Are you helping him understand Harley's plan for recovery? Or helping him understand your own personal criteria for ending a marriage?

What does Harley have to say about point 3? Do you know? Are you willing to find out?

KGaa, you have so many posts that people have no idea what your situation is about and what is going on. I tried to find your "original" thread but that thread didn't contain any logical sequence of events/background for people to understand.

Here is your first original thread.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=166862&Number=2644844#Post2644844

It would be wise to stick to THAT thread, ONLY, and please add a post to it describing the circumstances of your situation, such as:
Your age(s), any children, when this all happened, what exactly happened, and what you've done so far in terms of MB concepts or non-MB concepts.

Right now, all your posts are just a muddled mess and nobody can make sense of them. In fact, with SO MANY threads, people are almost certainly intentionally avoiding them out of annoyance because it is bad forum etiquette.

This is not a blog -> it is a place to get solid help. If you want help, that's fine, but it's not going to happen through random blogging.

Thank you for all your responses, actually to all my posts over the last weeks since the discovery of the affair. I credit MB and the folks thag have responded to me when at my worst. I think my posts in my mind are more of trying to update those that know the situation as to where things have progressed or not progressed as time has moved forward. As the initial shock has somewhat worn off I have felt at times unsure if I can move on and ever see my WW in the same light. I apoligize for not responding to all of your helpful comments. I will be sure to reply to all in some fashion. Again thanks, and I appreciate all the help to this point.. God Bless...

Melody.

The point is that men have nowhere to voice those kinds of anxieties which are very real no matter how unimportant they are to their wives. But just saying they don't matter does not make them disappear.

In many cases men can't even admit them to themselves.

God Bless
Gamma

This is your own personal ox to gore, though, and it has no place on the thread of someone who is here to learn about Marriage Builders. You have this issue because you have not recovered your own marriage.

If you are struggling with this issue, why not start up your own thread and ask how Dr Harley would approach this issue? Making endless complaints about your problem on the threads of newcomers is disruptive.

EGG ZAK LEE !!!!!!

In fact, I will start such a thread for YOU, Gamma.

Here you go, Gamma. All your own!

Not sure if you guys will see this post...WW and I have remained together at this point. It has been since about July 8th since WW has taken and passed poly. This is about the same time WW last spoke with OM. That final time was at my request. (mistake I know). WW and I have been up and down over past weeks. I have been trying to shove MB plan down her throat, maybe to much at times, and she has been slowly coming around with requests I have made. I convinced her to post on here, which she did, but was upset at the initial harsh responses she received. She has continued to post, but is not a huge fan of MB. She said we got the books, cant we focus on reading them? You want me to read the books, put posts online to total strangers, have time to talk woth you, work, tend to our kids ect.... I will admit I have continued to question here about small details about her affair...i know Dr. H is against this, I am trying my best to refrain from it. Wife has independently read portions of SAA, and after she began to understand the format of what needs done, she has complied. She changed her cell number at my request, is in process of shutting down FB page, has looked over and said to send NC letter, and has offered to take part in annual poly exams to ensure me Nc with OM. Should I just sit back and let her do what she's learning to do with this? I fear she still has feeling for OM, and is taking baby steps because she is umsure of herself and if she can totally commit to me....She says she just needs time to digest and learn what needs to be done. She also says that if she is not the one doing this stuff recommended "on her own" how will it mean anything to me....any advice on what I should do at this time?

Hi, KGaa,

One thing you need to understand about Marriage Builders: you as the husband will play a crucial role in recovery. You need to make enough Love Bank deposits in your account in your wife's Love Bank to pass the romantic love threshold, where she will fall in love with you.

One of your crucial tools for doing this will be conversation. And the conversation has to be good, intimate conversation. Look in your copy of His Needs, Her Needs, and you will see Dr. Harley lays out four "friends" of good conversation, and four "enemies" of good conversation.

ACTION STEP: review the friends and enemies of good conversation daily. Practice the friends. Avoid the enemies.

