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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
OMW will be as rightly convinced that her husband is being set up by a woman whose history shows she was engaged in this type of behaviour before.

How would OMW know anything about WW's history? That doesn't get disclosed for that exact reason. Nothing in the letter says anything about another OM and shouldn't. The point is to give OMW enough info to think hmmmmmm.

Quote
And then this whole situation degrades to a "he said/she said" unsolvable mess.

Seeds will be planted. Right now there is no hard proof and never will be with this guy but at least OMW has been exposed to. If she chooses to stick her head in the sand and think a complete stranger has nothing better to do then send her that letter...well that's on her. I wouldn't argue with the woman. She may never contact Lunchdate but she's been given a clue to ck stuff out. I don't know many people who wouldn't think to at least have a look around. With enough detail, it would be hard to ignore.

I exposed with limited info...I had no hard proof for BH!#1 until he responded to my exposure email...wheels set in motion and then the big nukes followed.

Last edited by black_raven; 07/11/12 04:54 PM. Reason: typos

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I really do not doubt whether I have the facts about her past behavoi
Originally Posted by Gamma
LunchDate,

Perhaps before you do anything, you need to get a polygraph for your W to determine what else she is hiding.

Is your W's business one where cheating is just part of the culture?

God Bless
Gamma


I really do not doubt that I have the facts about my wife'e past behavior. I just have a hard time separating what she did from who she is. I have a hard time being attracted to someone who can betray her family so grotesquely.

I would say her industry has a culture of affairs. You do not have to participate to succeed but you would not be cast out for having an affair.

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Originally Posted by LunchDate
It seems men say I should confront the man and the women say I should inform the wife. I think that confronting the man would serve my personal purpose. It may even be why my wife told me so I could defend her.

Maybe your personal purpose to be a defender but OMW never gets notified which was the whole point of your thread. You still aren't exposing then...just keeping it quiet still. OM may not be scared off. A BW can be a lot scarier lol.

Or your wife gave you just enough about her meetings with this guy so you'd believe it was enough and drop it.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by LunchDate
Originally Posted by black_raven
ETA: You should ask the mods to move your thread to SAA where you will get more traffic. Until you have the truth, this isn't Recovery.


I do not see what truth I am missing. I am guessing you are eluding that Mr Sleaze may be a current affair or was more than I knew. Mr Sleaze obviously enjoyed my wife enough that he would like to keep trying. My wife does not have energy to do anything but be a great wife in order to keep me in this marriage. Our home and family take a lot of work from both of us.

Yes I am saying there may be more than you know with Mr Sleaze. If you are willing to forgo possible knowledge of more with this guy, that is your choice. If you no longer want to inform the OMW, that is your choice.

I have seen too many people regret not exposing or confirming they have the complete truth and it eats at them but it is your choice. It makes R harder and leaves a window of opportunity for the OP to come back into the picture later because the other BS doesn't know.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by LunchDate
NeverGuessed,

I agree. I have no hard evidence. Just what my wife (the cheater that she is) has disclosed to me.

So what would you say to OM?

If it was reversed and it was your WW hitting on OM, would you want to be informed?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Ladies, if I send a note and she never contacts me how do I know that Mr. Sleazy got the message? Do I do what one poster recommended and send the note to Mrs. Sleazy and later confront Mr. Sleazy?

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How would OMW know anything about WW's history?

Wrong question. The issue would be, very quickly, how much of FWW's history scumbucket knows.

Here's the scenario:

LD exposes to OMW. OMW tells OM what has been revealed. OM immediately says, "That crazy slut? She's been caught doing this before, and only told LD that I was coming on to her because I would have nothing to do with HER!"

Bingo - impasse!

BUT....assuming Mrs LD has given LD the true story, LD getting in OM's face, telling him in very strict terms to keep away, would be strengthened by LD and OM both working off the same knowledge base.

And, oh btw, Dr Harley came down recently to the effect that BH should vigorously confront OM. Right, BH? (Hint, hint....)

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
How would OMW know anything about WW's history?

Wrong question. The issue would be, very quickly, how much of FWW's history scumbucket knows.

Here's the scenario:

LD exposes to OMW. OMW tells OM what has been revealed. OM immediately says, "That crazy slut? She's been caught doing this before, and only told LD that I was coming on to her because I would have nothing to do with HER!"

Bingo - impasse!

Yes that can happen but I still like to give people a little more credit than that. Some people will or WANT to resist the truth no matter what. OMW could be such a person...we have no idea. But me (and many, many others) would give some pause and wonder why is he calling this woman a crazy slut. Is there any truth to the letter? Hmmmmmm If my hubby didn't do anything, I still don't like the idea of some crazy slut approaching him so still a wtf and let me find out who this skank is. And also Mr Sleazy now knows LD knows where he lives and isn't afraid to out him. Sleazy will worry whether or not his wife believes him or not. Mr Sleazy could contact WW with a WTF? Cheaters can come unraveled when they know exposure is underway. They tend to panic and get sloppy. I'd still expose to OMW.

A lot of things could happen but like I said, I try to give people a little more credit to think once those seeds of doubt are planted. If her husband has ever cheated before she will know this is all likely true. She could see it as either a concerned BH took a lot of time to get this info to her for good reason or a crazy slut went to a lot a trouble to get her this info which is a concern regardless of motive.

