I did a post-nup! I'd do it again tomorrow!

A former wayward that has no intention of living a secret separate life again, has nothing to fear from a document that will never be necessary to use.

It becomes no more than a good faith action on the part of a truly repentant former wayward.

"IF" it becomes necessary to enforce the document, then it was well worth the time and effort that was put into place.

My wife and I went to her attorney to have it researched and drafted. The attorney advised we leave custody issues out of the equation in order to insure the enforcement of the document if necessary.
What's in the best interest of a child will always take precedence over any pre-nups or post-nups. Best to deal with that on a separate basis. Document, document, document all the waywards behaviors in regards to your children and keep ongoing journals as needed!

Post-Nups are not necessary in all situations just because an affair has occurred. I prefer to see them requested when a spouse has done significant damage in regards to the marital finances and assets, or one has hidden money in the past.

Just my .02

I had a post-nup drafted. It only addressed a few specific financial issues and it was not contingent upon another affair. Post nups hold up in my state. When presented with the document, my then WH refused to sign it so that was the end of that.

I apologize for not keeping to the same thread. Getting used to how this forum works. I really appreciate all the advise here, it has been a solid guide for me. As many of you know I have exposed my wife's affair, she has indicated NC with OM. She says she has no interest in ever seeing him again and that the affair was dying out anyway. From what she says she told him back in May that she could no longer do this any longer. They did speak after that time, but I found out later those conversations were mostly in an effort to try and cover up the affair as it was being discovered...Didn't work, I had to much information and she ended up passing the poly with anything I was unclear on. WW is hurt as well as myself. She understands that people needed to know and I think she understands what I need as of now. The question I have is (when) does the BS allow the affair to be an event of the past?? I feel like if I don't keep talking about it with my WW or question her feelings for the OM vs her feelings for me, that my WW will simply push this into the past and act as if nothing happened. She says she never loved this OM, never could be in a "real" relationship with him and loves me and always has. WW says she wasn't looking for love, but someone to talk to that would listen to her. That was a consistent complaint of hers in our marriage and she said eventually she looked to this OM as a friend that would hear her out in conversation. The PA occurred because she said the OM was into it and once it happened the first time she admits to continuing her destructive behavior. WW says the sex was not good, just something she felt she owed the OM as a part of getting her EN met... the OM's attention and his ability to make her feel important. I just don't want to make or misjudge my wives feelings. From what I have read, most of these affairs don't make it to quality relationships and fizzle out when the initial spark fades away. Also my WW told me about some times the OM would suggest that they spend more time together just being together and so forth...WW says she was never interested in that...she just enjoyed the conversation and the fact OM was listening which made her feel good. So from this point should I let myself love my wife as I always have in the past??? She knows I am hurt and says over and over that she will do whatever to earn my trust but she can't go on day in and out seeing me depressed and treating her in a non-loving way. Any thoughts....

Just hit notify and ask the MODS to merge all your threads.

If your Dday is recent you need to stop expecting things to better so soon. Your marriage and you have just suffer traumatic blows courtesy of your WW. If her attitude is already one of "I can't go on" your recovery will be all the hard. Recovery is hard no matter what and her crappy attitude isn't going to help. You should be treating her in a loving way but it's understandable that you will have difficulty with this and feel depressed at times...that's why there is the reference to riding the emotional rollercoaster. Sorry but you are going to be on this ride for a long while, with or without marital recovery.

Telling or acting like you should "get over it" is not going to help and will make you feel more resentment. Is she willing to post on MB? Have the two of you looked into ADs. On your other thread you mentioned WW was depressed as well. Have the both been tested for STDs?

Get your threads merged, hon. Can't keep track of you!

As for affair-talk, just because you stop talking about the A doesn't mean it gets swept under the rug.

You are still supposed to talk about your HEALING, and whether she is doing enough to heal you.

You talk about your plan for recovery

Now, priorities:

1) Are you sleeping?
2) Eating?
3) Do you need to see your doc re anti depressants?


Just be still and focus on taking it easy. Breathe in and out. The hard work must be taken on by the wayward. The pain is rough, like a marathon, so take care of your inner athlete.

These may help.
be the lighthouse....for those feeling tossed in the waves
betrayed spouse.......just be still

Once you have all the facts it should not be brought up again.

The state of the marriage that led to the affair should be addressed with vigor because unless you transform your marriage and affair proof it, your marriage will be WORSE off than it was before. It will take a romantic, passionate, intimate marriage to replace the bad feelings you have about the affair.

