I cannot even believe I am here.

Where to start? Met in late 2000, married 10 years. Anniversary is coming in 9 days. 6/1 was D Day. He has a 16 year old daughter, who I have been step-mom to since she was 4. We do not have children, just 2 dogs. I am 42 years old, He is 45. We have custody of his daughter, and she says I am the only mom she's got. Hers bailed on her and capitulates to an abusive husband who terrorized my step daughter for nearly 10 years.

His first marriage: College sweetheart. Dated 3 years, married 7. He was communicating via email with some woman, got caught. Stopped. She could not forgive him. He had a 1 night stand affair with their friend. Marriage ended. 1 year later, I met him.

His family was rather unkind and rejected me. They were angry with him because he cheated on his ex. Nothing to do with me, just happened to be his GF. This went on for years. It affected our marriage. I withdrew. Became chilly, hard-edged.

He began traveling to DC to work for Dept of Homeland Security. Was gone Monday thru Friday for almost a year. It affected our marriage. I found receipts in his old laptop case for 'dinner for 2' throughout. I accused him, he denied. I did not believe him, but did not continue to argue. That dark period was over and things were smoothing out, or so I thought.

We are a little distant to each other in subsequent years. I begin to have some general malaise feelings last few years. Very stiff, fatigued, sometimes irritable. Gawd-awful migraines. Found out 1/25/12 I have MS. Devestated. Extreme vertigo, walk with a cane, numb on right side. Tired a lot.

Fast forward to 6/1. My husband likes to play blues guitar. He goes to open jam to play with bands twice a week. He begins going more. Every night. I ask him when he will spend time with me, he says he is blowing off steam from his high pressure job. I don't nag. In fact, my demeanor is better since diagnosis. I have a name for the ugly face called Multiple Sclerosis and I am treating the symptoms and the disease. Still, his daughter and I tell him he goes out too much. He needs to stay home with us. He actually became sullen. I ask what's wrong? He gives me the old "I love you, but I am not IN love with you." Well, that begs the question "Then WHO are you in love with, Mark?"

Of course he denied, denied, denied. 6/2 in the am I tell him I know about his extra-curricular activities and it is inappropriate. He tells me we should (get ready) stay married, and I can live here and be a step-mom to M, and he can do what he wants because, you know, he's happy now. Don't his feelings count? I told him his weird open relationship arrangement is not going to work for me and I freak out.

I cannot believe he is throwing away 10 years where I helped him raise his daughter, rescue her from an abusive home, step in as mother to her. I race home each day to see my husband. He has some unsavory characteristics, but I still love him. Never would have walked away from this marriage.

He will *NOT* stop seeing this lady. I told him he should be thinking about saving our marriage. He says he is *IN LOVE* with this lady. She is married, too, btw. and I am 'thisclose' to calling her husband. My coworker said she would do it. I'll write out a script for her. I told him his affair hurts my feelings and is disrespectful toward me. He agrees to not see her, but will not stop communicating with her. I think he has seen her. He went out a few nights to the open jam and has found reasons to run errands on her side of town. I told his WHOLE family and mine. Now I'm onto our mutual friends.

He sees his attorney the other day. He comes home very down and depressed. *I am laughing* His attorney told him he will have to pay me $30k out of his 401k, and $1k - $2 per month for 3.5 years in alimony. He actually said "And I trashed our relationship, too." This was the first time I smiled in 3 weeks. Oh, and his massive debt he accumulated during our move and suing his ex for custody? All his alone, because it's in his name. He does go to individual counseling with the lady ONCE I chose as our marital counselor. He will not attend marital counseling because he's just so in love and doesn't think it's worth recovery/reconciliation with me. Evidently, she said some compelling things that made him think twice about the root of why he developed feelings for that lady. He is also downstairs right now reading HNHN on my nook. We both already read "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding the Trust".

I keep telling him I love him deeply and want to work on our marriage, but he is so cynical. He also brings up crap that happened early in our marriage that "I did". I have made amends and apologized for each incident he raised but I gently informed him he did things in our marriage also that contributed to the chilliness.

And he loves playing blues guitar and this lady sings in her own band so they cross paths A LOT. He does not think he can stop being in the local music community. We are doomed.

Hi Lisa, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

The best chance you have of saving your marriage is in exposing the affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing them is ruinous. If you can kill the affair, you have a chance to save your marriage. THAT is your very best hope. Please go read through the link in my signature and come back and lets talk strategy.

I would call the husband yourself. This call needs to come from you so you can team up with him. Addionally, I would find her facebook page and expose to all her facebook contacts via private message. Please read detailed instructions on how to do this on my exposure thread.

Melody. I am on board. I cannot do this tonite, I have to do it from work. I will contact this lady's H and father in law tomorrow. I will review his FB and see if there are friends that are not in the music community (all of them do not care, they have known about this since it began). He says November, but the psychic I saw said last summer they met. She also said this is not the first. She also said "Let him go, because he does not want to care for you with your illness"

I'm torn. Part of me wants to bail and run.

Sorry circumstances have led you here, but Welcome.
I just wanted to let you know that this gal is no "lady", Adultress- yes, Homewrecker-yes, Skank-yes, Lady- not anymore, she lost that distinction when she bumped uglies with your WH. The Lady is a Tramp. you already know that, you are just being very kind under the circumstanes. Again, Welcome GF

Lisa, you can always decide to bail and run, but you should kill the affair regardless of what you decide. I would expose to everyone on her facebook list because you never know who can get through to her. Her friends don't know that this is a married man, they only know the lies told my the OW and your WS. You should expose to everyone.

