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, what is the first step to recovery...which program from MB should we enroll? I would sign up for the online program. They will assign you a coach who guides you through the weekly lessons. It is an invaluable program that has transformed many marriages around here. It is immensely better than marriage counseling and much cheaper over all. The program lasts a year.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have children? Did you tell them? Also this will help with the memories. Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We havent intentionaly told them but the OM spouse texted me WWs phone with a pretty explcit message involving the affair...unfoetuantly my middle aged child saw it and said....your business is your business mom....i feel terrible...this was one of my only fears of exposing to the OM wife....any advise on how to handle...also i feel so worn down...poly is scheduled in 2 days..i'm not reallu that thrilled anymore...words just blab out of my wifes mouth and i'm tired, run down and hardly care because she has feeded me so much bull@#$..i feel if one reason i could just leave her is not cor the actually affair, but what she put me through to this point...i'm almost convinced that if somebody goes to this extent to do this to another human and extreme measures my WW MUST have developed feelings for this OM and maybe just wants to put pn the record in the end that she came clean and now can decide who she wants to devote herself too....
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Yes from the exposure 101 thread we posted to you. Please tell them the truth. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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....any advise on how to handle... The best thing to do is sit the children down and tell them all about the affair. This is very much their business. Her affair almost wrecked their family so it is important they know what their mother has done. They also should be told the OM's name so they can identify the enemy of their family. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. And please don't despair about your marriage. Your wife does have feelings for the OM. But her feelings for you can be re-created using this program. You can create a happy, fulfilled, passionate marriage. I know that seems unrealistic today, but it really is possible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We havent intentionaly told them but the OM spouse texted me WWs phone with a pretty explcit message involving the affair...unfoetuantly my middle aged child saw it and said....your business is your business mom....i feel terrible...this was one of my only fears of exposing to the OM wife....any advise on how to handle...also i feel so worn down...poly is scheduled in 2 days..i'm not reallu that thrilled anymore...words just blab out of my wifes mouth and i'm tired, run down and hardly care because she has feeded me so much bull@#$..i feel if one reason i could just leave her is not cor the actually affair, but what she put me through to this point...i'm almost convinced that if somebody goes to this extent to do this to another human and extreme measures my WW MUST have developed feelings for this OM and maybe just wants to put pn the record in the end that she came clean and now can decide who she wants to devote herself too.... Exposing to the children is essential! Everyone must know. All children over the age of four must know. I know your feelings must be overwhelming, but it isn't practical to make emotionally-based decisions right now. Because your emotions will go up and down all the time. See your doc about anti depressants if you are really struggling. In the meantime stick to your plan and that involves FULL exposure. Tell the kids the truth.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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i'm not reallu that thrilled anymore...words just blab out of my wifes mouth and i'm tired, run down and hardly care because she has feeded me so much bull@#$..i feel if one reason i could just leave her is not cor the actually affair, but what she put me through to this point...i'm almost convinced that if somebody goes to this extent to do this to another human and extreme measures my WW MUST have developed feelings for this OM and maybe just wants to put pn the record in the end that she came clean and now can decide who she wants to devote herself too.... Don't look for logic in what a wayward does! She hurt you because she's an addict who checked out of her brain as soon as she allowed someone else to meet her needs and became addicted to that. She's trickle truthed you and that is enormously traumatic. Being told constant lies is like having oil poured under under your car wheels. You're no longer on solid ground and are just waiting for the next lie to send you spinning out of control. The plan allows her to make just compensation with the truth, a poly, if she is serious. The plan also insists she go through withdrawal from her drug and build up a lovebank within the marriage. Remember that you have a plan!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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KG-
Ive missed a few days on your thread, youve done a nice job exposing.
1. Regarding intimacy with a WW and visions. Seems tough to imagine now but the visions get less and less. As you move into recovery actions, you need to lay out conditions that she'll need to meet. These are you EN (emotional needs). Up on the right hand side of this screen you'll find a link to details on ENs. In my list I asked for a sexual revolution of sorts in my bedroom. She never waivered, protested, or said one word about that item. And, without details, every session since has made us closer as a couple and further from the person she was.
2. Kids knowing about the A. The OMW called my house with the details of the evidence she found of my wife and her husband. She was hysterical when she called and my daughter picked up the other line. It was in that instant my 11 y.o. learned what a BJ is. My wife's cross to bear. ANYHOO, it has been my ability to forgive, my incredible job as hero, and, for sure, my wife's commitment to me and her self improvment over the last year that we dont believe theres any lingering mental trauma for my D or little boy.
You have gotten a tremendous amount of great advice. The fact that youre still here after learning the dirty details is a very good sign.
Someone once told me 'you won, she chose you'. When I got negged out, I pulled that line out of the hat and it helped. Still does today.
Last edited by MikeStillSmiling; 07/07/12 07:48 AM.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Things are getting bad and not a tone of hope at this point..Poly is s hediled for tomorrow. I have basically told my WW that i vowed to stay marriws to her by giving her this chance for "just compensation" of the truth with the poly. I kmow she is humiliated by it but is definetly in proper agreement to now take it. Ww is at work and kids have been put at ease until wife and i can talk to them together. NC has yet to be sent but will do...WW is offended by msome of the questions I have included on poly. I told her she brought those thoughts to the table because of this affair. Any suggestions...
