Well I should have known that after a day of unusual anger by her where she found reasons to start in on the same old arguments again, that she wouldn't come home tonight. I know she filed for D and we are only a month away from court but it still hurts.

If I knew with who I'd consider exposing again but I don't and Im tired of feeling like this. Its been three years now since the behaviors started to change and 2 years since the first A started. It's been hard emotionally. Someday I hope I can find someone who is capable of being in a loving relationship. Besides my kids, 23 years of my life have been wasted. I try to come up with reasons. Me, her, drugs, alcohol, men. All of the above. My heart hurts.

I'm sorry you are going through this sbt. Your ww seems to be taking full advantage her ability to legally establish that she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants with whomever she wants however she wants for as long as she wants without regards for who she might be affecting by her actions. Moms simply dont stay out all night unaccounted for.

But you have to live with it because somehow questioning her behavior somehow makes you the bad guy and puts you in an unfavorable light in the court you're involved with.

I bet a lot of waywards would be very jealous of your wife.

Did the kids notice their mom's absence?

The kids didn't know. She was back before anyone was awake in the morning. That's been her pattern when she has done this before as well.

I'm glad you said what you said. I question myself sometimes. Regardless of what happened its wrong right? She claims she drank too much and needed to wait before she drive home. I think "youre a mother of five kids. Why are you drinking so much you need to wait until 5:30 am to drive home?".

Btw, I don't necessarily believe her either. I will never know if she is telling me the truth. I just tell myself that what I don't know doesn't matter because what I DO know (that she was gone from 9-5:30) is enough...and it's wrong...even in a healthy marriage situation. Right??

Also, I found an expert today who completely dismantled the original custody evaluation. Now I need to work quickly to get a bunch of work done to prepare for trial.

Yes. What she is doing is wrong. Don't let her gaslight you, my friend.
Please explain gaslighting

I'm sure you're already doing this, but you documented her being out all night, correct?

Yes. Wrote it downin my journal, took a picture of the empty space in the garage and got her explanation in text.

Well, SBT, this is the best news I've heard in a long time.

I have the impression that the fear your ww has instilled in you has been paralyzing. I've been saying that I believe the separation period of divorce will actually give you some clarity. I think being out of the turmoil (to whatever extent it turns out to be) will be good for you personally, and indirectly for the kids. So, all this in conjunction with removing some of the fear of losing your kids in the process, I should think, will be a big plus for you and your family.

HE with the most paper usually wins in court. Come up with a detailed timeline if you don't already have one -- use your thread to remind you of all the salacious details. If they don't read it, they might weigh it...

opt

Can you explain what this expert picked apart? How? What is he/she saying is wrong with the original custody. I am very interested as I want to be able to be on top of this for myself. How did you find this person? You are showing such strengh and perseverance. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

LB3, if I may: SBT's ww has been successful in putting together an extremely advantageous and intimidating position for herself. She apparently has a lawyer who has managed to turn all of SBT's efforts to save the marriage (like exposing her affair, and trying to get help from people that love him and his wife) into devious unlawful acts. She has somehow managed to secure a custody evaluation proclaiming herself to be supremely capable of caring for the kids, in spite of evidence to the contrary; she has pre-emptively won almost full custody. If you haven't read the entire thread it's worth seeing just how devious people can be.

[t/j]I have a friend who has started an initiative in Massachusetts to make shared custody the DEFAULT in divorce cases. [He has had to fight tooth and nail and at prodigious personal expense to win a modicum of custody of his 2 kids. Their marriage ended due to infidelity on her part.]
Thus far, he has been awarded a congressional team to investigate and debate the issue once a month in hopes of coming up with a bill. On that small team is a divorce lawyer who is staunchly opposed to the concept; to the core.

Problem is, there is a lot of money wrapped up in the destruction of families.

Seems to me that when someone like that lawyer gets involved with some of these infidelity situations, they see nothing but dollar signs. It's very sad, in my view. [end t/j]

I know the truth will come out SBT. I hope you're working hard on that journal. It will definitely come in handy and very much in your favor someday.

opt

opt, I have read the whole thread. I am really amazed at how she was able to get everything to go her way. I want to avoid being put in any similar situation by my manipulative husband. I am not quite sure what he is capable of. He REALLY does not want to look bad, so if he could get primary custody or something, (which would be the abolutely worst thing for the children) it would give him something to make it look like it was my fault. He eluded to something of the sort last year. So, I was asking sbt for the who, how and what for my benefit.

By the way, I have been on this site for over a year. I just didn't take the advice given to me. I am seeing all of your wisdom now.

SBT, you haven't told your children that their mother is with another man?