It is crucial that you become the best possible conversation partner for your wife. It is indispensable. Your marriage will not recover without it. With it, however, along with affection and time together, your wife will fall in love with you. And when she does, you will find that she is committed to you.

There will probably be some burden on you to become a good conversation partner even without her yet being committed, if you want to recover this marriage. Her feelings are going to be all over the map, but in the midst of that, you can become a good husband to talk to if you will take those friends and enemies of good conversation seriously.

Now, notice closely that one of the enemies of good conversation is dwelling on mistakes of the past or present. So, find something to talk about besides the affair. It stands to reason that none of us wants to be continually reminded of our mistakes.

Some of this is likely to be awkward for awhile.

KGaa, have you listened to the radio show? I seriously suggest you start listening. Sit in "class" with Dr. Harley daily. You need it.

Regarding your wife's complaints about not having time with the kids: you will find that the Marriage Builders program specifies meeting a need for Family Commitment by scheduling fifteen hours a week together as a family, mom and dad both present, teaching your children your values. This can be doing anything fun or enjoyable, as long as you are spending time together as a family.

Perhaps if you start doing this, your wife will feel less like the kids are being neglected. This is an important emotional need for her!

I appreaciate the guidance here. So should I expose her to MB at her own pace. I've tried to encourage her to post only because it is so helpful. She did and has a few times, but said people were very harsh on her and she is depressed enough and needs more encouragment than "salt in her wounds"... I give her credit for reading SAA with me and doing the things I've asked. WW has also agreed to my request of NC letter. I know I've kinda asked this before...but WW hasn't spoke with OM for atleast two weeks now. She told OMW after receiving a phone call that she did not wish to speak with OM again...WW has no problem with me sending NC letter, but I kinda feel like she does...know this #$%& might think my wife is thinking of him and he may try to contact her if it hursts his little heart...she's kinda out of sight out of mind now....I think I know the answer but just wanted to put it out there......

Steve H is good with reluctant spouses.

I'm sorry to say she sounds super foggy still. Much more 'poor me' than 'how can I heal you'

This is pretty normal for WWs. But don't let her off with it. If she continues, tell her she's only got one shot to keep you. That you won't stay in an unhealed M.

You're also keeping her triggered and in the fog with Qs. OM doesn't matter.



"Of course you shouldn't bother with it unless you are enthusiastic, darling!

I need healing to allow you to stay. That doesn't mean you have to stay".

I did not see an answer to my question.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Just a little clarity on the topic of NC letter. Just to bring everyone who was kind enough to post replies. My wife and I are doing the best we can to get through an affair she had that went on for about 3-4 months. As you know she was reluctant at first to tell the truth but eventually "came clean" and ended up willfully passing a poly at my request. She has also willingly shut down her FB account, changed her cell number and has done other little things, such as calling when leaving work to let me know she is on her way, leaving her cell phone out in the open as a gesture to know I am free to look at whatever may be going on in her life. Anyway I give her credit for trying to wrap her head around all of these MB principles and such to bring what she needs to make me feel like we are on our way to recovery. The thing I fear most is re-contact with the OM. I have been able to gather what I feel is enough information to say that the OM was at least a bit more "head over heals" for my wife. My wife admits that OM fulfilled her EN of conversation, appreciation, and importance in her life...this is right in line with what I admit I was failing to do over the last few years together. She said she will have NO further contact with OM. She admits to the feelings as the affair wound down of "withdraw", but she feels she is now over that and has NO interest in speaking with this guy ever again. I told her about the NC letter and she has NO absolute problem with sending it if that's what MB recommends and what I need. BUT I see a point she made...this guy has not had the benefit of hearing, seeing or knowing that my WW even exists anymore..(just the way I like it)..and then all of sudden dip$%#@^ goes to the mailbox and see's a letter handwritten by his lost lover...my wife! "Oh, what must she want?, to meet up?, was she thinking about me?, or what did her H make her do now that he is pissed off because of this? OM reads the letter and say's Noooooo, you mean your never gonna speak with me again...ever...., oh boy I gotta find some way to speak with her about this....Next thing you know is OM is calling her at a work number I can't track, waiting for her outside of work, to tell her, "this can't be" you mean it's done for good?