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Kgaa, I would tell the kids without h there. I think they will feel more free to ask questions if she is not there. They can talk to her later.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What questions is she offended by?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If they traveled out of town and stayed overnkght in a hotel together? If they had a PA at our home or his....claiming all but one time was always in a vehicle...if PA ever occured in a bed since WW claim is that PA took place once on LR floor at nrothers home. WW feels that she has divulged ALL and the poly will show thatt...also she was broight back that i placed the question as to if their has been other affairs during our marriage? She adimatley denies. I dont know what to beleive ONLY because she has lead me down this path to make these assumtions that would normally be irrational to ask any married person. I hpoe she is telling the truth...she has the bulk of the questions i want asked for poly tomorrow..she doesnt seem worried at all...i've told her i love her as the woman prior to this affair and pending the results of the polyam commited to work with her in the goal of repairing our marriage....
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If they traveled out of town and stayed overnkght in a hotel together? If they had a PA at our home or his....claiming all but one time was always in a vehicle...if PA ever occured in a bed since WW claim is that PA took place once on LR floor at nrothers home. WW feels that she has divulged ALL and the poly will show thatt...also she was broight back that i placed the question as to if their has been other affairs during our marriage? She adimatley denies. I dont know what to beleive ONLY because she has lead me down this path to make these assumtions that would normally be irrational to ask any married person. I hpoe she is telling the truth...she has the bulk of the questions i want asked for poly tomorrow..she doesnt seem worried at all...i've told her i love her as the woman prior to this affair and pending the results of the polyam commited to work with her in the goal of repairing our marriage....
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Those seem like pretty reasonable questions to me. After all, the goal is to ease your mind and if those are the right questions, then those are the right questions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't like this attitude where she is trying to influence what questions are asked.
If you have fears some stuff happened and they did NOT, you'd think she'd be delighted that she had the chance to prove that.
In what kind of crazy world is it less shameful to betray your vows in a car than a hotel?
She sounds totally fogged out.Any questions that make her uncomfortable are even more important to delve into. Why would they make her uncomforatble if they didn't happen?
I'd stand very firm and watch for moodiness and manipulation on her part re certain qs or the poly in general. I'd say something like you aren't interested in giving her this chance unless she's enthusiastic about answering all your qs in full.
She doesn't get to dictate what your fears and concerns are. She just has to heal them with the truth.
I'd be astonished if she sits it and passes while she still has this whiney attitude.
I'd say there is probably still more truth she should spill.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Id say she doesnt have a whinny attitude at this point....last couple days...the general and she only said it once or twice was that some of the questions...like have you neen faithful prior to this...was she wanted some credit for the good time frame of our marriage and she says it was difficult to even let the grusome details of the time and places that PA's did happen...let alone to think there was more...I say maybe there is more but i need to know 100%...also she has been on this site...i told her very early on that i was on this site in order to get advise.....i would like to delete the post thus far....i have neen blessed with this help and will return to the programs pending a good poly result....any help with deleting the post would be helpful......,
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BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Id say she doesnt have a whinny attitude at this point....last couple days...the general and she only said it once or twice was that some of the questions...like have you neen faithful prior to this...was she wanted some credit for the good time frame of our marriage and she says it was difficult to even let the grusome details of the time and places that PA's did happen...let alone to think there was more...I say maybe there is more but i need to know 100%...also she has been on this site...i told her very early on that i was on this site in order to get advise.....i would like to delete the post thus far....i have neen blessed with this help and will return to the programs pending a good poly result....any help with deleting the post would be helpful......,
Last edited by JustUss; 07/14/12 12:05 PM. Reason: note removed
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My wife of 16 years just had affair after sixteen years of marriage. I had a previous post on here explaining the extent of the affair when my wife was in the stage of hiding the true details of her affair. She eventually after weeks of preassure and talking came clean with all the details i could handle..I relied on the site heavily to deal with this tragdey in our life and thank all who have helped. She took and PASSED a polygraph today and I feel we our ready for our next step..I HURT just looking and thinking she was with this other man, but also know that things will improve over time and with the help of MB. This is what I accomplished thus far... 1. Discovered the affair and inveatigated to find out as many details as possible. 2. Listened to my WW trickle the truth until all was revealed. Confirmed her word with a polygraph exam. 3. EXPOSED the affair to wife of affair partner, my parents. Wife of other man I know has exposed affair to his parents. WW coworker knows as well as my brother. Exposing is still occuring. Here is the question I have for those with advise.....WW received a text message from other wife that was explicit about her affair. My 12yo daughter saw the text and said "your business is your business mom"...what i read nefore was that children she be told of affair my BS without WW presnt. I plan on doing this this evening as my three daughters know something is going on with all the stress she seen in both of us. How do i expose this to them and should i include my 8yo? How far do i go with the details of who it was and the extent of it? I want this to help my wife by seeing how this affair affects the people she loves but at the same time dont want her to lose the relationship she has with them for ever. Also what program should we use for our situation that is going to be best for our marriage?? Thanks again....
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