Its a quote Pep has posted elsewhere. I stole it!!!

Very interesting thread. Lots of thought provoking comments.

Resentment had been a huge problem for me. I think some of it was related to the false recovery and how long it took my H to start providing just compensation. There was much to resent and it took a toll on me, physically and emotionally.

I have an excellent memory. All the things that made me successful professionally worked against me and recovery. I could easily get into a funk that would spin into resentment.

One time, I posted about an incident on the private forum. Dr. Harley's advice to me was to politely deliver the "Listen, Buster" message for me to not talk about the A. That topic is an enemy to good conversation and makes both H and me feel bad. It still took too long a time to not blurt out what was bothering me. I probably should have had the Bob Newhart Show "Stop it" segment.

I think the delivery of just compensation is the main contributor to dissipation of resentment. Without just compensation, resentment can linger for years and turn into one of those long-term bitter relationships, if there is any relationship at all.

AM

What I remember was that somewhere men were not as forgiving naturally as women, and I appear to be wrong on that front also, please forgive me if I misquoted or misrepresented Dr. H

The more there is to resent, the more difficult it is to overcome resentment.

Both B.A. and S.K. think about their husband's affair when they try to make love, and it prevents them from having a fulfilling sexual experience. And they both learned about the affairs within the past few months. But there's quite a bit of difference between them. B.A. has only one affair to think about, while S.K. has six of them, many with her closest friends. As a result, other things being equal, I would expect B.A.'s resentment to fade much more quickly than S.K.'s resentment.

The resentment of B.A. and S.K. is a normal emotional reaction to the pain they suffered. The pain was directly associated with their husbands, so now, every time they make love, and lower their emotional defenses, they feel that pain all over again.

But emotional associations fade over time as long as there are no further associations with new painful events. In both cases, their husbands have not had an affair after the revelation, and so I would predict that if they have a normal recovery, where they learn to meet each other's needs, avoid Love Busters and learn to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty to their decisions, the resentment would fade away.

If, on the other hand, either husband were to have another affair, the association would be much harder to extinguish. In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.

But there is more to resent than just the number of affairs a husband had in the past. In many cases, an affair is discovered while it's going on, and the unfaithful spouse makes matters worse by choosing to be with the lover and abandoning the spouse and children. That thoughtless act is a huge source of additional resentment for the victimized spouse. He or she not only goes through the pain of discovering the affair, but must also go through the pain of being rejected. The unfaithful spouse often moves away to be with the lover, leaving the spouse all alone to face the terror of abandonment.

Then, if all of that weren't enough, the unfaithful spouse explains that he or she needs time to "sort out" feelings, whatever that means. It actually means that the unfaithful spouse will go to the highest bidder. Whoever makes the unfaithful spouse feel the best, the lover or the spouse, will win the prize of the unfaithful spouse. So he or she spends some time with the lover, and then spends some time with the spouse. Back and forth, trying to "get in touch" with feelings. Can you fathom the resentment that would follow such a horrifying and humiliating experience?

But there's more. After vacillating back and forth a few times, the lover gets sick of it all and tosses the spouse out for good. With nowhere else to go, the unfaithful spouse comes back home. It wasn't his or her choice. It was the lover's choice. How would you feel being chosen because you were the only one left. Resentment doesn't begin to describe the feeling.

Finally, there's all the lies. Your spouse looks right into your eyes and lies to you about everything. Faced with undeniable evidence, he or she grudgingly and defensively admits to one lie after another, rarely accompanied by apologies. How can there ever be trust again?

Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

As a FWW, I have a hard time swallowing this statement:

�After all, an affair is hatched with full knowledge of how much pain it will inflict on an unsuspecting spouse after it's discovered. It reflects a wanton disregard for the feelings of someone that was supposed to have been cherished and protected for life.�

If I had full knowledge of how much pain it would inflict on my dear husband I would have had the sense of reality needed to stop myself. I certainly agree with the second sentence. How do I accept the first sentence about myself so my husband can heal and have less resentment?

A spouse's unfaithfulness is one of the most painful experiences anyone can have in life. So almost everyone feels betrayed, used, abandoned, and very angry when they discover that their spouse has had an affair. After all, an affair is hatched with full knowledge of how much pain it will inflict on an unsuspecting spouse after it's discovered. It reflects a wanton disregard for the feelings of someone that was supposed to have been cherished and protected for life.

