something to her. Of course she's angry because, as you know, wayward do not want the light on them.

Here.
Ecellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

Listened to the clip...exactly pertains to me.

My wife drops hints at things she wants me to do without. For example last week she told me I should get rid of facebook. I should have done it then. Her dad told me I should get rid of my cell phone and texting. I am fine doing that except my wife loves to text and call me nonstop when things are going well and we have 800 activities going on (slight exageration)..and we have to be able to talk so we know who will meet who where and when. She also doesn't want to have to "spy" or babysit me...so going over my cell phone records doesn't help.

I am thinking that a flip phone might be the best route.

Here is what my wife says her biggest issues are. Its much easier when I am home from the stand point financially and we can get kids to and from much easier. Its really hard on her emotionally and pyschologically because of the hurt I have caused her. In addition she doesn't ever see anyway she could have a physical relationship with me especially because of my sexual issues. She also said she hasn't been attracted to me in a long time. The attraction thing is a really really hard. I go to the gym about 4 days a week and am in great shape. I dress pretty well. I am a shorter and athletic built guy but she is attracted to guys that are like 6 feet dark hair, not really skinny but just kinda "thicker" in build. She keeps telling me that the only reason she chose me was because I was supposed to be the "Safe" guy. I most definatly need to work on my confidence as well. I was a very confident guy until the last few years when our marriage fell apart and alot of junk appeared in it.

She told me she wanted to have a baby again...but the thought of having sex with me to make a baby repulsed her.

She wants to sell the house because it has too many bad memories

She can't stand wearing her wedding rings because they make her sad.

She doesn't want to make the time to go out on dates because she has other priorities. I am actually scared though to push her into going out. Heck I'm scared to ask her out on a date in fear it will push her away. I've always wanted her to drive the relationship because I didn't know how...and I havn't stuck up for myself or my feelings enabling her to walk all over me. (Passive aggressive and selfish which Dr. H talked about)

I could really use some thoughts on the physical intimacy side...I know its way down the road but is it common that a BW feels that way and loses attraction to the WH? Or is this a deep issue that can't come back? What can I do to help her in that process? (This is all contingent if she wants to try and make things work...but I realize if I do nothing then she won't want it to work) Ran to Starbucks on Fathers day to get her some coffee. She didn't get me anything for Father's day and I feel like a horrible dad today because of what my kids are going through.

I am pretty sure my wife is in withdrwal mode. She sent me a "I do NOT love you" email on Friday and has not wanted me to meet any of her emotional needs.

Keep a cellphone with records that she can go through any time she wishes. Don't tell her that, just keep it so it's available when she wants it. Let her decide if and when she wants to check up on you, but make it easy.

Phoenix, at this point I think it would be good to try to sell your wife on the Marriage Builders plan for recovery.

Now this is just a first approach, so if she rejects it or isn't interested, don't despair and fall to pieces, okay? If you get emotional, you will get irrational and make a bunch of Love Bank withdrawals, which will only make this harder.

I'm going to describe how to approach her about the Marriage Builders plan for recovery. At this point in time, don't mention the forum to her, because we still want to be able to talk privately to you about her EA until we are sure it is gone, and you need us as a resource to help you. But you want to get her interested in the materials on the main website.

Let her know that you have found a plan from a clinical psychologist who knows how to restore love in a marriage. Let her know that the psychologist says you need to address all of the complaints that she has had in marriage, and that you recognize you've done a lot of things that have disappointed her, and that this plan will require you to fix those things and to stop disappointing her. Then ask her to read through the Basic Concepts:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

She may read through this and decide that this stuff is great, and realize that the two of you can recover!

Also here is Dr. Harley's article on overcoming sexual aversion:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html

It is totally rational at this point that she would be averse to having sex with you. This can be overcome. But it requires fixing your marriage. You are going to have to clean up your act. Here is what Dr. Harley says about sexual problems in marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html


Go see what your wife says about trying Marriage Builders, then come back here and let us know, one way or the other. Remember to stay calm if she says no, okay?

I'll be putting that on my phone tonight. I don't want any secrets about anything. This tracking app also tells her if I download an APP, text, call, email and GPS. She can look at it if and when she wants to. Radical Honesty about everything.

Very "weird/awesome" experiance this morning. I was getting dressed in my room (we sleep in seperate rooms). I was thinking through what my wife had said about selling the house and I had the thought of "If this works we need to get married again". The door of my closet opens slightly on its own...so i opened the door slightly and in the closet was a wedding dress that my wife had purchased to use as a photo prop. All I could do for a minute was stand and stare and have goosebumps... I am a Christian and believe God works in amazing and wonderful ways... I felt sense of hope this morning that I hadn't felt in a long time.

Stay with that sense and use markos's direction to sell MB to your wife. Good luck and we're all pulling for you.

I suck at doing things in person...I sent her the link and I sent her pretty much what you wrote. I sold it to her (which is how I also feel) that this program allows her to address all her issues with me and gives me things to work on.

I do know that she has not forgiven me what happened last month. I also realized...she has probably been out of Love with me for a long time.

I sent my wife the email and she didn't take offense to it...but she said she wasn't ready for something like this. Can I honestly say something...for the first time in a long time I am proud of myself for speaking up to her. I was terriried a few months ago to even suggest this.

I imagine most everyone has problems getting a spouse to want to try if that spouse is not in love.

Yes, that is the case. There is usually one reluctant spouse. Sometimes some of the folks from the Marriage Builders coaching center can talk them into giving it a try.

Will she go out with you, Phoenix? Your next best bet is to get your wife out on frequent dates and make massive Love Bank deposits.

She wants to talk to her counselor first.

Everyone is telling her she needs to stay married and work on it...if not for her sake...then for the kids sake.

For the time being I am working on making love bank deposits the best I can. The last time she was on bed rest after surgery for 3 days and I had to take care of her...that really meant alot to her then.

Just asked my wife to dinner and a movie on Friday. (Her birthday is Sunday) Pray for me...and wish me luck. (I already got her a present) I also have decided that if she says no...I am going to get her choice of carry out and we will rent a pay per view movie instead.

Dont expect much, 20. Just keep doing the right thing for the right reason and dont losten to the fog babble.
Dr harley has said that when there is infidelty ( or lots of ib), planning " surprises" is ill-advised.
I dont do surprises even with fiance because it just feels lke ib which was devastating to my marriage.
Opt