Ok well I cant wire my wife for sound...answer this...my wife works at a job where several landline phones r at her disposal...how the hell do I keep tabs on that??? During the A she used a phone in a store as well as a friends cell phone to avoid my detection on her cell account??? This was as I was discovering Aand she knew I was on her trail...I used other measures but those always will remain impossible to track...heck for that matter if we move she could make phone contact in the same manner....you just cannot cover all basis.

You do not understand triggers.
The more she is triggered, the more likely the affair will resume.
The less she is triggered, the odds are more in your favor.

Triggers MUST be eliminated.

And, with OM living only 15 minutes away, she WILL BE TRIGGERED OFTEN.

I would focus ALL my energy on elminating those avenues, rather than spending all your energy on coming up with reasons why you CAN'T. If you spent the same energy on affair proofing your marriage that you spent today on defending the status quo, you would have the most affair proofed marriage on the forum!!

Can you focus your energy on finding ways to affair proof your marriage instead of creating excuses why you CAN'T?

I do understand triggers I am experiencing them daily here. Just as I am told it is what and how you react to them...the more and more I read I see relocation as the only option of hope...

Yes to melodylane...your suggestion besides what I have inplace

How about you do this, KG: leave the area. Get your snooping tools in place. Stay with us. Go from there. Okay?

As of last night I phoned W brother and told him of A...he was set back by the news but was rather supportive of wanting to see our marriage thrive feom this point. He said he would be making contact with W to speak with her about it. I had tried to contact him earlier in the day when W was working. He called back in my wives presence and I told him I would call him back. We contacted each other later. W found out I spoke with him and I told her I did as well. W became distant and upset...not because I told her brother of A, but because I was honest with her. W said that I knew I was talking to jer brother and I new my intention was to speak with about A and I failed to tell her even now that we are supposed to be 100% honest in all we do...W was very distant and upset with me last night and still is. I told her that her several times that herbeother should have been told early on. I also reminded her that the last several days she told me "go ahead and tell him". I'm confused. I am jusst trying to follow this plan the best I can and it just seems that I keep pissing off my W with no resolve. I thought the discussion with her brother went well and W will continue a decent relationshop with him...W is upset because I lied and could have been more honest about my intentions for the day.????

W became distant and upset...not because I told her brother of A, but because I was honest with her. W said that I knew I was talking to jer brother and I new my intention was to speak with about A and I failed to tell her even now that we are supposed to be 100% honest in all we do...W was very distant and upset with me last night and still is. I told her that her several times that her brother should have been told early on. I also reminded her that the last several days she told me "go ahead and tell him". I'm confused. I am jusst trying to follow this plan the best I can and it just seems that I keep pissing off my W with no resolve. I thought the discussion with her brother went well and W will continue a decent relationshop with him...W is upset because I lied and could have been more honest about my intentions for the day.????

Really? Only a GENIUS in the field of unproductive human behaviors could have predicted her snarky and spiteful reaction!

...the "Oh-woe-is-me" passive-aggressive crap...she plays the injured party, making you feel like it's your fault...If she persists in trying to play out her melodrama, you must disengage (because otherwise she gets EXACTLY what she wants.)

Dude, do you even READ what is posted for your supposed benefit?

Hey, the sun will rise in the East tomorrow...try not to be shocked!

And on another front:

I failed to tell her even now that we are supposed to be 100% honest in all we do.

Dude, the BS drives the exposure train...There ain't no POJA required or recommended.

She really has you wrapped up, doesn't she?

KGaa12,

Waywards excel at manipulating the conversation to make the BS feel guilty for some minor infraction. It is a gaslighting technique and diverts attention off the WS. Your wife scored in the conversation above. The attention was off her and onto you.

Since she evaded the question on her thread and won't post any more because she thinks the MB forum doesn't support her, can you tell us whether your W indicates she will move?

AM

W said she would move. We have discussed it several timesand the only queations that have come up r the typical ones about jobs, houses, area cor kids ect....she is ner ious about a move in general but i think when it comes down to it so am i....to answer the question, she has said several times she would.

W said she would move. We have discussed it several timesand the only queations that have come up r the typical ones about jobs, houses, area cor kids ect....she is ner ious about a move in general but i think when it comes down to it so am i....to answer the question, she has said several times she would.

Kgaa, that is great news. I would start brainstorming on a plan to make this happen.

KGaa12,

Perhaps a massive exposure of the OM would drive HIM from the area? All things considered it's better to get OM to retreat rather than yourself.

But I do understand the random nature of triggers, yesterday OM4's daughter saw my W yesterday and stopped for a chat, I guess OM4's D has no idea the ill will I hold towards her.

God Bless
Gamma

Even if OM moved, his parents would still be close.

AM

After all the back and forth posts, I'd like to say I DO appreciate the help here. Most of you know my entire situation and where we r at as of today. I know I will not be packed and moved in short order. Even if that is what we do, I know it will take atleast a few months. If I dont handle my marriage right from this point, it will be over before I would get out of town. W kissed me goodbye this morning we said we loved eachother and I was off to work. As stated before I know last night she was Po'd and even slept on the couch for a bit. W seems better now and will want to move on with recovery. What do I do? What do I not do? I am going to tell her more how I feel it is our best interest to move. I am also going to continue with the MB books with her and try to work toward that "romantic relationship" with her. I am keeping abreast of what she is doing and have various EP's in place to the best of my ability. IS THIS ALL I CAN BE DOING AS OF TODAY???? Thanks.

Kgaa, I agree it will take time to move. It might take 6 months to get everything in place. In the meantime, you are doing the right things. Work on the program like you are doing.

The one thing I would strongly suggest is getting some spy resources in place that she is not aware of. If she knows about it, that renders that resource completely useless. Go check out the Spy forum and see what you can find.

The next most important thing is to follow the policy of undivided attention and focus on getting in 15+ hours per week. That will get you the biggest bang for your buck the FASTEST.

Use the policy of joint agreement (POJA) to identify geographical locations and then start looking for jobs. Talk about and focus on how great the future will be.

In the meantime, monitor, monitor and monitor for any breaks in no contact.


AM

Here's an excellent show of the Harleys walking a couple through POJA on where to live.
Radio clip on POJA on Where to Live
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Be absolutely certain that the two of you are following Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention. Follow it to the letter and don't cut corners with this, because this is the heart of Dr. Harley's program.

Spend thirty hours a week together meeting the intimate emotional needs. (You can reduce this to fifteen when you both feel great about the relationship.) Those are these four needs: recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment. Do this without any awake children present. Don't do it after eleven P.M. Give each other your undivided attention during this time; don't give your attention to television or any electronic devices. Make this the BEST time of your week.

Read the link that BrainHurts posted about the critical importance of undivided attention: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2325269#Post2325269

Read the material on this site and in the books about meeting the four intimate emotional needs. Focus on those needs, no matter what the two of you list as your top needs. They are all important for both of you, whether you know it or not. Focus especially on good intimate conversation. Often UA time consists of scheduling a recreational activity that's really a pretext to be together and have good intimate conversation. Make this enjoyable for both of you.

Listen to the radio show daily; it'll be a constant reminder. It's like having a session with Dr. Harley every day. My wife and I enjoy listening to the radio show together, and discussing it.

I am striving for the conversation and rec companionship time..does anyone have any great ideas for rc? This past weekend we rented a two person kayak and went out for an hour...we have had lunch togeghef several times..other than the out to eat thing, can anyone offer their insight