The first reaction of most, after discovering a spouse's affair, is to end the marriage. Most people cannot imagine having a normal relationship after such violation of trust. And the image of a spouse making love in the arms of the lover is not only sickening, but also infuriating. Resentment is an understatement of what is actually felt whenever those memories come to mind.

But, remarkably, most affairs do not lead to divorce. In fact, most couples try to reconcile, and usually succeed, after an affair. But even after a reasonably successful reconciliation, resentment often lingers on.

But even after a reasonably successful reconciliation, resentment often lingers on.

which implies one should start meeting all top ENs before one is necessarily enthusiastic.

Then it transitions to one must be enthusiastic first, before one should meet any EN.

So, meeting her ENs did not prevent the adultery and did not make me safe. Someone explain that to me.

� The "way he wants it met" misses the point. In order to have a successful fulfilling sex life, it must be done in a way THEY BOTH WANT IT. Let's say he wants oral sex and she hates it. The solution is to NEVER have OS, of course. It is to find a way they both like.�

This is not is in the original MB instructions. One must meet one�s partner�s ENs in the way they want them met. Not that those instructions cannot be changed, but a requirement they both need to want an EN in the same way was never in the first principles. That is something relatively new.

But the H is your example really does want OS. That is what he most wants. It is his top EN. You just stated he can never have it. He has to sacrifice it on the altar of what she approves of. Enthusiastically sacrifice it, in fact. Now, that particular example is quite OK by me (read above) but it does not actually support your argument.

The rest of her letter implies she shoots him down in flames more often than not herself. That seems very non MB to me and more than just passively aggressive.

� The fact that the adultery is abuse is irrelevant to the issue because it is in the past. We need to deal with the present. �

This is a reasonable analogy? A man�s arm and leg have been chopped off. The wound is healed. He�s not lying bleeding on the floor. So, it�s all in the past. Time to forget the past and move on. He is still missing an arm and a leg, though. Is MB saying the equivalent that he should act as if he isn�t?

I don�t think the world works that way, but feel free to correct me.

And I still believe the original WW�s letter to be foggy. She was no where near meeting her BH�s ENs or providing just compensation or fire proofing the M. Not even loce. So no wonder the BH was still pissed after 10 years.

In your case, if your husband does not meet your need for domestic support, you may lose the feeling of love you once had for him. The losses of love units over the past five years have already taken their toll on your sexual response to him, and if it continues, you may find yourself without any sexual interest at all.

Even though it may be crucial for your husband to meet your need for domestic support, he must do it in a way that he finds enjoyable, or it won't work. The woman who develops a sexual aversion must learn to meet her husband's need for sex enthusiastically. That means she can't force herself to make love to him, she must learn to enjoy it enough that she actually looks forward to making love to him.

The same is true of the chronically unemployed husband. He must learn to enjoy earning a living to support his spouse. I've helped many men find work that they truly enjoy, and they earn enough to support their families. When that happens, their wives love for them is restored, and their marriage is saved.

But that's what meeting emotional needs is all about. Making your spouse happy in a way that makes you happy. Sacrifice is short-sighted. You can do it once in a while, but it does not endure. If you want help around the house from your husband, you want to see him doing it cheerfully, because that's the only way you will get consistent help from him.

That brings us to the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). Your husband can learn to meet your need for domestic support if you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.

You made a deal with your husband years ago that if he supported you financially, you would support him domestically. You now know that deal does not work for you. It is no longer a deal that you enthusiastically agree to, so it should be revised using the Policy of Joint Agreement.


Use the steps I suggested last week, and you may find that he will cheerfully take some of the responsibilities. Negotiate with him to help you with some of those that are left, and I think you will find him to be far more helpful than you imagined.

You may not have confronted the issue because of your underlying feeling of guilt to want him to do things that you feel are your responsibility. Forget all of that, and focus on what he could do for you that would make you the happiest. Then bargain in his best interest to get it done for yourself. You will both have a happier and more compatible marriage as a result of your effort.

If household responsibilities are given to whoever is in the mood to do them, nothing much will be done. If one spouse demands help from the other, that will also have an unsatisfactory outcome. But if assignment of these tasks can be mutually agreed upon by willing spouses that accept the responsibility, everything will run smoothly.

I would like to propose to you a solution to your conflict based on the Policy of Joint Agreement. As it does with all marital conflicts, the Policy will not only resolve it, it will help you increase your love for each other.

This solution will require you to do something that you may rarely do: get organized. It means you must think through your problem carefully and systematically. You will need to write down your objectives and create solutions that take each other's feelings into account. While you may find all of this awkward and terribly "not you," there is no other way. Besides, when you're done, you may find it to be more comfortable than you anticipated.


