Is this what you're talking about opt?
Personal History questionnaire

that
that would be the one, brain. you are just so efficient. thanks for everything.
opt

Thanks Brain and OPT...things have been getting better each week since my last post. I have a feeling thats a trend on here. We got rid of our cable and have been spending more time together. I am really focusing on cutting out my own IB which I didn't realize I was doing in certain areas. I've also been working on radical honesty with her.

I think we are going to wait till next year to put our house up for sale. I don't think rushing through the process of house selling would be helpful. We have kids so we are taking that into consideration as well. I just have to keep doing all the right things everyday.

Great to hear it Phoenix!
I'd like to know more about how things are better. I think spendign more time together is so crucial because (especially with your histories...) it's a good way to build trust with each other.
How are you meeting her needs? Have you identified her specific EN's? Have you continued to eliminate LBs? Are you using POJA ("what are your thoughts on....?"). [POJA is great for IB, by the way -- it's hard to do IB if you are using POJA]. How much UA time per week (with RC, Intimate Conversation, etc)?

--Phoenix, when you post here, do you do it in full view?...I can imagine working on a computer would be a scary trigger for your wife...

Not sure how you pulled off the eliminating cable but what a boost that is going to be for your family and your marriage. I personally guarantee it as I have had very little tv in the house for 2.5 years (it always seems to have problems and I am very unmotivated to fix it, we only have basic, and I got rid of all but one t.v. the day after the separation). My kids don't really seem to miss it and we do a lot of things together that we probably wouldn't otherwise. I miss some sports, but it's a small price to pay. Last night D16 came in with a friend to watch the yankees/redsox and the box was not working so guess what? they listened to it on the radio! What a concept!

Anyway, I also like that you are using a lot of RA. It might be frightening for both of you but ultimately I believe the sense of intimacy increases as you know more and more about each other; things you wouldn't share with anyone else except a lifelong partner.

post when you can 20, and I'm glad things are turning around. It's a big ship, so be patient.

opt

How much UA are you actually getting? What are you doing during that time?

Without 15 hrs of UA, you can throw this program out the window.

20,
I agree with BH that a couple of the basic concepts are essential for the success of the program. POJA, UA, they are at the core.
I also have come to the recognition that this program takes time to learn implement, practice, master, and then re-tool as you go along. All worth it, but not always easy.
With the need for time comes the need for patience.

The best thing is that none of the efforts put into learning the concepts and implementing them into your own life could possibly be anything but beneficial. I've come to believe in this program through trial and error and real introspection into my past and the troubles I've run into can almost always be run up against lack of adnherance to the concepts here (dishonesty, lack of UA). Sure I didn't know waht any of it was at the time, but with an honest look-back, it does reveal some truths.

Anyway, I was going to say that I have now been using the program with someone who is 100% for it and has been learning along with me. For about a year. And we still have our struggles, so that says it's not easy (and we're both pretty smart, so it's not due to incapability, lol). However, what a refresshing year (and a half) it's been; there is SO LITTLE drama, using these concepts. If there's a question about something, you just ask, respectfully. And if there's something on your mind you just say it, resepctfully. And if you want to do something you POJA it, respectfully; often coming up with a better idea than you had in the first place. You never do something you don't like because it's not encouraged; nor does your spouse.

There's no need for heated conversations because you use the friends of good conversation. You dont' ahve AO's or have to worry about the other person AOing you! and you dont' have to worry about being harmed by a DJ and you never have to feel bad after using an DJ...because you don't do it! There is so much more intimacy and trust and caring in a MB relationship it's really remarkable. That people sometimes don't want to get it.... I find that amazing.

opt

Another fantastic post, opt. Thanks.

20, are you still there?

Why, thank you Brain! I know my grammar gets sloppy from time to time. It's just because I'm in a hurry, but I know what I want to say, so hopefully my point gets accross.

[I believe 20 is frequenting the site a little less, hopefully in an effort to spend more time with the family and concentrate on implementing the tools he's learned. ]

However, I was going to say, Phoenix, that I believe that when you are comfortable, I think posting to others would be very helpful to you. It would be great if you and your wife could post together, or perhaps pick a thread that is similar to your situation and see if you can come up with some guidance for the person. I believe teaching is the best way to learn and you have enough knowledge to start it. Again, it would be great to have your wife on board so she isn't excluded and it wouldn't be independent behavior.

that was a thought I had.

opt