GRRRR this isn't working again!

Are you sure we don't have to pay for this?

No we shouldn't but I noticed something is wrong with archives right now. Ive emailed asking. I've tried on a couple different computers.

Anyone else notice the same thing?

Here's a FREE tip!


Don't tell your H about your fears.
No love bank deposits there.
Instead, phrase the sentiments as hopes/dreams/goals, etc.

Like this: "My dream is to be as close to you as possible. Physically close. Emotionally close. Spiritually close. As close as possible. That is my desire."

Not like this: "I am afraid,we will grow apart."

One deposits a love unit, the other is an expression of your stress & anxiety.

Make sense?

Thanks Pep... great tip. And makes so much sense.

Hey BH,

In repsonse to your question on the Vultures thread;

Nope i haven't deleted FB a/c yet. It wasn't one of my EP's, my EP about fb stipulated that if/when we got back together we would either have a joint fb a/c or neither of us have one.

The main reason i'm staying on Fb is to have the chat fuction to talk to my H, and to snoop on whats going on with him and other women.

But... as indie correctly pointed out, other guys messaging me is essentially allowing them to meet one of my EN... and i hadn't thought of it that way. I guess i've still got alot to learn after years of having poor/no boundaries with men.

The guy said on sat "would be great to catch up soon" and i haven't replied! I'm very close to just being honest with him and saying that because i'm choosing to save my marriage i don't think it's appropriate to meet/chat with other guys.

Does that approch sound ok or do i need to be harsher/clearer?

I have no interest in this guy, it's more of an annoyance than anything, but i guess a good lesson for me.

This has nothing to do with YOUR EPs - what are your HUSBAND'S EPs? You should not be snooping on him on FB.

You have no reason to be on FaceBook. Shut it down. Don't just suspend it - CANCEL IT.

Husband doesn't have any EP's... he's a)not committed to recovery yet, and b)not on board with MB principles.

In fact i'm really scared that if he does decide he wants to try again that he won't want to use MB principles... i'm pretty sold on all of the MB stuff so don't think i'd want to make trade off's like having seperate FB a/cs.

And what have you learned from this incident? You are still practising poor boundaries around other men.

You have plenty of other ways to chat with your H, but you MUST plug each and every hole that made your affair possible. I don't really understand why haven't you done that yet...

Your EP states that joint or no account. Until then there is NO ACCOUNT. If he decides not to continue to be married to you, you continue with NO ACCOUNT, because it was THE condition that led to YOUR affair. In fact, I would ban FB forever, the joint account is still account and a "window" for the vultures. You may think you are sold to MB, but you are somewhat selective what needs to be done.

I agree with Mrs. Recon, BV.

I was hoping you would have seen your lack of EP on your own, but thank you for being honest.

So now what are you going to do?

Thanks Mrs. Recon & BH.

Actually FB wasn't THE condition that led to my affair. It was definitley an enabler but unfortunatley THE condition was being in a workplace with other males - whilst having very poor/no boundaries.

I am unable to quit my job and live in isolation from other men... so my other option is to work my butt off getting better at boundaries. I personally believe there are many more boundary 'areas' that are more important - the main one is keeping very high boundaries in the workplace.

I am being honest - i AM sold out to MB principles, however i'm not sold on the idea of deleting my fb a/c.... atm. This may and quite probably will change in the future, but for now i'm keeping it. My H has my passwords and can see all of my activity on there, including any chats etc. And keeping it allows me to check on his social life.

Couple of things, BV.

You don't send messages to vultures. You don't worry about vultures feelings. You unfriend. Job done.

If cancelling FB is a EP you promised your BH: THEN DO IT!

I appreciate you're keeping a careful eye out for OW, but cancelling FB shows him you mean what you say.

Your word lost currency when you had an A. Only actions can sell you now.

You promised no FB if you were given another chance. - but you won't get one if its all promises and no actions. All he heard was 'blah blah give me another chance'

He sees you not taking the EPs seriously UNTIL ITS WORTH YOUR WHILE

You can still keep an eye out. You can still tell him OW are not on. But he's going to do what he's going to do.

You have to clean up YOUR side of the street. FIRST

Man, it's been a while:
(Although we need a smilie with the recipient needing more feminine features, I think. Whatever...)

BV, you seem to have forgotten two things:

1)This is an action-biased program. Actions speak; words are worth the paper they're not printed on.
2)You are asking BH to perform extraordinary acts to overlook your betrayal of him, and your vows. You need to IMPRESS him, to OVERWHELM him, to WOW! him with your commitment to safeguarding your own (demonstrably) inadequate boundaries. LOSE THE EFF'ING FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. Not because it's "necessary", but because it's "optional".

Exactly. EPs are unconditional, BV. I am sure your H watches you carefully, every step you take or not take, he can assess your commitment from what you DO or how serious you actually are. Words are told to be cheap around here.

You've been given good advice, are you going to take it? There is no NEED for FB, you can communicate w/H via text or email. Having FB open is another avenue to have contact w/others you don't need to. The world went on before FB existed...

Hey guys thanks for the comments.

Just to clarify... deleting FB was NEVER one of my EP's. The EP about it stated

"joint FB a/c or both don't have one"

obviously there is no point in having a joint FB ac when we are seperated. Does this make sense?

I will be sending that vulture that was pm'ing me a short sharp msge today saying i'm not interested and reiterating that i'm working for reconciliation with my H, and with that in mind, private chats with OM are off the table.

You dont get it.
Even responding to a "vulture" with stay away is just another way to get attention with men.
Get rid of Facebook, it is an addiction you have.

Okay, since you cannot have joint account right now anyway, the other option would be no FB account at all. At that would be EP for your own sake and good.

I know you think in the context of THIS marriage, but let's widen the picture, how about your marriage never recovers and you end up divorced. What about EP's then? Or you end up in another marriage once, what then?

Im sure you will find a way to chat with your husband.

I am surprised that you do not see FB as a threat to you. Makes me wonder, what is really going on?

WHY!!!???

That will simply illicit a response where he defends himself. Leave him the hell alone. If you had a joint account you'd just unfriend! Silently, no big deal.

Since you CAN'T have a joint account the only way to SHOW your EP in action is not to have one.



And is that your goal? To preserve the conditions of a separation? To keep the separation permanent?

If you want to move things on, you need to show him how happily recovered and married BV behaves. How married BV puts her EPs first - even when there's nothing in it for her to do it yet! WOW!

You're supposed to be selling him on these ideas and principles. How can you do that - without doing it?

Do you expect him to commit to recovery BEFORE he sees any reasons to?

Its like agreeing to pay a hefty mortgage without seeing the house first.

So your BH has been looking on while you're chatting with a vulture...

He is unlikely to have been impressed BV.