Lefty,

We have spent over $1200 on Steve and are in financial distress right now. We just got our daughter's medical bills from her surgery and we now owe over $20K and have no way to pay it. SHarley is going to have to go on hold and I may be interviewing for a few jobs that are open in my field. I wanted to work in his office but I can make more and we'd get cheaper health insurance if I worked for a hospital so I will most likely need to step out of stay at home mom mode and start working to help pay off the immense bill. Plus I mentioned earlier that part of my husbans's SSL was to lie about things financially so we are already in big time financial trouble. He says he can handle it but he can't.

Yes we need Steve, as we fall apart when we aren't talking to him, but unless we win the lotto, we can't continue to spend when everything is maxed out. It is such an awful thing since one of my top 5 ENs is financial support. Definitely not being met.

I just want him to stay the course and stick to the hard road. It will take two years to recover and he seems to quit at any road block. I need him to carry me sometimes. I need him to stay focused and that is hard. Yes I worry all the time about going back to the old way. I'm already pulling away since I know he'll be gone 8 days and unable to meet my needs and my LB balance is still low. I know him being away is going to make me worry a lot. At least I know he'll be with all men except one married couple is going too. I wish I could go! I love camping!

Thanks for your support! It is nice to have a recovery buddy. Maybe he'll read this and see your suggestions! Hugs, girl!!

well, let's not get carried away! i see in your previous post that he is giving up scouting. this is a good thing for your M. i hope that he is not being shirty about it ("well, fine, then, i'll just give up scouting altogether!) and is instead thoughtfully considerate ("honey, we really DO need more time, just you and me. i've obviously spent too much time on things i *thought* were important, but aren't so much from this perspective.")

i'm sorry that in the middle of this you have to have an 8 day separation. but it does sound like he's trying to get it together?

the worse thing you can do is withdraw. you need to have him leave with a warm memory, not relief.

i hear you on the $$. we maxed out our CC on SH appts. my husband hated every minute of them, but they were so valuable in the long run. your DDs surgery illustrates the positives of "socialised" medicine, which we have here. if something is wrong with you, you don't have to beggar yourself to get healthy. i don't pay a higher "federal" tax for it, though i do pay a higher "state" tax. however, it's not that much higher than CA! and worth every penny (says the sickie).

lol, i wasn't going to say anything about H being away with all males, but see you did already! that is the upside, eh?

do try to make the most of your last few days, even though you're feeling empty. hopefully it'll balance out the other end when he returns.

Hate to TJ, but I didn't know it worked that way. It makes a lot more sense for state to collect the tax for the socialized healthcare though, it'll stop too many hands being in the pot...


/TJ

Letty is completely right. Do not withdraw just yet. Leave him wanting more of you.

Oh TinT. You guys have so much on your plate right now that I would imagine it must be hard to figure out which is making you feel more stressed. Don't let the EA be the automatic fallback for the stress in your house. I fell into that trap myself and it just sucked me down.

Try to focus on the positive things that he is doing and keep working the MB program. I know his scouting trip is a bad thing right now but he has decided to end the trips... so that is a good thing and won't be a problem going forward. Focus on that. Don't forget that the EP did allow this trip...so let him go and enjoy the last trip without guilt. Let him know how much it means to you that he is willing to end scouting to make you feel safe.


Keep working it TinT...give it time to work. UA time and a good laugh is the best medicine.

I wish he was giving it up, or at least saying he is giving it up, for us. But it is more of a "fine, I'll give it up since you are making me." And he is upset about it, but denies that. It makes me feel so guilty. I am a giver and want him happy. I'm not usually one to put my feet down regarding IB. But that is what got us in this situation. Scouts is just not good for our marriage right now. Until we recover and get at least 15 hours of UA a week on a regular basis, then our volunteer pursuits need to be dropped. I am also giving up my passion for a while, too. I have played soccer all my life and really enjoy it, but it is on Wednesday evenings when we could spend 2 hours of UA per week. We need those two hours, so it is going to go. We need our marriage strong more than I need to play soccer.

We were talking today about some things and it really is a lifestyle change. I made a few modifications to the EPs and we will be working through the "5 Steps" workbook once a week for a few hours instead of talking to SHarley (due to financial strains), and the rest of our UA will be fun stuff. Laughing and enjoying each other. Going to parks, going to dinner, listening to bands together. Stuff like that. Trying to get out of here and away from the house. These are all new things so they will require effort at first.

We are both withdrawing from each other due to a lot of issues right now, but we just discussed it at lunch (he came home to talk), andnowmthatbwe understand it, hopefully we can take some time alone together the next two nights enjoying each other.

Thanks pokerFace,

I will try to focus on the positive. But emotional honesty was an area I was lacking in so I do feel it is extremely important to tell him how I am feeling about everything going on instead of bury it to avoid a potential conflict. If I don't, then the problem gets bigger and bigger. So anything I am bothered by I am trying to address it in a kind way so he won't get defensive.

I am really looking forward to this giant thorn in my side to be gone so the resentment will be gone. Trying not to think about the fact that he signed up for this trip without considering how I feel, as that really was before he came out of the fog. But it is what it is and I got DS13 packed and have been running errands purchasing the little things they both need for the trip. I know they will have an amazing time going to the amazing national park for camping. I wish I could go too.

Okay, my husband is bothered by me posting here on the forum, and according to POJA I shouldn't do anything that makes my spouse unhappy. Does that mean I have to quit seeking help on this forum? I don't want him to be upset with me.

What exactly is your H bothered about with your posting on this forum?

My H was bothered as well at first, but when I asked him about it, he said he didn't like that I was doing it when he was home. He wanted to do things with me, not have me be on the computer.

