kgaa, firstly, please listen to the other posters and stop talking to your WW about your plans!

she is trickle-truthing you. work on your poly Qs, and give them to her the day before. she will tell you some more "truth" in the hopes that it will make you call off the poly. DO THE POLY.

you have several things to do today.

1. keep on w/plan a
2. book the poly. you are not "in the process." you have either booked an appt or have not. book it.
3. expose! get your butt over to OMW house NOW.
4. expose to everyone else if you haven't already.
5. work on your poly Qs. remember they can only be yes and no. post them here for help. use your evidence to help come up with Qs.
6. contact the coaching center here at MB. you need a recovery plan.
7. if it hasn't been done already, WW needs to write out that NC letter. regardless of what she's said about ending it. YOU are the one that approves and sends the letter.

that should keep you busy and your mind off other things. yes, you can get these images out of your head, and you can recover your M. but the steps need to be taken so you don't end up in plan C or FR. work the steps. post here often.

I agree with Lettys 'trickle truth' assessment. I think she's hoping that spilling her guts will mean that you now believe her and call off the poly.

Don't!

How's exposure comming along?

Remember that everyone should be exposed to at once, WITHOUT WARNING your WW.

Have you read the exposure thread?

Yes.
Trickle truth = I'll tell you something that's painful in hopes that you'll be satisfied and it'll throw you off track of the FULL truth.
Gaslighting = I'll try to make you feel guilty/crazy/stupid for pursuing this topic further.

Your wife COULD be telling the truth. If she is, the poly will assure your peace of mind.

But the "I'll do the poly if you want but I thought spilling my guts about this horrible event would be good enough!" approach is a big red flag.

I know you WANT to believe her, and I hope she's telling the truth. But you owe it to YOURSELF to find out for sure.

Don't drop the polygraph requirement.

KGaa,

Should i ask more details about the PA? What were u wearing...how was ur hair ect?

Yes ask for every detail that comes to mind, the more details you get now the fewer questions will trouble you years later.

Also this will help with the polygraph as doing a memory dump will increase WWs chances of passing.

God Bless
Gamma

I am unsure about continuing with th poly. My wife yesterday..when i briefly told her about rebuilding our marriage and that we can recover crom this..she out of NOWHERE said.....i had a PA with him a total of 3 times...not just once...and this is where all of them happend..this is what we did PA wise..the exact locations and she answered any minor detail even down to the ones that hurt most...ahe told me her tactics for trying to cover it up where she called from to avoid detection ect...she admitted that she recently callthe OM and they agreed at first that they were onlu going to admit the one PA encounter. my wife told the OM that she was going to come clean and that he she tell hiswife also. They previously agreed not to tell. My wife feels she has made the step in telling all...and trust me the info was extremly damaging...how much worse can it get...it was a multiple, continuous, 3-4 week full blown, everything this forum has said PA. Dont misunderstand...she is still willing to take the poly..but feels that she has brought herself to the point of humiliation to tell this terrible event...just feel i'm pushing mayne to hard and she's getting absoluty no credit for comming clean....also she is aware the affair is starting to be exposed and hasnt really backed down to admitting to her dimise with close friends and family.

I am concerned she is still lying. She is still in touch with him, isn't she? The way this is coming out - in a trickle - makes me think the affair is ongoing.

Is she resisting taking the polygraph? Because taking a polygrpah is not humiliating if it clears your good name.

Have you contacted the OM's wife?

You just need to stick to the guns here or risk a false recovery.

KGaa12,

my wife told the OM that she was going to come clean and that he she tell hiswife also.

Get to his BW immediately or OM is going spin the story that your WW seduced him, and that you are the bad husband who caused your WW to seduce OM.

Also make sure the BW knows all the tricks for snooping and give her the number of the polygraph expert.

God Bless
Gamma

Don't back off the poly.
You're risking a lot if you let 'want-to-believe' guide your course.

She has showed you MULTIPLE times already that she's willing to lie and hold things back. What precisely makes this time different?

The "I'll do it, but..." approach to the poly is a red flag.
Her remorse seems to be more about her and how humiliating this is than you and what she did to you.

Give her credit, by all means. Thank her for her honesty. Sympathize with how hard it must be to confess all that. Then tell her when the poly is booked for and that if she has anything else to tell you between now and then, you'll be ready to listen.

KGaa12, I was *just* going to advise you to read ^^^ AlmostInvictus' thread. Her WH tried over and over to "move on" without the poly, "I've finally come clean, there's no need!!!" and sure enough, when the day rolled around, the real truth came out.

It is TACTIC to get you to back down. DO NOT DO IT.

If that's how she feels then she is more concerned with her feelings of 'humiliation' than clearing the decks to heal you.

I would say: "I would rather you not heal me at all if you are not completely enthusiastic about doing so. I will only recover with someone who is enthusiastic about helping me."

That's outrageous that she is whining on about her feelings re the poly while she is STILL trickle truthing you.

You still dont have the full truth yet. Waywards who have given the full truth, and are fully remorseful are eager to take a poly and pass.

My guess would be she's hiding feelings of love for OM and an ongoing affair.

If she isnt remorseful she'll put you through a false recovery.

CONTACT THE BW!!!!

Yes ma'am.

Any reaction to the poly other than "I'm so sorry I put you through this and I can't wait to take this test and PROVE my honesty to put your mind at ease" is potentially a tactic to make you back off.

I ought to know.

Any reluctance. Any 'woe is me'. Any attacks on your motives...take them all with several grains of salt.

Then add a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila, book your poly, and let the chips fall where they may.

She has brought herself to the point of humiliation by cheating...having sex with another woman's husband in a car if I'm reading this right. The ACT is what is humiliating, telling the TRUTH is finally taking a step to do what is right.

How are YOU pushing too hard. You are pushing to get the truth, about your own life. She is pushing to keep lying. If you want recovery to happen, it will only come through truth, and not through lies.

She will get credit for coming clean...when she comes clean. I highly suspect that has not happened yet.

Stop trying to protect her, why are you worried that you are 'coming down too hard' on your WIFE and some POSOM who continue to lie and cheat behind your back??? Your effort to protect a foggy WW and her POSOM will only protect the A which you are trying to destroy. Don't enable your WW or this A.

Couldnt agree more. Rather SHE is pushing her 'woe is me grief' too hard. She should have realised these consequences were waiting as soon as she embarked on an affair. She chose to become a liar. Why is she so upset about choosing to tell the truth on the record?

Telling the truth is not humiliating.

Its getting it on with a loser OM that is humiliating.

Being given the chance to come clean properly should be faced bravely by this WW.

I am in the process of contacting the other males wife..I agreed to go to mh wifes thearapist today with her since this happened. I told all to him with her present. I was not a saint 16 years ago and also had a PA...no issues since..been alot of years...what i gained from the therapist is my wife actually admitted to the therapist the full extent of the PA. He encouraged my wife to come clean with the entire thing in order to save her marriage...she was tricling the truth on how to tell me..but knew and even told the OM involved that thw truth was comming out...the therapist suggested that if i feel i needed to see the poly through...both of us should take one...he asked what i hoped to gain by the poly? I also feel that way at times...so the poly tells me it was 5 times and not 3....does it really change what i'm dealing with here. My wife said no problem to take it...she'd prefer it be out of town because of the confidentiality. Ours ia a smaller town where people know names and faces...