Thanks for your support Tom

Is this "national magazine" a peer-reviewed scientific journal?

Likely not, since it's a "national magazine."

Be careful ditching the psych meds, and make sure that before you do, you are improving your coping skills and your marriage.


"Don't give a crap attitude" is usually referred to here as the marital state of withdrawal. Read about it in the basic concepts under the three states of mind in marriage.

Thanks.

The article quoted research that backs these things up. Not sure of the quality of the research as i didn't go to the primary articles but yes, it was peer reviewed scientific journals.

I feel like i had the 'dont give a crap attitude' long before the affair.

Will read up about those 3 states of mind now.

Cheers

Was on two types of these meds post D day for anxiety. Helped? Then had epiphany. Change comes from within. Realized I couldn't see myself taking them everyday. Knew my anxiety stemmed from who I was as a person pre D day (bc had really anxious mom with no dad growing up) and why I was feeling especially anxious post D day (uh duh!). One was an SSRI or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor like Prozac, Welbutrin or Seroquel. Love the names btw... "Pro"-zac. "Wel"-butrin. Sero-"quel." The premise is that our brains are wired a certain way with a milieu of different chemicals or neurotransmitters either pro-stimulatory or pro-inhibitory. Yin and yang basically. The SSRI's can lead to long term mild obesity after 6-9 months. Youre fat and happy LOL. They are indicated for both depression and/or anxiety.

The other med was Buspar (bupropion), an atypical anti-anxiety med or anxiolytic. Sorta worked when I stopped taking the SSRI. The mechanism of action is not very clear (sorta like lotsa neuro & psych meds bc it's like voodoo I suppose given our as yet limited comprehension of the workings off the human brain). But ultimately said nope. No thanks. I do not begrudge anyone taking them by any means. Just realized I didn't want to. As a short term fix for me they were good. Absolutely. Worked awesomely! Long term? No way. Wasn't interested.

Good for u BV for not taking them if you so desire. Whatever works for you I say. Everyone is different. We're all wired differently with diff chemicals floating in our screwed up heads. Most especially me.

Okay, BV, enough talk about ADs.

What have you done this week to convince BH of the advisability of reconciling and building a great marital union with the newly devoted and intensely desirable BV?

Sell, sell, sell, kiddo.

Ditto!

Not much! Have been sidelined with awful flu for 3 days now.

Am back home on sat so looking forward to some more time with him then.

But we are texting several times a day and have skyped with our DD twice this week

Hello all.

Haven't posted for a week! Flu dragged it's heels and i've had my brother visiting from Oz which has been a real bummer as i haven't seen much of H :-(

I have a question for other WW... how long did it take for your H to start meeting your EN again? I mean i understand that given the circumstances me meeting his needs should come first... and i feel like i have no right to request that my EN also be met. However isn't this part of why we got into the current situation?

I know for BS in Plan A, Dr Harley says to do everything possible to meet the WS emotional needs.... but my situation is different in that we aren't officially in Plan A... still 'officially' seperated, and still not living together.

Also, i kinda feel like my H will never be able to be with me around our friends. He's wanting to keep everything secret and i feel that he'd be ashamed to be seen with me in public.

plan a is for the BS DURING the affair - meeting the WSs ENs to demonstrate what their marriage could be like if the WS ends the a. it is to help bring an end to the a, not recovery.

it is possible that your H isn't ready to show others he is considering recovery with you. after all, since they are ignorant of MB, they have all likely told him to D. he's waiting to see if it's going to "stick" YKWIM? the fact that he is calling you and seeing you is great. be thankful. would he be ready to look at the EN worksheets perhaps?

hmm, i've just noticed that it's been nearly a year since DD. how long has he been willing to see and speak with you? did you have NC w/him for a time? i can't remember.

i read that article you referenced. for others: we have two high general readership national mags. think along lines of the atlantic or the new yorker.

in other news, did you feel the earthquakes last night? woke me up - twice!

Thanks for the reply Letty.

Yep we have been seperated for 6 months but 'seeing' each other for about 1 month. So yes, i guess it's early days. He seems to just want SF and not much else!

Earthquakes - yes!!! in upper south island they were felt v strongly. Seemed to go on forever! Biggest one i've felt since the aftershocks of chch.

well, the sf is great for bonding, for both of you. when my H had ended his a, we went through what they call "hysterical bonding" (sex all the freakin' time). it helped a lot, especially since sf is a top need of mine.

however, if he doesn't make a move towards considering recovery (need a guy to chime in here) in the near future...are you worried he's just using you for sex and not thinking about recovery?