Also, the forum often served as a trigger for me, which wasn't pleasant.

We agreed that I would be on the forum here mostly while he was away. If I was going to be on the forum briefly, I agreed that I would not point out all the triggery ones.

That's been working for us.

Now, if he was practicing IB and I was getting support on the forums, and he didn't like me being on the forum for that reason, I think I'd have to email Dr. Harley about that. MB principles state that the POJA is followed unless it has to do with reasons of health or safety.

well, that's not exactly how it's done, but i tried to explain it in a way that usa folks would understand.

but he HAS said it, right? if he's said it, and this is the last trip, you can't be bugging him about it - he's agreed to your condition. and you shouldn't be pressuring him about his feelings about it either. he's allowed to feel a bit put out until he sees the benefit of what that time is going to give him. you can ask him later, after a few weeks of UA time during when he would have been at scouts, how he feels about it then. asking now is just asking for trouble, and you don't need that.

i imagine your H isn't thrilled about you posting because right now he feels it's all about him being the bad guy, rather than a tool to help improve your M. my H didn't like it either. he felt i was "plotting" rather than, well, "fixing" myself. i too do not MB forum when he is home, and i don't want to, because it takes away from time i can spend with him. as a matter of fact, i make a big point to shut the computer when my H comes home, and only use it again if i have some work to do, or during a designated time (it *used* to be during my after dinner smoke).

hang in there, TnT, soon the 8 days will be over. do try and relax and spend some fun time together. you won't be sorry.

I definitely don't post when he is around. If he is on his phone facebooking, reading his email, or reading the news, I will read but rarely post. After he gets home, I will talk to him more about it.

I have decided to have my thread moved to the In Recovery Board.

We got out of the house for 2 hours alone last night from 8 to 10 pm. We did some shopping for his trip, but also browsed and looked around, joked and played with each other. It was really fun. After we got home and the kids went to bed, we had more time alone together. No marriage talk at all, although we did talk for a brief time about finances and my career path. All good discussions. Still trying to decide the best path for me to work.

Overall a great night. We have a date tonight after we feed the kids dinner. I can't wait! Then he is off at 6:30 am in the morning. Boo hoo.

I survived the first of 8 days without H. He gave me 7 letters, each labeled with the day and time to open it. The first one I read tonight at 9pm. It had a picture of us at a concert together in 2007. It melted my heart that he did this for me!

When he left today, he cried. Before the day I told him I knew of his EA, I'd only seem him cry a handful of times. Seeing him show emotion to me was a very big deal to me. As long as I have known him, he has struggled with expressing some of his emotions. He gave me openness and honesty, my 2nd EN!

Now if I could just sleep without him here. Obviously he's filled my love bank if I am lying here longing for his arms to be around me.

Well I am on day 4 with husband gone and am doing ok. Too much time alone means bad thoughts creep in. During two trips away from me last year, when he was in the EA with OW, he texted a lot with her when he was gone. So it is triggering a lot of bad memories. We haven't talked but maybe an hour total in 4 days. That is killing me. I have been getting some emails and some pictures, but when IC is your top need you feel resentment when it isn't getting met. He chose to go on this trip despite my objections and it has been hard on both of us. I'm trying to stay positive. It is hard.

The saying is " Distance makes the heart grow fonder." But I really believe that when you follow MB, and have the romantic love that we have developed, distance makes the heart hurt. I feel so broken when he is gone. Which is why Dr. Harley encourages the integrated lifestyle with no nights apart. It causes some withdrawal from each other and some pain. Especially for the one left behind. I really hope that from now on, there will be little or no nights apart from my love!

wow, that's fantastic! and a lovely day before as well!

so you think you're ready for the recovery board? great!

day 4+ and counting, right? you must be dying to open the envelope each day!

I am dying to read the letter each day. He is completely out of cell phone range, at first he was using a pay phone to call me, but then he realized there was wifi at a ranger's station so we can face time on our phones. He emails photos of the troop for their website, and I get a few words about his day each night via email. I had a good day yesterday, but today I'm lonely even after a group fitness class with two girlfriends and a swim playmate with DS4 and my mommy friends I've met this past year. Just trying to keep a positive attitude, but after 17 years of being left alone by him many many times, I don't like going back here.

How do I get this thread moved to In Recovery? I have hit notify 2 times and nothing has happened? Should I start a new thread there?

You can also try emailing the MODS, but notify should work. Try once more.

You made it over TinT. Welcome.

you made it! welcome to recovery!

Yay I made to switch to the recovery board!!!

I am on day 6 with H on the scout trip with DS13. We barely talked at all the past two days and it has definitely set me back. He would send me pictures via email with no captions, yet wouldn't email me any reply to the daily emails I sent him. I told him how frustrated I was getting via email. I basically feel just like I have most of our marriage. Abandoned by him while he engages in IB. I know h signed up for this long trip without using POJA and that means I am sacrificing and the resentment is building. When I didn't get much contact at all I shut down completely and refused to talk to him last night. I know it was wrong but I was hurting so much. It felt like the old days, pre-MB, so I just shut down. I emailed him, was unable to call him, and was completely alone. Also our 4 yr old is in a very difficult stage where he repeats himself over and over and asks questions about everything I do. I lost it. It hurt him when I didn't talk to him, but I had been waiting over 24 hours for an email and over 9 hours since we talked very briefly on the cell phone. I need more than that right now. We are still in a fragile state and working on recovery so this trip was awful timing.

I have talked to him today, but only about what I did and what he did. I am just so frustrated right now and hope we can get past this when he finally returns and we can actually talk and reconnect.