Thank you. Yes, I follow you. The further down the road we go I realize the FR created a much greater mountain. Oh, if FWW would have implored the same strength as your H to end it the way he did and move to R.

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to heal. I am very much a �doer� and fixer. I get things done plain and simple. If something is broken, I problem solve, fix it and move on.
She is doing everything and more and has been for several months now. I appreciate it greatly.

When you have been with someone for 20 years as I have and trust is shattered overnight, that mountain seems like Mt Everest.

Marathon not a sprint. Marathon not a sprint. I keep telling myself this.

The person you are arguing with is Dr Harley. Not WPG.

I do understand what you are saying, however.
I was totally blind-sided by my H's adultery.
He was not.

The steps the WS takes to HIDE their activities means they don't want to be caught.

The usual reason waywards say they don't want the A exposed to anyone outside the marriage is that they don't want others to "be hurt". They are aware that if discovered, their spouse WILL be hurt. In your heart, you understand that the pain of a discovered adultery will be far greater than the pain of a discovered fender-bender you tried to hide. You may not have wanted to REALLY consider that, but you actually knew that.

When I told my dear Mr Pep that he had to confess in person to OWH, his response was: "Can't we stop the hurt here?" My husband KNEW full well he was hurting others. He chose not to think about it. I asked him about this multiple times.

Most adulterers can't see beyond their own selfish desires to notice how much potential hurt they bring. Yet, they HIDE their activities because they KNOW that what they are doing is both shameful and hurtful.

WhoAreWe, are you aware that the lies are the most hurtful things about your adultery?
The wayward mind says "What they don't know won't hurt them." ..... and this is probably the core of what you are saying. You thought you would not be discovered, ergo .... no hurting would transpire.

Am I close?

All that was on my mind during my adulterous relationship was me myself and I. Getting another hit of the drug. So no, I wasn't thinking of broken and the tears in his eyes on our wedding day. And I suppose that truthfully, we adulterers will never know the *precise* degree of pain our betrayed spouses feel, and likely will never know, until or unless we were also betrayed. Even then, the pain one person feels won't be *exactly* like another's. But I think that's just semantics.

Before I committed adultery, I did know how much destruction it could cause...maybe not firsthand, but I had watched the marriages of both my mom's brother and her sister implode after infidelity...I saw what it did to the children. I have heard my aunt, an unrepentant adulteress, talk about "following your heart" for years. I saw the devastation of the children involved. I saw my uncle lose his home. I would see shows on TV where adultery was a plot point, or hear on the news about another philandering politician, and I'd think, "B*tch/B@stard" and how I'd never do that, or put up with that.

Ironic, huh?

I smoke cigarettes. I know that it is doing horrible damage to my body. Every time I light one up, I know it is the wrong thing to do. It is bad for me. You cannot escape the news articles, the public service announcements, that tell me smoking is bad. I can't escape my mother telling me, "You know, your grandfather died with lung cancer, it runs in the family, you are killing yourself." But I do it anyway. I light up a cigarette with full knowledge that each one takes me that much closer to my demise.

Can't turn around and say on my deathbed that I had no idea what the darn things would do to me.

ETA - PS, Pep, I love the mountain analogy. Especially the part about choosing to walk away, rather than turn around and walk back towards it.

20Year


I cannot even begin to know the amount of pain you suffered having a FR.
How much it made your "mountain" grow.
I "see" it all the time on these forums, which is why I asked for help from those who had a FR to describe how that happened. Could you help out on the FR thread?

Here is ***the link***
The way I look at this is that if you can use your bad experience to prevent even one FR for someone, then you become a blessing. And, just maybe, one more small step further away from your mountain.

Thank you, 20Yr.

WPG-

As a BS myself, an A is a massive hit to our ego, self-worth and confidence. I often wonder if FWW views OM as the one that got away or just is digusted at the thought of him. I will never ask her this question as I refuse to give him 1 minute of discussion air time.

It is painful to read Dr Harley's writings where the WS had such amazing SF with OM and a seemingly deep emotional connection (real or not).

I think this question is inappropriate for the topic I have chosen to discuss.

Thanks.

Start a new thread?

.

And yet ..... People make the choice to tackle that huge thing.
The mind boggles at the human spirit once it sets sight on a goal.

Pepperband,

Isn't thinking "FWW views OM as the one that got away" a major cause for resentment? If the BS imagines the FWW pining for the OM, resentment will boil. It seems that BS on this forum try to focus on the fact that the FWS has chosen them and that the BS has won. If the BS sees themselves as second best, the consolation prize, how can they heal?

Maybe. It's a pretty terrible disrespectful judgment, as well.


Didn't one of Dr. Harley's couples in Surviving an Affair have exactly that situation? Have you read it?

Point taken. I appologize. Removed from my post.

Imagine Mr Pep is posting on MB. (He doesn't, but just imagine he does)
And, a BW asks MY HUSBAND to go back and recall any fond memories he has/once had of OW. Especially sexual memories.
How disrespectful of MY marriage would that be?

I respect WPG and her H and her M.

I know you meant no harm, but I trust you now see this from the perspective of harming another marriage. I feel certain you will correct others who may make this same error.

I have ready SAA, HNHN, and started LB. I will look back for a part of a story talking about getting over the feeling of being "second best or the consolation prize".

Are you walking away from your mountain of resentments?

Thank you for your FR share.
You may not realize how many people you help.

Hang in there.
It will get better.

I was called out and rightfully so! No intentions of inducing painful memories to anyone on this board for me to gain perspective.

Pepperband,

I am the FWW, we are walking away from our mountain of resentments holding hands. But there are days that we must teleport back toward the mountain for a few hours or a day.

Ha! ... "teleport".

I know you are the wayward. Waywards usually have a "mountain" as well.

What is your timeline?
D-day?
More than one D-day?
How fast were you to surrender all you could about your affair?

OK, back to resentment.


I haven't suffered as much as some people, but I do know what BS pain feels like and I could NEVER have imagined it.

If I thought about it at all, I assumed a Betrayed Version of Me, (BVoM) would be a sort of Beyonce video, throwing his bags out the door and assuring him I could 'get another you in a minute'

Then kicking back with friends and laughing his lying [censored].

Then I would come back with a bump to 'reality' and realise my H would NEVER do that to me and I didn't really have to worry about it.

I had no idea that the real BVoM would take nearly a year to limp away from pain that felt PHYSICAL. Like a rusty knife in the gut. I'd had no idea that emotional pain could manifest physically. That it would make me cry out like a wounded thing.

So I'm not sure how a wayward could know that.

Nevertheless they DO KNOW it will hurt. And consider it worth the price of getting what thay want.

I'm a year out and I can honestly say I'm not resentful.

I can still see the mountain, but it doesn't loom. I am not in its shadow.

I don't hate and resent my H. I hope he becomes a good person on his own, after I move on.

Instead of resentment, I am moved to pity for the day he sees the mountain he created is casting a shadow so dark that nothing grows in his life.

I wonder how he will free himself from that darkness. But I have.