Im watching the EA front. I didn't send him a message yet but he sent something to my wife on Facebook: I typed it out as follws:

"You are too sweet! God has a plan for you... You see beauty where there doens't seem to be any. Youve been done wrong, God fogives but he doesn't forget. I hope you all the best because you deserve every bit of it...I'll pray directly for you, tell me it doesn't help and I won't believe you. Everything I've prayed for, HAS COME TRUE! I dont' ask much, but he helps me. I want to slap your husband but thats not christian. Get a hold of me when u feel down..Ok?"

Today she posted pictures of him and his son on there and he was overly complimentary on the pictures. In addition she asked a question as to whether our daughter should do cheer or gymnascits...and he felt it necessary to add his own comment.

She says she is ignoring him...I just have a feeling its not going to stop.

Two-Oh,
Do you know what prompted the communication by him? Are you able to monitor the messages she sends him?

You're in Plan A, right? Plan A is pretty specific. Keep Meeting EN's when you can and Dont commit any LB's. (but don't be a doormat, either).

I think you should have sent the message to OM, but I don't think it's too late. -- I was surprised you didn't. We all spent a fair amount of time advising you and editing the correspondence for you. But then you do nothing. How are we supposed to help you when you don't take our suggestions? People will eventually get frustrated and stop trying to help. People here have a lot of experience with this type of thing and if you imjplement the suggestions, in the long run usually good things happen.

I think the suggestion was to do what you could to disrupt the affair while in your plan A. What else are you doing to disrupt the affair?

opt

I am monitoring all communications. Right now my wife isn't communicating back. It gets sticky because he is a client (photography) for her. Right now she is giving him a very professional treatment and they are not communicating in any other way. Obviously he is making some Depsoits into her account...I just know that if she found out it would be a massive LB on my part. I told her how I felt about his message this morning and that I wanted to kick his butt. She said she just wants it to go away and the best thing she can think of is just ignore it. In the past she has not wanted me to get into her problems because she doesn't like the drama.

The reason I didn't say anything was because since this weekend my wife hasn't talked to him outside the context of work. He is trying and its pretty obvious but she isn't saying anything back. Because she hasn't said anything to him that was questionable I decided it wasn't worth pissing her off.

I am avoiding all Love Busters and was emailing my wife about some diet thing she wanted to try off and on today.

If he sends her anything that is questionable I will email him. I have the email drafted and saved; all I need to do is hit send.

How do I hold onto love when I feel like I am getting pummeled by hate from my wife while trying to make deposits. Its like my very presence annoys her. Last night she pointed out how I do a funny thing with my mouth when I am cooking and called it weird.

My six year old brought his cupcake up stairs and little pieces of cupcake broke off and fell on the floor. My wife yelled at me for not watching him and told me that I essentially got the floor dirty. She pointed out each crumb on the carpet with her foot and told me to pick them up. "there is one, there is another one, one over there". I felt like a piece of crap and totally humiliated. (My kids were upstairs getting dressed) All I wanted to do was help so I picked them up and I felt like crap.

20You can't make up your own lovebusters. Protecting your marriage is not a lovebuster. Telling some fool to stay away from your wife is not a lovebuster. Telling a business associate "I'd like to punch your husband" is not appropriate, and is NOT business related, it's personal and frankly that your wife DIDN"T respond is very telling and sickly concerning. She's complicit in her tacitness.

Just because she gets mad, doesn't make it a lovebuster. You have rights in this relationship too, regardless of what you feel you "deserve" because of your past behavior (which is BS, by the way). Tell me what LB it is to inform someone your intentions about your marriage and reminding them of what happens to people who mess with other people's wives (okay, now I'm upset)..,.
IB, Maybe yes, but again, there are exceptions to engaging in IB. This is a situation where you are HELPING not hurting your marriage. IB is required to kill an affair.

opt

I JUST sent him the email. SO NERVOUS NOW! He said something to her again.

"I read through all of the messages you had sent to my wife on Facebook. My wife is still married and the conversations you two have had are not appropriate under any circumstances. I love my wife, and I intend to be the man in her life, because I intend to be better for her than anyone else ever could be. Therefore, I insist that you not talk with her or have contact with her again in any way."

On the good news side...my wife is starting to tell people that she isn't wanting to throw 10 years of marriage away and I am in counseling. So thats a positive

No need to be nervous. You did the right thing for your marriage. You have a right to protect yourself and those who are dear to you. You have a right to protect your family. You have a right to redirect some scumbag who thinks it's cute to intervene in someone else's life including deeply affecting a young child. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you can stand proudly by your actions. NO Matter What anyone says.

