I will get in contact with him today. I know I've read on here the proper way to break this news to him about the affair. My wife and him are probably the closest within their family. I want to make sure that her brother supports her and our marriage and doesn't just get upset about the affair and tries disown her. I feel that my wife and I are in the recovery stage of this affair and I don't want this is news to her brother to be more problematic then good. My wife's parents divorced years ago after 18 years of marriage and her brother is still resentful to the parents for how their marriage ended up. Any advice so this doesn't backfire and hurt our recovery process. Thanks.

Any advice so this doesn't backfire and hurt our recovery process.

Uhh-ohhh! I detect that you have seen her before play the "Oh-woe-is-me" passive-aggressive crap.

You know the type: "Oh, do want you want (go fishing, expose to family, buy a truck), honey", and then await the smallest problem (you get home late, her brother disowns her, the truck gets a flat) and then she plays the injured party, making you feel like it's your fault.

I HATED THAT CRAP and thankfully bride stopped it when she saw that it was not going to work.

You have to prepare her beforehand for brother's reaction options. She must accept that HIS choice is a result, not of YOUR current action, but of HER prior choice. If she persists in trying to play out her melodrama, you must disengage (because otherwise she gets EXACTLY what she wants.)

...the proper way to break this news to him about the affair.

"Hey, bro, just wanted to tell you that sis used your pad as a brothel to bang another guy!" Let's assume that's the worst way to do it. There ain't going to be a great way.

Kgaa, you don't have any control over how her brother reacts to the news, so I wouldn't let that stop you. Telling him will help your recovery, it won't hurt it, regardless of his reaction. If I were him, I would be furious if my sibling used my home for such sleazy purposes. She is a big gurl and is fully capable of facing the consequences of her actions. Let her be a big gurl.

Kgaa, can you be more specific about why you think telling him would hurt your recovery? Part of recovery is making amends to others. It does not harm recovery, it is part of the process.

I understand and will be courtous in telling him to get the truth out. I think I was more concerned about the timing than anything...should of done it early on i think so as not to rehash the A, when brothef decides to talk with WW about A. I know Dr. H strongly suggests not bringing the A up in reccovery. I feel the biggest advantage to telling him is that my W will be able to move on as an honest person and not have a dark cloud over her head when it comes to their relationship. I Dont want anything chewing away at my W because of lies, i think that will only eat away apt her as a person as well as hurt our marriage. Ww never expressed not wanting her brother t know, just has not been done...

Kgaa, Dr Harley gives that advice to spouses; her brother is not her spouse. It's ok for her and her brother to discuss it. She owes him the truth as part of making amends.


Exactly. It will help her recovery in that regard.


It will not hurt her or your marriage. That might be a consequence of her actions. It helps her to face that. Facing consequences of our bad behavior makes us BETTER PEOPLE, not worse. Evading the consequences of our bad behavior reflects a person who is not sincere about changing. People who are sincere don't run from facing the consequences.

And you can discuss her brother's reaction to the news without dragging out the affair. I would view this as a positive exercise in her recovery, not a negative rehashing of the affair. Making amends is a positive exercise, rehashing the affair [with you] is a negative exercise.

Thanks..melodylane you have really helped out, as well as others....WW has commited to our MB books and fine tuning our EP...I have thought of getting the dvd's related to LB and HNHN just to keep us on track..we r following the wrkbook and workimg on chp 1-8 in LB...I still worry about recontact not so much by effort by WW but them crossing paths and OM engaging her. Feel mike I'm kinda in a "wait and see patern"....thanks again.....

You are right to be concerned about that because that is how many affairs are resumed. It is important to eliminate the opportunities for a chance meeting even if it involves moving. We have had marriages that were months into recovery end up in divorce over a chance meeting.

...recontact not so much by effort by WW but them crossing paths and OM engaging her.

That is always the primary fear as rebuilding starts. SHE owes you a series of plans for what she commits to do in response to coming into contact with scuzz-ball.

C1) He calls her on the phone. R1) She hangs up without speaking and immediately contacts you.

C2) She sees an e-mail from his ID. R2) She does not open it, but alerts you to it for your disposal, etc.

C3) They meet at a grocery store. R3) She walks out immediately, without checking out, and contacts you.

C4) She sees him laying in the street, a victim of a hit-and-run accident. R4) She resists the urge to run over him, calls 911 while driving away, then calls you.

Whatever you and she decide about each scenario, she must know that failure to act as prescribed is failure to adequately protect her husband, and leaves her open to unpleasant consequences.

Over and over, those sad stories here of drawn-out withdrawal, FR, re-starts, etc, etc, ad nauseum, are products of NOT totally defining the "stimulus/response" pairs that the BS thinks are implicit, and the WS fails to honor. Don't make that mistake, dude.