BV,

I actually have a lot to say about your current situation. I know that everyone's stories are different and so are the people involved but I feel like your story parallels mine in a lot of ways. This includes your feelings, your actions and the way your spouse is feeling and acting.

I am however very tired because we have been entertaining family all weekend. I am also trying to type this out on a cracked cell phone. Stay tuned and I will catch you up on my current situation and hopefully it will help you with yours.

15 years and 12 days

Less than a month ago, WPG (in all her painfully-gained wisdom) addressed this exact issue with you. Eloquently and carefully she expanded on two points that I'll brusquely summarize here:

1) You have to Plan A with NO EXPECTATIONS.

2) You must be honest with BH.

Thirty days later, given your geographically-strained situation, it's unlikely that this advice from a veteran FWW of her standing would have changed.

As the contrapositive FBH, however, let me insert that in the immediate recovery period, the desire for relationship-reclaiming SF was almost overpowering, if also utterly delightful. Part of the experience was knowing that my bride was not keeping score or dissecting the dynamics too intently. She was intuitively aware, I would suppose, that the endorphins (Pep, Trip: names?) released during/following SF were working on my damaged psyche, which was her sole motivation.

Unless you are the most guileless of women, BV, your "honesty" with BH, should be heavily slanted toward subtly linking the experience of SF you and he are enjoying, to your vision for your future lives together. "No expectations" does not imply "no strategy"!

Well said!

Thanx, Pep!

BV, a little research can round out my reference to the sexually-relaesed hormone oxytocin:

Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear. One study confirmed a positive correlation between oxytocin plasma levels and an anxiety scale measuring the adult romantic attachment.

All that being so, I would expect that fostering those modulations in your FBH would be of high interest to you.

BV,

NG gave me some very similar advice only a few months ago. His "no expectations" with a "strategy" is the perfect thing to keep telling yourself to keep you going on a plan for your marriage recovery.

What I keep telling myself is there is a fine line between making up for what you did and being stomped on. However, is my H expecting SF really being stomped on? No! My H told me that SF is his security blanket. Because he could not completely trust me, having SF brings him comfort. This was enough for me to put on my big girl pants and be happy that he was even touching me after the pain I put him through.

I however am not going to pull out my saint card. I have really struggled with feeling angry and frustrated with my situation. I have wanted to hurry my H along and have things back to normal. Then I do a reality check and realize that I am still cleaning up my mess.

I like to think of it as shattered glass. There are A LOT of pieces and months later you keep finding more that you need to pick up.

NG, has also described it as a roller coaster ride and this is so true. Since mothers day my H went from wanting to leave to giving us another try and actually letting me back in.

He went from only showing affection during SF to actually showing affection all of the time.

The only issue that still bothers me to no end is the fact that his parents have refused to see me since D day. His mother has been very cruel as well.

I have been on the forum several times upset about this issue and have gotten a number of great responses. But the best response I got was from my H when I was honest with him about how much it hurt me to not be included in family events.

His response to me was that up until recently, he was not sure that he even wanted to reconcile with me. The reason that he did not stand up for me against his parents was because he did not want to put everyone through reconciliation when he was not even 100 percent for it.

He told me that as he is coming around and actually seeing my actions and changes rather than me just stating them he is getting closer to telling his parents that they need to accept us no matter what. I asked him when he finally did this what he would do if they refused, he said he would tell them to screw off and anyone else who did not support us as well.

BV, this was not the response I wanted. My taker wanted him to tell his parents to screw off two months ago. But it made me realize that he was not ready for that and this is not just about me. So while I am not completely satisfied with this answer I know that it is necessary. Am I being a doormat? I don't think so. Am I being patient and telling myself that this is just another piece of glass from the mess that I made and it will be cleaned up? Yes, because I have to.

BV,

Found a clip of a WW wanting to save the M after her affair and the BH can't deal with the pain and he has moved out. Dr. Harley says she should give it 2 years.

Tell me what you think
Radio clip on the BH not able to get over his WW's affair

I agree, thanks NG, very well said.

Thanks for sharing 15yrs.... it really helps to know someone else is going through similar things.

SF will definitely be a security blanket for my H as well as this is his top EN. I suppose the difficult thing is that its one of my lowest. But i guess it's really good for me to be learning to meet that need in a greater way than i have before, especially at this time.

So sorry to hear that your in laws have been unaccepting and cruel. That must be very difficult for you. Are they christians? I hope that over time they can see the change in you too. But... if they don't accept it then it will be important for your H to stand up for you no matter what.

Patience must be the hardest virtue to practice i think!

Thanks BH

I guess the advice is to give it 2 years. From date of seperation? or date of 'recovery'?