Does anyone see my point here? This guy really liked my wife. In his sick mind he would look at a NC letter as a way to rekindle something, no matter if there is nothing there on her part....I am a firm believer in MB and it's principles. I feel my wife is also seeing that ring more true. Again she has told me to send the letter which she wrote and I've reviewed. Just looking for any opinions and how I can ensure this A@#$%$# stays clear of my wife and doesn't screw up our recovery.

I have mentioned the relocating option to my wife. She said she will do what needs to be done, BUT, we both have stable employment here, just built a new home together, our family is all here and her view is that we are strong enough to get through this and we shouldn't allow OM to push us out of our home, he can leave for all we care.

Thanks again and sorry so long.....

KGaa,
While I see your point, I think there is benefit in writing the NC letter just the same. It is not only for the OM, but also for your wife.

I wrote a NC letter "after the fact" when I had no contact with OM for over a month. He came driving by my workplace, honking his horn and waving at me. I called my husband immediately. I was MAD and UPSET and SCARED. That next day I wrote a NC letter...and my husband called the OM and had a meeting in person with him where he gave him my letter.

For me, it wasn't so much for the OM. It was my offering of being proactive and telling him to leave me alone forever. It was something I could do for my husband. In the past, I had been very protective of the OM (still foggy). This was my way of standing up for my family.

Kgaa, I don't really want updates, yet. I want to know if you are listening. And if you are following the suggestions you receive.


I'm not sure this is true. I think you could do better, if you'd listen more. I'm not sure you're listening here, and I'm not sure you're going to make it.

Reposting:


Have you acted on my suggestion? (I bolded it for you.)


Have you acted on this suggestion?


Have you acted on this suggestion?

Hmm. I dont like that suggestion she not send it. Red flag.

One of the top ten wayward lies is 'I dont need an NC letter because there is no NC'

If he called her at work she'd hang up and tell you about it of course. Add in a line about 'My spouse will be told of all contact attempts' if you want to deter him further. Send a follow up lawyers letter about harrasment if you need to, but cut him out NOW rahter than let this hang over you forever. Right now what's to stop him getting bored at some point in the future and calling her up to rekindle stuff? Nothing.

I have been doing ALL of the suggestions here from MB...exposed affair, wife completed poly, I told our kids alone about A, bought 5 of Dr. H books and are reading with WW, WW changed cell number, shut down FB, and NC letter was sent today after authored by wife...WW have neen spending time together and working on sorting out EN when doing this... I have been trying to stick to my exercise program that was in place prior to A..WW and I made it a point to jog together the other night....I feel we are doing all we can at a pace that I have learned the MB principles....WW has posted and we have both listened to the MB radio...I signed up for the archives in order to better listen.... One question I'd like a little insight on is oupr kids...I told all 3 of the A as recommended....they're hurt of course......The 2 youngest r much better as I dont think they grasp the entire thing.....WW has offered to speak with all of them, whenever ready.......17 yo daughter basically won't speak to WW...their relationship wasn't great prior to A.....WW accepts fault with A, but is unsure on how to approach...there relationship needs healed and worked on...any suggestions???i though I heard Dr. H speak of a book for mother daughter relationships?

KGaa12,

17 yo daughter basically won't speak to WW...their relationship wasn't great prior to A.

Expect your 17 DD to need as much time as you do to recover, a cheater cheats on their children too.

The good news is that recovery can happen since everything is out in the open.

Recovery between my FIL and W almost NEVER happened as he never owned up to his serial cheating and OCs until he was in his 70's. There was never open conflict between them, but just years and years of my Ws distrusting her Father and years and years of FILs guilt and secrecy.

God Bless
Gamma