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Originally Posted by worried4mygirl
She confirmed the A by complaining that BW read in her diary (which she left in their house)

Is she a friend of theirs staying over? Or were they having their A under the BWs roof?

Bit of an invasion of her LIFE to have an affair at all but especially to do such a thing in this womans hone if so.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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She's already thinking about moving out. To where exactly, not to her father definitely not, not on her own...no money, not into his house with his wife....

I wish I were kidding when I say this, my X is a Narcissistic Psychopath who abused me for 20 years and wanted nothing to do with the children until he wanted custody, then destroyed our relationships so he can have a free life. At the time, X had symptoms of a WH. Turns out he was having an affair with himself. All about him. 7 years of living the hell of parental alienation and counting. My D here is his latest discarded victim.

PA is like living in a cult. Children with Parental Alienation Syndrome become very much like child soldiers in the war the alienating rages on the targeted parent who has "defected". I wouldn't wish PA on anyone. Anyone who says PA is junk science should count their blessings they have never had to live with it.

My D is looking for "stability". She thinks she's found it with this guy. What she needs is time and space to breathe, to discover who she is and to heal from the trauma she's suffered. In reality, he's rescued her from having to face herself. Dependence is a lousy way to start any relationship.

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To his wife, she says they are "just friends". BW has medical issues that keep her housebound.

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Originally Posted by worried4mygirl
To his wife, she says they are "just friends". BW has medical issues that keep her housebound.
Did I read something wrong? I thought his wife found a diary your daughter left at their house, where she admits to having sex with him.

And how in the world did that happen?? Is she passing herself off as a family friend of theirs and staying overnight or something? How is it possible that her diary would come to be in the possession of BW?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by worried4mygirl
She thinks she's found it with this guy. What she needs is time and space to breathe, to discover who she is and to heal from the trauma she's suffered. In reality, he's rescued her from having to face herself. Dependence is a lousy way to start any relationship.

w4mg. That's a cute way to think of it. Honestly, in reality, this guy is just preying on your D. He is living the high life with his 2 women.

Expose this rat to the light of day. Privacy is for the bathroom...not enabling destructive behaviour. Are you sure that he is 40yrs? I know a few that have lied to make the age difference appear more acceptable.

I'm sorry to hear your story. You need to stand for what is right...it is not easy but is the best for your D. Don't let her guilt trip you.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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Originally Posted by worried4mygirl
I just sent BW a message with what I know and how I know it. We'll see what happens.

When the person having the affair complains about "invasion of privacy", what's the best way to respond to them?

You did just great! If your DD complains about an invasion of privacy, I would tell her "YOU BETCHA!!" Remind her that she invaded this woman's privacy by having an affair with her husband.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I would also invite her to find a new place to live. Give her 2 weeks to find new digs. She is an adult and is way too old to be sponging off her mommy. Much less carrying on her affair IN YOUR HOME. How shameful that she conducts herself in your home this way. I would be furious if my child behaved like a common street wh*re right under my roof. That is disrespectful to you!

Your DD sorely needs a wakeup call and exposing her affair and throwing her out into the real world will be the wake up call she needs. She will thank you when she grows up.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by worried4mygirl
Hi,
I used to be on these boards years ago for myself. Now I could use some information regarding my 22y/o daughter's situation. I found out recently that she's involved with a 40 y/o married man. She is not the first person he's had an affair with behind his wife's back. I found out today they are not using condoms and my daughter has a vaginal infection.

He still lives with his wife, uses her phone, drives her car, has not filed legal papers for separation. However, he and my daughter are talking marriage.

Typically, they have both lied to my face about everything.

Serial cheaters cannot be trusted. She is so deep in the fog I am afraid for her. I'm also concerned for his wife's health and safety. She has a right to know what her husband is doing.

I'd appreciate any guidance you can give.

I have a 23 year old DD.
She lives with us.
Does your DD live with you?

If she does, give her a written 2 weeks notice to move out.
Tell her that she is making choices inconsistent with the values you hold, and therefore she must live elsewhere.

And, back every word by moving her things out on the lawn in 2 weeks.
No empty threats. Real promises.

Go tell OMW. It's the right thing to do and may save your DD a mountain of hurt she has no concept about.

Dumb girls make me want to shake them !!

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DD was at BW home when she left to go out with "her friend" (WH). The diary had slipped out of her bag. BW found it. Read about the sex. Then BW confronted DD about it. DD defriended BW from social media and stopped going to the house. Tyrsts happen elsewhere. Including DD's bedroom while I was sleeping.

I know I may have to ask her to leave if she refuses to stop all contact with WH. I'm relunctant to give her 2 weeks notice. Her father changed the locks on the house without telling her at night, in winter without clothes, belongings or medication. 4 days later he informed her she doesn't live there anymore. It took him 2 months to get around to arranging for her to pick up her stuff. She's been denied all contact with her siblings for the last 8 months. 7 years ago, she was allowed to think that I had abandoned her. In other words, she already has huge abandonment issues and is hypersensitive to any criticism. I'm the only family she has right now.

I arranged for her own funding and included her on my lease so that she cannot be asked to leave without 60 days notice.

DD is operating at the age of trauma (15 y/o). She may be 22 on the outside but 15 on the inside. I'm not making excuses for her. This is a kid who's struggling to find her way. Under other circumstances chronological age would be appropriate. Not right now. She's not there yet to be able to cope without a nervous breakdown. She does see a psychiatrist on a regular basis. We're on the waiting list for family therapy. I can probably guess what she tells him....

