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Ruikee Offline OP
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Hello,
I have been on here for sometime, been on the show a few times. I fought as hard as i could for my marriage. Took Dr. Harleys advice, unfortunately, my wife gave up and the D was final in April.
If you followed any of my threads, there were times she wanted to reconcile, then pulled back. Emotional roller coaster. That is how everyone puts it. Someone said it was like being told you had cancer, then you were cured, then you had it again. Very painful. She lives with her parents with a mother that is very controlling. When they are gone, she is a different person.
Anyhow, i spend alot of time with our son whom is 3. I have never missed a day, i see him every wednesday, sunday and every other weekend. 4 weeks during the summer.
These times have become very difficult. Of course taking him places that will entertain him, i see other families that are in tact. This brings up alot of emotions that i never had before. Feelings that i stuffed away when my parents split. Very sad and depressing emotions.
When i drop him off i get very depressed, missing the routine that we have each morning and each evening. Causes me to cry.
My wife has shared that she is still very sad. Living with her parents, two failed marriages, two children from two fathers.
I do still love her, there was no infidelity, no drugs, alcohol, nothing like that. Just not meeting each others emotional needs. I really wish i knew then what i know now.
At times i feel like walking away from being a father. The pain would subside so much quicker. Maybe thats why my father did it.
But i pain even more for how my son would feel.
This is by far the most painful experience in my life. we are both mid 40's. Maybe it would be easier if there was infidelity or something else....
I call my son each night via video phone, sometimes she answers, sometimes she doesnt. Of course it breaks my heart when i dont get to talk to him. We live only 5 minutes apart, were married for 10 years.......
I just want this pain to go away....


Me 44
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D final 4/12
S 3
SS 15
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Many fathers leave their kids after divorce and the kids suffer.
I encourage you to END all direct contact with your ex wife.
Go to the notable posts forum and read the parallel parenting thread; you can receive guidance on how to do this.

It is recommended to have no contact with your ex wife for 2 years following divorce so you can emotionally heal.

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Have you read this?
Parallel Parenting

Have you been to your doctor for some ADs?

Are you in Plan B?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi, Ruikee. I am glad you are back, but sorry to hear this news.

I am betting that as your son gets older, it will become easier to contact him, because she won't be serving as "gatekeeper" so much. Eventually it will be HIM answering the phone, and that's something to look forward to. At some point you can probably buy him a phone just for contacting you.

I would do everything possible to maximize time spent with him.

I would definitely look into antidepressants to help keep you on an even keel. You need your wits about you, and you need to think rationally.

I would only Plan B if contact with your wife is emotionally damaging to you. Otherwise, I'd try to make every contact with her perfectly positive, being the best you you can be, with no love busters on your part, because there is always a chance that she may change her mind. With some antidepressants to help even out your mood, this might be much easier.

Do read up on parallel parenting. You will not have any control over the decisions she makes for him, and vice versa.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Ruikee Offline OP
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Yes i am on ADs and have been for some time. I suggested that we have a go between to exchange our son, and her response was things are fine the way they are and she did not see any reason to change. I did my best to explain that it was not for me.
All my interactions are always positive, no lovebusters ever. Its been a very long time since there were any lovebusters.
My stepson whom i have raised since he was 5 and is now 15, was sent away to a military school because he started lashing out, telling her to address her issues, he wanted me as his father again and for us to be a family.
We did get to spend some time together this summer, but it seems as if she has squashed it again.
Thanks for the input its good to get support here....

Blessings...


Me 44
Wife 43
Married 10 Years
D final 4/12
S 3
SS 15
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Oh geez I fear all these things. Last night I cried thinking of being in a new place with my 10 yr old son going to bed without me being able to say goodnight to him. Immature people suck. People who can't forgive suck. People who only think of their own feelings suck. Thanks soon to be ex spouse. You're the best.


God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
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Ruikee Offline OP
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I have been so depressed lately. And it is more towards time with my son. He is starting to say i want daddy and mommy. He doesnt want to leave me when i drop him off at the sitters.
The past few days have been really bad for me. Alot of crying. This morning i was crying really hard. I really hate being away from him. And i am sure she feels the same way when he is with me.
This is the most difficult thing i have had to deal with in my life. I have done so much work on myself becoming a better person, i have uncovered so many layers of issues i had, which has led me to become such a sensitive, kind, compassionate, and empathetic person.

My sleep, appetitie have been so messed up for some time now. I am taking the different meds to help, but i really think, and some have told me, some of these emotions are just to much even for the meds.

I feel like checking myself in somewhere. I do not know where to go, or what that entails. Can you check yourself into places for depression or whatever i am going through.

