Where ya at HH?

Whew, just got done with the first part of my 11 hour exam. Such a drain! Finish up the last 1/3 tomorrow :crosses fingers:

Anyways, thanks for all the replies, I appreciate them a ton. ML, BR, Markos and Prisca have been especially helpful.

I'm a little more upbeat today, yesterday my wife and I went to our MC individually. I saw him for an hour, she saw him for 2 hours. She was infinitely more engaged with me throughout the rest of the day and happier with me as well, breathe of fresh air. Since when did I become this horrible, detestable person to be around? Sure I'm selfish, myopic and thoughtless at times, but what Male isn't? I think I'm a pretty good guy, so that felt nice. She even gave me a hug for the first time in weeks when I left for my test.

I guess I've just come to the conclusion to BE STILL. I saw that thread somewhere on BE STILL and it's tantamount. Even though her affair was not my fault, I still have to live with the consequences of it, and I'm willing to because I do love her and want her to be truly happy.

I guess that's why I don't consider the affair 'REAL'. Sure the feelings were REAL, being twitterpatted or infatuated with someone initially is absolutely real. But it's not genuine, it's not REAL in the sense that it's love. It can't be that, because love isn't that thoughtless, selfish or careless.

Markos your posts have resonated the most with me in terms of what to expect and how to go about that from a preparing myself psychological to go through this process.

BR your ideas will definitely be consulted here going forward to try and implement them.

And ML, you're totally right, I just need to enjoy this next month and be as positive an influence on her life that I can be. Hopefully, she'll defog sooner than later out of her current state. I think the reason she's so disenchanted with me, is the OM and her got close by 'consoling' each other on the problems in their respective marriages. Habitually focus on the negatives allows one to only see the negatives. After months of this no wonder she thinks I'm 'repulsive'(much less so today than 4 months ago). I can't change her, I can't make her feel anything, I can't make her do anything. But I can make myself as lovable as possible and keep working on my side of the street and keeping praying to God to work a mighty miracle in our relationship. That's all I can control, which sucks, but that's where I'm at.

So what's your plan to meet her EN until you have to leave?

Here's that thread for you.
Betrayed Spouses........just be still

I'll meet the ones she'll allow me to meet, those being FC, FS, and DS. I'm being OH with her on the IC we have and I'm striving to pay her genuine compliments on the things she does then just go out and have fun on the lake(RC) and with her family during the reunions with her when we're not taking care of the babies.

I THINK her 5 top Emotional needs are:

1) Affection
2) Recreation Companionship
3) Open And Honest
4) Admiration
5) Family Commitment/Spiritual Leader

I could be wrong, but that's my guess based on how I know her I kinda smirk when she says SF is her top need. It's never been that before the affair, I hope it is, but I don't necessarily believe her. Like Dr. Harley says, a need for SF usually predates the relationship and is often pre-mediated with fantasies. I don't think she's ever fantasized about SF particularly prior to our relationship.

Are you in the military?

Yes. I have training for 5 weeks in August.

Thank you for your service.

So what's your plan to stay connected with your wife as much as possible?

My pleasure, I look forward to the next 4 years in the service. It's either gonna make or break us as a family now, but I'm going to have to think that what doesn't kill us is only going to make us stronger. I believe we will be stronger for it. And I'm glad to have the opportunity and skills to serve our great Nation.

I think following much of the list that BR listed out is a great start for a plan during those 5 weeks. I just got home from my exam. DONE!!!! Now I just hope I passed and I can move forward with my life and family.

Right now things seem as good as they've been all year. 2012 has basically sucked for me between finishing school, all the changes from moving, starting my military career, and then THIS. While I LOVE LOVE LOVE my twins, they are so much work and so difficult. Having the emotional drain of this affair and my wife throwing the word divorce around every so often, then the physical demanding nature of the twins I'm EXHAUSTED all the way around. Honestly, I can't believe all that I've accomplished this year. I've been stretched thinner than I ever have, and yet, I'm able to do it. I barely sleep still, partly from the twins, but mostly, I've realized I've suffered from a lot of the symptoms of PTSD, particularly the vigilante in me right now. It's not as strong, but it's still there for sure.