I told them the truth in age appropriate ways when A started. I haven't told then anything since D started because it is used against me. I think the words used were "exposing the kids to adult issues.". It doesn't go over well with child welfare "experts" and the court.

No, the words are "telling the truth". I understand that your fear keeps you from acting, but I think you should at least consider making sure part of the divorce agreement prohibits your WW from having men with her when your children are with her - particularly men staying overnight.

Why are you still trying to Plan A your WW and meet her ENs? That should have stopped long ago. Focus on your legal issues and your children and forget about your WW other than avoiding AO and DJs...not for marital recovery but because you don't want to give her any ammo against you.

I would move out of the bedroom. Can your youngest boys bunk together and you take one of their beds? If not, sleep on the couch and don't hide it from your kids either. SF with this woman would be out the window too.

Back later...

Yes. You are probably right. She has shown no sign of wanting to do the work for recovery. She is dead set on being the victim. Now she is insinuating I am having an affair and have had sex with lots of women during our marriage. That's nuts. But hard for me to defend myself because it never happened.

You can't prove a negative. I believe that's one of the first established facts in the known universe.

Has she offered any proof, however, to her claim? Do the kids know that it's not polite to make accusations unless you're sure of the facts? Do your kids understand the devastating effects that unfounded rumors can have on someone's life? Have you talked with the kids about living in truth and honesty, and how unhappy people get when they shroud their lives in lies and false claims?

How are you difending yourself and your honor, SBT? Have you called everyone you know to let them know that you indeed have been faithful and tried your best to be a good father and husband? Would any of them be willing to approach your wife and ask them for proof of her statements?

Have you countered her calims with an offer of unlimited Extraordinary Precautions? [The MB way to approach a complaint by a spouse is to make them feel safe again...is she interested in that?]

Perhaps people in your life would find it interesting that in spite of your offer to be accountable for every minute of the day, your wife would rather hurl ugly accusations than actually pursue the truth?

I know I keep saying this, but you are going to be so much better off with her out of your life. She sounds like she has serious psychosocial issues, based on your posts. I still think you're having trouble seeing the forest due to the tree that keeps beating you with it's limbs.

Also, to repeat: the truth will prevail. Good behavior will be rewarded. Eliminating LB's and developing boundaries will be the example to set for the kids; and it sounds like they desperately need a good example.

opt

Wow. That's why I like this place.

No. I haven't approached the kids about these things. I need to do it in a way that doesn't make me look guilty. I think I will just talk to them about the importance of being honest. Something I have done anyway but maybe it's time for a refresher.

I don't want to say "mom has been saying this and it's not true". That's what she did when I expose her A. I refused to bring the kids into it any more by showing them the proof (texts, etc). I just won't do that to them. She has told them she didn't drink either. But I have hundreds of pictures of bottles hidden in the house from last year. I could have shown those to my kids but didn't. She told them she only drank when we drank together.

She has carved a pretty big dividing line between my friends and hers. My friends would never believe I had an A. Her friends would never believe me if I told them that. They support her 100%.

What's hard to take it the alliance she creates between herself and the kids. Especially my oldest. If you look back in my thread you will see that she was exposed to everything. Even to the point that she called the OM "papa". It made me sick. Now she supports her mom 100% and is helping spread her moms message to the other kids.

It would also be a lot easier if she were like this all the time. She seems to flip back and forth between the loving, caring person I married and this monster trying to screw me. She is always super loving to the kids (in a manipulative kind of way).

I like the idea of countering it with an offer of unlimited exaordinary precautions. I would think that may have an impact even on her allies.

That's a common accusation.
After exposure my wife accused me of having an affair with her affair partners wife! (I had never met the lady but she was giving me some info)

I wouldn't move out of the bedroom though. I didn't in fact I started sleeping in the nude LOL. Just make sure you keep a recorder on at all times to protect against any rape allegations (also very common)

You mention hidden alcohol bottles ?

Are you seeking full custody of your kids?

Is she an alcoholic?

So you attend AlAnon meetings?

Has a Guardian ad Litem been appointed to represent the children?

Yes. Over the course of 2011 I found vodka bottles hidden around the house. I confronted her and she stopped hiding them in the house and hid them in an office room she had access to. When she found out I knew about that she stopped hiding them there. I honestly don't know if she is still drinking.


I'm seeking 50/50 after she completes a treatment program.


I believe she was drinking heavily, hiding it and mixing it with prescription drugs. I believe she did this to cope with her perceived problems with the marriage. I believe these are all signs she had a problem. I don't know if she is still drinking.


I did for about a year. I stopped going because the group was dying and alternative groups didn't work in my schedule.


No. I don't know anything about this.