Wife and I have diacussed the relocation thing. I do beleive she is truly supportive if that's what I felt is best..I just sont know...sure Id rather uproot my family if it meant saving my marriage...but can I be successful here? W has assured me that reconnect should not be a concern...W says she is done and means it. W has put any Ep in place I have asked even gps app on phone. W is also says she understands my view about an unplanned "run in"..W says she'd ignore Om because she understands the danger as expalined by Dr. H...She also says since the poly she has commited to Rad honesty and would tell me of any such run in. VERY tough decision. I have applied to two jobs out of state but have heard nothing..I know i cant do anything wo that first....first

W has assured me that reconnect should not be a concern...W says she is done and means it...W is also says she understands my view about an unplanned "run in"..W says she'd ignore Om

Seriously, do you even consider these warnings? EVERY WW who performs a rapprochement with POSOM said everything your version just spouted. If she can get you to "believe" her without specifics, dude, then you will fully deserve the resumption of their contact when it occurs.

W has put any Ep in place I have asked even gps app on phone.

Okay, then she'll welcome the opportunity to develop those tactics with you that I discussed, right?

What scares me so much is that you actually believe this. What scares me is that you and your wife don't understand that EVERY CHANCE ENCOUNTER PUTS HER BACK TO DAY 1 OF RECOVERY. Every chance encounter will trigger her feelings for the OM. So even if she doesn't speak to him - which is very unlikely - her feelings will be triggered!

Your wife does not understand or comprehend the danger. And that is to be expected since she is foggy and probably still wants to see the OM. But what is your excuse?

Your wife HAS NOT put EPs in place if she has not eliminated chance encounters and doesn't comprehend the danger of contact with the OM.


If she understands the danger, she would make sure she was never in a position to HAVE TO "ignore" the OM!!

I am in shock that you would say this much less believe this. KGaa, you are as foggy as the most foggy wayward spouse. Of course your wife will tell you "she is done." Do you think if she wanted to resume her affair, she would be honest with you about it?

And the GPS on her phone should not serve to reassure you. ARe you kidding me? Even the dumbest wayward can get around that by leaving her phone at home or in her car and have the OM pick her up.

A favored wayward tactic is to give you the means to check up on her so you won't pursue UNKNOWN spy tactics that would actually catch her.

Any spy resource she knows about is USELESS. As long as she knows about it, she can find ways around it.

I get what i guys r saying and W already expressed she would contact me right away if anything from OM. W even wrote same in NC letter. I am talking about if she is at the local convienant atore and he walks in. Or if at the mall shopping and OM WALKS by...W cant live in a bubble and I cant always be thre..that is just notrealistic. I dont feel she has any problem with any requirments on how to respond. I just sont like the thought of it, being im a smaller city and them crossing paths. I dont want to get all over W for following the plan she has...shes done many things to show transparency and anything i ask..she is not balking at what i ask her to do as a rwsult of A....

Completely useless resource.

Ok guys....what should i do?????? Some eps r in place...any thoughts???? Sounds like i have to investigate her the rest of my life...I know i should not trust her and i told her i beleive only what i see...but, am i giving her a chance or not....im not foggy...i know she must prove herself, and maybe she does feel that she wants to be done with OM in her mind...i know better than beleive this until proven, but what next??? Give me a plan of action here....shes done all ive asked, unless we relocate tomorrow, what r my options to make it through this?

KG, these words could have come from my FWH. He was involved in an affair with a co-worker. As time went by, the affair was becoming more trouble than it was worth and he knew it had to stop.

Every morning he would steel his resolve and tell himself "Today I will not have anything to do with OW. I will not go to her area of the office building." Well, within two hours of being even knowing she was in the same building, his resolve would crumble, and off he'd go, looking for her.

Your WW may be ready to swear on her mother's grave that she is done with him. And - get this - when she says that, she is probably as sincere as a fogged-out wayward can get. Until that first chance sighting - until the first time the two of you hit a bump in recovery and she starts dredging up fond memories of her fantasy days.

My point to you is that the word of an addict is worthless. They are not their own best advocate. YOU will have to put rock-solid EPs in place. This means you need to eliminate any potential avenue of resumed contact with OM. If there is a chance at all that she will see him, she will be triggered. You have to remove that chance.

Well she does not work with him and prior to A they had not crossed paths for 20 years in this city...I understand about the EPs and she really hasnt really embarked on convincing me by her words that there is nver going to contact..she says that i will see and that she would tell me if any sighting or contact...she had a prwvious bf becore we married..they were serious and she ran into him and nothing was reignited. She says she understands the boundries she didnt have and i have to give her the chance to prove herself..the only other option is tlldivorce... at some point it is a chance your taking.......

You're missing a critical distinction I was trying to make, KG. My point was that you cannot trust the words of a wayward. THEY can't even trust their own words! YOU have to advocate for her and your marriage.

I don't care that they hadn't crossed paths for 20 years. The point is that they crossed paths - with disastrous consequences.