Hmm. Try to keep this in check. I know this must be so hard, but neediness is a lovebuster. Its basically the same as saying that he faces an unpleasant result whenever he does not do what you wish/need. If he feels unready at any point, and thinks he's going to see a lot of weepiness as a result, he's just going to avoid you.



You're talking way past what he is able to see. His lovebank is so much lower than yours is, it's like asking a guy on the 12th date to marry you. You need to concentrate on smaller goals.

Moving back in - and being publicly married again would be huge successes. So by all means tell him you want those things, and ask for pointers.... but don't EXPECT them. You're willing to go at his pace, ok?



This is amazing. You have to surprise him, you have to raise the bar higher than he expects, in order to nudge up that lovebank. I think you achieved that.



Tell him. It's nice when people love us enough to get jealous. You cant, and should not, demand anything but by all means let him know you'd LOVE it if she was deleted.

I agree with the others. I would lovingly ask him to delete OW.

I would love it if you deleted OW.

My H and I love giving each other foot massages. We do usually do it during a TV show that we both like. I know that TV and movies don't count as true UA time but we have actually gotten excited and planned a "date" night on the couch watching Dexter and rubbing each others feet. We then talk about Dexter together and sometimes a little making out is in the mix

We also like to grocery shop together. We used to do it all of the time and got away from it. Now we are starting to do it again.

Planning dinner together. Each of you decide to make something and then make it together.


While taxidermy sounds tempting we have taken up swimming this summer. Maybe we will try stuffing skunks in the winter...lol

Thanks guys.

Yea i will try harder at keeping neediness in check.

Yes, i def will ask him to delete OW, but just choose the right moment. I was VERY encouraged to hear he had deleted some of the other ones too... felt like a big step towards building a future with me - or at least even seriously considering it! I guess it's that sort of thing - and going public with being back together means more to me than SF in secret!

One of my most favorite lines from one of my most favorite movies!

We do massages heaps too. My H LOVES them... more than i do! And yes, normally for us it's while watching a fav program or movie - btw - we LOVE dexter too!

Mine too! Still one of the best.

My new fav is The Walking Dead though!

BV, I think you are a nice person who made a terrible decision, but may I?


Stop it. Stop the crying to your husband. Here's how I'll bet he reads that: "She screwed around on me, and now she's crying about her loneliness because of that??"
If I were your husband I would view your tears as part remorse, part manipulation. I think that's not what you want to convey, but that's what I would take from your tears if I were your husband. (Gentlemen, feel free to jump in here if you have a male point of point that might add to this discussion.)

mb, I made a couple of changes to your assessment from my point of view, but, by and large, spot on.

Knock out the pity parties in his presence, BV. If you feel the overwhelming need to have one, have it here or with a girlfriend. Remember, it's his interpretation of your intentions and actions that truly matter, not yours.

Hey thanks for the input TigerWes.

I truely truly did not mean to be manipulative at all. But i get your point. What I meant doesn't matter, what he interprets does.

I think i need to harden the fleep up and grow some B***s for the most part. I really have no right to be crying over this. It's actually quite pathetic when i think about it. I should be flippen grateful he's even hanging out with me!

Also, a quick note re anti-anxiety meds... i have been on citalipram for about 5 years now

Unfortuantley both my H and I believe that the medication has actually assisted my selfish/don't give a crap behaviour. So i've been working hard at reducing the amount i'm on so that i can actually feel things again.

There's an excellent article one of our national magazines published on these typees of meds and how they can have this effect on people.

Hmmm, uh, yeah, purty much??????

off topic: so pleased my quote was known! i too adore the walking dead! i'm teaching it to my media class this year. my sister tapes the episodes and sends the to me on USA time, thank goodness. booo to geoblocking!

get those pix done yet?

you're doing well that he's seeing you, bv. don't get too hasty. you're the one who has experienced the whole thing, ya know? he needs to process, and get to a place where he can heal, hopefully with you.