I can't believe how much I've learned and grown through all this though. I SEE the silver lining in all this, but sometimes I just get SOOOO pissed off. I'm really pissed today that I have to one day FORGIVE the OM. I HAVE to do it....ONE DAY, not today, because of my Faith, I know I can and I know I will, but it won't be today, though some days are better than others in that dept. I don't know how much I can until my marriage IS restored, until I have MY wife back, not just the roommate that helps take care of the Kids.

I guess I'm just really frustrated right now. I'm not having a single emotional NEED of mine met right now outside of MAYBE Domestic Support, and even then I contribute there more than most Husbands do, in fact, I will nearly guarantee that I am more in tune to helping around the house, and with the Kids than the VAST majority of husbands, so even then, that need is being met by my wife in many ways, I'm still right there with her contributing and having the twins has a LOT to do with it, there's a LOT to go around.

But the Counselor asked me what was my #1 need right now that wasn't being met. And I realized, it's not even SF right now. It's SECURITY. I have none, even when things are supposedly 'good', the insecurity, the rejection the feeling of abandonment is still there. I'm looking for SECURITY right now. If I got that, then I would at least be having a MAJOR need of mine being met, but I can't even get that. I didn't marry and have 3 kids to divorce and start all over 8 years later. I married to be a father and husband to my family forever. I WANT that responsibility. I just keep wondering why? Why I'm not enough? What's so wrong with me that I wasn't enough? I look back and I do see problems that need fixing, but I wasn't ever unwilling to try and fix things, I wasn't ever not committed to my family. Why would she quit like that? And why can't she re-commit? I mean I KNOW the answers in my head, but in my heart they remain unanswered. It's just so baffling and troubling to me to not get it and to feel second rate when I've given nearly all that I have and knew how to give to my family at that time. Sorry for the rambling vent, I think I just needed to get that out. /vent

I'm really feeling lousy today. I think it's because of the poor night's sleep. I'm working hard and keeping busy(just taking a 15 minute break right now) and just can't get past my thoughts and feelings today. I know I want my marriage to last, I know I love my wife and family. My wife has been more thoughtful, happy and sweet towards me than she ever has since D-Day, but I haven't felt this empty and lonely in a LONG time. I just can't get over the lack of physical affection or lack of SF. There just comes a point in time where it's just completely necessary, yet my wife won't touch me, she won't even change her clothes in front me of me and that just adds so much insult to injury emotionally for me. I don't want to quit, but I feel like I'm running on an empty emotional tank. I feel like I've tried everything within my power to move towards a more successful recovery, but I can't make her do anything at this point. I just don't feel the energy or willpower to try today. It's one thing to ignorantly not fulfill your spouses LB$, it's entirely another to be capable of doing it, know how to do and but choose not to do it. Some of these days are just impossible turmoil within myself. I know it won't last, in fact, I'll probably feel better in a couple hours, but all morning long I just couldn't shake these feelings, no matter how hard I try, they're just lingering and it's upsetting.

I believe youre supposed to lay out a time frame for milestone points in recovery for her to achieve. And if almost 7 weeks since you signed on (not sure when your dday was) and say youre still feeling insecure and a few other of your most critical ENs are being unmet, they where exactly are you?

Youre leaving very soon HH and she'll be home without you.

It's been about 4 months since D-day and 2 months since no-contact.

She's definitely warming up more, but it's SOOO fricking slow. Care to share an example of what you went through in terms of the timeline you're referring to?

Today was a tough day again, I kinda snapped out of it a lot of the way this evening, but I've never been so apathetic towards this process as I was today. I just didn't care. I didn't want to try today, I even felt like quitting(and I might be the most persistent sucker on the planet.) I just didn't have anything left in the tank, luckily her family started to arrive for the reunion and I was able to kick the funk during the afternoon, but those feels scared me quite frankly. The more I tried to push them away, the more I tried to focus on the positive the more intense they were. I really wanted to inflict physical harm on the POSOM. I can't stand that I KNOW she's still concerned for him and yet I feel less concern from her, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I feel like I'm only here with her right now because she couldn't do this to the kids. I want to matter to her the way I ought to matter to her as a husband. I'm tired of being emotionally AND physically drained. I am just really sick and tired of being in a M.I.N.O. (marriage in name only) right now. I hate the ambivalence of this whole process. I know we can get past that, but this sucks. This is a turdburger for sure to be married and not have a wife.