Step 1: Identify your household responsibilities.
First, make a list of all of your household responsibilities including child care. The list should (1) name each responsibility, (2) briefly describe what must be done, and when, to accomplish it, (3) name the spouse that wants it accomplished and (4) how important is it to that spouse (use a scale from 1-5, with 1 least important and 5 most important).

Both spouses should work on this list, and it will take several days to cover the bases. You will add items each day as you find yourself accomplishing various tasks or wanting them accomplished.


When you have finished your list, both of you should be satisfied that it includes all of the housekeeping and child care responsibilities that you share. You may have as many as 100 items listed. Just this part of the exercise alone will help you understand what you're up against with regard to the work that you feel must be done.


Step 2: Assume responsibility for items that you would enjoy doing or prefer doing yourself.
Make a second copy of your final list, so that both you and your spouse can have your own copy. Then, independently of each other, put your own name in front of each item that you would like to do yourself. These are tasks that you would enjoy doing, don't mind doing, or want to do yourself so they can be done a certain way. When you compare your two lists, if both you and your spouse have named the same items, you can either take turns doing them, or arbitrarily divide them between the two of you.Now you have three lists. (1) the husband's list of responsibilities, (2) the wife's list of responsibilities and (3) the list of household responsibilities that are not yet assigned.


Step 3: Assign the remaining responsibilities to the one wanting each done the most.
Assuming that all tasks you would not mind doing have been eliminated, we are left with those that would be unpleasant for either of you to perform. These are items that neither of you want to do, but at least one of you thinks should be done.

These unpleasant responsibilities should be assigned to the person who wants them done. If both of you want something done, the one giving it the highest value should take responsibility for doing it.

If you think that this is unfair, consider for a moment why you want the other person to do these tasks for you. Even though you are the one who wants them done, you want the other person to relieve you of the pain you suffer when you do them. It other words, you want to gain at your spouse's expense.

You may argue that what you want is really not for you, but for the children. In that argument, you imply that your spouse is so uncaring and insensitive that he or she doesn't even know, or doesn't care, what's best for the children. If that's your argument, you are making a disrespectful judgment.

The one wanting something done the most will lose the fewest love units doing it themselves. After all, they are doing it for themselves. It's much more painful to do something unpleasant when you don't even value what you're doing.

But there are many ways to get things done, and you may not have considered the best possibilities. You and your spouse should discuss how burdensome responsibilities can be accomplished in ways that are not so burdensome. Maybe one of you would not mind doing one part of dinner preparation, and the other would not mind doing another part. Or maybe you would agree that going out to dinner is the ultimate solution to the problem.

Those items left on your list of responsibilities that are unpleasant to perform should be regularly discussed. Brainstorm all kinds of alternatives that might get the job done without either of you suffering.

There are certain household tasks that are so unpleasant for both spouses that hiring someone to do it is a reasonable alternative, especially when both spouses work full-time. Hiring a housekeeper once a week to do only the most unpleasant cleaning chores is money well spent. The same thing can be true of maintaining the yard. Having someone mow and trim the lawn can turn a burdensome Saturday into an opportunity to enjoy the day with the family.

On a related subject, be sure that you do not assign your children tasks that both you and your spouse find too unpleasant to shoulder. It doesn't build character to give your kids jobs that you hate to do, it builds resentment. If you want your children to help around the house, have them choose tasks from your list of household responsibilities that they would enjoy doing. Make lists for them, as well as for you and your spouse. There will be plenty to keep them busy.

To summarize my solution to the division of household responsibilities, the Policy of Joint Agreement should be your guide. Assume household responsibilities that you enthusiastically accept. And then, when you help each other with those unpleasant tasks that are left, only help if you can do it enthusiastically.

By following this policy, you may decide to change your attitude about some of the responsibilities on your list. When you know that the only way to do something is to do it yourself, you may decide that it doesn't need to be done, after all. In fact, you may find that what kept you convinced of it's importance, was the notion that your spouse was supposed to do it.

� The "way he wants it met" misses the point. In order to have a successful fulfilling sex life, it must be done in a way THEY BOTH WANT IT. Let's say he wants oral sex and she hates it. The solution is to NEVER have OS, of course. It is to find a way they both like.�

This is not is in the original MB instructions. One must meet one�s partner�s ENs in the way they want them met. Not that those instructions cannot be changed, but a requirement they both need to want an EN in the same way was never in the first principles. That is something relatively new.