Also, have you heard of Dr. Harley's daily radio show:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/

You can listen on your phone or online, and you can access old shows in the archives and listen to them.

Dr. Harley talks about these two problems (angry outbursts, and time together for undivided attention) frequently on his show. If you could both get to listening to this show daily, it would really help you start to see what serious problems these are and start thinking about solutions. Maybe your husband can listen while he is working on something else.

If you could go help him work on the house while your parents keep an eye on your sleeping children (really, kids under 9 should be in bed at 8pm anyway), that would give you time together working toward a shared and challenging goal, which will create intimacy.

Can you do that? Even if you can do no more than hand tools and clean up, I think it would help you each to see the other as a partner rather than an adversary.

Then when you get home, listen to the program online and discuss it in bed!

Work on moving that bedtime back to 8. Kids will adjust to an enforced bedtime. Remember, you are in charge, not them, and the new bedtime is not a punishment, but a gift for the entire family.

Dr. Harley actually specifically says not to count time spent after 11 pm, because most of us are too tired after that to enjoy ourselves or be enjoyable to be with.

Thanks gloveoil. I always knew this in my head but I rationalized that babies need to come first short term. The problem is we kept having babies

I am willing to start prioritizing our relationship and I will broach the subject with my Dh when he is talking to me again. He is withdrawn right now. I figure it has something to do with his plans for a movie might being thwarted by kids a couple days ago. I got the oldest ones in bed too late while he did the other kid.can't read his mind but all I know is he wants space from me right now. I think.

I really appreciate your post. I have gone over it a few times because there is a lot that relates to me in there.

Cwmi the kids are in bed by 8 usually except for the baby who is still getting regulated. All the kids started going to bed around 7 by the time they were 1 but she is not there yet (9 monthd)Probably because we schlepp her around everywhere and she has no nap routine.

The idea to go help him work is great except our new house is 25 mins away so evenings wouldn't work. I would just be getting there and he would be leaving. I am going to go out this weekend with him if I can get babysitting. Your right that we need to feel more like partners in this endeavor.

Markos I downloaded the radio app so I will try to listen to it daily. Planning to play it while I put baby to bed tonight. Thanks for the reminder.

Your right melody lane. He would much rather go out with me in the evening. He likes showing me off when I look good but lately I have been really letting myself go. I have two shirts I keep cycling through and 2 pants. To be fair one is Lu Lu lemon and he does like them quite a bit I need to do better in that department. Probably wearing the same shirt for two days ( and nights) straight is an annoying habit. A little embarrassed to admit that!

Here's another good clip.
Radio clip on how we get back to the way we were when we were first married

Glove oil it's true that I shouldn't assume. He just got back from work and says he is depressed with the fact that we are living here. He says he doesn't need gifts( I got him some food he likes yesterday) but " maybe if I clean the house instead of going out with the kids..." our basement is a disorganized mess that I have avoided for a long time. I will try to work on it. I asked him not to check out of life and be hostile to me. He gets angry and cold when he is depressed.

Am I just supposed to plan a him while he is like this? How do I get my needs met? It's just as hard on me living this way and 100x worse when he acts like this.

Why not get your husband listening, too?

I am going to repeat this:

And here is an article from Dr. Harley that I think would be very good for you guys:

When should you tell your spouse, "We have a problem."

So if your DH would like you to clean up the basement. What is your plan to accomplish this?

Also please read this. The Giver and Taker

If your weight is bothering you and you guys struggle with UA, I cannot recommend enough working out together as UA time. We do it, and we love it! Many gyms offer childcare (as well as video games for older kids). We turned our mutual love of fitness into a serious hobby and it brings us to other cities competing, etc. (with grandma babysitting of course!)

Brainhurts and Markos thanks for the links. The giver and taker was an eye opener for me because I didn't realize the giver needed balancing too. That is really interesting.
I spent some time cleaning up today. He actually was totally pleasant after we talked last night. I'm sure it helped that I was calm and non defensive.

We talked at the house today( kids at grandmas). He " probably wouldn't" listen to the marriage builders radio but I will install the app for him and ask again if he would listen on the way to or from house. He doesvt feel there is a problem with our marriage but I just kept saying I want to set the bar high and have an excellent marriage , not just a good marriage. He thinks we hage to wait till we move to have time. I told him we need to work in it now so it's not insurmountable after we move. I asked if we could at least spend an hr a day off computer and tv. I don't know if it is wrong to start slow but he isn't on board yet with 15 + hrs.

I will see what I can eke out this week for us and see if I can make our time together really fun to encourage more.

Very appreciative of the input I am getting here btw- thank you for taking the time to help us.

Make it the BEST part of his week (and yours).

Another good thing to say is "I have a problem."

Sit down and schedule the UA time.

I was on the radio show!!! Very exciting. It was amazing to get an answer to a question I had and see all the areas we can make improvement.

I feel like it will be easier to get my husband on board with marriage builders principles once he listens to the broadcast. Wasn't expecting even an email back and to be able to actually discuss our issue with the Harleys was amazing.

Have been lurking a lot still. Waiting to pull trigger on UA time when we are moved in a couple of months. DH is not on board with taking time away from finishing the house at this point and neither am I for that matter. I want it done as fast as possible so our family can be whole again.

Two huge points from show for me: can't just do things on my own if DH not on board- I tend to barrel ahead without him. Also great point- if one sps is not agreeable with something then the onus is on that sps to work hard at solutions that would make them agreeable. Lots more I got from the program but I am excited for my DH to listen and see if we can implement some of their suggestions. Excited to stop arguing and start negotiating.

Thanks again to this board for all the help you offer so freely. The high standards for marriage and truth are what I need and I learn so much from reading the posts here.