I have been on anti-anxiety med for over four years now, Buspar (buspirone), it's in a class of it's own and doesn't have the side effects some of the others do. I am still able to feel everything, it just takes enough of the edge off that it's more dealable. I had to ask my doctor for it because he tried to put me on Valium, which I did NOT want to take (addictive and makes me sleepy).

Hi BV,

This is the first time I've had a chance to look in here in a couple of weeks. When I had looked a few weeks ago it didn't seem you posted much. Not that that is important, but have seen so many people start a dialogue and then leave. Am dead tired tonight after a meaningful week - I think BV I walked about 50 miles this week getting around due to my bike needing repair and not available. Did about 12 hours of my volunteer opportunities, spent about an equal amount of time getting around on foot, my contract job another 6 hours, and celebrated my 70th birthday Thursday. I probably also spent about a good 12 hours this last week doing my exercises - bicepts, tricepts, bicycles, leg exercises, some weight lifts, and cleaning the home. Why am I telling you all this - cause I feel like tooting my horn. But also, that people can and do successfully change, as you seem to be trying to do. I have not been this active for the last year or so, but now I feel like I am - well maybe age 55 or so...*s*

Point is BV, and I have not read more than just the last few pages of your thread, your H needs to change and get it right! This crap about him irritating and teasing you with his indecision and preoccupation with any OW is just that - pure indecision. **edit** If you feel like crying, as long as you are trying then by all means do. It's your relief from your efforts. Even in crying - I believe you are the strong one and your H is the weak on.


On the meds - try thru your phsysican to dramatically reduce and even discontinue. I read your post on fact that you are on a medication. **edit**

So, please continue to grow BV,and if crying and feeling a little needy at times is a part of it then do not feel ashamed. Do not forget that your H has the primary reposnibility to respond to you - he has the obligation to at least TRY to get over his ego and disappointment and to recommitt to you. As marital bliss said, you are a good person. Your H does not have the right to tease, demean, or to or to denograte you or your marriage!

Tom

Hey Tom,

Thanks for staying in touch Good on you with the excercise! thats brilliant!

I agree that if i really can't stop the tears in front of him then it's ok. Afterall i've been so unemotional over the past 6 or so years whilst on the medication that it's prob good to show something in front of him. I think the important thing is that its backed up with feelings of repentence and not 'poor me' etc.

Yes, will be making an appointment with a doctor soon to see about either swapping or reducing amount of meds again. It's gotta be a slow process since i've been on it for so many years.

Thanks again!

And to everyone else who's keeping up with my thread...

Had lovely weekend w H. Family day on saturday with just us 3 which was really nice. Followed by some UA time for us after DD went to bed... massage and movie :-)

I have some more questions about going forward though and will post them in the morning. Back in other town now for another week of work.

Glad to see the advancement BV!! So happy for you.

Yes keep us updated.

Hello BV,

I've been able to read more of your posts than I had yesterday. I had not realized that FB was such a big issue, but I agree with some others that nneds to be gone from your life as well as your H's...period. Quite frankly, and I will say this as kindly as I can, neither of you are equipped emotionally to deal with FB and the temptations there ....again, period!

UA and RC time: think you two are both hesitant - you two must have something in common that you can both fail at...*s* - or excel at and enjoy doing while you both either fail or excel! I mean good grief - bingo could be exhilerating at a local church! Despite the fact that the two of you are now apparently separated does not mean a reduction in UA time. Have you two thought about or considered volunteering together as a team - there are a multitude of opportunities depending on what your skill sets are and your individual preferences. Your H would have to JA with this, but I think you could nudge him forward.

In my own situation, my wife is in a nursing home out of state - it's getting outside yourself and not bieng afraid to. I miss Her, but am not going to allowa me to languish. When I go to work at in volunteering I am responsible for food to AIDs/HIV clients. I don't want to just dole out food - I want to get to know these people by their first names, make them feel comfortable, and make sure it's a pleasant ecperience. That is what I call trying to stand outside of 'me'.

You just seem like a damn good person BV and your H probably is too. All I can say is keep banging away for the sake of your M and I think he will get off the fence. Yes, it was your affair that caused all this, but if I were him, and sort of surmmizing your dedication and character, if I were him I would take a long second look.

Tom

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