And I never said don't confront Mr Sleaze. That should happen too and I said that. It would still be more effective to have Mr Sleaze getting hit from both sides but the wife should come first so there is no warning.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Lunchdate,

If you choose to expose you should tell OMW and then confront OM.



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by LunchDate
Ladies, if I send a note and she never contacts me how do I know that Mr. Sleazy got the message? Do I do what one poster recommended and send the note to Mrs. Sleazy and later confront Mr. Sleazy?

I'm not a lady, but Mr. Sleazy already knows about his affairs, indiscretions, and sleaziness. The purpose of contacting the betrayed wife is to shine the light of day on the affair, which helps to stop it. The purpose of contacting the other man is to make him feel intimidated which helps to stop it.

I saw your post yesterday commenting that it seems that women were recommending one thing and men another. Dr. Harley would recommend that you do BOTH.

Also, Dr. Harley says that in order to recover, the circumstances that led to your wife's affair need to change. That probably means she needs to leave her industry. In the case of serial adulterers, Dr. Harley has sometimes recommended that husband and wife work together. Also, the problems in your marriage that existed before the affair (most of us have those!) certainly don't excuse her affair, but they need to change as well. i.e., you need to meet her emotional needs, protect her from love busters, spend time together, build a compatible lifestyle, and build a passionate romance together. What were her complaints about your marriage before the affair? You will still need to address those, but the good news is that she (and you) can still be happy.

Have you read Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation after an affair? Dr. Harley's position is that rather than forgiveness for the affair, the wayward husband or wife should compensate for the affair, because they can! And the compensation is to give the betrayed husband or wife a good marriage, with romantic love. The amazing thing is that the just compensation isn't something that will hurt the wayward spouse, because they end up with a good marriage, too.

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Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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All,

Got the message. Expose to OMW and confront OM.

black_raven,

Thank you for the letter.

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Originally Posted by LunchDate
All,

Got the message. Expose to OMW and confront OM.

black_raven,

Thank you for the letter.

Good for you!

Just an additional thought: you could always send the letter certified mail and ask for a signature. I don't know that it would guarantee he wouldn't get the letter instead of her, but at least you'd know who signed for it.

Others can chime in if they think that's a bad idea. I'm just thinking it might make you feel better if you know she at least signed for it - if she never contacts you.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
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Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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LD-

I like to think of the upside/downside to the moves I make.

There really is no downside to tell this guys wife. Pretty woman get hit on all the time and factor in your pretty wife was a player in the adultery game which this guy may or may not be aware of then why not just give him heads up. I just think an in person visit with him would suffice in this instance.

Your wife was awesome and is in a fragile state, do you really need to have any ramifications that possibly could her come way from a wife a guy simply looking to share a soup and sandwich with her?

Me, Id let your wife know that you will be reaching to this guy in a matter of fact way: "my wife wants nothing to do with you, next time you see her you are to act like she's invisible otherwise your wife will know you're looking for lunch dates." Thank her for telling you and continue on your recovery.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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LD, explore something with me, please.

You going to OMW and exposing would be less than impactful on the basis of your being only able to relate the events second-hand. (This is a part of the reason behind my counsel to instead confront OM.) Would it not be of greater import to have your FWW (and you if needed) be the one to reveal to OMW the trolling actions of her H on the basis of her first-hand knowledge?

Have you and she discussed that fairly rare possibility? "Rare" is used here because in most cases the spouse associated with the inappropriate activity is not so inclined, typically involved in an active affair that the other spouse is attempting to end.

But since your FWW was able to resist his blandishments, she is not burdened with the shame or humiliation normally extant, and is in a position to actively support and protect her own marriage.

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This troll's wife deserves to know how he is out prowling around. If she doesn't believe it because it is "second hand" with no proof - so be it. But, as Black Raven mentioned, at least she has been given a heads up. It's the decent thing to do. Perhaps it would spare another couple the heartache of infidelity.



"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Nooo Nooo Nooo

I can't believe that people who have been posting here for a while STILL try to stop people from exposing to the other BS!!!

twoxfour twoxfour twoxfour

SmilingMike, when confronting the OM, the BH should NEVER ever THREATEN to tell the OMW!

The BS should just go ahead and TELL her. My preference would be to tell her first, and THEN confront the OM!

Never Guessed...it does NOT matter whether the BS has any "proof" to show the OMW. She DESERVES to know! If she's smart, she'll start snooping on her WS! I would give ANYTHING if someone had thought enough of me to warn me that my WH was cheating on me! The BS has a RIGHT to know what her WS is doing to her life!

Y'all really do need to read up on Dr. Harley's principles and use them when you advise a poster.

I hope I didn't just banghead !

To the original poster: Do the RIGHT thing and tell the OMW!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Uhhh, LC, please keep up.

My thread that you evidently object to is in support of exposure and offered a suggestion of how to make it more effective, by LD and FWW conducting it in concert.
My turn: banghead

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NG-

Does your plan of us exposing together mean we would have to stop by Mrs. Sleazy's house and pay her a visit? Could we just send the note from both of us?

I like the idea of the message coming from both of us. I am just uncertain about whether having my whole family show up at her house to tell was what you were suggesting. We do not actually know this lady.

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I think a letter signed by both of you is fine, with your phone #'s so that the wife can contact either of you. No need to show up at the house together.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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