He is definitely 40. He could be her father. However, listening to him reminds me of my male friends in highschool. (not much maturity there) He's definitely cake eating. His response to DD lying to me about their relationship and not filing for legal separation was "whatever". He's only thinking about himself and his one brain that is situated below his shoulders.

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w4myg, your DD is a grown up now. Of course she is a 15 yr old inside because you treat her like a 15 year old. I would not expect otherwise. That is no surprise. That will not change until you push her out of the nest and stop treating her like a child. You are harming her by depriving her of the adult experience of becoming self supporting.

Kick her out, w4mg. That is the best thing for her. If she needs "therapy" she is an adult and can get it on her own.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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One of the reasons your DD has such a poor, undeveloped character is because she has never had to fend for herself. That is how people develop character and learn the necessary adult skills to survive.

Her "abandonment" issues is a pack of nonsense and a big distraction from teaching her how to be an adult. She needs to know that you love her enough to NOT support her while she acts like a skank and destroys another woman's family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And I tell you this as the mother of a 30 year old who piddled away his 20's making bad choices while sponging off his father. He took the long, slow way through college, wasted his time in no win jobs and had no direction. As long as he lived with his father he never got anywhere in life because he never had to work for it.

I let him come to my town [he lived with his father in a small town up north] when he was 26 and allowed him to live with me for 3 months. In that time I expected him to get a good job and move out. And he knew I meant business and was scared to death. He is now the delivery supervisor of a fortune 500 company making a very good living and living in his own home. His car is paid for and he pays all his bills on time.

He is a wonderful man of character who learned to be completely self sufficient. He has a great future in his company. I have enormous respect for him.

Don't comtribute to your DD's crippled state, Ma'am. Help her become an able adult instead of an emotional cripple who lives off hers momma because of her "abandonment issues."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I wish I could explain her emotional state better. She was making progress until this happened. It's put her right back. She's been a cutter and suicidal in the past. I know tough love is in order. I want to do this without putting her at more risk.

I plan to respond to her possible indignant:
"I'm moving out"

with:
"That's a good idea. Your continuing secrets and lies with this married man are hurting our relationship. I'm giving you 60 days notice from today to find your own place and am willing to help you do so."

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My DD was on the verge of a physical affair, but it had already become an emotional one on her part. The MM was a player, so I don't believe he had any intentions other than a good time at my DD's expense.

I called his wife. He came to me and aked me to stop calling his wife because he and DD were "just friends". I told him that a married man had no business being friends with a single woman and that I expected him to cut off all contact. I told him to write DD a letter that his wife approved of to cut off all contact. He did.

WWIII broke out for a bit, but DD is now glad that I save her butt, since MM got into drugs and eventually arrested for operating a meth lab. His wife had already divorced him.

I just told my DD that I didn't care how old she was...that I would not stand by and let her do wrong. Now, we're probably closer than ever, and she has much more respect for me.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Originally Posted by worried4mygirl
I plan to respond to her possible indignant:
"I'm moving out"

with:
"That's a good idea. Your continuing secrets and lies with this married man are hurting our relationship. I'm giving you 60 days notice from today to find your own place and am willing to help you do so."

Perfect! But you have to hold her to it. It will kill you to do it, but if you want her to grow up, you have to follow through. You will see amazing results in a few years. I look at my son and I am AMAZED at how much he has grown up these past 4 years. He is not the same man!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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"She needs to know that you love her enough to NOT support her while she acts like a skank and destroys another woman's family."

I completely agree with this statement. I know everyone means well. It sounds like the message to me is "stop being afraid and do it".

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I don't understand something. If her father had custody of all the kids and then kicked her out, were you a WW when you divorced, or did you just let him have custody? How did that happen? I'm just trying to understand the dynamic here. What was your previous posting name?

As far as your daughter being mentally 15 years old, that makes it even worse that this scoundrel is having an affair with her. As her mother, the best thing you can do for her is NOT support her in any way, financially or emotionally while she's wayward. Time for her to grow up. Who pays for her psychiatric visits? Does she work?

Mom, be a good mom and teach her boundaries. Let OM pick up the tab. Watch him run for the hills when he thinks he's responsible for her.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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She and I already went through something like this 4 years ago (no A, just disrespectful behaviour). I told her the door swings both ways. I'd love to stay and show respecting. Or the door is open if you choose to be disrespectful. She walked out. I didn't see her or hear from her for another 1.5 years. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. It killed me inside. But it was one of the best things I ever did. Up until this, it definitely improved our relationship.

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Originally Posted by worried4mygirl
She and I already went through something like this 4 years ago (no A, just disrespectful behaviour). I told her the door swings both ways. I'd love to stay and show respecting. Or the door is open if you choose to be disrespectful. She walked out. I didn't see her or hear from her for another 1.5 years. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. It killed me inside. But it was one of the best things I ever did. Up until this, it definitely improved our relationship.

An adult should not be mooching off her mommy. It cripples her ability to grow into a self sufficient adult. Your DD has serious character issues and being out on her own and self sufficient may help turn that around.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Psychiatrists are covered in Ontario by universal healthcare.

My previous posts were removed for safety reasons. I forfeited custody because I was under his influence "brainwashed" by him.

Setting boundaries for XH was started all of this. Narcissistic Psychopaths NPs don't like hearing the words NO MORE.

"Let OM pick up the tab. Watch him run for the hills when he thinks he's responsible for her."
Part of his excuse for not filing legal papers is because "he can't afford to move out."
I say "too bad, so sad".

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