Have you read the articles I posted? About Plan A and Plan B?

What you did in the past was threaten divorce. You should never threaten divorce, because it is a MAJOR lovebuster. But, that doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself and tell him that he must change the way he treats you. And yes, if you must leave in order to show him you're serious, then you leave.

Leaving doesn't necessarily mean divorce.

Right now, this isn't a marriage. It's a crippled form of the pre-affair marriage, because you've never started recovery. Right
now, he shows no indication of ever wanting to recover the marriage -- he's balking at EPs! And it's tearing you apart.

What I would do if I were you is Plan A him for 3 weeks, then ask him to join you in the MB program. If he says no, I would kick him out and go to Plan B. He can come home when he agrees to start recovery with you.

If we will join you in recovery, he would not be balking at EPs.
He hasn't done that.

I also have a deep sense of commitment to marriage. Very deep. I see it as a sacred picture of God's relationship with His people. But I made a big mistake all those years ago by allowing H's poor behavior to continue unabated, without consequence. I did him no favors by allowing myself to become a doormat.

Make a list of the EPs and simply tell him that this is what it will take to keep you in the marriage. There should also be Just Compensation, so that your marriage is better than it was pre-A.

You don't need to bring up the affair to present the EPs. He already knows he had an affair. ALL married people should have EPs in their marriage, not just those with adultery in their history.

"This is what it will take to keep me in the marriage." Period.

And then be ready to stand by the decision. It will make him a better man, if he chooses. And if he does not choose to be a better man, well, then you have your answer. You have received plenty of good advice from Prisca and Marcos and others.

What this does to you is why you need to protect yourself until he agrees to join you in recovery.

Yes, I just read it again and see what Dr. Harley is saying.

In 23 weeks I will be having a baby...

So when I say, this is what it will take to keep me in the marriage, that is not tipping my hand or threatening to leave?

I'm so confused. I've said this before and had an apt lined up and everything. Just didn't follow through because I want the marriage to work.

The EPs I need:

1) no opposite sex friendships
2) no alone time with opposite sex
3) CC me on emails to females
4) no going out with mixed company without me
5) no traveling without me (still a little iffy on this one due to our finances and need for a better job)
6) no touching of the opposite sex unless famly (I don't like him hugging women...he doesn't do it often but it does something to me when he does)
7) no porn (we have a filter) and no movies with lots of sexual content

Any other EPs I should add?

And what does "get on board with MB" look like? He has read some of the book Lovebusters with me. He won't post here.

I want him to post here. Very much.

I don't see him to be fairly open. He is continuing to do things you are not okay with. He does not want to follow the policy of joint agreement, a rule that would protect you.

That doesn't look like "fairly open" to me. It sounds like he's happy to let you talk if it will make you feel better, as long as he doesn't have to actually change or do anything.

"He doesn't like to read much" == He doesn't care about you enough to become educated in what he needs to do to be a good husband to you.

These are the only ones that have been an issue lately.

Both of you are attempting to manipulate each other's FEELINGS. Knock it off, Anointed. I needed my H to put an EP in our marriage of no overnight travel. He didn't WANT to, but tough cookies! I didn't care if he wanted to, I only cared that he DID. I wouldn't have a marriage with overnight travel anyway, so what difference did it make if he was enthusiastic about it at first? There was nothing to work with without that step--you should try to get your brain around that in your marriage. Your wavering on EPs, your need to have him 'want to' is going to end your marriage anyway, may as well get over that and play hard, here.

Make the issue the EPs and the Policy of Joint Agreement.

You need him to keep these practices. They are the practices of good marriages everywhere. They are not punishment for an affair. I have never had an affair, and I still follow EPs. Dr. Harley and Joyce have never had an affair, and they still follow EPs.

You need these things, and they are nonnegotiable. You don't have to bring up the affair to say that.

It doesn't matter if he thinks it is a threat or not. What matters is that it is not possible for you to continue to live like this, so you just say that.

What should that be? I want to have a marriage ministry to help others using MB. Is that Just Compensation. He want to do it too but won't be transparent about our past.

When I say this he instantly says I'm threatening to leave the marriage. He is one tough cookie, and I'm getting very worn out.

I'm so upset by the turn that my thread has taken that I just don't know what to do with myself. I am very strong, and I have been ready to walk if needed for so very long. I just never thought it was needed I guess.

Now that I can see your point, I'm beside myself.

He is such a great man. I am devastated.

Anointed,

Dr. Harley takes a little bit of flack for this, but his position is that since a marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care and extraordinary protection, that if those things are lacking, there is not a marriage.

You are expressing a commitment to a relationship that you are calling "marriage," but in this relationship your husband was unfaithful, he has continued to live in ways that are dangerous for you and for the relationship, he is unwilling to take the position that since he is married he has to consider his wife and not just do anything he wants to do.

In short, as long as he takes that position, he is a single man.

Let me remind you, Anointed, that nowhere in the Bible does God call for commitment to a marriage that is 100% unconditional. There are conditions that break the marriage, such as an affair. We want you guys to be able to build a marriage again. A real marriage, where both of you consider and care for and protect the other. And you want that, too, and have shown it. But as long as your husband goes ahead and does what he wants instead of considering you, he is showing that he does not want this.

If you are 100% committed to your marriage, then draw your line in the sand and say "This is a marriage, that is not, I insist that this be a MARRIAGE, because I am 100% committed to MARRIAGE. We live with each other by invitation only, and if you are not interested in having a MARRIAGE with me, then I cannot continue to live like this."

Have you read the articles Prisca posted?

And like I said, it doesn't matter if he thinks that or not. So he said something that doesn't matter, so shrug it off.

You've already said it, so no need to say it again, Anointed. You've already put him on notice you can't continue to live like this.

Now you need to refuse to continue to live like this.

Just Compensation is:
1) extraordinary precautions to keep your marriage safe from an affair, and
2) the restoration of romantic love

Neither one of those has happened, as far as I can see.

And then what? Smile and go about my day? Then Plan A/B? Then what?

We've had many of these types of conversations throughout the years. If it were my husband, he would probably say my not meeting his need for SF all these years has been his biggest concern (he said so this afternoon).

Could he say all of this to me as well?

Yes, I did. I guess I'm getting conflicting answers. I don't know what the action looks like based on my situation. I love him. I want him to know how much I love him. I want to stand firm for what is right without destroying my life and my kids' lives. What does this look like specifically? Pregnant?

((hugs))
If it helps, I know how you feel. Been there.

Remember, this doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage. Focus on protecting yourself. You've got a baby on the way, and you have no time for his games.

You can do this. You've got the strength to.