Hopeful Hubby I have not kept up on your thread, but it sounds to me like you are near the end of your rope. What have you been advised about Plan B?

The stuff you listed above that are bothering you today bothered me since i started reading your thread. I think shes waiting out your imminent departure andyou will be out of sight and mind.

I think you need to make an offensive in this thing before you go. A solid plan b rollout.

Feeling a lot better today. I think Church always helps with that. Plan B is kinda already etched in stone thanks to the United States Military, I have a non-negotiable 5 week absence in August.

Today at church my wife was just a lot more engaged towards me. More eye contact, genuine warm smiles, lots of innocent touches, she even purposefully moved to sit closer to me(not sure if that was to maintain appearances or not) but at this point, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and accept it. Overall I just felt a sense of warmth from her which was nice.

She smelt GREAT today too. And she's always beautiful(I've always told her make-up is optional for her beauty), but when she makes herself up she's a knock-out! Just having a MUCH better day today overall.

The other guy is out of the picture. I know for a fact he's saving face with his wife right now. I heard from the horse's mouth that she's going to reconcile her marriage with him and a mutual friend established that he was BEGGING her to take him back. (What a pathetic waste of life). And for some reason my wife 'believes' his sincerity and honesty towards her. That still frustrates me to this day. He lied to his wife, church leaders, family, yet he never lied to you? RIGHT!!!! How can you be so gullible on this issue? She is so much smarter than this. Affair's make people stupid.

Thats not Plan B, friend, that is just a temporary separation!

Have you read the book, Surviving an Affair?

Yes, I gotta give plan A a minimum of Six Month in my opinion, and that's going to have to include that temporary separation.

Would it be beneficial for me(or the counselor)to suggest to my wife to read SAA, HNHN, LBS or FILSIL books at this point? I've read the first 3, not FILSIL(though the principles look the same as on the website).

If so which ones would be most beneficial? In what order? The affairs been over for over 2 months now, and d-day was over 4 months ago. I'm afraid if I suggest SAA to her again that it's just going to re-hash a lot of the past that we've progressed from(even if I only view it as a little), I don't want to re-hash those things we've moved on from.

Decipher this for more. My wife was asking me how I was feeling, she really truly sincerely wanted to know how I was actually feeling tonight. That she wanted me to be open and honest, because if she can't know how I feel unless I tell her. So I told her. I told her I missed her. I missed her as my wife. I was telling her how rejected I felt, how every time she goes into the bathroom to change, it's a reminder to me. A reminder of the A, a reminder of our deterioration of our relationship. She told me the reason she does it is because she feels like we need to 'court' each other again. She wants it to be 'natural' that we just meet each others needs. That she doesn't want us us to get into that 'rut' again where we just see each other naked or are just having sex. Where we take each other for granted. To me it felt like she wanted to me telepathic to her needs, that if she has to tell me what they are then it's not natural. That I should just know what to do. I'm so frustrated. The conversation went from how I felt to how I need to meet her needs without knowing what her needs are specifically. She said if I wasn't closed off(I had my arms folded) she would have held my hand tonight(LIKE I'M SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT?) I mean she won't even hold my hand during a prayer. I can't give her a hug. She said, do you want me to give you a hug if I don't mean it?

It's this whole NATURAL talk that bothers me. Recovering from an affair IS NOT NATURAL!!!!! "NATURAL COUPLES" don't cheat! I just think these are unrealistic expectations placed on me.

She gave me an example of when she needed me emotionally speaking. When we were making plans for after school was over(mind you she was pregnant with twins at the time) She felt like I got excited and didn't take her feelings into consideration. However, I have a hard time with this specific example specific this was weeks AFTER her affair got physical.

She said she just doesn't want to continue and feeling unfulfilled. I don't want her to either, but I don't think I can fulfill things that I don't know need to be filled, and I don't think this process is going to be 'natural' by any stretch of the imagination.