From here How To Survive An Affair

Also this What Are Plan A and Plan B

3 weeks is plenty! You don't have to rush to a D, but Plan B should not be far away.

Well, he told me this last night. This is his way of telling me we should be separated. So separated we shall be. He is not interested in reconciliation.

I read an article here about dealing with an unfaithful husband:

"The first step is to be the very best wife you can possibly be. Do everything you can to meet his needs, and don't do anything to upset him. Set a period of time that you think you can do this without getting too upset, say, six months. Once in a while, tell him that you think both of you need a fresh start somewhere else.

If he does not respond to your kindness and respectful suggestions within that period of time you're ready for the second step: pack up yourself and your children and move near your family and friends for their support. It should be far away from his lover -- another city or even another state. Have absolutely nothing to do with him. Don't talk to him, don't see him. "



I see my attorney 7/5 to discuss what alimony I am entitled to. The reason I am waiting until then? Our 10 year anniversary is in 2 days....Friday. I want the 10 year mark to pass before I pursue anything. Here in NY State, I can sue him for adultery so long as I have proof. I have some emails of him apologizing after I emailed him and mentioned how his affair hurt me. Know what else? I may sue HER for adultery. It's against the law here.

I am also getting pre-qualified for a mortgage. I put the wheels in motion today. I hope I have enough credit to qualify. Would you believe my WH actually offered to co-sign a mortgage for me? This is so he can have a line of communication and connection to me. Little does he and his daughter know, I am moving across town near my sister (and near the OW, incidentally). I lived in that town from '96 until last November, so she can go scratch.

I am going to start packing my china and Xmas decorations and schlepping them over to my sisters house. I will do this quietly and methodically when he goes out, like he is out tonight probably watching her stupid band play.

I am trying to be as loving a wife as I can be without upsetting him and committing love busters. I committed LOTS of love busters during our marriage and it's hard to break that. I'm trying.

Dr. H needs to update his articles. He originally recommended 6 months of Plan A for both genders. Most of his books still list Plan A that way. For a BH, that's still a good target to shoot for, somewhere in the 3-6 month range.

The BW's who tried to go that long were suffering too many physical and emotional side effects from prolonged exposure to CRAZY PEOPLE, so he shortened the recommended time for BW's to 3-6 weeks. That's been fairly recent, coming to the forefront in the last few years.

I am highly in favor of suing WS's and OP's anyplace they'll let you. Consequences are a natural part of Plan A and Plan B.

Lisa did you see this? Dr. Harley does not recommend 6 months of Plan A for BW but 3 weeks.

Brainhurts, I read one of his "What to do with an unfaithful husband letter #3" which stated to the BW to set aside, say, 6 months to practice the Plan A meeting EN and avoiding LBs.

I am a tough cookie. I think I can do this. Even though I have multiple sclerosis. I was the glue of this family. I am taking measures to ensure I can live independently, but I am now re-reading HNHN and I have several other books coming from Dr. H.

Are you getting the book Surviving An Affair?

Are you going to call the BH of OW or go over there?

You need to expose to this BH. Especially if your WH plans to be in a band with her. Your M will never recover.

Every time your WH sees OW the affair will be on. You need to make sure there is No contact between them for life.

lisa, you are reading an old, old article that Harley probably overlooked when he updated the other articles and his books. Plan A should only be 3 to 4 weeks TOPS for a woman. The reason is because a) women have nervous breakdowns from staying in Plan A for too long and b) your pursuit of him is very unattractive. It does not work with men. It just makes you look more unattractive.

So, I would get him moved out NOW so you can go right into Plan B. Plan A longer than 4 weeks is not recommended for a woman.

I would stop sending facebook messages and drive to his home like I advised. The OW is very likely intercepting your messages and has told her husband you are some kook by now. You need to get moving and take a more strategic approach towards exposure if it is to have any effect.

The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"

My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.

If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=151015&Number=2069970#Post2069970

radio clip about Plan A and length of time: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2793

Tell me how many husbands you know who have this 'arrangement'. I don't know any.

I have his home phone at work, not at home. I will call him tomorrow at work if his secretary lets me through.

His family owns a health care group that owns a LOT of nursing homes in the area. If they break up, and there is no pre-nup, then he has a lot to lose.

I am considering hiring a private eye for photo evidence.

WHO SHOULD LEAVE THIS HOUSE? HIM OR ME? He pays all the household bills, I pay medical, groceries, gifts, incidentals, household supplies, etc. Also, his daughter lives here and may not want to stay if he leaves and I stay. I am currently trying to qualify for a mortgage NOW. I have to get a place that allows 2 dogs, they are going with ME.

Do you have any children?

I have a step-daughter, 16 years old who NEVER comes home anymore. She is uncomfortable because of this situation. She lives at friends houses since D-Day.

When are you calling the BH of OW?

Since that is his daughter, you might want to make plans to move out yourself. That way, she is not getting booted out of her home.

Ditto. Can't believe your husband is doing this to you and his daughter. Boggles the mind the choices waywards make.

Yeah, but I have multiple sclerosis and it's hard for me to move around, much less pack and move. I am trying to prequalify for a small mortgate.

I try calling this guy and left a voice mail at work. I will try at home when I know she is out playing with her band.

I said I have some sensitive, personal information to share with you that is very important.

This feels utterly hopeless.