Was his ex a psycho girlfriend because he said so, or because you actually met her in person and observed such behavior?? I always see red flags when a man describes an ex as "psycho".

Surely a man who has been cheated on multiple times would understand and not wish to put his wife through questionable female Facebook connections, right? Why would it make sense that he would flip out over that because he was cheated on in the past? His behavior indicates the OPPOSITE of someone who is wounded from cheating.

Having female friends on FB is for teen boys. Please do not let his AO's con you into thinking that this is normal or okay?

His behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Do you understand that? You will have the marriage you allow and tolerate yourself having.

Read the links on angry outbursts. They prescribe tough medicine, because a marriage plagued by AOs is no marriage at all.

Did you see this?

Why is avoiding conflict a goal? Healthy marriages have lots of conflict. They just don't fight! He wants to do one thing, she wants to do another, they DO NOT handle it with selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts; instead they negotiate lovingly and respectfully until they have an outcome that both husband and wife can be enthusiastic about.

Dr. Harley has a great marriage, and he says he and his wife Joyce have one conflict every hour, on average!

Conflict avoiders do not fare well in marriage, and one thing that happens around here is we help people learn to work through conflict instead of avoiding it and letting problems pile up.

If by "conflict" you mean his anger -- I think you need to understand that you are not the cause of his anger. His angry outbursts are his choice how to respond to what you do. If he doesn't like it, he could address it by simply talking respectfully, couldn't he?

I suppose I am afraid of his anger. I feel so broken and weak right now. I know I can't let it go on like this but I'm sick with anxiety and sadness and it seems pretty impossible. And I'm going to a back to school bash tonight to meet people at my new teaching job. How I'm ever going to pretend to be congenial is beyond me.

Yes I've seen it and read it. Actually that's some of the first information I read on this site but I was rereading it yesterday.

I do have quite a bit of evidence other than his word that she was psycho. But as he said she would put him under the microscope and was suspicious of everything and it turned out she was cheating. And this was the beginning a long traumatic experience for him in which she made him doubt his very being.

I understand why he was upset, I can't fathom why he finally blew his top and started being so cruel.

I told him I need him to get back on the Lexapro and get anger management counseling but he just said he wouldn't sit here and let me make this about him and his problems.

(rather than about my problems i.e. the huge trust issue I have created by friending his female facebook friends and implying that I don't trust him and now he doesn't know who I am)

I feel so much despair right now.

I said (and I'm sure I made mistakes but I'm too distraught):

I feel like your anger is controlling you and I don't even know who you are half the time these days. Everytime you get upset you just lash out more and more. I try to do my best not to do the same to you. I understand this trust incident is an issue but this anger problem has been going on a lot longer and I need you to seriously consider that you do have an anger problem. That you do go off the deep end when you get angry. That you have been doing it for a long time. It's unfortunate that this issue got mixed up in this, but I really want you to consider going ahead and going back on the lexapro and also I need you do some anger management courses. I don't feel safe with you when you are angry and I should have realized this a long time ago. It's like you are temporarily our of your senses.

I want to have a happy fulfilling marriage to you where you get your needs met but with the threat of your angry outbursts constantly hanging over every discussion we have I can't imagine that is going to happen.

Have you talked to the ex?

How did your H find out about your requesting spree? Did you tell him, did he snoop, or did someone alert him to your activities?

I suggest you review Dr. Harley's articles regularly until this problem is handled. We found that we kept picking up new things every time we read them.

Be sure to read/review this list of articles from Dr. Harley:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2640613#Post2640613

I told him when he saw me looking at one friends page. I said actually I friended her and some other women on your list. I know I probably handled it badly and I didn't think about it beforehand. Didn't use the POJA (not that he is on board)

Anyway he's still insisting this act of mine makes me psychotic and that he can no longer trust me about anything. I think he believes it.

So right now I'm thinking that when he comes back into the house I should ask him again about the medication and anger management counseling. And if he refuses to talk? Or refuses to do these things? I'm thinking based on what I've read here that I should separate from him? If I did that I would think the best idea would be to go to my parents house.

I'm so scared of the confrontation and emotional hurt.

Jess, not my area, but I do want to encourage you to stay right here. Others will offer more help. A great way to pass time? Go to the home page here and start reading Basic Concepts. No kidding...you will learn a lot in general. I despise "therapy" people. This ain't it. I like facts...

Right now?? Not sure what time zone you are in, but if it even close to dark, do nothing. Eat something and go to bed.

Doubt I can sleep. He has sequestered himself in the garage. Don't know when to do something if not now.

Do something when you can do it from a place of strength, with calmness.

Hello dear, how are you today?

I hope you are taking care of yourself. This is a very stressful time for you - it would be for anyone in your shoes.

For the record, I don't think you're "TooSensitive" - your needs and feelings are completely valid. Your man's anger at your snooping is a red flag: when my husband snoops on me, I think, "meh. there's nothing to see. snoop away." If your man is blowing up at you, this means he's got something to hide and he's trying to get you to back off.

Anger is just one strategy people use to try to control others. Another is disrespectful judgements. Did he call you "too sensitive?" That's a great way to throw you off track and focus on "your problem" of being nervous/jealous/fearful. What's really happening is that he's DOING THINGS that cause you to be nervous, etc.

Dr. H says that a jealous spouse generally has GOOD REASON to feel jealous, because the other spouse is doing something that makes them nervous.

Negative feelings are an indication that something is wrong. They are like physical pain - would you ignore the pain of a sprained ankle? No. Then please don't ignore the pain of fear and sadness. Something's broken and you need to get help. Once you can acknowledge that you deserve a loving relationship full of respect, safety, and care from your man, you can start working on the problems. If you keep telling yourself that you don't matter....well, he won't think so either and you'll continue to spiral into the dark.

I believe you know all of this, and that's why you are here. I am confident that you'll get through this, and become a stronger happier woman!

Toosensitive, I've been reading your thread and I can relate to your reactions. How you describe your reactions was how I used to react when something bothered me. DH would get angry and I'd feel hurt and continue to hound him even when he tried to walk away to calm down. Read the materials and posts here. They helped me tremendously. I try to wait until I am not so emotional after something hurts me that DH did or said. If my hurt was a reaction to something he had said in frustration or anger I let us both calm down from it.

That old way of handling things always led to a fight and a really bad one, because neither of us was thinking clearheaded. It is definitely hard to not react when something has hurt, but it will not be the end of the world to come back to it when you are clearer headed. Things will go much more positively. It took me seeing things get talked out calmly and with a resolution for me to really open my eyes to how destructive my behavior was being. My DH used to say my following him around made him feel like some caged animal.

I'd also say that I think Zhamila's post to you was very good. I thought it was very good advice. Stick around here and keep posting and reading. You are in the right place.