My support system is horrible. I have a few friends but they are not compassionate. My church family has become distant, i am going to a new church so i havent become familiar with them yet.

My sons sitter and her husband have been great.

My parents are still abusive to me, even at my age of 44. So i had to distance myself from them as each time i tried to reconcile with them, they tore me down and it was unbearable.

I dont know what to do, how to move on.

Blessings and Love......



Me 44
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SS 15
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I would strongly encourage you to visit an AlAnon meeting.
They can teach you how to emotionally disconnect and get your sanity back

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You also need to plan b your ex wife

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Ruikee Offline OP
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I have been in plan B i think, unless you are suggesting i do not contact my son either. Unfortunately at his age, i have to contact her to talk to him right now.

I will look into alanon, thank you...

I suggested an IM not too long ago but she didnt think it was necessary.

What do i do in that case?


Last edited by Ruikee; 09/12/12 09:42 AM.

Me 44
Wife 43
Married 10 Years
D final 4/12
S 3
SS 15
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Sir you are not in plan B.
Plan B is NO CONTACT.
You can insist on an IM irregardless of what she says. Many do that and can elp you set that up.

Personally I have limited contact with my ex wife. I only communicate by email. I do not see or speak to her.

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Ruikee Offline OP
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Are you suggesting that i sever contact with my 3 year old son? I do not see how that would be in the best interest of him as i try to develope a lasting relationship with him.

Do you have children and how old are they? I am not disagreeing with you, i am just trying to approach the best way i can with the given situation....I do appreciate your advice.


Me 44
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S 3
SS 15
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I dont think anyone would suggest that you sever contact with your 3yo son...
we are just thinking of how to get you whole again..

depression succckkkkssss, i would know!

There are meds that help, they do take a while to work though.

I was recently talking to my 10yo daughter, she said " Dad, dont be one of those guys that falls apart after the divorce, OK"

I will say the same to you.

In the end things will be OK
If things are not ok, its not the end!

I was talking to a 73 year old divorced and since remarried man recently..... His comment is, I just want you to know its lonely, real lonely, not a good time.

you are not alone....

Dont know anything about voluntary inpatient stuff, but i would be very careful there........ I would think that could be used to make it look like you were less than stable


Me: BH 40
WW 39
S13, D9
Married 15 yrs together 19!!!
D Day July 11,2011
WW in P.A. with OW
WW wants D
Almost done
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I have 3 kids, 5,8,9.

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Dr Harley encourages divorced couples to go into plan B after divorce.
Plan B is no contact with your ex wife. It has nothing to do with your children.

I don't think you understand MB programs.

There are thousands of divorced persons in plan B that still have a great relationship with their kids.

This is called parallel parenting and you can read about it in Notable Posts forum

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Ruikee Offline OP
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I have read and reread parallel parenting, and i agree with it. But it doesnt mention talking to the children when the child is with the other parent. Unless i am not getting it. Especially at this age.
How can i find an IM? The few i asked didnt seem to like it as most of them want us back together and do not think it is a good idea. They know that i am not healing or becoming whole.

This week, i have our son all week because her parents are out of town and her schedule doesnt permit her to take him to the sitter.
He has been sick about 3 weeks. When i have him, i gave him meds, and let her know via text that i was.
The sitter told me she asked her what she thought was wrong with him, instead of taking him to the Dr. So i chose to.
He has a upper respitory infection. I sent her a text to let her know, It took her 3 hours to respond.
She told me how sad she was etc.
last night she texted asking how he was but i didnt respond.

How did i handle this? Right or wrong?

Bottom line, i do still love her. I do want to be whole, i want to heal. I do have hope once her controlling mother is out of the picture.

Do i write the letter suggested for plan b?

Blessings.....


Me 44
Wife 43
Married 10 Years
D final 4/12
S 3
SS 15
Joined: Jan 2010
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Ruikee, I heard Dr. Harley on an old show tell a man that if contacting his children while they were with his WW led to contact with the WW, he should just wait and talk with his children when they were with him, or let the children call him. It won't be long until your children can call you.

Is your wife currently involved with someone else at this point? Have divorce proceedings been initiated?

IMO, you've struggled long and worn yourself out.

Quote
I do have hope once her controlling mother is out of the picture.

What does this mean? Once your wife's controlling mother is out of the picture?

Quote
She told me how sad she was etc.

This was your wife telling you this? If so, this was an invitation to make some love bank deposits and win her back. Is that what you are wanting to do? If so, then talk about her feelings.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Suggestion: since your antidepressants do not appear to be working, I would see someone about getting them adjusted.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What is the visitation schedule with your son like? Do you see him for part of every week?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He is divorced.


Last edited by HDW; 09/18/12 10:42 AM.
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