You should get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined in there. But didn't I already tell you this?

Did you read my post?

KG, you can't rush recovery. Ask your questions. Get your answers. After you've gotten them, stop asking the questions.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? What is your plan for recovering your marriage? What have you done so far to recover?

I am awaiting the arrival of several books from MB. I hope to have a firm plan to recovery after reading them. WW and I r getting along with some small details about the affair I question from time to time. I often tell her I dont want to talk about it anymore and just try to focus on what her EN are to improve our marriagr while at the same time makin sure she is doing the things I need to do to feel secure.....

^^^this. i came into this thread especially to say that! it's really annoying not to have all the info in one place. KGaa, why do you feel the need to start so many threads on the same M? do you think you're going to get other advice? please don't answer me here

I feel I am having a tougher time with things as things move along. I'm not doing well. Everytime I look at my gorgeous wife I think aboit what the OM got to experience and what was taken from me. My WW is doing everything I ask..she took the poly and passed, more than willing to put safeguards in place, said she even take future poly's to verify she never spoke to OM again. I heard more and more how the OM told my wife he loved her and would leave his wife for mine...how he missed her and wished they could spend quality time more often ect....my wife saya she never wanted that and how she told him she would never leave her husband for him..WW just keeps saying that she was there for the fact of feeling important, listened to, and understood. She admits OM was in search of more, but she never wanted it. Ww admits to feelings of addiction to the thrill of the affair, but says that wore out and she was heading down the path of breaking things off. So much to try and figure out and understand..

I'm sorry to place an additional post, but my previous one was lost in the shuffle without much response. As many of you know, my WW had a four month affair with an exboyfriend of her distant past. I know of the OM to speak, but never good friends. My WW is thus far on board to rebuild our marriage. She took and passed poly and affair has been exposed. We just received a handful of books from MB to include surviving an affair. I love my wife but am having a very difficult time viewing her as the same person. She says she has always loved me and thw affair started out as a EA and progressed to a PA. She says she never fwlt in love with the OM only that she was attracted to the conversation and how he made her feel important. I look at her now and see and feel that she is no longer "my wife" but someone that was shared and a part of another persons life. She wants to do whatever to rebuild our marriage but is very difficult to view her in the same light. We have spoke about relocating to get a freah start without all the triggers of our past. We have been intimant but it makes me feel as if I am being compared to their PA. Again sorry for the additional post.

AAAggghhhh, I can't believe you did it agian!!

KGaa12,

Are you back to having relations with your WW?

Are their things she did with OM she never did with you or is unwilling to do now?

Is your WW no longer orgasmic with you or less so?

Could you please combine your threads, there is a great loss of continuity which makes it difficult for people.

God Bless
Gamma

The reason you don't get responses anymore is because you don't respond or even acknowledge the posts you do get. I have made several posts to you and you didn't acknowledge a single one. If you want to get responses, then stick to one thread and respond to the posters. That is basic forum etiquette.

People are not going to take the time to post to you if you ignore their posts.

What in the world?? What is the point of these questions?

All you have to do is post to it again with the word "bump." That will bring it back to the top for people to see.

Also, be sure to be active in educating yourself in Marriage Builders concepts. Don't expect to be spoonfed, don't ask the same questions over and over again, and pay attention to and act on the answers you get. Recovery is not for wimps, nor for people who need to be spoonfed. (I am not saying that you are; I am not following your sitch. Just saying this is common.) It simply won't work if you don't assume responsibility for educating yourself.

So if you constantly ask questions that have already been answered, you will find people don't get a rewarding experience in posting to you, and they will stop or slow down.

Reread everything that has been posted to you, regularly. Many times people are an emotional basketcase and they are told what to do but miss it, and they keep asking and arguing and debating instead of acting on the plan. Frankly, nobody wants to tell somebody over and over again how to recover if they are not going to take the advice.

Reread your threads, and make a todo list. Then, follow the todo list.

Also, start a plan to read through ALL of the articles on this website. ALL of them.

Melody,

There appears to be some parts of the male brain you don't understand, but perhaps that's too general and it only applies to me. Point 3 is likely to decide if I divorce.

God Bless
Gamma

What I do understand is how marriages recover from affairs so I know that your questions have nothing to do with that goal, but are more about your own personal obsession in your own marriage.

You are upset with the idea that a WW will do things with the OM that she would not do with the husband and are under the false impression that she, therefore, OWES her husband the same treatment. That is NOT in line with Marriage Builders concepts at all.

I hope you don't intend to muddy the waters of this thread with that issue.