If she has a facebook page, I would copy and paste it into a word doc tonight for safe keeping.

p.s. I would warn you against doing a trickle exposure. You need to go LARGE here or you will you will just cause enough harm to piss off the affairees enough to come after you. You need to get your moneys worth and leave no stone unturned. Expose to the OW's parents, your children, your WS's parents, close friends and family.

Melody, unfortunately everyone decided to hide their friend list on FB. I am not wise in the ways of FB, so I kind of stumble around in it. I did mssg the husband and give a brief blurb about how his wife and my husband are planning a life together by dumping their spouses. Radio silence. No response.

His pic on FB is him and the two kids. Her pics are of the kids, never him. I wonder if they have some weird marriage arrangement where they are together for the kids, but not really.

My husband and I talked from 11:30 pm - 3:00 am Sunday night and he and I both agreed that after reading HNHN, we are more aware of what we have done to each other over the years. The book also helped me articulate and clarify WHY I behaved toward him the way I did. He said he was very confused and didn't know what to do. A small step in the right direction, after he was hell-bent on getting rid of me so he can pursue a 'relationship' with a married woman.

Then Monday he was cold toward me. In the evening, he spruced up, put on new clothes and said he was 'going out'. I am not stupid. I KNOW you are going to see her. He does this periodically since I found out, and basically runs out the door without saying goodbye.

Tonight, after he is done napping (after going out last night) we are going for sushi and having a talk. I think this talk will be where he tells me he doesn't want to work on our marriage and wants to put a plan in place to separate.

I have contacted a mortgage company and inquired what I have to do to qualify for a small condo $65-$75k. I also asked my mom if she can co-sign if needed. She is checking with her accountant and attorney to see if it's feasible. My dad has advanced Parkinson's and has to go into a nursing home soon. She might not be able to help me.

Right now, I hate my life. I have serious unintentional weight loss, which is good because I really needed to drop some weight.

LisaL77,

Exposure also removes the lifelong burden of keeping it all in out of undeserved shame on the part of the betrayed spouse.

It's like taking a bath for all parties involved.

God Bless
Gamma

Oh, yeah. I tell anyone who will listen. I will not participate in keeping his secret. I can't recruit anyone to help me.

His family said they do not wish to be involved, but they treat him very coldly, so I know where their sympathies lie. They just won't say anything to him about it. They made that mistake when he had an affair on his first wife, they ALL gave their opinion for YEARS and never let him live it down. Jeez, and that was a very brief fling and he is having a 9 month relationship outside of our marriage.

Do you have their home address? I would get the home address and drive over there. You can't give up so easily. Can you find her facebook list? Do you see the husbands facebook friend list? If so, you can find family members there.

You can't give up this easily, Lisa.

I can see his list, I think. I still cannot believe he did not respond to my message about his wife. I think they have some arrangement and he doesn't care.

Hi Lisa,
I am incredibly new here, but with so much people helping me, I feel like I want to try and help others too.

I strongly feel that exposure is the first step before anything else. It should be done completely and quickly to the friends/family of you, your husband, and this other woman. There are many other things to do and steps to take, but exposure is the first step that HAS to happen before anything else.

Good luck.

Then he shouldn't care if you drive over and tell him all about the affair. If he doesn't care, he can tell you to your face. I would copy and paste his list into a WORD doc. Go through the list and see if you can find his wife's relatives and his relatives. You can expose to them.

Can you not see the OW's facebook friend list?

Lisa, she could easily have intercepted that FB message.

They have been aware for some time you might do that.

Go over there. He is very likely being gaslighted just as you are.

Do the music friends who don't care have any idea that YOU care?

That 'open marriage where no one cares' idea? That's what he tells people the deal is with him and you.

They have the same 'she doesn't care' assumption you have about the BH.

Show them not only that you care but you are being abandoned to deal with your illness alone.

Even if they're stone dead inside, at the very least they will cut down social invites to keep them away from their own spouses and families.

LisaL77,

I will not participate in keeping his secret. I can't recruit anyone to help me.

Does his daughter know what is going on? You and his daughter should visit your WH and OW when they are on a date.

What about his work associates or clients?

The same for the OW.

God Bless
Gamma

Well no response from the OWH. I sent the same message to her father in law.

Radio silence from that guy. So I messaged him again and asked how he felt about his wife having unprotected sex with another man.

So last night my husband informed me he will be forming a band with this woman. She sings and he plays guitar. Nice! I am looking at condos. I am trying to adopt the 'what to do with an unfaithful husband' procedure of being as loving a wife as I can, not upsetting him in any way, gently reminding him I love him very much and doing this for 6 months. That is difficult. I told him if he spends time with her, I would like him to move out. Meanwhile, I am determining if I can get my own condo. I see my attorney on 7/5 to see how much alimony I'm entitled to.

Yes, you are doomed.

For as long as he goes out to play his music without you, and especially as long as he sees this woman, then your marriage is doomed. And now he wants to team up with her?

Follow the advice here...expose, especially to the other woman's husband. Do not "assume" he is OK with it unless you hear it straight from his mouth.

Here is a nearly universal truth. No amount of begging, pleading, educating, or counseling will get through to most waywards. They have to KNOW you will walk away if they continue the affair and won't change.

Right now your husband knows you will not.

You still allow him to talk and text her, even get dressed up to see her right under your nose.

You have to turn the tables, MB's does it with "plan B".

Lisa Dr. Harley does not recommend Plan A for wives longer than 3 weeks and 6 months for BH. BW's health will be affected. Can you go over to OW's BH and tell him to his face?

Carrot and Stick of Plan A