I was not "walking away" from my resentment mountain.
I was standing atop and throwing rocks.

Love-bank deposits?
Methinks not.

A little Dr Harley to keep this on topic.......

One of the big wounds made by adultery-discovery is the betrayed's inability to distinguish between what is real and what is not.

I remember looking through photo albums of pictures taken during H's secret adultery. I thought we were happy. I thought those times were as happy and as meaningful for H as they were for me.

It did not help that I read WH's love letter to OW and he said something like:

"Is this real? It's so good, is must be real."

My conclusion? Their reality during those *secret adultery* times was "real", while my reality during those times was not real. I read this same thing a lot from the newbie-BS on the SAA forum.

Love-bank resistance and resentments both seem insurmountable when the BS cannot tell real from not real. Or, more precisely put, cannot trust his/her own judgment to discern the difference!

~~~> It is my opinion that the BS cannot begin their walk away from resentment mountain until they trust themselves and their own judgment.

Attempted Love-bank deposits by the FWS will be rejected by their BS (or analyzed to death) as long as the BS has a significant level of self doubt.

Stunning logic, Pep. The A makes everything feel fake and counterfeit. AND IT WAS. For a while there...

It's why I think I have 'the Truth will set you free' in my sig.

In a way though, isn't the resentful spouse wise? As long as she can temper it and keep it respectful?

After being paid counterfeit money for so long, there's nothing wrong with saying:

'Show me the REAL money'
'Prove it's validity'.
'Your credit and ability to make LB deposits at this bank is ruined for the forseeable future'.

But a bank owed funds wouldnt turn down money, when it's backed up by a guarantee.

That's why a polygraph, NC letter, Post Nup, are together worth more than the sum of their parts. It is the WS trying to rebuild credibility with proof through actions.

Even after that, there is a test of stability and consistency to be proved over time.
Much like a credit rating

EXCELLENT stuff. Please keep going.

AM

Your obviously an intelligent woman and have struggled with resentment BV. Not to be flippant but I'm sorry you are so smart. At the time these mountains come into our lives, most of us in a personal relationship try to handle it all, and the result most of the time is resentment

Why me? I gave them every chance, I operated with integrity and forgiveness, why can't I put it in the past?

The intelligence God gave you WILL eventually lead you out of the woods, where you will find peace from all this, whether you recover your marrige or not. I hope you recover, and because you think, your thoughts will be the key

I'm not trying to tell you you must comply to recovery, or convince you to forgive him, this site has the tools better than anything I recognize, but that is up to you, your own personal journey, emotions, and of course, your free will choice. That is clear from Dr Hs teaching, and spirit that keeps marriages alive and healthy. They are supposed to add to us, not reduce us

That's why God is involved

Divorcing him does not mean you are not a Godly person either, so I won't go there.

Start your own thread, and let us all dedicate ourselves to your situation. I can't promise the help like from a professional like Dr H, but the care and interest that will be shown you will help you sort out what you need to heal

�We forge the chains we wear in life.�

~ Charles Dickens

I refuse to waste my life throwing rocks!

I refuse to live in victimhood.

I cast away both those chains.

Then what?

Corrie ten Boom is my heroine.


When my rock-throwing-pitching-arm grew weary ... (By the way, all that rock-throwing made me look stupid to myself )

.... but my heart was still breaking .... What did I do?

Stay tuned.

I support all of these MB-based actions as the waywards journey back to the marriage. You are correct - these are all WS-centric activities. Wayward credibility.


It is my opinion that none of the above WS tasks adequately addresses the betrayed's lack of confidence in their own ability to discern truth from lies in the future.

I believe the lack of confidence you are talking about is huge. Although I had had many professional and personal successes, after the A and especially after the FR, I felt almost no self confidence. I felt like the "nothing" in the "The Neverending Story". I was unsure of my preceptions, was out of tune with current events around me. And I couldn't even consider the future.

I think the only thing that can change this lack of confidence is time. The more current reality is consistent with preception, the better the confidence. I think, maybe.



AM

I surrendered.

I was in my bedroom closet, door closed.
On my knees weeping. There, I surrendered.
I hated my rock throwing.
I hated my lack of confidence.
I hated not having the answers.

I surrendered.

The origin of The Serenity Prayer is attributed to Niebuhr:


I acknowledge this as my blueprint for expunging my heart of my resentments.

I once wrote to BobPure ... "Sooner or later you will have to give up hope for a better yesterday."

This is surrendering.

The most important thing is this: We accept that we cannot change the past.
We cannot change others.
We have the courage to change ourselves.

Off soap box now.

After surrender ... what then?

Back to MB basics, naturally.


Just 4 simple rules.
How hard could it be, right?


OMG it's sooooooooooooo hard!

But, there it is.
4 simple (not easy) rules.

Using resentment as a punishment is a direct violation to rule #1.

Once a couple considers themselves to be "in recovery" process .... the rules are not divided.

Such as:
Rules for the BS.
Rules for the WS.

No. Dr Harley is very clear.
One set of rules.
Love bank filling.
No withdrawals.

Excellent!

I hated my rock throwing.
I hated my lack of confidence.
I hated not having the answers.

I surrendered.

To.....?

Fate? Chance? The Almighty? Your WH's whims and choices?

Your timeline is not all that clear as to the date of your capitulation, Pep, and how long your rock-throwing endured, but I'm not sure all BSs can comfortably...abdicate...management of their own recovery process to anyone/thing. (From an extremely limited sample-size, it appears to be a gender-based issue.)

For me it required the mental construct of "ending it" with bride number 1, and concurrently beginning a new life with bride number 2 (or anyway, bride number 1A). I invested and assigned all resentment to that first person, leaving myself free to dispassionately analyze the potential of the second to NOT betray me as did the first. Some of the other BHs here have heard this from me, and it seems to have helped them (or at least they were kind enough to inform me I was full of **it!).

Regardless of the methodology, though, it does seem necessary (theoretically and experientially) that there needs to be some way of forming a break between the reality of what happened, and the forecast of what will never happen again, if the marriage is to re-flourish, resentment being an alias for "suppressed suspicion".

Statistically speaking, it is much harder to detect falsehood from a spouse than from a stranger. In repeated, controlled studies on the topic, people average about 50% falsehood detection when a stranger is telling the falsehood. These same people average about 25% falsehood detection when a spouse tells them the falsehood.

Moral of the story: you're inclined to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt much more than a stranger would, and if your spouse is lying to you you are MUCH less likely than a stranger would be to detect it.

The most important take-away is this, as Dr. Harley often says on the radio show:

"You can trust everybody under some conditions, and you cannot trust anybody under other conditions." He commonly uses the example that your spouse is probably perfectly trustworthy when you are snuggled up alone together on the couch at home talking and exchanging affection. The spouse would be less trustworthy if out at a singles bar with some friends.

Trust is not a lightbulb. The purpose of "extraordinary precautions" is to create the conditions in your marriage under which you can trust one another. If those conditions are not present, you cannot trust one another to one degree or another.

Under what conditions can you trust your spouse? Under what conditions can you not trust them? Figure that out, and you're well on your way.

Pep,

I read your story yesterday with interest.

I have a question:

Would you say that the change you made was a change in behavior, a change in beliefs, or a change in feelings?

That is powerful imagery...building on that, what about the possibility that there are others who stand on top of their mountain of resentment and don't necessarily throw rocks, but have instead built themselves a fortress? I wonder if in those cases, the FWS can never hope to breach those walls. And, you (the FWS) can't blame them for needing to protect themselves from you, especially after giving them a reason to need protection.