I have news for you, in spite of wifey's initial reaction, she respects you deep down for standing up to this weasle. She never thought you'd do it. She's happy to know shomeone would stand up for her and her marriage. It's a strong courageous thing you did, 20, and it is NOT going un-noticed by your WW. Once the fog clears, sh'ell look back on this as one of the first steps in her recovery.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE for this! (emphasizing, not shouting). Listen respectfully to what she says, and let her know you don't see things the same way, but NEVER say you're sorry for doing the right thing.

We still need to talk about the muffin crumb incident, but for now:
You done good!

opt

LEt soneone know about the email, who are supportive of your marriage. So she doesn't have a chance to spin it. ASk them for further support.

Also is the OM married?

now as for this:
twozero,
This is sick, pathologic, cruel, and inhumane behavior on the part of your ww. It's abusive and diabolical.
Are you ready to tolerate this type of treatment (and worse) for the rest of your life? Are you ready to set an example for your children that this type of treatment of another human being is acceptable? Don't think they aren't well aware of what goes on between you two.

Remember, Plan A has nothing to do with allowing yourself to be a doormat, much less being abused and humiliated in your own home. This is not Plan A. It is not MB. It is not sane. And there is NO excuse for this type of cruelty. None. Allowing it to happen once (for any reason that seems to make sense at the time or even with later justifications) makes it okay forever. It's not okay.

I have grave concerns for your children. If she treats her husband like this, there is no telling how she is, or will eventually treat her kids.

I urge you to think long and hard about your ww's tendencies and try and evaluate objectively if this is a safe environment for you or your kids, in the long term.

Plan B may be crucial for you to get some perspective. But in the meantime, please keep in mind that Plan A never says anything about tolerating disrespect and humiliation. You are God's creature Phoenix. God does not want his children to be humiliated.

opt

The OM emailed me back...more than once. He said he didn't want to be with my wife and that he had just got done praying for us and he appreciated me approaching him in a Chrisitan fasion. He totally did a 180 on the situation. Optimism, Markos, and Brianhurts - THANKS for the push on doing this.

I got my wife a thing for her camera for her Birthday. She told me she is too sad to even want to celebrate her birthday. We have vaguely discussed that if this works we need to get remarried, new rings, new wedding ceremony..etc. She won't wear her rings now becaues they make her feel sad. My thought was to get her a (Cubic Zirconium) wedding ring as a new start for her birthday to remind her that this is a new begining. Gives her something to wear to feel married and remind her that I am working on a new start.

(I just don't want this to push her away though and seem like too much)

OM is not married. He is a single father. (Wanted to answer your question...but I think this killed the conversations).

Good job on confronting OM. He's a typical OM and they run and hide their tail when confronted.

OM=Spinless

Give her time to get through withdrawal. Maybe even get her into the doctor for some ADs to help?

Be consistent and keep filling her lovebank with lots of deposits.
Also her anger and disgusting parenting to your DS shows she is in major conflict. Did she show these signs before her affair?

She showed some of these signs before the affair but not as much. They come and go. She suffers from PTSD which may also contribute to the situation. She has been feeling very very angry towards me ever since mid May when I crossed the line with another girl on Facebook. The anger side of it appears to be lessening. However she has been pretty sad the past few days. So sad that she doesn't even want to celebrate her birthday.

Does buying her a new ring for her birthday on Sunday...help or hurt the situation?

I dont love the ring idea right now. That can be something you do together, not as ib.
Just provide a nice stable loving environment with no lovebusters. A place where she can count on for consistency from the chaos that has overtaken your livea lately.
My opinion
Opt

Here was my thought on it. (And I honestly got it today during lunch) This is an inbetween ring. She can wear it now and then we would redo our wedding and get new rings then (something we do together). This ring she could wear out while on vacation and stuff. Its a simple wedding ring. I obviously can take it back. I wanted this to be something that she can wear without feeling sad from the past.

It obviously doesn't "fix" anything...and she might not wear it. The biggest action I can give her is consistant stablity and love on a daily basis.

My opinion is that's way too much thought for the ring plan. Focus for now on building the romantic love that will make such a symbol more meaningful.

So...my wife sent me an email today telling me she wants to sell our house and get a different one. Alot of bad stuff happened in that house. She came back there after her EA...I did stuff that hurt her emotionally there. It would be a "new" start.

That is a great idea, and is something that Dr. Harley often recommends.

Is there any reason you are in MB101 forum now instead of surviving an affair or in recovery? I'm kind of confused at this point what state you are in. Just a couple posts back up is talking about confronting OM, which sounds more like SAA material.